My friend has bipolar and ASPD. Every few weeks he will threaten to kill himself (sometimes in front of me) or post concerning things on social media (i.e. a picture of him hunched over a toilet bowl after making himself puke). He has burned every bridge that he has ever built and I am the only friend he has at this point. I have spent countless nights trying to talk him out of killing himself or engaging in other self destructive behaviors (he’s also a sex addict) only for him to completely ignore my advice, and then complain about how bad things happen to him when he continues to put himself in situations where bad things will happen to him. Considering that I am pretty much the only person left in his life, he has become very attached to me and calls me almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Last week he called me six times in one day. I had already talked to him once, and he called me 5 times in a row after that. I i texted him and told him that I couldn’t talk and then asked if he was ok. He said yes. A couple days later he called me and told me that the day he called me five times in a row and I didn’t pick up he called one of his other friends and they told him they were busy too so he took that as a sign and tried to kill himself. I had no idea what to do. I just sat there and listened for the most part. I said something about how he shouldn’t take it personally because a lot of the time people are just busy.
People have told me that I need to cut him out of my life, but I’m admittedly quite codependent myself and it takes a LOT for me to cut someone out of my life, no matter how much of a nuisance they become. He’s also not the type of person that you can just cut out of your life. If someone cuts him off, he will go to any length to destroy their life. He will make up rumors about them, ruin their reputation forever, and bully them into submission.
17 comments
Yikes. Just stand up for yourself and tell him what you feel? Say I’m trying to be a friend but you’re a fucking asshole to me!
Honestly if someone is threatening to ruin your life and there’s evidence others know about his behavior, consider discussing the situation with somebody. These kind of friendships will ruin your mental health, and you shouldn’t put your health over somebody else’s that’s already seems like it’s a mess
I am going to be very straightforward. It is not your job to be his only support system. It is not your job to be his therapist or crisis counselor especially if this is an ongoing issue. If you continue this friendship, you need to set very firm boundaries and stick with them. Let your friend know your limits (one call per day) and how you will not be able to answer if he continues to call you.
In regards to his suicidal ideation, if you feel comfortable, you can do a quick suicide risk assessment. Ask his the following: “are you having thoughts of suicide right now”, “do you have a plans and means in hurting yourself tonight”. If your friend says he is suicidal and has a plans and means let him know “I care about you and your safety. If you cannot promise to be safe tonight I will need to get a 3rd party involved”.
Try to look in your area to see if there is a mobile crisis unit. 911 for immediate intervention is the absolute last resort if absolutely neccesary.
The bottom line, it sounds like your friend needs professional help. It is not your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. You also should not be put in a position where you feel like someone’s life is in jeopardy because of you.
It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. I work in mental health and work with these kinds of situations on the daily. My inbox is open if you need more support or guidance.
I think you need to cut this friend off. They are not your friend. Don’t do a melodramatic break up, just slow fade out.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
If you are worried he will do something silly if you don’t respond to him, call police for a welfare check.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
This person isn’t your friend and they need serious professional help that you aren’t able to provide. I would slowly distance myself, and possibly encourage them to seek help.
This friend isn’t suicidal they are attention seeking. If you can’t extricate yourself from them when they post questionable items start responding publicly with “have you talked to a counselor about that?” “What does your counselor have to say?” And when they call respond by sending the number for the suicide hotline. Chances are good they really can’t ruin your reputation because everyone already knows what they are like but at least you’ll be known for encouraging them to get help. You should also seek counseling as being around this kind of toxic behavior creates issues in others. This individual is likely to accidentally succeed one of these days. Get away from them ASAP.
Every time he threatens suicide call the police Ask them to do a wellness check. I wouldn’t even tell him you called. Let them deal with it. This guy is not your friend if he’s threatening to destroy your life if you put boundaries in place. it’s not your responsibility to be his only support system, especially if he‘s not willing to seek professional help.
He is not suicidal, he’s doing whatever he can to manipulate you and it’s working. If you cut him out of your life, nothing bad will happen to him. He will be fine because, surprise surprise, his supposed suicide attempts are not real. I’ve had to deal with someone like this before, cut him off and move on. I’m sure others will understand he’s a liar even if he does try to ruin your reputation.
I think you know what the answer is; I think you know what you need to do. You’re just hoping we’ll tell you something different.
