My wife is embarrassed of me. She’s had a bunch of excuses as to why. She grew up middle class I grew up poor. Mind you, I’ve done pretty well for us, we were a single income family for the bast 15 years and i clawed my way out of the low income bracket. she has a few friend groups that she likes to be all “sophisticated” around, which involves not having me around. The funny thing is, that most of these people, although snobby, really don’t seem to have an issue with me. Granted, they might talk shit behind my back, but, they’re snobby, they’re going to do that anyway. Today, we went to pick our daughter up at the richy soccer club I pay for, and the wife was trying to get me to stay in the truck so she could go in alone… because she’s embarrassed of me. For some reason, this is just the last straw for me, I’ve never been embarrassed of her, I’m tired of it. She’s always giving me the side eye or shushing me, granted, I’m a blunt person, I have a dark sense of humor. But she’s always the most embarrassed person in the room and I’m done with it. These people usually like me. I’ve accomplished a lot and I’m tired of being shit on by the one person that should appreciate me.
Edit: Jesus Christ I’m not going around spouting off blunt truths and making dark jokes to everyone. I assumed that this would be assumed but catching a lot of heat from a lot of you on this. I’m very well behaved around her snobby friends she just is embarrassed of me and it’s annoying
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So, your wife is telling you to stay in the car but you don’t want to stay in the car. Is it not better to become a little bit NO man instead of constant agreeableness? Try to use the word NO for a few months before going for divorce.
Time to level up. Work on yourself unapologetically. Take care of your responsibilities quietly and stop letting what your wife thinks bother you. Just focus on being a better you. She’ll notice the change, but by that point, it will be you in the driver’s seat, setting the tone for the future of your relationship.
Learn to code switch my dude. Not all places call for dark humour and being blunt. You wouldn’t go into a church with the same deposition as in a bar. Most people avoid confrontation to say something direct but say behind your back. That goes for all groups not such snobby upper middle class.
You wanting to break up your family because you can’t regulate behaviour is not great. Find the compromise mate, you’ll have a happier marriage that way.
What do you mean by you’re blunt and have a dark sense of humour? What kind of things do you say that she shushes?
Once a woman doesn’t respect you, it’s over…
I mean there’s way too many details left out here, like what exactly you’re doing/saying that she’s embarrassed of. You can’t learn to code switch?
Have you tried telling her this isn’t working for you and asking her to stop? What did she say?
I am not an expert, but I understand what you are going through. It can feel humiliating and hurtful to be treated like that. I would let her know how you feel about it and that her way of thinking is hurtful to you and very wrong. Who cares about what other people think? Who cares if they are rich or poor? This is the only life we have and we all end up dead in graves regardless of how much money we made or how nice our clothes were.
You are her husband not a driver.
I wonder if more than embarrassed, since you claim that most people like you, she is afraid of you getting more attention? What a big punch to her ego that may be.
Snobbism is such a waste of time and energy. Being a snob is like using premium fuel in a lawnmower—it might make a bit more noise, but at the end of the day, you’re still just cutting grass!
Give an example of dark humour
>I’m a blunt person, I have a dark sense of humor
I was essentially behind you until you dropped this, and my first thought was that there was a reason your wife is embarrassed by you, and it has nothing to do with shielding her rich friends from her lower-class husband.
Maybe this is about your political leanings?
Or the type of work you do?
If they’re all white collar or, even more status, SAH with a white collar partner, it could be that too.
My sister’s husband is the only non- college educated and /or non-professional in our family and they’re uncomfortable about it.
I recommend talking to a trained therapist before choosing to do anything people on a message board suggest.
Except this suggestion. 😉
Have you asked your wife directly what it is about you that she finds embarrassing?
Honestly, not asking this question to be a dick, but why are you so sure she’s embarrassed of you because of your poor past and not because you’re an asshole?
The comment you made about having a dark sense of humor and being blunt, is typically an excuse of people who just want acceptance for behind a douche but it’s ok because “I’m just behind honest” or “I’m just joking”
My humor is very dark and I’m very sarcastic, there a time and a place for it.
someone showed me their example of dark humour, i think they took pride in that. but it wasnt funny, and its not like i dont get dark humour, but its just not funny. dark humour is the new sarcasm of yesterday. its just a self defense mechanism, from social critics who want to judge what we say. Honestly, just say what you want to say and be unapologetic about it.
