So about 2-3 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months. He has had issues with alcohol in that when he drinks, he DRINKS. If there’s liquor around and he has free access to the bottle, it’ll be gone in a few hours and he doesn’t like to stop at just one unless he has to pay for it by the glass. And even then his first question to the bartender is “what’s your strongest drink?” And he always acts like an asshole when intoxicated. He’s not physically abusive but he doesn’t know how to handle his liquor and makes it everyone’s problem and is just generally being unpleasant to be around. But him sober and defending his drinking habit is him being combative and cold because I expressed how he hurt my feelings with something he said or did while drunk and he isn’t like that when he’s sober. I was seeing a Jekyll and Hyde when he was his normal self and when he was defending his habit. I had been giving him chance after chance to fix his behavior if I was to stay with him. We had multiple conversations headed in the direction of splitting within the month prior. These conversations always followed him having “one” drink “once in a while” which turned into “one” drink “once a week”, which turned into “one” a day, which turned into a bottle a night.
I had enough after he took me on a date that was supposed to be all about me because I had been taking us out more frequently than he has in the last month or so. He wanted to repay me by taking me out to a fancy dinner, and it was ruined within the first 5 minutes sitting at the table by the fact that I said I would be uncomfortable with him drinking (given the history and his unpredictable drunken behaviors, which has been articulated in the past). he was also driving us. He decided not to speak to me the entire dinner, we ate in silence while I tried to start a conversation and he kept ignoring me, mostly silent the rest of the night, and into the next morning.
His excuse was he was “dealing with himself” when I told him this was not okay.
I had told him I cannot control him and I have no interest in being his parent. But to protect myself here i broke up with him. It was hard and heartbreaking. I didn’t want to at all. but I needed to put myself first. A few hours later he called me and said he cannot in good conscience let this end because he couldn’t put down the bottle so he said he would give up alcohol altogether if it meant he could stay with me. Obviously this sounds great but I understand how addiction works. My father was a pill addict. It’s a lot of empty promises and heartaches. But I told him I would hold him to his word and we reconciled that day and he’s been sober since then.
I have been hoping for the best but preparing for the worst and managing my expectations. But I completely forgot about the holidays. Today is thanksgiving and he is with his family and I’m home by myself stressing about if I’m going to have to actually die on this hill or give him some grace because of the holiday. I’m in my head like “well if he has just one” how would I handle that? But there’s that other voice that comes in and says “he said he would give it up altogether and you need to hold him to it”. I don’t even know if he’s actually drank anything or will. Again, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Looking for some advice on what to do here. Do I wipe the slate clean and give him a chance because of the occasion?
TLDR; broke up because of alcohol habits, reconciled saying he would give it up entirely, but the holidays are here which is prime drinking time and I’m a ball of anxiety unsure of what to do
EDIT; please understand that this is a vent account. I only post the negative things here I can’t post on main so I apologize if it seems like I’m just complaining about an absolutely horrible 24/7 situation. It’s not like that. But I don’t really want to talk to my friends/family about this because I don’t want them to judge based on these events.
37 comments
Honey he’s an alcoholic. No I wouldn’t give him any extra grace because of the holiday, he’s not going to quit until he’s truly ready and this likely isn’t it.
As the daughter of an addict, you know better. And you know you know better.
Forget today. He’s an alcoholic. He’s not going to change. And he is not worth the worry you’re going through.
He has to want to change for himself. Not for you.
You know that.
His habits aren’t going to change. Don’t go back to this.
You’ve been with him for 6 months. Is this relationship really worth this kind of heartbreak? You know exactly how severe this problem is and you know you can’t save him. Is he in therapy? A support group? If not, he is not as committed to changing as you need him to be. And I say this with all the love in my heart, but I think it would be worth examining why you’ve been willing to put up with this frankly appalling behavior at all.
Six months and already this bad? Girl.
>Do I wipe the slate clean and give him a chance because of the occasion?
Sure, if you like being miserable.
Don’t waste anymore of your time letting this stress you out. He has to want to get better. You don’t deserve to sit around hoping he’ll change, only to look back years from now regretting everything you missed out on dealing with him. I stupidly wasted 7 years of my life on someone similar. You should be enjoying yourself, not worrying about babysitting a grown man or being treated poorly while he’s drunk. Don’t look back on this, even a year from now, and be kicking yourself that you didn’t make the choice to put yourself and your happiness first.
