Wedding is in 3 weeks. To make a long story short his dad has been trying to destroy our marriage from the very beginning and has left no stone unturned trying to do so. It has been hell, absolute hell for me, my family and my fiancé because of this person. He is a clinical narcissist, abusive, liar, crazy manipulative, probably mentally ill, and truly a bad man. Not a single positive trait. He bribes clergymen to lie to my fiancé to make up fake scripture to support his sick desires of splitting us up. His family all agrees with my assessment and he makes their lives absolutely miserable. He’s against our marriage due to his obsession with control and continuously tries to split us up but it didn’t work.
The issue is here. My fiancé is very very toxically trauma bonded to this man. He used to look up to him as a role model, always says he’d take bullets for him, panders to his every manipulative need. This was the first time in life my fiancé did something against his dad’s will so it’s the first time he sees things get this bad. The problem is he won’t set a single boundary. He allows the man to berate him for hours and hours on the phone even though they’re in different countries. It’s been two years of this. He constantly hears himself get called a traitor, a bad son, a pathetic doormat, so so so many things that are not true. His dad threatens suicide constantly. Sends him pictures of himself with scissors at his throat and says this will be your fault. Says he’s going to die early and it’ll be my fiancé’s fault. And when me and the rest of his family say he needs to put some distance between him and his dad, he just says no, that’s my dad. Fiancé takes all of this to heart terribly even though everyone tells him none of it is true and that he’s done nothing wrong.
I do not recognize my fiancé anymore. He used to be strong and confident and happy. He is now miserable, USES DRUGS, lies to me, barely functions as a human, his only objective is pleasing his dad which all of us know is impossible because the man is mentally ill and doesn’t respond to any kind of reason. We have all tried. I brought this to his attention and said you’re destroying our marriage before we even move in together. Ok, but that’s my dad. And refuses to do anything about it. We are not happy anymore. Everything revolves around this psychopath.
I don’t know how much more I can take. I can be supportive but not when he’s allowing this to happen. I told him I don’t recognize you anymore and am terrified to have our wedding and move in with you because you refuse to set a very reasonable boundary and protect yourself and your marriage. He says well my dad isn’t berating you so it’s fine. I’m like, do you really not see how messed up our marriage is because of how much you allow him to berate YOU? (He has also berated me in the past but I stayed quiet out of respect for my fiancé)
It’s like talking to a wall. He refuses therapy. His mom and siblings all see this for what it is and encourage him to put some distance. We get the same it’s my dad in response.
What do I do. I feel guilty to leave him after all this but these are terrifying signs. I cannot help him if he won’t help himself which is what’s happening now. We are currently not speaking because I said either you change something or I’m out and he remained silent. All advice welcome
TLDR: fiancé won’t set boundaries with psychopathic trauma bonded father and it’s destroying us, do I leave three weeks before the wedding?
36 comments
Do NOT marry this man.
Call off the wedding and block him everywhere.
NTA. You cannot marry this man, he’s not safe. He’s so intwined with his massively abusive dad that he can’t escape. But you can, and you have to. At the moment evil dad lives in another country, but what if he asks your fiance to come and stay with you? F won’t refuse, and the abuser will be in your home.
You know what you have to do OP, and his family, and hopefully your family will support you. Get out. Get out now.
delay the wedding At the minimum.
is your fiance willing to cut FIL off? If your fiancé is willing to stop talking to FIL, it may be possible to get through to them. If they are not, you have a problem.
try /r/justnofil
You’ve tried. At least call off the wedding. But if he doesn’t help himself, you need to prioritize you. If that means leaving, do so. He sees you won’t leave and is having his heart ripped out and is trapped in it. If you get married, he might never be the man you met again.
How much do you want to bet that if you marry this man, and you have children with him, he’s going to turn into a psychotic asshole just like his father?
Someone once said to me, before you get married, freeze the frame on how things are exactly now – think about the person you are about to marry and their behaviour right now – if this is how your future husband would be forever, would you still marry him? If the answer is no, then you need to think about if you are to marrying him in hopes that he will one day change and start acting differently, or are you marrying him for exactly who he is in this moment and you’d be okay with him not changing? Think about if you are ready to make a lifelong commitment to someone who might not ever change how they are right now or how they are with their father . I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Girl, if he will not set boundaries *now*, what on earth makes you think it will get better when you are *married*?!
You *need* to get away from this man and go directly to therapy to heal from this. You *cannot* stay with this man.
Is he getting money from his dad to buy drugs? If yes, probably that is the reason why he is keeping contact. For your own peace of mind, don’t marry this guy.
I copy/pasted the previous comment because i feel the same way with nothing new or magical to add:
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Do NOT marry this man.
Call off the wedding and block him everywhere.
You need to call this wedding off now or you will have a life of regret!
