My (46F) partner (49M) of 6 years referred to me as “matronly” last night. We’d had several drinks, but he knew he messed up. Didn’t apologize, just said “Oh, now you’re going to be mad at me.” He said I should wear more skirts and flower prints and shit.
I am 6’2″, and am a little heavier than I’d like to be. I have been going to the gym 6 days a week and have lost 22 lbs in the past month and a half that I gained when the pandemic started. Still have another 30 to go. But being tall, I have rarely found clothing that fit me well and was feminine. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t suit me. He’s told me this as well when I’ve bought things and tried them on.
His comment really hurt my feelings. I feel like he’s not attracted to me. We’ve talked about this before and he reassures me that he is, but when comments like this slip out, I find myself not believing him. I know he looks at porn everyday. All young, skinny, tiny girls, nothing even remotely like me.
I don’t like feeling this way and I don’t know how to communicate this to him without him getting defensive and trying to brush it off.
EDIT: I’ve been distant today. He just asked me if I was pissed at him. I said no, but my feelings are hurt. When I told him why, he started yelling that he never said that, I did. I said no, and replayed the whole conversation. Then he said sorry, but didn’t mean it, and continued telling me that I used to wear skirts and dresses all the time. Once in a while at best. In summer only. Then told me my body issues are my problem, not his. This is bullshit.
31 comments
It seems to me that the bigger issue is that he looks at porn every day. I am a little older (though certainly not “old fashioned”) and I just cannot imagine being with someone who was into porn or strip clubs, it would make me feel icky and like I wasn’t enough for him.
I know it can be hard to find feminine clothes for taller/bigger women (I am very tall also), but it is not impossible. The question is…do you even WANT to wear that stuff? I don’t mind dressing up to go out to dinner, but am generally a jeans-and-baggy sweatshirt kinda gal…
He knew what he was saying. The alcohol simply gave him the “courage” to say out loud. He doesn’t know he messed up, he’s upset that there’s consequences. I notice you said “comments like this”, so it’s not a one off. I’d step back and take an honest look at your relationship. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
It sounds to me like he already knows he’s saying hurtful things and doesn’t care. Maybe he thinks it will motivate you, in some bizarrely twisted way.
If I were you, I would be looking hard at this relationship to see if I wanted to stay in it. There’s no way I’d be with someone who looks at porn every day. Ugh.
He doesn’t sound mature enough to show compassion or non-defensiveness despite knowing he said something hurtful.
Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I’d break up with him, continue working out, and find a bf who is more respectful and not addicted to porn.
There’s lots of things that can be discussed in a healthy relationship if both partners are mature enough, but he lacks that maturity. And secondly, a partner not having respect is not something that can usually be handled by communication – it’s them showing you who they are, and it’s not a good look.
You lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks?
Once again, I read “how can I get him to understand” and the answer is “he already knows but doesn’t care.”
I’m very sorry.
41f here. I’m not quite as tall as you (only 5’10”) but I can relate to some of your feelings. I’m super self conscious of not appearing too big, too old, too matronly… being a woman sometimes feels like you are never enough, no matter how hard you try. It’s something that I think about regularly.
On top of that, men aren’t expected to look sexy at all, but want us to fit their ideals 🙃
I don’t have advice, but personally I think his comments would ruin the relationship for me.
Have you noticed how much smaller his penis has become as he’s aged? Like oof fella, that middle aged tire around your waist has shrunk your dick. I’ve gone beyond the hurt with normal aging and now I fight back. Does he still have his hair or is it thinning? If it’s thinning perhaps it’s an indication his brain isn’t being used enough??
I have a great idea for you to drop almost 200lbs! Dump him lol
You deserve a relationship with someone who respects you and treats you above all with kindness, someone who will apologize readily and willingly when they hurt you. You still have decades of life ahead of you, do you really want to spend them with someone who thinks it’s ok to be mean to you?
tell him when he said that it was a real turn off . bleh I am sorry , how ugly of him and comments like that kill my libido
“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts”…
So he said something cruel, that he already said before. You felt hurt and you told him how you felt and why, not for the first time either. And to top it off, he doubles down and turns it on you. He understands, he just doesn’t care. You’re not failing to properly communicate at this point.
Your edit takes it from « I should ditch him » to « I have to ditch him ». Don’t ever accept anyone yelling at you.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
I am sorry to hear about his penis.
The word “matronly” makes me think of floral print dresses… what a jerk.
Also, as a tall larger woman I shop at Torrid.
