I understand we all have specific needs and desires and major life changes can disrupt how those needs are met. My personal thoughts are that this probably happens for varying reasons because personal needs aren’t universal. Perhaps in your experience it was decreased alone time, increased stress, less physical attraction. Let’s hear the good, the bad, and the ugly please.
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Her personality changed pretty much right away.
She became much more anxious than before and required a lot of physical, emotional and moral support. I did my best to carry my part of the load – both mental load and physical load – and we arrived to a point where she wanted to be physically intimate again, but I was too exhausted and burned out to have a libido and sex felt like a chore. There was mutual resentment during that time, some of which remains unresolved.
To add to that, our child was a very light sleeper and was co-sleeping in the same bed with us until the age of 2. I learned to wake up and go to bed very quietly and causing as little of a stir as possible.
Between the stress and workload of taking care of an infant, burnout and resentment, I stopped seeing my home and family as a safe haven or a place to rest and destress. That led to further stress on the relationship, which meant out eating habits became even more unhealthy than before. We both put on weight during that time, which made us both feel unattractive. There’s some remark about pooping with the bathroom door open, but that’s going to be familiar for anyone with a toddler.
Then the pandemic and lockdowns hit and we were confined to an apartment with an energetic two year old for months.
By now, both our personalities and looks have changed to the point where I don’t see a way out.
on behalf of my man: i gained weight. simple as that. He is into petite girls. after the birth of our son 5 years ago, i gained 40+ pounds.
now hear me out: in this 5 years he never even mentioned once that i am too fat for him. i tried to lose weight ocassionally for my own sake but never stick to it as i had and still have a very stressful everyday life.
recently he told me that he would rate me as a 5 out of 10. and one reason for that is of course my weight.
can’t lie it hurts. but it hurts enough to actually change something.
ironically our sex life developed for the better. maybe he wants to bang my weight of as i think of it now.
Lack of intimacy. The workload two kids bring, kind of burried the relationship i had/have with my gf. Kids are of age 3 and 1,5years.
The moments we have free time, is usually spent to try and relax / do stuff that mentally and physically recharge me/her for the next day.
I also have somewhat physical job and im introvert so im already mentally and somedays physically at my limits and just want some lone time.
GF feels more like a roommate most of the time.
Just my thoughts on the subject
For me theres just been an underlying resentment towards her since our child was born. He wasnt a surprise baby, we both made a conscious choice to become parents but the older he gets, the more apparent it is that she didnt have a clue in hell as to what the difficult aspects of parenting could look like.
So on one hand i was mentally prepared to take on the burden of raising a child because I thought my wife was also in the same headspace. But now that weve been doing it for a year its clear she put about as much thought into the severe decrease in quality of life as a Lifetime movie meaning i really shouldn’t have had a child with her.
The real kicker? Despite being clearly overwhelmed with the first child, shes genuinely shocked when I say im done having anymore and ours will just be an only child.
It’d be one thing if she was at least happy about being a parent since she pushed so hard for it the entire relationship (i couldve gone either way honestly). But when shes clearly miserable with how limited her life is now the thought always creeps back into my head “well no shit this sucks, this is what being a parent looks like. You wanted it so badly but never considered THIS!?” So we are just miserable and limited for no reason now. I love my son but my life before him was way better.
If ever there was a comment section that made me feel better about myself….this would be it.
I have grown to resent her parenting many times and I have lost all attraction because she has lost all self respect.
itt: nuclear families were a mistake for baby support
My wife was already pregnant when we got married, so the honeymoon period was the only time we were “child free” there was not a lot of sex at all, and then after the birth our child was in NICU for a few months. We didn’t really do it again till after his first birthday, and when we did it seemed like a chore for her. This turned me off a quite a bit. Around year 3 she started getting actually excited for sex again and her enthusiasm made me get all horney for her again for the first time in a long time
I’m actually attracted to her more physically because I happen to prefer curvier women so the weight gain made me desire her a lot more…the problem is that she hates the weight gain & lovemaking is often unfulfilling with a woman who hates her body…so much so, that I don’t even try anymore…just beat off when I’m free & carry on everything else as normal as possible…still love my wife & love my kid to death, but I will miss how much fun our marriage & life used to be for sure.
I read threads like this and it makes me so happy that my wife and I are happily child-free.
Honestly it’s a wonder that anyone would want a kid anymore. It seems to just ruin everyone’s ability to be happy and enjoy life.
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The moment our babies were born she stopped being my partner and just became a mom. She made it her identity until they left for college. By that point we didn’t really know eachother anymore and we were too far gone so the relationship couldn’t be salvaged. I don’t judge her, she’s an amazing mom but I’m a damn good dad too, but we just couldn’t keep our ties to eachother at the forefront. And, yeah, while it really is sad that things panned out the way they did, we still co-parent well.
