My mom has always been critical of my appearance but it’s been exacerbated lately (or felt that way) because I’m on a trip alone with her for the past week.
The thing she criticizes the most is my skin. I was a very fair skinned child (think Zendaya) and for whatever reason, I’m now more medium skinned, think Ciara. It doesn’t bother me at all, in fact I love my skin and my skin tone. But my mom regularly makes comments about how “dark” I am and how I need to “get back to my natural skin tone.” When I say regularly, I mean legitimately every single day. She will wake up, nitpick her skin, then turn to me and start nitpicking mine. The crazy part is she uses skin lightening creams and will accuse me of using them and tell me “Please don’t use those creams” Like??
She’s also critical of any skin blemishes I ever get. I actually am fortunate to have very clear skin, but god forbid I have one pimple, she will make a comment about it and ask what’s going on, then say it’s because I do x, y, and z (eating certain things, using certain skincare products, etc.).
My biggest insecurity growing up was having a large forehead. I’ve since largely gotten past that but my mom has suggested I get a forehead reduction surgery. She also makes comments regularly about my hairline and how I need to massage it and use oils to “bring it forward” or to get bangs. It’s so hurtful that I just ignore it because if I didn’t I know it would send me spiraling. It took years and a lot of internal work to stop hiding my forehead and just be happy with it, but with comments like that it makes me feel like if my own mother thinks it’s ugly, why wouldn’t others?
She makes comments about my body a lot. I used to weigh around 150 pounds and now I weigh around 120 and when I was 150 she would say I needed to lose weight, and now she says I need to gain weight. She said I’m too skinny and its “aged” me and to look at pictures of me 2 years ago and how young I look but I now “look like I’m 24” when….I am 24.
I have large boobs, 32DDD and she constantly makes comments about how I need better bras because my boobs will get saggy if I don’t have proper support. I’ve always been insecure about not wearing a bra around her, but I slipped up the other day and didn’t wear one when I was near her and she said to me “If I say something will you not get mad?” and of course made a comment about my boobs not being lifted enough.
My clothes are the same. She’s conservative and religious, and I’m not so I don’t feel comfortable wearing the clothes I like around her. Even the conservative clothes I wear she takes issue with and says I have no “taste”. If I wear anything out of the box she will laugh at me and say that she needs to take me shopping.
My hair too. I have naturally curly hair, and I like wearing it that way but then she will tell me it doesn’t look good and I should blow dry it lightly. I don’t like blow drying it lightly because it looks poofy and very old lady-ish, so if I’m not wearing it curly I’ll just straighten it. Then she says i’m damaging my hair and I look better with it curly.
If I wear makeup, she tells me it doesn’t look good and that I look prettier without makeup. If i’m not wearing makeup she says “Are you sure you don’t wanna put any light makeup on?”
I have stretch marks on my calves that I never really noticed or cared for until one time I was wearing a dress she didn’t like and she said “Why are you showing off your legs, you don’t even have anything nice to show off. Look at all those stretch marks.” Now I never show my legs and of course when I don’t want to wear dresses she suggests because they show my legs she says “Why because of your legs? Just go to the gym you can get rid of them”
I also don’t like to wear anything showing my arms around her because when I was 150, they were too flabby, and now that I’m 120, they’re so skinny and untoned.
If I ever tell her I don’t like when she criticizes me like this she’ll say “Oh I can’t even tell you anything you’re so sensitive.” It’s to the point I don’t even like being around her because I’m so self conscious around her. It’s crazy how my own mother is the person I feel the ugliest around. Like I truly feel like a hideous sea monster when I’m with her.
I would like to know if any of you have any of you have dealt with this and have any tips or ideas of how to deal with this and not let it destroy my self image, especially since I’m alone with her until the end of this month. I would also like to know if this is normal and if I’m being unreasonable by getting so upset with this.
tldr; Mom criticizes me appearance constantly, from my skin to my hair to my clothes to my body and it makes me feel incredibly ugly even though when I know i’m not, and when ‘m not around her I feel pretty and confident. I’m with her alone until the end of the month and don’t know how to cope with comments about my appearance constantly.
8 comments
No you’re not being unreasonable at all. She’s overly critical and doesn’t even realize she can cause serious mental issues emotionally with all of that criticism. Women have to ensure so much societal criticism as it is so you absolutely aren’t wrong to be annoyed with that. You can set up healthy boundaries by sitting her down and having a talk with her about it face to face. She’s gaslighting you also by saying “you’re too sensitive” which basically is when someone is doing something wrong and it bothers you and they tell you you’re xyz to justify their own behavior instead of owning it and recognizing it may be hurtful. Tell her you don’t appreciate her constant criticism of your physique and appearance and you want her to stop and if she can’t stop then you will avoid her until she does. Actions have consequences.
“Mom, it hurts my feelings when you criticize my appearance. Please stop.”
“I’ve asked you to stop.”
Then end the conversation or leave the room or whatever you need to do to make it stop.
Either you will eventually go no contact with her, or she’ll stop.
I understand this is tricky because you’re traveling together, but you’re 24: can you go out on your own or cut the trip short if necessary?
Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like crap, even if those people are related to you.
Your moms a stone cold hater. She needs to be dealt with!
Do it to her. Point out every single flaw she has, repeatedly. Especially her fucked up feet.
You need to straight up let her know you’ve had it up to here with her comments. If she doesn’t want to accept you the way you are kindly suggest to her that the phrase “If you have nothing nice to say you better shut up” should be her new Mantra. Don’t swallow down your thoughts, it will only make you burst at some point. If she does not want to accept how painful these remarls are coming from her you should def be more direct. She obviously doesn’t realize the impact this has on a child. I would always want family n friends to be honest, but this isn’t honest, it’s rude and hurtful. Chin up, you’re great the way you are.
“Every time you mention my appearance or criticize me, I’m going to walk away and not talk to you. Would you like it if I did this to you all day long?”
Then do it. Walk away, leave the room, put on your headphones, whatever. And don’t ever travel with her again once this trip is over!
I’m going to butcher this but it sounds like your mom struggles with some internalized racism. It makes sense given her age & the western idealism of fair skin and beauty standards… this doesn’t make it ok, but understanding where she may be coming from and facing grace for that might help you through this.. she is your mother & I assume you’d like a healthy loving lasting relationship with her so maybe educating her on her prejudices could help you two move forward. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this….
I’m assuming you’re black? If so, I know how hard it can be to set boundaries with parents/elders but you have to. Tell her to stop talking about you flat out. She say that you’re sensitive again tell her that she’s being an asshole (probably in a better way i guess). Ask her how is pointing out every single thing wrong with you making literally anybody’s day better? And how is telling her to stop being a hater being sensitive? Tell her you don’t like being around her because of her comments.
She sound like she dealing with her own colorism and texturism. She sound like a hater, tbh. I have friends whose parents are similar and they’re going full on no contact. Gradually, ofc bc we are a few years younger than you. You can’t tell parents like that anything. You have to show them, and hopefully she’ll realize how harmful her behavior is when she’s missing you.
Good luck with that one.