I hate when people ask me this. It’s seriously so annoying. “Hi how are you?” “Good how are you?” “Good” it is so stupid. I feel awkward and embarrassed when people ask me this. They obviously don’t care about how you’re doing. When people ask me this I usually just say “hi” or “hey” back to them. What is a better way to get around this?
29 comments
Im sorry. Im trying to talk to people. Everyone tells you to say that.
I’m good, how are you? In the US it’s just a greeting. There’s no need to feel embarrassed about answering it, it’s a casual greeting
> “Hi how are you?” “Good how are you?” “Good” it is so stupid.
This kind of conversation feels like both of the people have almost nothing going on in their lives or don’t know/like their conversation partner enough to get into it with them. There’s plenty of ways to weave in potential conversation topics by connecting it to how they made you feel. For example:
>”How are you?”
>
>”Pretty good. Had a nice workout this morning / went to a concert yesterday so I’m still feeling that high. How was your weekend?”
>
>or
>
>”Not great. A bit worried about that test/ doctors visit/ whatever I have coming up”
Now you have provided a further topic to engage with to deepen the conversation. Ideally, both of the people should be able to string topics and provide the other person something to work with.
In the UK everyone says, ‘you alright?’, alright, hows it going, alright mate and how are you.
It’s a friendly acknowledgement, if someone does that to you, they are acknowledging your presence which is better than ignoring you, as if you don’t exist.
Try and work it out, you don’t have to tell everyone your life story but retreating inside and ignoring everyone will not help your social skills.
That’s fine right there. All that’s happening is you’re acknowledging each other’s existence in a polite way, and if you both have time and something to communicate it’s a convenient opening. Like instead of responding directly to “How are you” you can redirect it to “So did you lose power last night?” or “Hey I like that sweater” or whatever seems like a more meaningful thing to say in the moment.
I just flat out say “I’m TIRED” and I’ve been saying it for years lol
I like it when it’s coming from friends because I can tell they actually care, and we can engage in a conversation about how we’re both doing. I do agree that it’s annoying when it’s coming from someone who clearly doesn’t care and is just saying to be polite.
How are you?
In what context are you being asked this question? Is it a stranger or someone you know well? If it’s a stranger, it’s probably meant to be a greeting and also leaving the door open for however you want to answer. If it’s someone you know personally, hopefully their intention is to actually find out how you are doing.
I think the reason I hate it is because most of the time I’m not actually doing well
I learned in school that it’s polite to always reciprocate by saying “I’m well, and you?” I am so stringent about these small social norms that I get upset when people don’t do it back. It’s frustrating, because it’s like “I learned this thing we are supposed to do to show that I care you’re here and exist around me, why aren’t you doing it too?” I am the extreme rule follower type if that’s not clear.
It’s just a conversational convention. In China they ask of you’ve eaten.
It’s no big deal and nobody really wants to know.
Just say the thing back and don’t break stride
What makes you assume people don’t care how you are doing?
I understand you. But “Hi how are you” is just a polite way to greet people. Why should people care? Why would someone who isn’t even close care about how you are doing? Are you waiting for your boss to care or the cashier you just met at the store? Stop overthinking and taking things too seriously. These are called social skills, not hypocrisy, except for cloooose people such as parents, siblings, partner and children. Just take it easy friend and I hope you are really doing well
No this is just something u gotta do :0 just say good and move on
Hopefully you’re just doing that shit to cashiers/passersbys and not coworkers/classmates. Realize on their end all they see is someone habitually being socially awkward or dismissive.
You can tell a lot about someone’s current state by how they answer, like how cooperative or at-ease they are atm, which comes in handy if you’re going to have a prolonged interaction. What do you wish to communicate in this first impression? For them to get the hint and stop greeting you this way? To start a convo about how dumb small talk is?
You complain people don’t communicate with intent…
It’s not supposed to be taken literal. Therefore, it’s not a question. It’s a greeting. Just say the greeting back and be done with it.
This is why I ask people, “How are you *really*?” I also hate this as a greeting, but you gotta learn who actually means it and who doesn’t. Long time close friend? Probably means it. Grocery store clerk? It’s a greeting.
I suggest taking a bigger picture view of this.
