Basically the garage is like hoarder level with a mouse problem and I just walked past and noticed my shoes were on a pile. Apparently I had left them in the car after a trip (the car is always completely full of stuff). I was annoyed because I don’t know how long they’ve been there and he also has a habit of practically burying my stuff and I never see it again so I brought them in and went into the kitchen and said it made me uncomfortable that he just tossed them there because of the mice etc. (with the intention of like, hey next time please don’t do that). Back in the day, I never expressed any emotions ever (and was never really aware of what emotions I was feeling anyway) but I just would have sucked it up.
Maybe should have because he tossed the dishwasher rack he was looking at, like physically chucked it, and started stomping around with really heavy steps cursing etc that he should have just tossed my shoes in the trash or burned them or burned this whole place down. (Yes I realize that’s a bit more than passive aggressive). And then he left. There’s never been anything physical ever but there has always been throwing and kicking objects and things mysteriously ending up broken.
So later I noticed my shoe sole-down on my freshly washed underwear. Part of me wants to confront him because I don’t want to be a person that ignores things anymore. The other part doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. But I feel like if I don’t, lIl have resentment and won’t be able tr just pretend everything is okay. He’s already V pretending lik nothing happened. So is passive aggressive stuff better left ignored or should I bring it up with him?
TL;DR: My dad put my dirty shoe in my underwear to get back at me and I don’t know if that’s something I should just ignore or bring up with him.
Edit: I forgot to add this because I had to repost because I had forgotten the TLDR but basically after some concussions, I’m kinda temporarily disabled and I can’t drive for the moment. So that’s why I’m in my twenties at home 😅😅
11 comments
Oof. I wish I had a good solution for you as my dad does similar things when confronted. Like it should be ok for you to say something simple like this, and the passive aggressive behavior isn’t ok.
Personally, I usually base my response on if I have the energy to deal with the ongoing passive aggressive behavior and emotional outbursts. And also if it’s worth the energy to assert my needs. I recognize this is not particularly healthy, but I also cannot move out so 🤷
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this
Yeah that’s abusive behavior. Are you living with him? Because I would recommend getting the fuck out of there and limiting contact. He doesn’t deserve you in his life
This is unacceptable. A personal anecdote, but I found that confronting my parents with a direct and factual statement or question about their behaviour was the only thing that gor them to back off, even temporarily. As if embarassing them was the only way to curb their ridiculous behavior.
“Do you realize you put a dirty shoe on my clean laundry? Yes? I’m confused. Why are you acting like a child? Aren’t you embarrassed to be acting this way as an adult?”
“Hey, I noticed you did ____. I am a bit concerned for you. Are you okay? That’s weird behavior and I just wanted to check if you are feeling well.”
“Imagine how you would have reacted if I did something this petty as a child. Weird how even you, a 60 year old man, couldn’t grow out of this behaviour.”
You have to say these things with little to zero emotion. His behaviour is normalized and your reaction to it is normalized, so responding as though these things are concerning or out of ordinary usually throws them off.
However, I’d just encourage you to go no contact. Haven’t talked to my abusive parents in five years and my life has never been better lol.
I think you should reconsider your living arrangements.
Direct your energy at leaving this abusive living situation.
In cases like this, I find it best not to confront but to acknowledge, if the opportunity presents, that we’re both perfectly aware of what they are doing. They aren’t fooling anyone or getting away with anything. Don’t complain or make demands/expectations. Just “Yes. I saw your choice.” Or even “Yes. I know you could make better choices… ah well.” And let them storm and tantrum. They either want to abuse the benefit of the doubt, or get a rise. Give them neither.
But your priority. Needs to be exiting this situation. It’s not safe.
So, You are living at your dads place at age 27? And leaving your shit in his car? OK, think I found the problem..
I’m sorry your parent is struggling with their emotions and took them out on you instead.
You don’t deserve aggression or unkindness in any form.
When I experienced something like this, I looked forward to the day I could leave. I secretly planned for it, made it my entire focus.
Your safety and peace are important.
I hope you are able to get into a more peaceful place soon, friend
If you know he’s passive aggressive, maybe don’t ask & take care of your own items.
In his eyes, your behavior can also be seen as passive aggressive. He moved the shoes on your behalf, but got told what to do. No one likes that. So he retaliated by placing it where it would piss you off most.
Direct communication only works when everyone’s on board, sadly.
Maybe he was just trying to be funny, and missed the mark? Because, I’ll admit, I DID giggle a little.
We can’t stop our parents from unreasonable behavior sometimes; they generally know when its wrong and sometimes are trying to vent.
But this is a relatively high level of breaching your personal space + belongings, so its a little more worrisome.
I love my parents, but I hate living with them, and the lifestyles of someone in their late 20s is very different from someone in his early 60s. Even more so if you are female and he’s male.
Does anyone else live in the house besides you two? And do you feel like the two of you both have enough space in your current location?
I would look into alternative living arrangements, it sounds uncomfortable as is.
There is an amazing TikTok account about parents who behave like this, and it rang so true for me that it totally changed my perspective on my relationship with my mom, who reacts much like your dad when a polite request is interpreted as a caustic slight on the very core of their being. I’ll find it and post it here for you if you’re interested.
Your dad is abusive. Hard stop. You are allowed to set boundaries, OP.