He’s an alcoholic, and you being the only reason he quit drinking or the only person to hold him accountable is unfair. I’d expect he’d go to AA or a support group of his choice, get a therapist, and tell his family that he is sober so that they won’t be offering or pushing drinks on him. He needs a community around him to help him. Of course you’re anxious that it is just his promise to you that is keeping him from the precipice.
This is also way too much BS for 6 mo. It’s relatively easy to date in your mid to late twenties but gets harder as you get older…you’re kinda shooting yourself in the foot here by sticking with a person that is causing you such grief over the bare minimum expectations in such a short time frame.
Lastly, he’s 6 yrs older than you which, I don’t think is too big an age gap, but genuinely you think there is no man within 4-6 yrs on either side of 27 that would be a better fit…?
Only dating 6 months? Alcoholic? Broke up once already?
Move on.
Well you know, it’s not the drinking, it’s the behavior. Don’t worry about whether he’s drinking or not, judge his behavior. That being said, he’s probably going to hide it if he thinks that’s the only way he can drink.
Overall – unless he’s the only man on earth, you can do better.
Source – 1054 days sober. I’ve ruined some great relationships through drinking alcohol (not the only factor but it made things way worse).
Whenever anyone has to specify that their partner isn’t “physically” abusive when they’re describing behavior, it’s a red flag. Normally that isn’t something that needs to be specified. The bar for unacceptable behavior isn’t physical abuse.
Anyway.
OP, he’s an alcoholic you’ve dated for 6 months. Stop wasting your time. Please. You’re making this more complicated than it really needs to be. You will not fix him. You know what addiction looks like.
6 months is too early in this relationship for these types of problems.
You know better. You’re going to spend the future of your relationship constantly worried about him drinking. It’s not worth it. He’s an addict. You know how addicts are.
Even so, you spent your relationship communicating how it makes you feel and he couldn’t pull himself together until you broke up. That means he could have stopped as soon as you put breaking up on the table, but didn’t. He didn’t care that you suffered for it. You stuck with the plan and broke up and suddenly now he’s changed?
Once you’re comfortable and attached to him, can you really trust him not to fall back into old habits once he’s sure you won’t leave?
My most recent ex was an alcoholic.
The thing with addicts is they would say/do anything to get a hit — which is why breaks up are hard, they want that hit of dopamine of saving the relationship. This also builds up trauma bonds which are so much harder to break.
Let me tell you, they do not change. And it’s NOT worth the heartache.
The only real chance he has of changing is if you do dump him and that sends him to his rock bottom.
Also, addicts, especially during early sobriety are very fragile — they do not need the drama of a relationship.
I was with my ex for 8 months, after which I broke up and went through what feels like the worst heart break of my life.
I still pray for him but I am soo much peaceful. I hope he is doing better for himself as well.
And my only true regret is I didn’t do it sooner — LISTEN TO ME, the longer you stay, the stronger the trauma bond.
You have the power right now to be the strong woman who respected herself and didn’t get dragged into codependent bullshit that has the potential to waste years of her life. Don’t squander it.
I can completely relate to how devastating and exhausting and confusing it is to be with someone who is in active addiction.
My first boyfriend was a heavy heroin user, and I remember how stressful and all consuming it was to be apart from him knowing he was in a situation where he was likely using. It took all of my life force to be in a state of constant paranoia, interrogating him and experiencing him lie to my face and gaslight me time and time again.
From the details in your post, I would be absolutely amazed if he made it through the holidays without drinking, and it being the holidays is not an excuse for him to go back on his word.
That being said, he has autonomy and the ‘right’ to drink heavily if he wants to, but he does not have the right to lie to you, make empty promises, go behind your back, or drag you into this with him.
You have no control over his decisions, and every right to walk away to save yourself the torment. I’d rather be in the melancholic post breakup haze over the holidays than be dealing with this.
Look inside and decide what is truly right for you, and go forth with strength and love for yourself and for him. He can only change if he truly wants to for his own wellbeing, and at his own pace.