Here is my tip:
Go out on your own, and make your own friends, play golf, or whatever rich people do these days, make friends with really down to earth rich people with your own personality.
invite your wife out to meet them and see how much fun you guys are having. tell your wife about businesses they have run and been successful at. show her that you dont have to be snobby to be rich.
All the best jack
I’d love to hear her side of the story.
i’d call her out and ask her. Then meter your response accordingly. She could be thinking she’s sheltering you from petty crap. I don’t know… but if you two get along. that’s all that matters.
Do you even like your wife? You’re coming across as extremely judgmental and contemptuous of her upbringing, her friends, and the lifestyle you take full credit for “giving” her (despite the fact your professional success was almost certainly made possible by her willingness to stay home and care for your children and household while you worked those long hours, rather than you having to rush home to drive your children places, skip work because they were sick, etc.).
I would like some examples of this dark humor and bluntness. I’d also be interested to hear her side of the story. Generally when someone says they’re blunt and that not everyone gets their humor, what they’re really saying is they refuse to behave like a normal person and have no idea how to conduct themselves appropriately in various social settings, and also that they refuse to learn.
“Blunt with a dark sense of humor” is what everyone else describes as “socially inept asshole”. That’s why she’s embarrassed, not because of your upbringing. Learn to talk less, listen more, and get better at “reading rooms” in terms of what’s appropriate conversation for the situation you’re in. I guarantee the people you’re around are good at being polite but think much differently behind your back.
How has your wife responded to communication about this issue previously? Any good faith efforts made on her part? I’m sorry you are in this situation.
The first question that needs to be answered: Has she literally said that she’s embarrassed of you? Or is this your interpretation of her behaviour towards you?
I work in biomedical research and have a very well off social group- sophisticated and snobby you might say. If my partner wouldn’t behave in a way that made contextual sense and insisted on being blunt and sharing his “dark humor” I’d be embarrassed of him too. My husband and I are both autistic but have figured out how to blend socially into these groups. It isn’t that hard if you try.
Have you asked your wife about this pattern you’ve observed? Is it possible you’re projecting?
I had a boyfriend once who I *was* embarrassed of, but not for any of the reasons he thought. It was because he was insecure about my other relationships and would be weird and silent and seem moody and disinterested around my friends. So I stopped inviting him to go with me places. He would ruin the vibe and make me uncomfortable, and it was embarrassing that I had the boyfriend who couldn’t have a good time (but always wanted to be included). He had a list of a million things he thought I was embarrassed, but it was just the insecurity (go figure).
Anyway. This is your wife. Talk to her. Find out why she’s embarrassed or why YOU THINK she’s embarrassed of you. Then go from there. There might be something in your behavior you aren’t aware of, or you might be projecting. But you won’t know for sure until you ask.
So what did your wife say when you tried talking to her about how she is making you feel and if there is a reason to why she’s doing this?
There’s way more to this story
My mom was like this to my dad for YEARS. He finally got fed up 30 years later and shes still clueless as to why he left. (And hes happy AF now). I’m sorry your wife is such a POS but I hope for your sake that you leave and have a wonderfully, happy life without her ever judging you again.
In the comments you’ve clarified that you are always quiet until you get a read on the room, so I’m going to say this is a wife problem and not a you problem. It likely doesn’t matter how much you mold to fit the crowd, she will always just be embarrassed by you. My ex husband was this way. He literally got embarrassed once that we paid cash for our meal at a restaurant and weren’t waiting for the server to come back. We left enough for the meal and a tip but he didn’t trust me that just leaving the money on the table is an acceptable thing to do and made us wait around for the server to come back making me late for work. This is just one example of a bunch where he didn’t understand what was socially acceptable and assumed I was doing one more thing to “embarrass” us when in reality he was the one being awkward and embarrassing. I am now happily remarried to someone who loves and trusts me and doesn’t feel embarrassed by my existence. Sorry your wife thinks she’s better than you.
I find it hard to give objective advice because I have the sweetest friend who has trouble with her husband saying the stupidest, rudest, inappropriate things in front of others. He falls back on it being dark humor. It’s not funny and pretty offensive stuff he says to get a rise from people. She is always embarrassed and always apologizing and she has a lot of friends but people sometimes exclude them from couple activities.
No one ever calls him out on what he says and usually just says, oh stop, or you’re so bad etc so he walks away thinking nothing of it. When he walks away everyone is talking about how awful he is.
My take is that he is a really good husband at home but defaults to this behavior because of insecurity. Her husband is wealthy and fairly attractive so she is really only embarrassed by his shitty personality.
Without knowing you or your wife I may have a bias opinion because of it.