This scripted greeting functions as a way to acknowledge someone’s presence and/or initiate conversation as needed/ wanted. Since there’s no expectation for any real discussion about how someone is doing, there’s no need to provide. It’s enough to follow the script.
But why do this at all?
I would say one of the main reasons is to acknowledge the presence of someone who might feel upset if you didn’t say something to them. For example, you see a coworker get into your elevator. You want them to know you see them, because if you didn’t say something it might harm the relationship.
In fact, saying “how are you?” is fairly arbitrary. The words, the content, could really be anything because the content isn’t the point.
Pleasantries are just a way to maintain that social relationship.
I suggest finding a way to live with/tolerate these pleasantries because there’s no real way of getting around this. That’s what people will ask you, and you can’t control other people (I’m assuming). Or you could move to Canada or Russia (for example) where asking, “How are you?” is a sincere inquiry.
You know, it’s easier for you to simply let this go as a non-problem than expect the whole world rearrange its greeting culture to adjust to your preferences.
Or you can find a way to make light of the question and joke back with: “Better than I deserve!”
When someone says, “Wow, that’s cool!,” they don’t mean it’s chilly; it’s not literal.
When someone says, “This is f-ed,” there is no sex going on. Don’t interpret it as such.
It’s OK to accept them for their social intent.
When someone says, “Hi, how are you?,” they aren’t asking how you are. It’s not literal. There is no need to infer it’s literal. Accept it for its social intent as a way of greeting and no more.
it’s not stupid at all.
it’s a gesture of politeness and signaling to the recipient that you come with friendly/non-harmful intentions. This is *immensely* important for social creatures for a handful of reasons.
Here ill give you an extreme example about a situation that happened to me the other day:
I was walking to my car in the garage of my shared apartment building, and I see a dude that I dont know at night standing around my neighbor’s car. He notices me come up, turns his head, and asks “hey how are you?”, I answer that I’m okay and he responds that he’s also fine, and he’s just waiting for his sister to come down.
Completely disarmed. Sure, he could be lying, but the odds of that are virtually slim. His gesture of politeness was super important.
It’s common to reply “hey” to that question. It’s called a formality, not like they are inviting an open conversation about how your life is actually going. I don’t think it’s normal to be emotional about a common formality. Are you from outside of the US?
Its a social script. They are useful; like an ice breaker or a lay up for general social communication.
If someone at work walked up to you and the first thing they said was “so have you finished the report?” or, “have you read the email I sent” – its pretty demanding an rude.
But if you throw in this social script first, it softens that sense of rudeness somewhat.
Just look at it a social script to lead up to other social interaction, or to touch base, and it will be easier to digest.
It’s literally just an ice breaker. If you respond with a “good, thanks” that signals you don’t want to talk. If you say “good, and you?” that’s a sign you’re down to engage and so then the real convo can start.
It’s a social ritual. It doesn’t mean anything because it doesn’t have to. There’s no reason to “get around” it because it’s meaningless and just part of normal social interaction and most people don’t think about it at all.
If you really want a better canned response, “Could be better, could be worse” is always true and correct, and suits the situation in every case.
I don’t recommend telling people how you really are, by the way. I used to do that and it doesn’t go down well at all. If you want to irritate, confound, confuse, and maybe alienate people, then do it, but otherwise, yeah, not recommended.
You could be honest. I, when I wasn’t good, did not like answering that I was. It was annoying. So I started answering things like, “Not too great but, I’ll live,” “Could be better,” “I’m here!” Lol. Idk, it made me feel better to be honest even if I wasn’t going into details, even if they didn’t care. And if someone asked for details and I didn’t feel like sharing I’d just say, “Eh, you know. Life!” I still tend to answer accurately to how I’m doing but, the thermometer ranges from “Great!” to “I’m doing ok.”
It’s a ritualized greeting. It’s not meant literally. You can choose to engage literally by talking about something going on in your life, but the default is not to do that.
“Why not just say hello then?” Because most people don’t. You can complain about it or you can accept that this is something most people do without thinking very hard about it and use it as a way to unlock whatever conversation you do want to be having.
I agree with you. I hate it. I think people who don’t have severe depression don’t find and issue with it, but for people like me who has severe depression, this conversation is the worst thing ever. You’re already struggling to be sane just by being by yourself and then you have to participate in a meaningless conversation that uses up your already drained energy for a conversation that didn’t do anything for you.