With my first boyfriend, I finally realized he could not and would not change within the context of our relationship, and walking away was the best decision I could have made.
You’re dating an abusive alcoholic, and barely 6 months in. It shouldn’t need a Reddit post to know you should abort mission stat.
Head on over to the AlAnon subreddit for a glimpse into the lives of those who married the alcoholic. You don’t want that. You can do better.
Notice how he made no attempt to change his habits until AFTER you said you’d leave.
It wasn’t a problem for him to ruin his life and yours before at the big age of 33, but all of a sudden when his mommy-partner is going to leave, he “wants to change.”
I have no faith in his sudden change and neither should you.
If he actually wants to change, he needs to be in a program and have active help!
You literally broke up with him because of this – because you have to monitor him every five seconds.
Even if he WAS serious, relapses happen – and you’d have to babysit him your whole life.
Dump him and go find someone sober.
**Free yourself**
Hello OP. I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs, because my heart breaks for you. I felt deeply sad reading this, it is all too familiar.
Just as many commenters here have said, he WON’T and CAN’T change, if it is not for himself. I believe that nobody has a relationship with alcohol like that, just because. There are underlying issues and unresolved trauma that he is actively suppressing. Some people here have asked whether he is in therapy, but it goes the same, if he’s not doing therapy for himself, no amount of therapy can help him.
It can be tough, especially because your good-hearted nature that wanting to give people, especially significant others, benefit of the doubts and second chances. But from my personal experience and hearing others’ who were on the same boat, please, leave.
I was with my alcoholic ex for 19 months and I stayed with him 18 months too long. All based on the hope of him changing and working on his alcoholism eventually. During my relationship, we have talked so many times about the reasons he drinks and how I suggested that therapy would help. I, myself, is in therapy and I shared with him ways that it has helped and is helping me. To which he always said that he doesn’t believe in therapy, because it is “just paying a person to talk to”. Many times he agreed to a couple’s therapy, but he had always backed out.
My ex, just like your bf, was “not physically abusive but he doesn’t know how to handle his liquor and makes it everyone’s problem and is just generally being unpleasant to be around”. My relationship ended with him trying to kill me, after he drank a whole bottle of whiskey in one sitting. Literally took the knife from our kitchen, put me in chokehold, then pinned me down with the knife on my face while saying “I am gonna kill you then kill myself”. And yes, he was not physically abusive, never hit me even once.
I am sitting here, typing this long paragraphs, alive and relatively well, while still trying to heal from what had happened. **I know I am just a stranger on the internet, but I do really hope that you will find the courage to leave him, as you did once. I fully realized that not everyone is the same, but your story follows a too familiar pattern.**
From the bottom of my heart, I wish only the best for you.
He an alchie.
he won’t stop until he decides to stop. My friend group had an alchie in it and trying to curb drinking when we were together just led to him loading up ahead of time and riding out The booze until he could get another drink.
Alcoholic. Figure out why you’re attracted to someone who is deep in their addiction. It’s not healthy
It’s not worth it. I’ve been with an alcoholic for 8 years. It’s thanksgiving, he’s drunk and rambling about god knows what and I’m scrolling Reddit waiting until we can leave his family’s house so I can go the fuck to sleep. You don’t want this life.
You reap what you sow
This is not going to get better. You’ve fallen into old patterns because this is what you know. Deep down, you also know how this is going to play out: You couldn’t save your dad and you’re not going to be able to save this man either. Please don’t waste the best years of your life trying. He’s 33, he’s been a drunk for years and the only person who can save him is himself.
If you do stay with this man, don’t bring kids into the equation. You have first hand experience of what it’s like to be the child of an addict.
The thing that stands out to me that this is six months in. You’re not married, you don’t have kids. Why would you tie yourself to this person?
He needs to get sober and stay sober for himself for a few years before he’s in a relationship.
Yikes. I did this for 3 years.
Don’t do it. There will just be broken promises, manipulation, projection and heartbreak. Pour all your love and attention into yourself. You deserve it. As everyone has said, he has to want to change.
My ex was an alcoholic and addict, but it wasn’t really clear/obvious to me until 2-3 years into our relationship. I didn’t realize he had a problem until it was obvious.
