I could go into all the details and thoughts and
feelings of this, but I think what matters in a
situation like this is the facts.
Fact: gf (23) and me (23) have been dating for
1.5yrs. We live together. We love each other but also have been through a lot of ups and downs where there is obvious resentment from both sides.
Fact: (before knowing she was pregnant) I was
planning on breaking up with her and moving out once I got financially stable. Due to me being miserable in this relationship. She’s made it clear that if we broke up I would be kicked out of our shared apartment so that’s my reasoning for waiting as I live in a state with no friends or family and don’t want to be homeless just because I was unhappy
with my relationship. I’ve explored ways of getting out of the lease which is really not affordable right now.
Fact: I was stupid and had sex without a condom
Fact: still not 100% sure she’s pregnant. She says ifshe takes a test she will off herself, but she is very confident she’s pregnant. I also am somewhat confident as I know she missed her period and is having symptoms of pregnancy.
Fact: abortion is more than likely not an option due to her decision.
Fact: as I respect her decision, I am terrified by it.
Fact: I am broke living paycheck to paycheck. I got a 2nd job for partime during the weekends. Still living paycheck to paycheck.
tl;dr : I feel like my life is ruined. I had goals and plans to do better for myself and live a happier life. I know I have the right to dip out of the relationship not just with her but also with the child (paying child support) but feel like that is irresponsible and morally not okay. I just wanted to move into my own small apartment and get a dog companion and just start saving my money instead of spending it on her all the time. Now in 9 months there will be another human that I am responsible for. I am most terrified of telling my dad. All I want in this world is to make him proud. He has supported me through my worst moments and I feel like now he will look at me differently. I don’t want to have to ask him for his help financially as He has already helped so much. I if I had money and was out of this relationship I think I would be okay with seeing the kid a couple times a month and supporting him/her financially. I now feel trapped in a relationship I don’t want with this giant “issue” (idk the word) looming over my head.
Literally anyone..I need help. I need options. I need life tips. I have no one else to turn to right and I made a stupid Reddit account just to ask for help. What can I do?
16 comments
You are 20 steps ahead of yourself. There are other reasons her period could be late. HAVE HER TAKE A TEST NOW.
First, get the pregnancy test done. No excuses.
After the child is born, a paternity test.
Assuming it’s yours, you hav e obligations you can’t avoid, but you do decide how involved you’ll be.
But all this is moot is she’s not actually pregnant
If you were already miserable, break up. A baby isn’t going to make things any better and putting a child in between a shitty relationship isn’t fair to the kid. Don’t be a piece of shit though and actually be a dad.
Fact: you fucked up by having unprotected sex with someone you didn’t want a child with
Fact: this will likely impact you financially for a very long time
Fact: you do not need to stay in a romantic relationship with her. In fact, because you actively don’t want to be with her, you shouldn’t stay
Fact: a dog and a place of your own are still possible. The timeline and comfort might be pushed back but it’s not an unrealistic dream, even with child support factored in
Fact: I don’t know your dad & can’t speak to his potential reaction. It is extremely likely he will be disappointed in you or distressed by this news. But if he is a good dad, he will also forgive, support, and love you regardless. You fucked up, but it’s a fuckup that many men have done before and many will do after you.
Your life is not ruined. It is changed, but you are very young and there are so, so many ways this can play out. Your life is also bigger than this. You have time to figure it out. But uhh yeah really seems like however you handle this you should break up w your gf and provide any type of support to her and the kid as an ex/co-parent, not as a boyfriend
You’re only 23. Now is when you call your dad and ask to move home.
The only reason you didn’t break up with her is because you didn’t have the money to go your separate way. Don’t think for a minute your gf didn’t know the relationship was going south and you were on your way out. Pregnancy may or may not be a thing. Even if it’s a thing, the thing may not share your DNA.
Call your dad. He loves you.
You are not a terrible person. You are worthy of love from your dad and from others. You need help to get back on track. NOW is when your dad can really do that. Swallow your shit and ask for help. I’m 53 and I would absolutely want my 23 year old child to come to me about this.
First, slow down. You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Just take everything step by step. First, you girlfriend needs to confirm her pregnancy, and then you and she need to make sure that she has appropriate medical care. The first doctor’s appointment, in my area, is usually around week 9 or 10.
Second, you need to tell her that you want to support her through the pregnancy and co-parent the child (if she chooses to keep it), but you do not want to be together romantically. You have to be clear with her about this because this information may impact whether she decides to continue with the pregnancy. Then you need to discuss your living arrangements. She can’t kick you out if you’re on the lease; you two may need to cohabitate non-romantically until you can make a different plan.
At some point, you want to come to terms with the fact that you will owe your child more than child support and an occasional visit, but you have several months to reflect on that.