You’re a parent. Other parents are going to be very leery of a dad engaging in dark humor. Do you joke about death, divorce, murder, suicide, etc.? Many parents wouldn’t want their kid around you, nor would they want to be around you themselves.
Try being more upbeat and lighthearted. People don’t want to hang out with someone with an evil vibe.
Does your wife use all these words to describe her “sophisticated” friends, snobby shit talking women, the “richy” soccer club, etc or is it just you who is openly contemptuous and nasty toward anyone who isn’t blue collar?
When someone refers to themselves as “blunt” it typically means they’re rude. There’s a time and a place for everything, and being “blunt” in professional, school, or mixed-company settings is not appropriate.
Hi there, you probably won’t see this but if I may offer some thoughts. I grew up upper-class but floated between income groups as a more alternative person who wasn’t quite ‘popular’. This led to having developed a perspective seeing both sides of crossing between different types of groups. I’ve dated men from humbler backgrounds and palled with those from wealthy backgrounds. TL;DR – everyone sucks in this situation and it’s worth working on yourself AND talking to your wife about how she treats you.
1. I found the only people usually talking shit are those from lower income backgrounds, assuming those from upper income backgrounds are elitist. It often comes from a deep place of insecurity with themselves. I myself fell victim to this mindset at certain times in my life, where I used style of clothing and background to stereotype those who were well-off and attributed them to being snobby.
Once I got to know them, you learn many things such as one girl dealing with a suicidal sister with serious bulimia. One guy whose father died when he was 16 and lost their wealth, it was just him and his mom surviving for one another. Another person who seemed extremely wealthy (vacations, clothes, etc) but who came from a household of two teachers and wanted to do whatever they could to not see the same struggle they grew up with.
You state “they might talk shit behind my back, but they’re snobby, they’re going to do that anyway.”
This is a great example where assumptions are kicking you in the butt. In this case, is it possible you are the snobby one stereotyping people you don’t actually know?
2. “she’s embarrassed of me”. I don’t know and can’t tell you if this is your projection or reality. Often it’s a combo of both. If you want to have a mature marriage, you need to sit down calmly and say you feel hurt. That you feel like she’s embarrassed of you and you’d like to know why. Do not be confrontational. You’re trying to really understand her perspective and put your own ego aside. It’s really hard to do this and our first response to any feedback is to usually defend ourselves against it or say the other person is wrong.
I advise you to really listen, no responding, no saying she is wrong. Just say you’re hurt and try to create a space where she can offer you her truth. Then, take that feedback and sit with it.
3. I can’t say this is accurate at all but I get the feeling you are very proud of your work which you should be – but is it possible that your proudness might get in the way of how you present yourself to the world?
In more elevated circles presentation is important. You might see this as vain and vapid, in other circles taking care of yourself is showing self-love and care. I see you noted you are an ex-boxer with a broken nose, long hair, and chipped teeth. I find myself in past relationships that I was annoyed I would spend all this time and upkeep on my presentation, and my boyfriend was expected to do the least. Like literally not take a look at himself and realize his lack of self-care reflected so poorly on me and him. Not caring what you look like, is not the flex people think it is. This may not be you, but is it possible you and your wife’s expectations of personal self-care are mismatched?
Hope this helps, cheers
My husband grew up similarly and the chip on his shoulder is one of the lesser appealing things about him.
I think it’s funny how society things rich people have the monopoly on entitlement. No one is searching for applause harder than lower middle-class people waking every day just doing what they’re supposed to do.
You have seem to have an edge to yourself/chip on your shoulder even if your wife overdoes it which she may or may not. Personally I prefer it when people can express themselves even on Reddit without coming across as crude (saying s***) or taking the Lord’s name in vain. I would say though that in general women are more attuned to social niceties and etiquette and are more likely to give their husbands the look and side eye when they perceive they misstep than vice versa.
If it makes you feel better even well educated men who are doctors tend to get side eye and the look from their wives more than the other way around.
Edit. Also you’re not expressing yourself clearly about what exactly bothers your wife. What kind of things are you saying or doing specifically that she objects to?
First you imply it’s bluntness and dark humor and then you say you’re careful about those although tbh I don’t think there’s ever a good place for those two.
Diplomacy and clean upbeat family friendly humor works best.
Are you overly loud? Do you interrupt? Do you derail conversations? Do you go in sweaty after work without freshening up? Could you be better groomed?
If you legitimately want opinions/advice give commenters more clear examples.
There is way too much missing here.