I have dated him for 4 years and have been married to him for an additional 4 years. We have our ups and down but generally, he is very sweet to me. We have a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and they are adorable too.
This Thanksgiving though turned out to be a disaster. I wanted to go over to my family’s house for Thanksgiving but after an arguement between my husband and my parents, they don’t want him around and he would prefer I not go. It turned out to be a moot point when my parents had to cancel their plans due to them catching covid so I decided to go with him to his parents’ house.
His family doesn’t particularly like me but they love when I help them out. And my husband had me help them with the cooking, the cleaning, setting up the tables, and supervising the kids while the rest eat. I asked my husband to have someone else watch them but he said that my help was important.
I mean fine but I don’t feel I’m appreciated. Finally, we went home and he took leftovers. Naive me thought he would give them to me but when we got home, he started to eat them. I confronted my husband and said that I didn’t get a chance to eat and that I was never thanked.
This led to an arguement where he said I didn’t need to be a pig and that my sacrifice was important. This led me to shout and my husband got fed up and started throwing food at me and told me I could eat them like a f****** pig. I was hurt and he bolted out the door. As of today, he still hasn’t returned.
How do I get him to stop with his attitude?
36 comments
Holy. You need counseling. Why would you let somebody treat you that way specially your husband? Alone that you didn’t got anything to eat but not even the leftovers? And then he throws them at you and calls you names? That is not how a husband should behave.
I mean, what? You had to find someone other than him to watch his kids? And he had a fight with your parents? No doubt as a direct result of his own immaturity? And then calls you a pig anc throws food at you? These are downs. Most of us enjoy entire relationships without ever being called a pig by our partners. When he comes back you need to set some demands. Apologies first, counseling, and expectations. And if he ever pulls shot like that again—and you know he will—then there have to be consequences for those actions. If there are none, then welcome to the rest of your life.
My first thought was that this sounds like there’s something going on between him and his family you don’t know about. Like, they told him you can only come if you play servant and never eat any of the food even as leftovers.
After reading your comments it sounds more like he just doesn’t fucking like you anymore and wants you to suffer.
There’s no excuse for the way he treated you at dinner or afterward. Stop thinking about how to get him to stop and start thinking about how you aren’t going to settle for a marriage where you’re treated with such contempt.
this should not be mended. Namecalling is the first step in the abuse that will escalate more and more. Why don’t your parents like him? Is it because he is mean to you?
Oh girl. You have been so terribly broken. Please go get therapy ASAP to help you gain some confidence. Your husband is downright abusive on several levels. This is not ok.
And is the way he’s acting the example you want for your kids?
This relationship should end so they have half a chance of not turning out like him.
this reads as fake
lol “your sacrifice is important honey”.
I hope this is fake because I can’t imagine a grown adult starting a food fight and calling his partner a pig for wanting to eat food after not eating supper. This is not even how functional thanksgiving work- everyone eats thats the very basic premise of thanksgiving supper.
Change the locks, get a lawyer and a therapist. He has shown you who he really is and you and your children deserve better.
You divorce him. He’s a abusive piece of trash who doesn’t even seem to like you, let alone love you. Therapy, individual therapy for you alone. You deserve so much better.
OP.. that’s not simply attitude. That is emotional and physical abuse (I know it’s “just good,” but my point stands) and emotional neglect. He is actively hurting you, even after having time to reflect on whatever he’s feeling and calm himself down. He’s a disgusting asshole who, on top of everything else, is trying to gaslight you.
His behavior is unacceptable, and I hope you stand firm in knowing that and hold him accountable. You are not overreacting, being too sensitive, asking too much, inconveniencing him, etc.
He is intentionally hurting you.
Divorce is the answer. Him throwing food at you and swearing at you says alot.
Wow it’s a mystery why your parents don’t like your abusive and manipulative husband… not to be a stereotypical redditor but I cannot fathom staying with someone who lacked basic respect for me like that.
Divorce. That’s unacceptable behavior. Divorce.
Even the hired help us offered a plate of food.
Gotta ask what he brings to this relationship that makes it worth continuing.
I think your family may be right. He threw food at you, you should be considering not letting him come back home.
Are you his partner or his servant? Why would you want to stay in that situation?
He’s very sweet to you? He threw food at you and called you a fucking pig before storming off like a child. How is that sweet? Open your eyes girl.
Best thing that could happen to you right now. Stay put. Dont let him bully you out of the house. If you are a sahm then he will have to pay alimony and child support. If you are working with equal pay usually only child support. Keep all texts and written paperwork where he said no contact with kids. This will help with custody.
Tell your parents right away and get a lawyer.
Good luck.