Yeah that sucks that he did that. What’s odd about it though is that the clothes he wants you to wear more of are ones that I’d consider the most matronly of all.
https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/496718058/button-front-collared-housecoat-for?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_au_en_au_b-clothing-womens_clothing-dresses&utm_custom1=_k_Cj0KCQiA6vaqBhCbARIsACF9M6ltAmKW4JxN4ENvnfsJHG_w3LDnpmnMiqgBjLBUvNX4I5gZu7S94DgaAm1UEALw_wcB_k_&utm_content=go_344339048_19782509288_78802981328_pla-106554537395_c__496718058enau_468032762&utm_custom2=344339048&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6vaqBhCbARIsACF9M6ltAmKW4JxN4ENvnfsJHG_w3LDnpmnMiqgBjLBUvNX4I5gZu7S94DgaAm1UEALw_wcB
What a jerk. I wouldn’t put up with that.
Reading the edit made me hate this guy.
🗑️ Put him in here
The way to make him understand is by showing him a slim model in a magazine and say, why can’t you be more like him.
“How do I get him to understand?”
YOu don’t. You keep doing the exercises you’ve been doing. When you’ve got your confidence, maybe see a stylist about some colours and styles that make the most of you.
And – this is the best bit – you find yourself a younger FWB who’s into mature Amazonian cougars and you have the ride of your life! Let your husband suffer in his jocks.
I reckon your awesome and there’s someone out there who’ll appreciate you for the terrific person you are.
Well fuck he used the old narcissist’s prayer on you there in that last update.
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
My unqualified advice would be to throw the whole man away and live your life unencumbered by such an arse.
Porn every day. This, how it can make his wife / girlfriend feel, is why it amazes me that most people seem to think that it’s completely unproblematic that a man looks at porn all the time. (I’m not going to address the others, like porn addiction, death-grip syndrome, and the ethical bit).
How can a normal woman who is let’s say over 45, is doing her best to be healthy but doesn’t look like a model – how can she be comfortable with herself and her body if her man is jerking off to perfect women half her age? Ok it’s possible to be that confident, but most women are not.
“It’s only a fantasy”, is an argument. Sure. Maybe he is able to separate these two things. But: How does it make *her* feel? With a body that’s starting to age, has maybe changed after having children… Those changes in our bodies and faces are a bit hard to accept and deal with anyway. If you know that your man sneaks off to get turned on by these women with perfect bodies, every day… How can we not start comparing ourselves to them, and finding flaws in ourselves. And how realistic is it that he doesn’t compare, at all?
It’s his body and his sexuality and he should be able to express it. But to what extent? He also has made a commitment to his wife, to help and support each other.
I know that some women are ok with their partner binge watching porn. Or I don’t know that, but I guess they exist. This is not about them. And I know that women watch porn too. Same applies there: It’s possibly a problem if it’s every day all the time, and she doesn’t have any interest in her partner anymore. I would guess that he doesn’t love it. If he does, then all’s good, of course.
Your body issues aren’t his problem? His inability to live out his dream of delivering “pizza” to barely legal sorority girls who can’t afford to tip isn’t your problem either, but he sure is acting like it is. Throw the whole man in the garbage.
If “that really hurt my feelings” didn’t work, then there’s nothing you can say. The problem isn’t what you’re saying: it’s that he doesn’t care.
he does not even know his matronly fashion. Big floral prints and long skirts sounds pretty “matronly” to me
So why are you with this man?
Babe life is way too short to be with someone that doesn’t worship you. This man ain’t it. You’re way too hot to put up with his negging, resentful bullshit- and if you don’t believe me ask a wlw gal I can guarantee we love your type of vibe. I’m imagining you have massive warrior goddess vibes with that kind of build and you just need a hit of self confidence to give you the ultimate oomph; there are so many different types of gorgeous out there and the misogynistic world of porn doesn’t account for that and shouldn’t be believed.
Your husband is an asshole. Point blank. You can do much better. There’s a man out there that would worship the ground you walk on, I promise you that.
ETA I somehow missed the “looks at porn every day”. Jesus Christ. This “man” is not only an asshole but has a porn addiction that he clearly isn’t trying to get help for either. Cut your losses and move on. I promise you will be *so*, so much happier when you do. Don’t settle for this treatment. You don’t need to settle being treated this way. Life is too damn short and there are far too many men that would be willing to literally worship you, to be settling for this bullshit.
6’2, 6 days in the gym cutting and shredding. How is he not cowering in fear ?