sorry for posting this here but it kept getting flagged for asking for moral judgment on relationship advice for literally no reason
tl;dr: how to break up with my freeloading boyfriend? we moved across the us and signed a 12 month lease together (im the head of the household)
let me try and make this backstory as concise as possible
I met my boyfriend very recently around June. we met online and became friends. after 2 months I ended up meeting up with him and a few other mutual friends for a little roadtrip and we spent 3 days together. this was my first time doing something like that and it kind of made me start getting impulsive.
shortly after I got a week off of work and planned on meeting up with my sister in another state but also decided i would visit him again. long story short I got drunk and he kissed me which basically made me decide were dating now and I got very attatched to him.
I mentioned the idea of moving in together in passing (although i was thinking more like sometime next year) but he “lives life on the edge” or whatever and basically decided we should just move that same week. so I did. I quit my job and I moved across the country away from my family with him and my cat in a 3 day long road trip
the reason I was so quick to take the opportunity is because of my previous relationship, which was nearly 2 years long. he always said we would move in together but everytime something would come up (probably something he made up) and the date would get pushed back again. then he told me he was going to inpatient for severe depression and I waited and waited, but after 8 or so months i decided he was probably just ghosting me and I should just stop holding onto that hope and live my life. So I feel like subconsciously i just didnt want to let that happen again, I didnt want to lose something that would be built up.
when we moved I got us an airbnb (i had nearly 10,000 dollars in saving which you will see from this post – has been drained away in the span of 2 months) he told me if I payed for the airbnb he would get enough money for our first months rent wherever we end up renting – that was a big fat lie. I payed for groceries, takeout, all of our furnishings for the apartment, and I also bought him a gaming pc (I am far too generous and I tend to do whatever it takes to keep someones favor). I paid for his loads of beer, his vapes, and if i said no to buying him a game because WE NEED TO SAVE OUR MONEY he would just pout and beg until I gave in.
we signed a 12 month lease for an apartment and of course I payed the down payment of 3,000+ dollars (security deposit was basically the same as the rent) and next months rent comes and hes got nothing to show for it and i also didnt have any money. so I had to call my fucking parents. now im just trying to sell whatever I can to get enough for next month since my paycheck wont cover rent for 2 people.
aside from the money aspect. he is lazy. he never spends quality time with me. he never appreciates me. he never helps or does anything for me. now listen, I actually consider nyself a pretty “serviceable” person, if thats the right word. I actually get a lot of satisfaction from dpi g things for others, and in the beginning i did enjoy cooking for him, keeping things tidy, all that nundane stuff… in the beginning. that was until I realized all of that satisfaction and fulfillment is lost when he has no appreciation for anything I do. when I make him food he just says thanks and eats it at his computer. when the apt is messy he says “it looks fine to me” when the apt is clean and i show him he says “yeah its okay i dont really care”
he also just doesnt really make me feel loved… at all…
anyways onto the “question” I guess? how do I get out of this relationship? is it possible for me to take him off the lease if he signed it with me but I am the head of the household? I actually dont want to move back to my parents because i got a really good job here and some amazing friends but I dont want to be trapped with this guy for the next year and I also kind of would feel bad kicking him out because he doesnt even have a car so.
6 comments
okay, before you make a decision, have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling, tell him you feel a bit unappreciated and you’d like it if he helped out sometimes, but don’t get mad, just explain to him what you’re feeling and maybe ask him some questions. if he still brushes it off like it’s nothing then you should leave him. don’t feel bad for leaving someone who can’t see your worth. there is someone out there who will see you and think you are the most amazing person they’ve ever seen and want to give you the world. don’t feel bad for putting yourself first. don’t put your energy into something that is one sided you are worth so much more than that
This one you are going to buck up and admit you screwed up.
You call your parents and tell them all of this. You ask them to bail you out and let you move back home. You are then the best daughter ever to them as you get your life back on track.
Read your lease and talk to your landlord, you’ll probably have to pay a chunk of change to break the lease and get a new apartment but it will be the cheapest option in the long run. Stop paying for anything for him, put your foot down no matter how much he tries to manipulate you.
Just some general life advise – don’t be in such a damn rush to do all these grown up things. You didn’t even know him! You’ve missed out on all the fun and the best part of a new relationship – getting to know one another, dating, finding things in common. Instead you jumped right into the “mature relationship” status. Had you taken the time, you would have found out he’s a slob and he has no money and doesn’t/can’t/won’t work. You would know that he doesn’t really love you (how could he?? He doesn’t even know you!). Next time, take plenty of time to get to know someone before you tie yourself to them legally. Don’t rush it – enjoy the ride!
As for how to get out now, I don’t really know. Depends on the laws in Utah I guess. You may have to evict him, or maybe there’s a legal clause for breaking your lease. But whatever you do – don’t feel bad for him! He’s a grownass man who can take care of himself. And if he says he can’t? Too bad, so sad. Tell him to call his mommy. He is NOT your responsibility.
He sounds like an abusive freeloader. Kick him out. Or leave if that is too difficult.
I would encourage you to seek out some of your other contacts to help you plan the most effective way to do this and help you follow through.
christ alive just boot him the fuck out. get your landlord to remove him from the lease and tell him to kick rocks. you’re clearly not enjoying this in the slightest and it’s guilt that’s holding you back – you feel pity for him and think that if you withdraw your support, he’ll fall apart, because he’s such a loser that he can’t possibly live without you. i promise you, that’s not the case! there was never any love involved in this relationship, he just quickly identified you as a resource he could exploit, which is probably what he’s been doing his entire life, so don’t worry, he’ll find out another person to mooch off in no time.