Do self-help books actually work?(specifically someone who struggled socially)

20 comments

1. I’ve only ever read The Subtle Art… But when I learned the “self help” industry makes a ton of money, I don’t really think of it as help. It’s entertainment – for me at least

2. They provide you with a baseline, but you have to practice them and occasionally look elsewhere for specific stickpoints (Ie. In my case small talk and humor)

3. Depending on the book they can help to give a more concrete idea, give a vocabluary for things that you had no words for (thus making it easier to communicate stuff and find info about it), see things from the angles you didn’t see.

   Having words for your experience can be empowering. Like in the story about a mother who went to a seminar and there heard the concept of postpatrum depression for the first time. It changed her world. She realised that she was not a bad mother, but actually was mentally ill at that time.

   Also seeing someone write stuff about how you feel can make you feel validated and not alone and thus could motivate you to change stuff.

   I read “drive your own darn bus” and “stop caretaking for the borderline or narcissist”. They helped me to internalise emotionally distancing (through realising that i can’t help the person on their situation as only they can help themselve) from a person who constantly drains me. Thus i can still interact with them while retaining my emotional health.

   It’s not enough to just read the books – you have to work on doing some of the things (that fit your situation) that the book talks about.

   Also note that it can take a long time to improve yourself and that improvenet tends to be slow paced and thus our brain mamages to adapt to the changes and thus doesn’t see the ammount of progress that was done.

4. Only one so far, “Surrounded by idiots “.

5. I tell this story to everyone who will listen. I was always semi extroverted in the sense that I liked socializing with my small group of close friends, but I was extremely antisocial when it came to dealing with anyone not already in my circle. Even with my friends, I was constantly antagonistic and would get very defensive and uncomfortable when they had other friends. It was miserable.

   Then I bought myself “how to win friends and influence people”. It completely changed my attitude and approach. I quick my labor job 4 months later and went into a soft skills career. I went 100% into EQ and building social skills.

   Nearly a decade later, my life is so much better than I could have imagined. My personal relationships have grown, I make new friends and connections nearly daily, and my confidence is higher than ever. Not to mention the ease of career advancement when your primary skill set is built on relationships.

   I can’t promise the book will change your life by itself, but if you actually commit to self improvement, it’s the best 101/ABC’s of social skills.

6. Yes they’re great. Read as many as you can and try to do what they say. The beginning of my self development journey started with reading a bunch of self help books. I went from being awkward with lots of social anxiety to now having no anxiety and I even do public speaking for my job now.

7. Maybe obvious to you but… Don’t just read books. Social skills are 80% about practice (i.e. get out and do stuff involving other people, talk to other people etc.), 15% active reflection and readjustment/realignment (don’t just do, think about it afterwards to see where you can improve), and maybe 5% theoretical materials (books, podcasts, seminars,…).

8. Self help is a huge category, including everything from dealing with anxiety to what to say to build social skills, so… yes of course they work. They’re just information sources no different than youtube or talking to a person who knows something you don’t.

   It doesn’t mean that ALL self help will always work for YOU. There are books that will be suitable if you’re a middle aged woman going through divorce. Others for men who are trying to figure out how to feel confident asking out women. Or people who want to feel more self compassion through meditation.

9. Don’t expect massive immediate improvement. But the two books that changed me are…

   – How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
   – Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

   No book will turn your life around overnight.

10. Yes, I wish I could access all the stuff I bought off audible.
    I got to listen to some of it but, mostly I never ended up getting to hear most of them.. still want to tho.

11. Reading them is not going to change your life unless you follow the rules or ways written in the book.

12. It depends. It’s a whole industry but some of them are based on psychological interventions.

13. They help you in learning how to interact with others. However they cannot help others not be assholes to you.

14. It depends on you. No matter how many self-help books you read, it doesn’t matter if you are not willing to put in the changes. Self-help books are quite Self-explanatory. It’s nessesary for the reader to want to and also to take action to change his or her routine/thinking/action etc.

    To answer your question, yes Self-help books have helped me a lot!

15. i find that self help books are always just the same exact information packaged differently. I haven’t really read one that told me something I hadn’t heard before

16. I think it’s better to read the highlighted points from the book nd not necessarily all the content .no amount of reading can change urself, its the application of the points what makes it .indeed reading helps u to grow ur vocabulary.

17. Books may help somewhat. But you have to truly do the work. Practice interacting with people.

18. Sometimes, yes. Knowledge is power & especially for those with an analytical mindset, new information can be life changing. E.g., I’m a scientist, I stopped drinking when I realized what the stuff actually does to me.

    I have a few anxiety disorders & read one book that helped me a lot. Helped me change up & get out of an impossibly difficult situation (10 year abusive relationship, had to sneak out, had zero faith in self, etc). It reminded me to believe in myself. It’s not exactly a self help book but I think it’s often cross referenced with them. I recommend it to everyone. It’s short but my copy is tattered from re-looking things up.
    Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach.

19. I really was in the same boat as you as a kid, so I read the book *How To Win Friends & Influence People* by Dale Carnegie. I can honestly say that book did NOT help me win a single friend! I’m not dissing it, because it *is* a decent human relations manual, but for me it was NOT helpful in teaching me how to CONNECT, which is what my basic problem was at that time. (I’m now a very extroverted & outgoing adult, so yeah you can change!)

    A recent book that I think is pretty good is *The Charisma Myth* by Olivia Fox Cabane. It has a lot of actionable tips. I also wrote a book myself, kind of in response to Dale Carnegie, with an emphasis on how to CONNECT with people. Don’t want to violate any rules so I won’t link to that but if you can dm me if you want any info on it.

20. No, but at least they give you motivation.