It’s very likely she’s noticed you checked out of the relationship, so she’s made this up to keep you.
Get a plan to get out. Do not promise her ANY support. Tell her that you don’t want a child and shut down any attempts to talk about the future. If she presses the issue, tell her you don’t feel comfortable making any plans until you’ve had confirmation from a doctor.
I’m gonna guess it’s not pregnancy, it’s stress since you said she’s been unwell lately. Stress can do crazy shit to your body.
Plus, speaking from a female perspective, I’ve NEVER EVER EEeeeeerrrvvvveeeerrr known a woman who was scared of pregnancy refuse to take a test. That’s the first thing you do. That’s usually the very first thing you do to make yourself feel better because fuck! Not knowing is the worst part.
Something is fishy
Go stay with family or a friend and don’t speak to her again until she produces a test. Anyone who won’t show you the actual test is hiding something, and possible they want to have more unprotected sex to actually get pregnant. Don’t give her that chance. People like this are psycho and will do crazy things.
If she is actually pregnant and it’s proven to be yours, get a lawyer and set up visitation, or sign away your rights if you absolutely don’t want to be involved.
Nothing you can do right now. Either she’ll have a baby and it will be yours or she won’t or it won’t.
Like others are saying, she needs to take a test immediately if she suspects that she’s pregnant. You can’t do anything until she does. Others have already covered most of the points I wanted to make as well.
But please, *please* let this be the impetus you need to take condom use seriously. Why on earth would you have unprotected sex, if you didn’t want a child and she wasn’t on birth control? I promise I’m not trying to kick you while you’re down, but that’s a terrible, selfish idea that could easily ruin her life and yours.
This sounds like a fake cry for help to baby trap you (esp her crazy refusal on the test). DON’T HAVE ANY MORE SEX WITH HER!
You realize you do not have to be with her to still be a father and dad to the child.
If you were going to break up with her, why are you having unprotected sex with her? You danced the tango and it might cost you 21 years of support. Also, saying you will see the kid a couple times a month, you do know a couple times a month is what a crappy father does. How do you think your relationship with your dad would’ve been if he only saw you a couple times a month…… I’m sorry this happened to you, hopefully you have learned some self control. Don’t shag girls you are going to breakup with.
>I feel like my life is ruined.
This is correct, and unfortunately, you do not have any options — only she does. She is in *full* control of this situation, you handed it over to her by doing what you did. But you now have a great opportunity to build a new life and a new sense of identity.
You cannot go back. You can never go back. Once a woman gives birth to your child, it’s like Pandora’s box. Your current hobbies and interests? VACATE them from your mind. They are from the past, and you have to let go of what you enjoy in life right now and never look back, it will only cause you pain; yearning for what once was is now going to be the equivalent of wishing you were a little boy again, it’s over.
Now it’s time to start being a dad. You will NOT live the happier life you dreamed of: Starting today, you are going to be working very hard, all day, every day. You must make peace with that fact, because you cannot change it. I may sound like I’m being harsh, but I’m trying to prepare you for what’s to come, and help you avoid the most possible amount of wistfulness and depression that I can.
Start googling how to be a good dad. I’m serious. Start looking to online forums, youtube videos, so forth for advice. This is your kid now and this is your life. You are no longer you, you are your child’s father and you are going to be so for the rest of your life. Put in LOTS of hours at work if possible — maybe even pick up a second job, and there will be some days where life is much happier at work than at home, so you might not even mind. If you have gaming consoles, do your child a favor and sell them; break your gaming addiction as well as any other addictions that you have and get clean.
As for your dad, *do not* ask him for money. Go without, and know what it’s like to go without to motivate yourself to work more or improve your budget, unless it’s an emergency situation. Your dad is going to become one of the most invaluable relationship assets of your life with his wisdom and experience and with any support he goes out of his way to offer you (helping with the kid or financial), but relationships are finite, and every time you ask somebody for money, you are selling off a little bit of their good will for you forever. But if you demonstrate a lot of responsibility as a father yourself, you’ll impress him and make him all the more eager to make things easier for you.
It’s fucked that this happened to you. It’s honestly tragic… it’s a tragedy, let’s not mince words here. But let’s get all of the mourning for your former life out of our systems now because in the future it will be nothing but a distraction and an ongoing psychological torture for you. That kid you made doesn’t deserve the kind of life that happens to you when your dad is impresent due to his own suffering mental health. Be human, let it hurt, and when you’re finished, choose to be strong for your kid from now on, and never look back.
Head over to /r/regretfulparents for a glimpse of what life is going to be like in the future.
Once you’re done with that, considering going out to get a vasectomy so that this can never happen again.
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