It sounds like this toxicity is no longer father-son. It’s at least father-son-you. Stop the wedding. Set your own boundaries and stick to them. This won’t magically get better. Your fiance is very clear letting you know he won’t change the dynamic and he expects you to just go along. Meanwhile he’s self medicating and passing the gross behavior onto you now.
You’ve already made your decision.
Your fiancée has become mentally ill by association, and the toxic dynamic has affected his mental health.
Please leave. This is a snapshot of what will happen to you. You can’t be responsible for this shitfire of a family and your fiancée has been psychologically battered into submission by his father.
Can you even imagine bringing children into this environment and what might happen to them? Leave. Save yourself.
Every time I watch relationship shows and someone starts talking about how important the opinions are of their parents and you have to get their approval I just turn it off.
Run
This is not your fiance, this is the father’s zombie slave and you will be the next victim if you don’t get out NOW.
Jest
Feeling guilty for leaving is better than the absolute hell you will be drawn into if you marry this man. Your fiance is in a sick codependent relationship with his dad and you won’t be able to fix that. Right now your fiance wants this dysfunctional relationship with his dad more than he wants a healthy one with you.
You already know: he is not ready for marriage. You cannot be his rescuer. Rescuers get used and then discarded.
> do I leave three weeks before the wedding?
Yes.
Cancel the wedding at a minimum. Take some time to yourself, perhaps speak with a therapist…
>He is now miserable, USES DRUGS, lies to me, barely functions as a human, his only objective is pleasing his dad which all of us know is impossible because the man is mentally ill and doesn’t respond to any kind of reason.
Your fiancé wants to be a favoured and loved son, more than he wants to be a husband.
This is not sustainable.
Let the father ‘win’.
Women – you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It’s not your job to fix him, change him, parent or raise him.
You want a partner, not a project.
—Julia Roberts.
Call off the wedding. Warn your fiance, you won’t marry him unless he cuts contact and stays that was for one year.
Do not marry this person.
Well before anything happens, someone needs to put the psychopath in his place and tell him how horrible he is to his family and especially his son and how his son is miserable because of HIM and tell him how he’s a horrible father and person overall. Tell him he needs to fucking grow a pair and actually be a good dad and better person instead of being a complete asshole that no one wants to be around.
Then I’d seriously talk to your fiance about all that you’re saying here, and how you’re really second-guessing marrying him, and tell him that he has to give you a better response than “it’s my dad” because how can you can that person a dad? Tell him how it’s destroying your relationship and how his dad has berated you before.
I’d also suggest a vacation (not honeymoon) of just the 2 of you, no technology, and especially somewhere that psychopath can’t reach you.
But if he still refuses after all of that.
Then you should definitely leave, for yourself, cuz it’s not good for you to have to deal with that constantly in a relationship. That will never be happy marriage not unless your s/o decides to do something about it.
And if you do leave, leave him saying something that could be imprinted on his heart that just might make him set boundaries against his psychotic sperm donor.
run away or in your future I see a man holding scissors to his throat every time he doesn’t get his way
Every couple should do premarital counseling. But you two need to cancel or postpone the wedding, because getting married when there are huge unresolved issues is not going to work.
I would have one more conversation with him and answer his “that’s my dad” responses with facts about the future. You’re supposed to be “his wife”, how is he going to handle children in the future. If he’s going to be a doormat and say “that’s my dad” when he is going to have enough guts to say “That’s my wife” or “That’s my child”.
With what you’ve said, including him resorting to drug use, it sounds like this has gone as far as it can go. and this is your last off-ramp before he drags you down with him. You can be honest with him that you love him, but that if he’s not willing to listen to you, his other family members or even get objective 3rd party opinions in therapy, then he has made his choice and he will have to deal with those consequences including you leaving him.
You’re on track for a significantly better and happier life without this man though. He doesn’t even have the backbone to stand up for you, let alone himself.
Do not marry this man
DO NOT STAY. DON’T STAY. You have no proof that your fiancé won’t turn into his father if you have children, and the fact you are no longer happy is the biggest deal.
>He is now miserable, USES DRUGS, lies to me, barely functions as a human, his only objective is pleasing his dad which all of us know is impossible because the man is mentally ill and doesn’t respond to any kind of reason
This is not healthy and this will be your reality if you marry. Be free from these men.
>We get the same it’s my dad in response.
So. fucking. what?
Your bf need to understand that it literally does not matter if this dude is his father. Family or not if people behave badly they should suffer consequenses. Ask your bf: what does your father bring to your life that is positive? Let that sink and and see if he can see the light.
If not you can tell him you’re breaking everything off because of his father and see if that shakes anything loose in his brain. If not you’re gonna need to leave.
He refuses to get help? Marriage will not give your fiance a backbone, nor will it solve his drug problems. Get out now. It will be much more complicated to break up after you marry, own property together, and have kids.
>He says well my dad isn’t berating you so it’s fine.
Omniscient narrator voice: **It was not fine**.
