I’m seeing a guy (we are both in our 30s) for more than 3 months. It feels more and more that I am the one who is moving the relationship forward and he just happily go with the flow. Even though I really do think he is into me and wants a relationship with me, I am not seeing a whole lot from him, aside from him wanting to see me regularly and we do communicate on a day to day basis. He has planned nice things for me before but really not that frequent (for example dinner for my birthday and gave me some thoughtful gift which I really appreciate and I have given him gifts in return). Not sure if it’s the fact that he is inexperienced in relationships (he only had one ex gf for a very short amount of time) but it’s starting to make me feel insecure and I start to question his feelings for me.
So far, I have been the person who asked for us to be exclusive, to delete the apps, to go on a short trip together, to communicate more on a daily basis, I introduced him to my friends, and right now, I highly suspect I would have to be the person who asks for us to be bf and gf. I don’t even know if he has even mentioned me to his friends. Every time I ask for something, he will be very happy to go along, no questions asked.
I know if I have expectation I should ask, but it really feels like I am doing everything to make progress and it is making me question things. I start to question if this is the man I want. Am I ok with having to ask for everything going forward, be it small things like celebrating Valentine’s Days together, or bigger things like meeting families. So far, he hasn’t really proposed anything at all, even when we go out on a date, he doesn’t like to plan it in advance.
I have joked to him before that I have to ask for a lot of things. He hasn’t really commented on that. I don’t know if I need to think about if this is the man I want. We are so good together otherwise but I am seeing myself putting effort in but not enough from him. Or am I imagining things / asking for too much?
16 comments
Some guys are insecure and don’t feel comfortable asking for relationship-y things. The masculine stereotype is to be cold and aloof about relationship things, and some guys feel more comfortable playing into that.
Some people in general aren’t planning types. They live in the moment and don’t have plans further out than a few days or weeks or months. They get uncomfortable having their futures constrained and prefer to leave options open.
I would try to get him to open up about what he’s thinking / feeling. I wouldn’t break up with someone who was passively reciprocating all the time (that’s kinda nice in a lot of ways), but I would absolutely break up with someone who isn’t good at communicating and convincing me that they have a plan and I’m part of that plan.
Have you actually tried to have a conversation with him about this? Or are you on the verge of building up resentment over behavior you haven’t actually told him bothers you?
In either case, some people are like this, others are not. If you actually like him, having a conversation will give you more/better data to respond to. But as you mentioned, the big question is whether or not you’re okay with being in this type of relationship. Some people, some women, don’t mind or even like — or are plainly just willing to settle for — partners who “go with the flow” and have to be instructed through every part of a relationship. In my opinion, this kind of behavior often bleeds from relationship maintenance (and general emotional labor) to all around life maintenance, division of labor, etc.
Have the conversation with him — but this is probably just how he is. Personally, I’m not interested in having to urge someone to behave in a way that’s so out of their character in terms of relationship dynamics. So “having a conversation” and him being willing to “change” or “improve” is not of interest to me — because he’d be trying to become something he’s not for someone else. Simply said, I’m interested in men who are self-motivated and invested in a certain level of relationship maintenance and emotional labor.
Have an honest conversation and tell him this. He can’t read your mind. And stop being the one to make all the effort. Give some effort, and match his. See what kind of person he is and if it’s someone you actually want to be with.
Have you discussed this with him *directly*? Joking about this likely allowed your point to go over his head. People don’t usually have all the same needs in relationships. Sometimes we have to really spell things out for our partners.
Also, I think you should point blank ask him how he feels about the relationship. You seem like you’re feeling insecure about his feelings and maybe questioning if his feelings about you are as strong as your feelings about him. Share this with him.
Hey there! It sounds like you’re doing the relationship cha-cha all by yourself. It’s not about asking for too much; it’s about finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Maybe he’s a slow dancer in the relationship tango.
I had this type of guy I met on Flure, he was incredibly laid-back but also incredibly sweet. He’d agree with all my suggestions but wouldn’t come up with much himself. He took me on a second date, a picnic in the woods, which was really cool and unusual. We discussed the situation because I felt like he wasn’t particularly interested or engaged, but turns out, he’s just that way naturally.
Express your feelings, not as an accusation, but as your truth. Share that you’d love to feel more of his initiative and involvement. See how he responds. If he’s genuinely into you, he’ll step up. If not, well, better to know now.
> I have joked to him before that I have to ask for a lot of things. He hasn’t really commented on that.
What does “joked to him before” mean?
Perhaps he hasn’t commented or done much about this because he interpreted the way you brought the topic up as something that doesn’t need his action? Some people don’t do subtlety well, that doesn’t make them bad and it doesn’t mean they are **trying** to not hear you, it just means they communicate differently.
If you intentionally and directly state to him what you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship, *maybe* he picks up on the requests and takes some more initiative in the relationship.
If you’re feeling this 3 months in and it’s still fresh, how is it going to be 3 years later, 30 years later? Don’t settle if it doesn’t feel that it clicks, or at least communicate that you feel this way as he maybe holding back a little avoidant, from experience as you say?