You get him to stop with the attitude by not tolerating it. This is an extremely toxic, abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don’t require one sided “sacrifices”, compromise of course but what has he compromised on? It will get worse because every time you let people walk all over you they lose respect for you, which in turn makes them walk all over you more.
Talk to a good divorce lawyer asap, they are his kids and he will be responsible for child support. Make sure you get everything you deserve and do not tolerate being treated like this. Keep records, record with your phone if you feel threatened, call the police. If he comes home let him know things will be different and make sure you stay strong and not give in.
“We have our ups and downs but he’s normally sweet to me” always translates to “he doesn’t hit me so it’s ok”
You’ve been together since you were 18 so I understand it’s hard to imagine anything different. But this is abuse. This is not healthy for you or your children.
Get a lawyer. Get child support. He doesn’t just get to up and leave.
When you got home and he acted this way, was he aware that you didn’t get to eat ? Was he drunk ? Just trying to get some insight. Is this the first time he has called you a pig ? And do you struggle with your weight ? Obviously either way, it’s shitty and not acceptable (but asking questions to better understand and to better help)
I wonder why your parents don’t like your husband…?
Contact them. Talk to them. Ask them for help. Talk to friends. Keep friends close!
Leave him. Take your kids and leave. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. You do not deserve to be treated that way.
You divorce him. He has not one bit of respect for you. That’s how you fix this
I’d be serving him divorce papers.
idk bout u but if my bf of 8 yrs threw food at me or disrespected me the way your bf did, he’d be dead before he can even walk out that door
So you basically turned up to your in-laws for thanks giving and you were a server for the evening and didn’t even get to sit and eat anything? Then you wanted a share of the leftovers, he refused and instead started throwing food at you? And no one even said thank you? This is pretty disgusting behaviour from him and your in-laws. I’d be having second thoughts about the whole relationship tbh
How do you get him to stop? You leave.
So he’s asking you for a divorce seeing your updates… but you’re hoping he’ll change his mind? Jesus Christ why
You know I don’t even understand how the hell this is even a real thing. So a dad throws food on the floor and at his wife then tells her to eat it like a pig and their kids are there to watch it. And she’s worrying about him…… You know what adults do is their own business but making a kid see that it’s deplorable.
Every time I feel like a sad single 30 year old woman alone in a condo I read this dark shit and thank god for my blessings.
I’m sorry . . .
Your HUSBAND, the FATHER OF YOUR TWO CHILDREN, took you to Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your in-laws, the family you married into . . . AS THE HELP?!
Like, he didn’t bring you to dinner as his wife, partner, mother of his children, his family, who would obviously be happy to help out (as would any decent human invited to a big holiday dinner) *alongside* the rest of the family. He actually brought you *specifically to be the (unpaid) help* and treated you accordingly, as did the rest of the guests, and you weren’t even welcome to sit down to the holiday meal with the rest of your in-laws?
And why were the children not eating with everyone? Or why were their own parents not responsible for them if they were not eating?
And then, as if that wasn’t horrifying enough, after bringing you to a holiday family gathering and treating you like an unpaid servant (and we have a word for that, and it isn’t a nice one), when you got home after he’d had a big beautiful holiday meal, he pigged out on leftovers in front of you, *still* didn’t offer you food, and *called you disgusting, demeaning names* *and THREW FOOD AT YOU* like a fucking feral toddler when you suggested that perhaps you at least deserved a plate of fucking leftovers after being his family’s house slave all day?
Oh honey. Oh honey, no.
I am trying really hard not to be patronizing here, because you’ve been treated so dismissively already, but as an older woman I just want to gather you up in my arms, hug you tight, and then yell at you for putting yourself through this nonsense.
His “attitude” isn’t the problem. It’s his entire, deeply dehumanizing view of you. Hell, it’s his whole fundamental self, given that he cannot even get along with your family.
He is a grown man, a husband, and a father of two, and IT IS NOT ON YOU TO FIX HIM. It is on him to fix his damn self . . . and it is on you to let him know, clearly and unequivocally, that you will not be present while or until he does that.
He does not get to demean you; he does not get to treat you as a convenience that belongs to him and that he can lend out to others; he does not get to dehumanize you, call you disgusting names, and he sure as hell doesn’t get to throw things at you.
This is abuse, my friend. I don’t care if he is “generally very sweet to you”. So are all abusers when they aren’t throwing food at their partners and calling them pigs. That’s their MO. They’re super charming . . . until they’re not. DO NOT allow your children to grow up in a home where they watch their father treat their mother this way. Not ever. I’m not usually a “walk away” person but this? This is a situation where you tell him point blank that you are walking away, for your sake and your children’s.
hell no. divorce him, i don’t even need to finish it. someone who throws things at you and calls you names isn’t someone you need in your life.
Why are you married to this man? He sounds fucking awful.