I was a SAHM for 20 yrs. I took pride in cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids, doing financial, and everything it takes to be the CEO of my home so my husband could go to his job and be the CEO there. It’s a mindset and it can be fulfilling if you know your worth and your husbands worth. Too much competition in marriage now and not enough coming together to make BOTH of your lives better.
Also all this talk about weight and “trying” for your spouse being a negative and hurting feelings is dumb. Your partner should be able to be your accountability partner and say “hey I think your health and body have changed.” I think it’s imperative we try to hold a standard of why we were first attracted to each other in the first place. You can’t expect the same intimacy and great sex you once had if you are not willing to accept you need to put more effort in your appearance and emotional response for your partner. We all change and have ebbs and flows of relationships, but damn you can’t just give up and expect someone to be ok w that just bc you are a mother. It takes effort to keep the passion on both side. That means physical attraction too! Be a good partner not a consumer. 22 yrs and 4 kids later we are having the best sex ever bc we kept “trying” and holding each other accountable. Life is hard but you can make excuses or live it!
She’s turned intro a gigantic flaming asshole.
I adore my children and I’m a professional “people manager” so I’ll hang through this, but holy shit is she mean. Just vicious. Thinks nobody notices. (Everybody notices).
She gave her body over to creating these three miracles and that counts for a lot, enough that I’m not going to leave her or anything.
But Jesus Christ woman, how do you function with that much seething anger?
(She’s in therapy, I’m in therapy, we’re in therapy together. Three separate therapists.)
Last year I became convinced it was me. (That almost killed me). Thank God I had a friend clue in and interrupt me, “Dude, your wife is a gigantic asshole to you, it’s not you.”
That one sentence literally saved my life lol
If that text had come 6 minutes later I would not be posting this comment. (Check in on your boys).
I don’t know any other way to articulate it but we stopped being husband and wife and became mom and dad. Baby needs mom and mom needs dad’s support, not much time left for husband and wife.
It took a few years to figure out what happened. A baby changes your lives so dramatically, we didn’t notice all the other 2nd and 3rd order changes right away. But once we did, we made time to be husband and wife again.
It wasn’t mine. Yeah it ended shortly after
I became more attracted to my wife while she was pregnant and after the birth of our kids. I saw that she was carrying my offspring, making the sacrifices of pregnancy, and generally putting her life on the line to provide us with children. My part in the process was short-lived, but she endured every second of carrying our babies.
I didn’t know I could love my wife or possibly be more attached to her than we I saw our children be born. For me, it took our relationship to a level I didn’t know existed.
After 4 kids, I want her now more than I did before. Sure her body changed, but that isn’t even a factor. The emotional bond is stronger and her body drives me wild!
Just posting to say to all the young men out there. Things are not nearly as doom and gloom as this thread makes things out to be. I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, married for 3, and have a 1 year old. Things are great between us. It was hard for a bit during pregnancy and after, but we both communicated clearly and often about our needs and desires. Because of that, resentment doesn’t really have a chance to build up. If anything I love and appreciate my wife now more than ever. Sure out bodies may not be exactly the same as they were in our early twenties but I am still very much attracted to her and likewise her to me. Sex life may also not be a daily thing like at 23 but we at least were making it happen at least weekly at this point. I think we are doing pretty well. Being a parent is hard but if you choose the right woman you will be a team that makes things better for each other.
As an expecting father of a surprise baby this comment section is just outlining all of my current greatest fears.
For me the physical attraction has never gone away. I’ve always thought she was the most attractive woman in the world. That hasn’t changed with three kids. But I’ve definitely become less attracted over time if that makes sense. Like if we’re talking about a desire for sexual and non-sexual intimacy, it’s decreased over time. After our first two kids I definitely still made my interest in her known despite her not reciprocating (understandably because of post-partum life) but after our third I feel a lot more apathy towards it with not wanting to feel attracted because I know it’ll be one sided or if I do, I just try to ignore those feelings or push them to the side because the past it’s just led to worse resentment.
I got less attracted because after kids, I was put behind the family dog from a priority standpoint. just a walking paycheck that she rejected 90% of the time. so it was nothing physical because I was still attracted to her from that standpoint but the constant rejection and warden like behavior made her far less attractive to me. she stopped being the girlfriend I married and became a warden.
I didn’t care about the weight gain, physical appearance changes, etc.
It was all mental.
She changed as a person with each pregnancy.
The middle one which ended in miscarriage really messed her up, and it took her years to realize she needed help.