I think you need to sit down and have the adult talk. Another commenter posted about having this conversation with him directly and I agree. End of the day we’re not mind readers and all this energy you’re spending trying to figure out if you’re committed or not when you can ask and hope that he’s giving you an honest answer.
Also not everyone shows their affection my planning and being the alpha on everything. My SO was the one to ask about all the firsts but when it comes to trip planning it’s all me. Based on your logic we would be… tied? But relationships can’t be eye for an eye.
Could it be that he doesn’t ask for it because for him it’s obvious?
Like he didn’t ask you to stop using the app because he already did and assumed you did too? Same for being exclusive or bf/gf?
It’s possible if he doesn’t have much experience with relationships.
I can understand it annoys you to always have to be the one to push things forward but I wouldn’t worry about his feelings if he happily agree to everything you ask.
I feel like this is the perfect example of when to use those “feminine energy” dating strategies. I don’t feel that FE dating is the end all be all for everything, but it does help me realign when I feel like I’m doing too much. Lean back a little. Refocus on yourself, buy yourself flowers and make some plans for yourself. Instead of planning dates and ways to win him over, pick up that book you’ve been wanting to read, sign up for a class. Date yourself. It could surprise you what happens.
It’s honestly helped me with other relationships in my life too like friendships and some family relationships. Leaning back has helped me see that some people in my life are willing to invest in me only if I do all the work. I’m not interested in those kinds of friendships anymore. A couple of my silbings are like that and though I still love them dearly and enjoy the time we do see each other, I’ve adjusted my expectations of them and also my effort, which has greatly reduced my frustration and resentment. For friends, if they stop putting in any effort, I let the friendship fade, no hard feelings.
I conserve my energy for myself and my passions, and the people who are willing to invest energy into me and reciprocate. It’s been a learning process but a much needed one.
Lean back a little and see how it feels to receive and to redirect that energy into yourself instead of a romantic partner and you will learn a lot!
Sometimes the other person just isn’t aware and isn’t really tuned into who asks out who or who plans the date. Sometimes they’re caught up in their own work, life, etc. and on auto-pilot. I notice though, at least for me, that when I lean back the people who really care about me/see me as an important to them will reach out and those who don’t won’t. And it’s okay because my focus for my 40s is to make room for those who are making room for me, not trying to chase people down.
I can’t take this sub anymore. Everyone overthinks everything.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like this anymore because I can’t stand being the « mother » figure in a relationship (not to say that’s what this would be, but that’s been my experience in the past.) I have NO interest in being the only one doing emotional labor and actively screen for these « red flags » (for me!) while dating.
it sounds like you should reassess what you are willing and capable of, and speak to him about what he is willing and capable of, and go from there.
It doesn’t seem like he has the energy you are looking for, and it is unlikely that will change if you can be happy with what you are experiencing now, this might be a good relationship for you. But more likely, this is a preview of what you can expect in the future. So if you don’t like how you are feeling now, I’d keep looking for someone who matches your energy from the beginning.
I dated a guy just like this! It left me feeling frustrated that I was the only one reaching out and planning dates. I communicated my needs but it was never really reciprocated. He would initiate for a few weeks and then it was back to the same old story of me feeling like I am planning everything. He even told me that he liked that I am in charge and that he didn’t want to “bother” me by making the moves and asking me out or even calling me. But we were in a relationship. In the end, we broke up and I realized that we just wanted completely opposite things. I wanted a committed relationship and he was ok with casual. He just never told me straight cause he didn’t want to lose me.
I hope that this is not the case with you and that he is just inexperienced and doesn’t fully understand your needs. I sometimes waited to talk to him when “the time was right” so I didn’t cause him too much conflict or upset him but then I thought better and realized I should put my needs first instead of always trying to placate him and make him happy. Like what about me??
Good luck to you and hope you can get the clarity you deserve from him and your relationship.
If at any point you think you are putting more efforts it’s means you are . Hence stopping putting efforts and see what he does for you . If he isn’t behaving expected it means what you think is true and this is a one way relationship. Had met a guy like this , tried for 1.5 years and nothing worked. He never realized what I did for him was so much more. So keep checking if he is worth to put effort on
Most relationships have one person who is more “in charge” of progressing the relationship.
Sometimes that flips after marriage. I know a lot of dudes who pursued their wives hard, and then after marriage the women were planning all the dates and bonding time.
I rarely see the opposite, though, where the man is passive and then takes over after marriage.
I’m a woman and even though I can have a take charge attitude I limit this to work and hobbies. I do not lead in relationships. I do NOT pursue men anymore. Their energy always goes downhill for me, so I lean way back and only date the ones that come in hot.
He’s unlikely to step up and lead, but you can give him one last shot and say, “Hey, I’ve decided I don’t want to lead this relationship anymore, so I’m gonna take a step back and ball’s in your court from here on out.” Then back up your words with action. Lean way, way back. Don’t call, text, plan dates, have serious talks. Only respond and match his energy. He might surprise you. More likely it will fizzle. Sorry. It sucks when you really like a man but he won’t lead. But the frustration you feel now will be 99999999x worse down the road if you continue leading and resenting him for it.