Please don’t marry this man until you resolve these issues. It sounds horrible and unless your boyfriend is willing to try it will keep getting worse. If if he is willing to try, it will be very hard. Trying isn’t enough. He must actually make serous progress.
Consider how long you are willing to keep trying. It’s fair for you to leave. I’m sorry.
Do not marry a man in active addiction. Period. And especially considering he won’t get therapy for his toxic relationship with his dad. This is scary.
No, you should not marry anyone while they’re actively using drugs.
Leave or this will be your life decades. You can’t fix this.
I just read your post, and honestly I can’t believe you’re even CONSIDERING marrying your fiance. He’s in no condition for any sort of relationship right now. He badly needs therapy, and he badly needs to get his father out of his life once and for all. It’s tragic that your father in law was able to tear your relationship apart, but that’s clearly what he’s done.
You can love him from afar
Let’s cut to the chase. You’re in a situation that’s not just tough, it’s potentially destructive. Your fiancé’s inability to set boundaries with his father, a man you’ve described as manipulative and abusive, is not only damaging your relationship but also his own well-being. And now, you’re at a crossroads, three weeks away from your wedding.
First off, let’s be clear: the behavior of your fiancé’s father is toxic and unacceptable. No one should have to endure that kind of treatment, especially not from a family member. But here’s where it gets tricky: your fiancé, despite the pain and manipulation he’s enduring, isn’t willing to set boundaries. That’s a major problem.
Trauma bonding is real and powerful. It can keep people tied to their abusers in ways that are hard to break. Your fiancé’s refusal to set boundaries or seek therapy is a sign that he’s deeply entangled in this unhealthy relationship. The fact that he’s now using drugs, lying, and has undergone a complete personality change is alarming. It’s clear that his father’s influence is not just toxic but destructive.
Now, about your role in all of this. You’re in a relationship where your partner is being emotionally manipulated and abused, and it’s affecting you directly. You’ve tried to communicate your concerns, but you’re hitting a wall. He’s not listening, and worse, he’s not acknowledging the impact his father’s behavior is having on both of you. This isn’t just about him anymore; it’s about you, your future, and your well-being.
You mentioned feeling guilty about leaving, but let’s set the record straight: you are not responsible for fixing your fiancé. You can be supportive, but you can’t be his therapist or his savior. If he’s refusing to acknowledge the problem and seek help, you’re in a no-win situation. Staying in a relationship hoping someone will change when they’ve shown no willingness to do so is a recipe for heartache.
Three weeks before a wedding is crunch time, and it’s better to make a hard decision now than to enter into a marriage that’s already on shaky ground. If he’s not willing to take steps to address this issue, you need to seriously consider whether this is the life you want.
It’s tough, it’s heartbreaking, but you’ve got to think about your own mental and emotional health. Marriage is a partnership, and right now, you’re in a partnership where your needs, feelings, and well-being are being sidelined.
You deserve a partner who respects you, listens to you, and is willing to work together to solve problems. If he can’t be that partner, then you need to think about what’s best for you. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones that lead us to where we need to be. Remember, you deserve to be happy, respected, and in a healthy relationship. Don’t settle for less.
Anyone telling you that these issues with your fiancé and his father can be fixed or discussed after the wedding is selling you a fantasy. The truth is, if it’s not fixed now, it’s only going to get harder and more complicated after you’re legally bound to each other. Marriage isn’t a magic solution to pre-existing problems; in fact, it often amplifies them. And when it comes to legal and financial entanglements, it can become a whole lot messier.
You need to light a fire under your fiancé’s ass right now, not later. Give him a choice, or rather, make one for yourself. Continuing to take abuse over and over again isn’t just sad; it’s destructive. It erodes self-esteem, mental health, and the very foundation of your relationship. But standing up for yourself? Now, that’s not just important; it’s downright sexy. It’s about confidence, self-respect, and knowing your worth.
Tell him straight up: This situation with your father is destroying us. It’s not just about setting boundaries; it’s about protecting our future together. If you can’t or won’t make changes now, I have to consider my own well-being and future. It’s a tough stance, but it’s necessary.
Sometimes, ultimatums are the wake-up call people need. It’s not manipulative; it’s making it clear what you need in a relationship. If he’s committed to you and your future together, he’ll take this seriously. If not, then you have your answer.
You’re at a crossroads where you need to decide whether to proceed with someone who’s not protecting your relationship from toxic external influences. Remember, you’re not just planning a wedding; you’re planning a life. And that life should be built on mutual respect, support, and a willingness to tackle tough issues head-on.
Stand your ground. Be strong. And know that in taking this stand, you’re not just fighting for your relationship; you’re fighting for yourself. That’s not just the right thing to do; it’s the only thing to do.
Do not marry this man.
The resentment and lack of respect will kill anything you feel for him and push you into actively hating him.
He won’t get help.
You aren’t a priority.
He will watch you wither and die of this abuse rather than stop it.
You can’t save him, He doesn’t want to be saved.