At some point, a therapist recommended I go to Al-Anon when he relapsed. I did. It was a real eye opener. I highly recommend going to see how your life would play out.
I upvoted just about everyone’s comments. Just left a similar situation myself it doesn’t ever get better it becomes a pattern and only you can break that pattern.
You are wasting your time. You are now home worrying him about drinking while he’s away from you. He’s been in a relationship with alcohol his entire adult life. He’s not just going to wake up and quit cold turkey.
No, you don’t “wipe the slate clean and give him a chance because of the occasion.” Dear God, end it today. You can enjoy the entire Holiday season without worrying about how he is going to misbehave. End. It. Now.
Alcoholics don’t stop just because their girlfriend asked them too.
It’s a little like you’re asking whether to pretend he’s not an alcoholic through the holidays.
TLDR…
If they’re not actively getting help, move on. It’s not your responsibility. The only thing you’ll end up with is less time in your life and stress.
Imagine if he was doing cocaine in the same relative quantity and frequency of alcohol. Would you still stick around for that one? Because it’s essentially the same thing.
My sister married her bf that was exactly like this. Exactly. He promised to change every time she broke up w him and would go through these periods of just being dry or low alcohol. To note: his ex-gf left him bc of his drinking.
However, during one of these low/dry alcohol periods, she married him.
15 years later and it’s been a MAJOR, MAJOR problem in their marriage. It’s the same cycle as when they were dating, the threats to break up, the fighting bc he defends his drinking alcohol.
About 5 years ago she left him when he was at work. He came home to an empty house and divorce papers on the counter. It crushed him.
He begged. He pleaded, he groveled on his hands and knees begging for her back, always denying he was an alcoholic, always saying he can put it up at anytime but thing is – he never does this.
I was pretty pissed when she moved back in after she lived away from him for 6 months.
Recently our father is having major health issues and she is flying out of state to care for him. Guess what he does the entire time (from days to two weeks) she is gone? He goes on major drinking binges and is staying drunk, at times for the entire time she’s gone. Once he stayed drunk for an entire week.
He does this every time she leaves to care for our father. Now his story has changed – now he’s being very angry and screaming that it’s her fault he drinks bc she’s too busy for him, spending too long away from him and … it’s all her fault now. He’s not just angry, he’s beyond normal rage. She is now threatening divorce all over again and now he’s promising to scale it back to only a few beers a night when she’s gone but he’s not quitting drinking, ever, until she stays home. Despite she’s taking care of our dying father – he does not care.
And the cycle rages on …. 15 years of this cyclical pattern.
Op; I dunno how to tell you this – he’s an alcoholic. He wants to drink and have you too. He can’t. He will say/do whatever until you are placated and then he will start up again. He’s likely had many issues w his exes bc of this and he knows how to dangle the carrot to keep you coming back.
Do you want your life to be totally unmanageable?!? I’ve seen and have been present for so many of my sisters and BIL fights over his drinking. Over a decade worth.
It never affects just you, but your family and friends too as they will all see you suffer a lot with this. This is not the life you want. It’s pure hell.
It’s only been 6 months for you. This has been an issue w him for years at this point. Don’t date nor marry an addict. It will only destroy you, and have major ripple effects with anyone around you.
Like the words of Gandalf the Grey: “Run, you fool!!!”
You are not his mom. He is not your child. Codependent relationships hurt both people. It’s bad for you and bad for him.
I think a lot of people are jumping the gun. Yes, he is an alcoholic. Yes, he needs to do some major work on himself (therapy or AA or both). But it doesn’t mean when you broke up he wasn’t like “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be this guy who loses this amazing girl.”
So this is his chance. He takes the steps. He doesn’t touch a drop. He said he wouldn’t. He needs to prove to you that he is trustworthy. That he does what he says he will. Let him have the chance to prove his convictions. Just be prepared he may show you his alcoholism overrides his convictions and then, leave. But also watch for the steps in the right direction. To be healthier. People can want better for themselves, especially when they are faced with the consequences of their actions.
If he drinks on Thanksgiving though, you need to be done forever. A man who doesn’t stick to his word can’t be trustworthy and can’t ever make a vow (like in marriage) seriously.