Hi everyone,
I need some advice. I have been with my husband for more than a decade and I find that I’m slightly unhappy with some aspects. The short summary would be: He is sometimes behaving in ways that I find slightly annoying (like being not very serious or loosing drive in his career) while I am becoming more serious and focused than him. He never complains about me and seems to genuinely love/like me the way I am and because of that I feel like a very shitty person if I complain about something. Can/should I ask him to change or am I just spoiled?
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Maybe some background:
* We are currently in (again) a long-distance relationship phase and only see each other on weekends. I think this is also contributing to me feeling unhappy in general and less confident in our relationship. I sometimes feel like I don’t want to talk on the phone since I am angry/sad that I can’t see him
* We both are in very stressful phases of our careers
* The things that annoy me are stuff like
* him focusing on making a joke while I am focused on a task we’re doing together
* he spends up to several hours a day with audiobooks and when we talk on the phone he wants to also talk about those. In general, he is a very curious person that loves to share recently learned facts and I feel like I would rather talk about what was going on in our day to feel connected. This leads to me sometimes asking him to abbreviate or change the topic (Edit/Update: Since it is already being mentioned that this is rude from my side I want to describe it better. By asking him to abbreviate we have the same share of the conversation, otherwise he could easily have a monologue for the entire conversation and he has told me to let him know if it gets too much)
* We’re both in academia and were initially very career oriented and now he doesn’t really want that anymore. Part of me understands that very well. But I am disappointed since I always admired him for his enourmous curiosity and drive. Now he is spending hours every day listening to random audiobooks, going for walks or meditating and wants to change to a different career path.
I understand that these are minor things, but especially in the long run I am slightly unhappy. I know that I can talk to him and that he would try to change things, but I am wondering if I am just unfair/spoiled. Is it normal after being together for a long time to be less happy and to be annoyed by small things? I have never been in a long relationship before and I am worrying that in the very long run, we will not fit together anymore…
Does anyone have advice or similar feelings?
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4 comments
Being annoyed over minor things is normal. Not learning to accept those is not.
It sounds to me like he’s choosing happiness. Not everyone wants to advance their careers. People can get comfortable and be happy with that familiarity.
I find it a bit odd that you get annoyed that he’s wanting to talk to you about things that make him happy. My wife and I have vastly different interests that the other cares nothing about. We still talk about our interests and listen to each other, because we know those interests make us happy.
Talking about your day is cool. So is talking about things you’ve learned in your day and things that interest you. Interesting that you don’t want to hear what interests him or that he’s learned that day.
It’s interesting that you want him to change and fit a certain image but don’t seem to appreciate him for who he is outside of those things. Would you love him if he ended up in a tough spot and legitimately couldn’t excel in his career for a bit? Would you support him? Or do you love him for the image you make of him while you’re long distance?
It sounds like he genuinely is connecting with you through sharing his life but the problem isn’t his life he’s sharing, it’s that he doesn’t fit the mold you want. Is that selfish? Well, I think that depends on who you ask. But, it does seem unfair to want to fundamentally change what makes your spouse happy because it doesn’t fit your perfect image.
What, specifically, about his day do you want to hear about? It sounds like he’s not into his career anymore and possibly burned out so there’s a good chance that he doesn’t want to talk about work when it’s over. To me it sounds like he *is* talking about his day. He’s talking about the interesting parts which these days are the books he’s listening to.
Managing the amount of time he talks about that so that you have time to talk about your day is entirely fair.
I heard a great saying about communication, we think in pictures but speak in words. For example, you talk about a big date night and one of you thinks hot sex while the other is thinking about eating your weight in tacos and going to bed early. That’s why I say be specific. You’re saying “talk about your day” and he’s like “oh yeah definitely. Here’s the best part of my day. I was reading this book and…”
> But I am disappointed since I always admired him for his enourmous curiosity and drive. Now he is spending hours every day listening to random audiobooks, going for walks or meditating and wants to change to a different career path.
Again, be specific. To me this is still drive. He may have changed directions but he’s still on a path. He’s still curious, learning, growing, doing things for his mental health, and unless there’s something you’re not saying then different career path doesn’t mean no drive. If you’re going to tell me he’s on the couch all time watching Netflix that’s different but that’s not what you’ve said.
Think about what you’re really after and think about what’s under that. Do you really want someone who has drive? If so, does he still have it? Or, did you like something about the direction that drive was taking him? If he’s headed down a different path and that’s changing the picture you had for your future you may need to grieve that for a bit.