Me (M28) have been in a relationship with a man (M24), this is the first ever gay relationship I’ve been in and I really valued how honest, lovely, and kind he is. He always checks on me and is always there for me. He has a fantastic family and all of that is really amazing.
I make a lot more money than he does around 150k because I own a business in entertainment. I work form 9am to 2am EVERY SINGLE DAY. My business is very up and down and very unstable. My partner makes virtually nothing, he is an actor, and makes less than 1k a month in NYC, if even that from freelance teaching. It has stressed me out because I have to pay for everything. However, we live in New York City, I have to pay for my employees which come out of the 150k and also I support my family. I have a mortgage I pay for so my family can live in the house. And then also I pay for half the apartment we live in and then groceries, and eating out with my partner. And 150k is definitely a lot elsewhere but in New York, I don’t even think that is middle class.
It makes me so mad as I am working in my room 9am to 2am every day and he is just in the apartment living room sleeping on the couch. I am livid.
This has put a significant strain on the relationship because one of the reasons I wanted to date a person was to lighten the financial burden (not entirely but just evenly) and he was actually doing decent at that when we met but got laid off. I have been trying to urge him to find jobs not within his field as vocal teacher or acting jobs are not as easy to obtain but he tells me that if he works too much he is going to have very little time to pursue his dreams as an actor and audition. However, he hasn’t gotten an audition in months. I have told him so many times how the money situation burdens me but when it comes to buying things he loves to just ask for my card for even going down to the supermarket and getting a soda.
Recently I was trying to buy a house as a rental property in hopes to up my income a bit and I was rejected by my loan officer because the apartment we are living in is fully in my name, so the bank said I have too much liability and the apartment was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am extremely furious.
Me struggling I never buy anything for myself and I guess it also does make me angry when the money is going towards him when I haven’t even gotten a chance to enjoy it.
My partner tells me that I work too much and that I need to make more time for both of us. And then my family is also urging I give more money to them and take them out for dinner. For thanksgiving, my family went out to dinner and I had to pay 250 dollars for dinner and I didn’t even order or liked any of the food. And my family is being extremely cheap lately and asking me to pay for everything.
My partner will also say things like “we should take a trip” or “please come down to Florida to see my family for thanksgiving” and all I can respond to that is “I don’t have the money, are you going to pay for it?” He grew up in a wealthy-ish family (upper-class living but they’re not in NY so it’s not upper class income in NY), but also his ex was a literal billionaire, so he has never had to worry about money as his needs were always covered until he met me. His parents have asked him to not rely on them financially anymore and urged him to get a job. But at the same time advised him to not get a job unrelated to his college major. (acting and singing). I want to ask him to get a job outside of his field that pays more, but I don’t know how to say this nicely and I want to convey just how much stress it would take off of me because even after begging him to get a job he seems to still only want to apply to related fields and at this point even if he worked at McDonalds, it would be more helpful for me. Am I the jerk here for not wanting to pay for everything?
My therapist told me to reframe my thoughts and ask if he is providing elsewhere, i.e. emotionally, physically, etc… and to all of those a big yes. And then says that then the financial stuff shouldn’t be trouble but it’s something I keep going back to.
TLDR: I want to ask my partner to get a better job much nicely as it would help unload the financial burden from me.
8 comments
Your BF sounds like a freeloader.. He should be paying half of the bills, not expecting you to be his sugar daddy.
Lay out that you’re struggling to everyone and put yourself first. If you have to cut off some money and give less do it, it’s your money. You clearly need help and you clearly don’t have it all together.
I mean your boyfriend is an actor so if his work is not as demanding you can’t blame him for that . You can suggest him getting another job to help in his field. Because I think your taking out your stress on him and getting mad when you know what job he’s had especially since you like everything else about him.
But the main thing I suggest is COMMUNICATING that you’re struggling plain and flatly, and cut out extra expenses, maybe even treat yourself to something small as a reward for the work you’ve been putting in to everyone’s life. They need to understand that you’re human too
So your boyfriend first had his family financially support him, then a billionaire boyfriend, and now you do.
When exactly is he going to be an adult and financially support himself for once?
🚩🚩🚩🚩
CAN HE GET a second job?
It sounds like you two might not be compatible because this doesn’t sound like it’s very sustainable at all.
2 paragraphs was all I needed to read. Drop him quick. He’s not contributing anything to your relationship that you can’t find in someone else who is financially stable.
I’m in the queer community and by now chance I will be with anyone who doesn’t share the responsibility of life with me. Sad to say but you seem very stressed out based on what you wrote and I feel like you’re going into debt sooner than you think if people around you don’t realize they can’t just use your credit card on anything they want! It’s better be happily single than miserably stuck with someone.