He asked me for an open marriage, and I said no, that I couldn’t emotionally handle him being with someone else while married to me. We have been married 6 years and have two beautiful girls. But even though I said no to the open marriage almost immediately after our conversation he started being on his phone more, smiling while texting, having to step outside or get in his car to talk to someone. He also started not coming straight home after work and not answering my calls when I would call to find out where he was. I confronted him about it and he said he had a new friend, and I asked if this new friend was a woman. He got instantly mad and said that didn’t matter and to stop trying to control him and to stop trying to tighten his leash. I said I wasn’t trying to be controlling, I was only asking so we could be honest with each other and he just yelled more about how disrespectful I was being.
Now he started going out all night, eating out at restaurants spending double or more on what a single person would spend out. He also pulls out hundreds of dollars out of our account at a time and yet never has any money. He has only spent maybe 10 hours with the girls and I this past month. Today while putting clothes away I found a photo booth picture strip of the two of them. Yes he was with a girl and kissing her in the pictures.
I know my marriage is over but I honestly don’t know what to do. Should I confront him telling him I know that it isn’t just a friendship, should I expose him to all our friends and family or should I just surprise him with divorce papers?
He has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years, and now has given me physical harm threats. I’m slightly afraid of what will happen when he gets the divorce papers. As he comes home and tries to snuggle with me and continues to tell me he loves and cares for me…
47 comments
Take the kids with you when he is out next, let friends/family who are close know what you are doing, if you are afraid let someone else serve the divorce papers and/or stay elsewhere at family/friends for a short while. As you have already mentioned you need to get out and honestly as soon as possible
The gaslighting and the cheating are STRONG with this one.
Leave.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is verbally abusive.
He is threatening physical assault.
He is a cheater.
He has no respect for your marriage.
He has no respect for you.
Why bother confronting him. No point to it and his reaction already indicates that he will escalate if you say anything to him. Get yourself physically away from him and in a safe location and then tell him you want a divorce. Once you are away from him feel free to expose his turd-like soul to everyone
Let it lay for now… Then after the smoke clears gather and retain all evidence and go talk to an attorney about your options. Your marriage is over.
You have a soon to be ex husband
Whatever will give you what you need in the safest manner possible
Get an attorney first and discuss what your next steps should be. Get your ducks in a row before you let on that you know.
Start siphoning money into an account he does not know about and to which he has no access. Contact a family/divorce lawyer asap. Discuss with them the best plan moving forward for custody, financial support, asset division, and personal safety. Find someone you trust with your literal life. Develop a plan for you relocating at a moment’s notice if your safety is in danger. Move all paperwork like birth certificates, social security cards, passports, insurance forms, titles, deeds, etc to a secure place outside the house.
He wanted you to find that photo ..
Keep it and give it to your lawyer and get you and your girls to a safe location and have zero contact
~Edit
Obviously I’d hope OP will go directly to a lawyer first. I do not know what state or country OP lives in. But I will say if OP or anyone is in direct danger, you are within your rights as a parent to keep your children safe.
You must get an attorney NOW
Pull half the funds from accounts
Take care of yourself first! Eat, drink water and get a little exercise. This shit will hurt you. Don’t end up in a hospital.
Love your kids and they will return that love you need.
Talk to trusted friends and family they will want to help
((Hugs))
One word advice: Lawyer
Leave. He asked, you answered and he disregarded your answer. He shows no respect towards you or your marriage.
Ex-husband.
Since there’s a history of abusive behavior, you need to proceed under the assumption that he’ll get violent when he realizes you’re leaving. Plan your exit in secret, smuggle small important things like documents and photo albums to a safe place, and move out while he’s not there. The most dangerous time for an abuse survivor is when they try to leave, so please be careful.
Get yourself a consultation with the toughest lawyer you can afford. Make all the arrangements and provide all the financial documents and don’t breathe a word of it to him. Wait till the lawyer tells you what to do—to change the locks and serve the papers. Stay in the house for the sake of the kids. Put his things in storage while he is at work one day.
If it were me…I would silently get my ducks in a row and pretend nothing is wrong at all…and then leave without saying a word.
You don’t have a husband. Break up
Old school here. I don’t understand someone telling his wife that he wants a girlfriend. It is horrible.
keep those photos to show an attorney
Contact a lawyer about a lawyer and let everyone important know the truth so you have some kind of support system.
Updateme!
Take it very seriously that you are unsafe and need to leave NOW. Treat it as an emergency. This has Dateline case written all over it.
Serve him. Surprise. Don’t tell him a thing.
Don’t let him cry his way out of it, he asked for open marriage because he qas already fucking her.
have friends help you pack up while he is at work and then once leave, send the picture and explanation to everyone …
Then the same to him as you are leaving.
” You wanted an open marriage. Congratulations, you now have a permanent one as I am done with you and filing for divorce. You wanted to be with this woman so bad, I am letting you.. I will be gone by the time you get home, don’t look for me, and sign the papers, my ( friend or family) member will be in touch regardingthe girls.”
And block
I mean he’s just straight up cheating on you, and not even hiding it. Speak to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and serve him papers. You & your children deserve so so much more than this POS.
