I have been married to my wife for over 7 years now and we have a good relationship in every way. My issue is our sex life is terrible. I try to please my wife however she is not interested in me performing oral sex on her. And it is basically always missionary position.
I used to be able to perform oral sex on my wife however she asked me if I did this with previous partners and I told her I wouldn’t do it my ex long term due to hygiene issues.
Perhaps I should have said nothing ? After that she said she didn’t want me to do it anymore as she is paranoid. She also constantly asks me for gritty details regarding exes…. Such as how was their pubic hair trimmed etc etc. I usually try to deflect this as I feel uncomfortable.
Anyway last night my wife asked me what was wrong and I told her I was not satisfied with our sex life at all. I wish to do other things than just missionary position.
Can anyone please give me advice as to how I could reinvigorate our sex life ? I realise my wife will soon be going though menopause and her sex drive is low, but I would like to keep our sexual spark there somehow. She was upset when I told her the sex was poor. I didn’t mean to hurt her she asked me honestly. Any advice appreciated
5 comments
Move on. Wife is insane.
The asking for details about exes is a red flag, she’s obsessed, insecure and jealous. Not the best conditions for her to be turned on and want to have sex. Seems like she needs some therapy.
Sounds like my ex. She would tell me she wanted me to f@ck her so I felt satisfied too. As if to say she wasn’t interested in the act but wanted me to feel good. I appreciated the sentiment but after awhile this started to bother me so I started to be very specific in what I wanted her to do and that would satisfy me … bend over so I can see you ass, get on top of me so I can lick between your legs. That worked.
Maybe she is insecure (my ex sure is) and just isn’t sure what you want from her??
>She was upset when I told her the sex was poor. I didn’t mean to hurt her she asked me honestly.
Who’s going to hear “I find our sex life boring”, with the implication that it’s their fault, and *not* be upset by that? Whether you *meant* to hurt her feelings or not, telling your spouse that “I was not satisfied with our sex life at all” isn’t going to land well. Sounds like a complaint that you’re asking them to solve vs. approaching things from a positive POV in terms of “here’s what I’d like to explore with you.”
There’s a bunch of books that *both* of you may want to read:
* Emily Nagoski: [Come As You Are](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314). A very useful book for understanding the nature of how desire works.
* Melody Parker: [The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ). Parker is a psychologist who drew a lot on Reddit users as part of her research.
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill: [Desire](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This is brand new and probably has overlap with the previous two books but I’ve heard [interviews with the authors](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/15fsnnp/psa_couple_of_podcast_episodes_and_new_book_about/) and they definitely tackle the issue of sexual mismatches in relationships.
The constant focus on past partners is disconcerting. That said, I had a similar situation. I approached my wife by noting that we are sexually different – a statement of fact. I also noted that while neither of us were wrong, broke or bad, my sexual needs were not being met. Expecting that she would not understand, as she has super intense, toe curling organisms, I proceed to give an analogy. I asked her think that sex is like going to the beach. She really loves the beach. But, to get to the beach, she prefers the most direct (fastest) route; the most conventional route; and a route with a paved road. But, for me, while the beach visit is important, almost as important as the trip – meaning I like the twists and turns – I want to see and do different things. I don’t mind if the trip is on a dirt road and I get dirty. Lastly, if the trip takes longer due all of the twists and turns, then fine. That’s more intimacy.
Anyway, I not sure is this will help you, but my wife seemed to get the point. While I was looking at her asking myself “how can she not be bored”, she was looking at me asking “how can I not be satisfied”. We just valued different things, and that’s ok, as neither of us are wrong. Now, we are trying to compromise to meet each other needs.
Hope this helps.