But, it took a massive toll on our relationship. It’s hard to be attracted to someone who only sees you as a tool. Something to offload to.
PPD hit her hard with her first pregnancy, although she still denies it. The loss of the 2nd was just depression, and I think that was a normal response. PPD hit with the 3rd pregnancy, and our 2nd child.
With the 1st kid, I’d come home from work, the kid would be dirty with a full diaper, she’d be lounging around basically disconnected. The house would be a disaster. I’d cleanup the kid, get dinner going, get laundry going, get us all fed, pickup the house, get the kid out for a walk/outside time/go for a drive, etc. Something that gave her space from the child, usually at least an hour a day. Then it was back for bath and bed. Then it was finish picking up the house, finish the laundry, and usually by 10pm I was exhausted and just went to bed.
For the alarm to go off at 5:30am so I could start the cycle again. Get up, make coffee, feed us all breakfast. Change diapers. Shower. Off to work.
When you’re utterly exhausted from constantly picking up all the load because your partner is basically a glorified babysitter… The attraction drops like a rock.
It took ~2 years for things to start approaching normal after the 1st kid.
After the miscarriage, things never came back to normal. That just became a new baseline
After the 2nd kid, things never came back to the new baseline.
Every advance I made for relationships was rebuffed for a VERY long time. Even now, with our kids nearly grown, I’d say that a good 75% of my attempts are shut down.
I’ve just learned to accept her as she is, and love her for who she is.
Do I miss the way things used to be? Absolutely. It’s been ~20 years since she first became pregnant.
Who knows, maybe one day when the kids are out of the house, things will slowly make their way back to where they were. I’m not holding my breath.
I’m still attracted to her, it’s just not the same as it was all those years ago. It’s hard to keep a fire going when you’re the only one adding fuel.
I’m so glad I’m gay
She was a cool, fun girlfriend, then wife. But after we had kids she didn’t want to slow down as soon as she could stop breastfeeding she returned to partying. She never fully, abusively neglected the children while we were together but they were way down on her list of priorities, they were accessories not responsibilities.
Her mother was all too willing to watch them while we went out, and at the time I was very grateful for it, we had two kids back to back, Irish twins as they’re called. She was pregnant continuously for the better part of two years and we couldn’t really do anything during that time, bed rest for the last part of the last one, and all the other stressors, of a new family, a new life, a new area, new house, so when we got a respite, I eagerly took it. But it kept going, and going. Eventually her mother had to get on with her life and couldn’t watch the kids all the time.
But her desire to party never waned, so where we could, we took the kids with us, but I was always left to care for them, she’d disappear all night and leave me to watch them, never tagging in so that I could enjoy the festivities too. Luckily the marriage failed before I fully lost attraction, but it was heading that way fast. She started partying without me, and we all know how that ends. And we all know how the family courts are, so we know how that ended too. The kids live with her mother now, and have a far better support system than I can provide, and she’s much better about letting me see them than my ex-wife ever was, though it’s not without issues.
TLDR; I lost attraction to my wife after having children because she was a bad mother.
these comments are so sad
I feel like we had a success story.
After she gave birth and went into mom mode, I found her hotter. But she avoided any sex or relationship talk for a long time. She wouldn’t even joke about sex, and she avoided any kind of intimacy. I started to get really frustrated. Finally, I just asked her straight out what was happening and she was honest.
It turns out she had this big mental block telling her sex was going to hurt like hell now for some reason, and it made her avoid all intimacy because she didn’t want to get my hopes up for sex. She already knew it was irrational but couldn’t help it. But after talking it out, we were able to think of plans to ease her back into having a sex life and assuage her fears. We’ve gone through several different kinds of problems since then, but the key was to address our issues early and often, and not let anything fester.
Later, once our son started sleeping through the night, we made a point to spend more time on each other. We would try to clean house while he was awake (usually one person cleaning while the other is taking care of the baby nearby, trading places occasionally) so that we didn’t always have to clean while he was asleep and could cuddle on the couch for a while instead. We also implemented a weekly check-in talk: How are you feeling about parenthood? How are you feeling about our marriage? How are you feeling about life in general? We would sometimes have these talks while pushing a stroller around the neighborhood. Again, this helped us get out ahead of any problems.
Now that our son is approaching two years old, our life feels like it’s basically back to normal. Except now we have a wonderful little guy who enjoys family hugs.
My exwife focused all her attention and effort exclusively on our baby and in so doing neglected herself and our relationship. It felt like I was pushed aside and relegated to a role as an ATM and handyman. How could I possibly stay attracted to her in that situation?
This thread makes me realize I have no business getting a wife and knocking her up before I’m more emotionally stable.