OP, I’m late to this, but…
– Go talk to a good divorce lawyer straight away, before you do anything. Find out what you need to divorce and to get the tough details sorted: custody, parental rights, housing, belongings, etc. Get your ducks in a row first, and then:
– Compile a “burn book”. Document *everything*. Every last text, conversation, every penny he has spent on dates and dinners and her, document the time you spent at home being a sole parent to your girls, keep a copy of the photos you found, the lies he’s told you, document the variety of abuses and violations of trust – and get a copy to your lawyer. They love to help with this stuff and it *will* help when it comes to figuring out details like whether he should be trusted with any custody rights or whether he needs supervised visitations, etc.
– prepare for being able to respond appropriately to any flying monkeys he tries to send your way. With his history of lying and manipulating, he will pull this on others and they will want you to be kind to him or could try to blame you. Burn books and proof of his part in this is excellent for fighting back these types.
– get into therapy for yourself if you begin to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay that you may feel this way. You’ve been lied to and gaslit. Your trust has been broken. You’re allowed to be angry and sad and hurt. A therapist can help you, should it all feel heavy.
– and don’t forget: he’s cheating. Get to a doctor, run a full course of STD/STI tests, and make sure you’re healthy.
– once your ducks are sorted – legally, you can determine whether or not to leave or to change the locks. Do not tolerate any level of abuse from him any more. Call police. Call family for protection, and as back up. Set up your phone to record and to use voice command for emergencies. Keep you and the kids safe. If you fear retaliation, you can usually legally and safely leave without telling him (just call the police, inform them that you are safe but are in hiding due to his abuses and violence). Again, a lawyer can inform you further of what it is you can legally do.
– finally: does his affair partner know she’s an affair partner? The day you serve him his divorce papers should probably be the day you let her know. Remember: he’s the liar and manipulator – who *knows* what he has told her? It’s so easy for her to not know the truth, too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. Sending you positive vibes and hopes that you can get through this with little turmoil and a lot of healing.
Please excuse my candor, but how on earth did you not see any of this coming? Like before you married and before you had two children.
I think confrontation does little, and might actually give him a chance to try and manipulate you. Divorce papers are better, and keep the booth pics as evidence of his affair. Also be in a safe place at the time – like at your parents/siblings place, somewhere where you have security. Him seeing a girl, while an ugly thing to do, was one thing. But him emotionally and verbally being abusive on TOP of him having an affair makes it so much worse; as if he’s not even remotely trying to make his marriage work. That is the ultimate red flag. The fact that you’ve confronted him before is in your favor; he can’t say ‘let’s talk it through’ or ‘you didn’t try to communicate’.
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[How to get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
You should talk to your non-mutual loved ones – not to “expose” him, but to admit you’ve been abused for years, are finally ready to leave, and could use their help. Good luck.
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
Make Him leave the house, not you when the time comes.
Leave him ASAP
Tell him you’re OK to open the relationship and use your free time to prepare the divorce.
Don’t confront him do everything that he won’t know prepare get it family members brother in when u tell him
You need to get your girls and go somewhere safe while he’s out at work or with his side chick. You need to get all of your necessary documents, what money you can and get out. Talk to a divorce attorney first. Be sure you’re covering your bases. And tell only your most trusted person. Stay with family if you can. You can end the relationship through a letter or a phone call but not in person.
Get your finances in order and a good divorce lawyer. Child support won’t be cheap for him.
Stop letting him take the money. Get everything together and leave
Expose his cresting butt, and choose you and your sanity, don’t stay quiet.
This man wants his cake and wants to eat it too, so let him enjoy it and you choose you And let him deal with the fall out of his actions.
You have proof of him cheating, get away before he harms you or your daughters. Let everyone know why you are leaving. Some will forgive him (they are not your friends, you might as well drop them), some will take your side (cultivate these friendships).
My every sympathy for what you are going through.
Leave! If not for you, do it for your kids. Keep copies of as much evidence as possible. You can do this OP.
Let’s be clear, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he has a mistress. I don’t care what lies he’s telling her, he made vows to YOU! Get yourself a lawyer and make a game plan to get you and your girls out.
Time to pack your things. Lawyer up.
Go talk with a divorce lawyer. They will help you IMMENSELY. Also, gather any evidence you can against him, be it abusive texts, bank statements, proof of infidelity… anything you can.
If he gets violent, he’ll go to jail and his gf can visit him there. Let the attorney know that you do fear for your physical safety and will need guidance on how to handle all of this, within the context of your current living/financial situation. Cops can definitely be there when you hand him papers, if you feel it’s necessary.
Leave so quietly that you leave no trace on why. He’ll kill himself at night wondering what went wrong or what happened.
Seriously make a plan:
Pack, Called anyone you need, Make arrangements And
LEAVE QUIETLY
don’t confront him. …..
Simply disappear from the face of the earth.
Before confront him Pre plan it for yourself Talk to lawyer get advice. Make sure he not hiding money. get ya ducks in row learn ya state laws and your rights
First and foremost lawyer up go through every possible situation moving forward custody, child support,assets, failure to pay child support ect. Therapy for your children, therapy for you. Deep financial assessment. Then you know all your options. Then make your choices from an educated thought out process.
My heart goes out to you. Sending kind thoughts and prayers your way. Man this is so cruel to read
Do U co-own the house? Are you on the lease? Talk to lawyer you need to leave or he leaves as he has threatened physical harm. He’s checked out, no point hanging on.
Updateme!
Do not say nothing at all.
Go to a lawyer and inform about your rights and how to proceed and file for divorce. Sooner or later he will leave or get her pregnant, whatever. Run away from him then.