You’re not obligated to be his emotional support animal. Gather all the evidence that he is suicidal, present the information to his parents or call the police and have them do a wellness check. If he’s suicidal he will get the help he needs, if he’s not, he will think twice before using that as a way to manipulate you into returning his calls. Or just cut him off. Chances are you are not the first person he tried this with, nor will you be the last. If he says it again, just give him the number to suicide hotlines or therapists/counselors in your area. If he still doesn’t stop, just say “Look man, I’m sorry you’re hurting but I cannot take the constant suicidal threats anymore. I can’t help you and I’ve given you the opportunity to connect with resources that can actually help.” After that, give him crickets.
Any time an attention seeker threatens suicide, call 911 and have the proper health care workers give him the attention he needs. For 72 hours. Eventually they’ll stop using you as an emotional punching bag, because they can’t afford grippy sock vacations any more.
From your past posts, it seems like you are under 18 and likely still in school.
Go to the school councilor, like yesterday, and tell them about this behavior. It will be taken seriously; and they will be able to help him in ways you are not able to. It will feel like a betrayal, but I promise you in the long run that he will someday come to be thankful for the intervention. Past that you have no obligation to help him.
I had a friend do these exact things to me back in high school, and he was so incredibly toxic and manipulative. This is not someone you can keep in your life; every bit of this is emotional abuse. It is not your job to support or fix him. Do not allow this behavior towards you to continue. It is not healthy for you just as it is not healthy for him. Though my friendship ended over a situation like this, he is alive and well to this day and had he not received professional help I fear that his story may have taken a different direction.
This person does not care about you. Anti-social personality disorder is actually *very* hard to get a diagnosis on. This person therefor has an *extensive* history of intentional being violent, manipulative, abusive, and destructive.
10:1 your co-dependence is what makes you a juicy target for this person. Work on your own boundaries.
If this person is threatening suicide, call 911 or mobile crisis if that is available in your area. They can determine if the person meets in-patient criteria and get them to a safe place if they are in fact suicidal. You do not need to learn to any special skill to do this, but it needs to be a line in the sand. He says “I’ll kill myself,” you just make the call, say nothing about it to him, just do it.
If he doesn’t wind up being placed in a psychiatric hospital, he isn’t suicidal. If he’s not suicidal, he’s manipulating you, if he’s manipulating you, he’s not a friend, if he’s not a friend, given his history, what intention could he have for you but the predatory kind?
Saw your comment abt hitting up a mutual friend, that’s a good idea. Having someone who can vouch for his awful behavior if he tries to spread lies will make it easier when you cut him off. Speak to other people in general to ease the codepency stuff. If something like a missed call was enough to make him commit suicide, he’d already be dead.
He’s using suicide as bait to get attention. He’s not really going to do it and you are fallin for it every time. If you truly are concerned about him next time then tell him you’re worried about him and are called a crisis assessment team to his house. Do that every single time he threats it. If you don’t have a crisis assessment team where you live then call the cops and get them to go out to him every time. He’ll stop that shit real quick when he knows your serious.
He’s manipulating you and playing on your emotions. It’s a fucking terrible idea to ever be friends with someone with ASPD. If they aren’t in treatment then they aren’t worth being friends with I promise you that. If your mate wasn’t a horrible person then he’d he in treatment working on himself so he didn’t burn down the world around him.
This is a very unhealthy relationship and I think you know that. I want you to know that if he ever harms himself, it is not your fault. The way he’s posting on social media sounds like a manipulative way of getting the attention he needs. He also is getting that attention from you.
I have no authority to diagnose, but I suggest that you look into how to interact with people who have borderline personality disorder.
This is not a friend. This is an anchor. A very manipulative, toxic, deeply disturbed anchor. No friend would subject their friend to this kind of relentless rescue trauma. If you’re co-dependent, this is why. Your nerves have been burnt out and twined to respond to his whims and dramatics. He calls you five times a day because he needs the reassurance that
*He’s also not the type of person that you can just cut out of your life. If someone cuts him off, he will go to any length to destroy their life. He will make up rumors about them, ruin their reputation forever, and bully them into submission.*
Well, that’s not a red flag. That’s an enormous, stadium-sized red banner.
It’s a matter of your mental health to remove yourself from this person.