So I’ve been dating this girl for a few weeks. Things are going well so far but so far she’s been unwilling to kiss me without first drinking alcohol. She needs at least a certain level of tipsy to be comfortable with kissing.
If we go out, she usually doesn’t accept or initiate physical affection. She gets shy and doesn’t want me to be too close or hold her hand or touch her much. After a few drinks, she loosens up and accepts touches or initiates.
If we’re chilling at home or at a park and there’s no alcohol, she doesn’t accept touching, kissing, or anything else.
I don’t drink much so I don’t really like that we need alcohol for her to be comfortable enough to open up. She also doesn’t get crazy drunk either, but does need to have a few drinks or at least one beer before anything physical happens.
I’d prefer if she was able to accept intimacy without alcohol involved. We could still drink, but we don’t have to.
I don’t know if this is entirely a thing that I have to work out on my own or if it’s more of a “her” thing, or a bit of both. How to work this out?
**tl;dr:** Girl I’m dating doesn’t kiss or accept any touch without alcohol. How to work this out?
21 comments
Have you ask her about it? You didn’t put anything in the post about her perspective or any discussion
My first guess is you’ve got halitosis.
Could be you are pocketed: She’s ashamed of the relationship which might have nothing to do with you.
Could be she’s an alcoholic.
Could be she’s got intimacy issues.
None of these are your problem, but the situation shouldn’t go on.
Nah that’s no good brodie. U gotta tell her how u feel cuz imo its quite objectifying to only kiss ur partner when u drink. It’s unfair and honestly puts the other person in an uncomfortable position. I
It’s time for communication. Some time when you’re hanging out calmly, say “I notice that you don’t respond much when I touch you. Is there something different I should be doing?” Then listen.
It’s still early in the relationship. She may want to take things slowly. She may be uncomfortable with intimacy. She may be on the asexual spectrum. You won’t know anything unless you ask her. Some time when you’re hanging out mention that it seems like she’s uncomfortable with intimacy unless there is alcohol involved. Then ask if that’s true. If so, see if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable. Listen to her without judging or putting pressure on her.
You posted a huge red flag and question about her actions. What you didn’t post was anything telling us what she said about it. Without that, no information we give you will mean anything. Go talk to her. Ask her about it and tell her how much it effects your feelings about your relationship.
Nah bro. If she needs to get ish faced to progress towards anything, then that’s not your girl.
She doesn’t see you in the same way, and is just using you for attention.
Nobody needs a coping mechanism to cherish a partner they’re with. If she truly valued you, you’d know it. Because she’d show it. A woman who’s really into you would move mountains, finding any excuse to be with you.
This chick ain’t it. I don’t care what anyone says. A bad habit is not a justification here. He shouldn’t be chasing after her, hoping she notices how much of a great guy he is. Thinking she’ll have a change of heart. Because another guy she is interested in, she’d be throwing herself onto him immediately.
Sorry to say but I’m thinking you’re just for temporary attention, because she doesn’t want to be alone. And possibly for a provider for her selfish ways. Someone she can use until she finds someone she’s actually attracted to.
You honestly do not have to tolerate this form of disrespect bro. You deserve an actual relationship. You know. The holding hands, the dates, the puppy love and affection. You deserve to experience that at that young of an age. Seriously.
Don’t hold up for her, she’s wasting your time. Replace her. I know it may feel as though you don’t want to lose her an all. As though she’s the most important person in your life atm. But she clearly doesn’t see you the same way.
Don’t hold your breath man. You can find another. Other’s will beat around the bush about it and tell you to give her more time to open up an such. But I’m going to always keep it real and never walk on eggshells. It’s better to know this now then waste 6 months to a year more, just for her to cheat and dump you.
Nobody should need alcohol to feel they can finally show intimacy to the person they’re in a relationship with for quite some time. Think about how big of a red flag that is man. The horrible habits that will brew. (If not already).
Move on man. Find better. Respect your time and replace her or focus on yourself.
You need to talk to her about this. She might just be really shy and you need her to be more trusting in you, so you both need to sit down and talk about this.
This is a bit cold but regardless of her perspective, you need to end the relationship. Any girl with an alcohol problem will cause you headaches in the future. She WILL cheat on you or put herself into unfavorable situations.
The relationship won’t work out whether you’d like it to or not.
Talk to her.
Personally, as someone who has severe issues with affection and sexuality in general, I’ve only kissed people when drunk in parties, and having someone “normal” show interest on me makes me feel like I need to run away.
It’s irrational, it’s difficult even for me to understand, so I feel like MAYBE she has similar issues.
I wanted to give you my perspective so you can maybe not take her behavior personally.
But yeah, communication is needed, you won’t find answers anyway other than talking to her.
She’s a alcoholic in her early stages. My ex wife was like this. After 8 yrs, and many beatings later. She almost killed me. Hit me in the face with a Jack Danials bottle. I still can remember pulling the broken neck of the bottle out of my nose and face area. After I was hit, I had 36 staples and stiches and in icu for 2 weeks. The first thing that went through my mind when she hit me, I thought it felt like a octopus stuck to my face. I could feel the warm blood pouring down my face. I wish you all the luck.
This was me when I was 19. Intimacy is scary at that age, especially if you don’t have a lot of experience, and the fact that easy access to alcohol coincides with beginning to date more seriously makes getting a bit tipsy seem like a natural solution.
My guess is that in time she’ll be more comfortable, but it would likely be best for both of you to address the issue sooner rather than later. Definitely ask her what’s up, and if she says she’s shy or that she doesn’t know, suggest that if she’s nervous you guys could start really slow and get used to that? Ask her if there’s one or two ways you can show some affection that feel good to her, like holding her hand or more of a peck than a makeout session? And do that for a few weeks? And then slowly add to your repertoire from there?
I completely disagree that this necessarily indicates she’s an alcoholic, ashamed of you, doesn’t really like you, or anything so serious. It seems far more likely that this is a symptom of her inexperience and the fact that your relationship is super new. But ask her and make some suggestions depending on her response.
While the idea of “communication” sounds like a good deal, it really isnt. This is a case of bad dynamics. A gf/bf is supposed to not help but be affectionate with you. Thats less than the bare minimum.
Lets say you do “ask her” firstly you’ll lose respect /look needy. Then even if she agrees, you’ll maybe see hesitant affection for a few days then back to zero. And now u can’t ask again bcz u look needy.
Its a vicious cycle. Leave her and make sure you’re toxic about it.
Yikes, she shouldn’t be depending on alcohol to be able to give her any form of confidence. I’m a very shy person, and I used to use alcohol for a confidence boost (not for kissing or touching my boyfriend) to be able to socialize, and that ended up being a massive downfall for me later on in life, and I am a recovering alcoholic. Not saying she could end up as an alcoholic, but she needs to be careful. I would suggest having a conversation with her about this.
Everyone here is answering from their own history of relationship trauma and speaking from their perspectives of people in their lives. She is the person in your life. This is not a “her” thing. If you’re committed to being in what could be a long-term relationship then she is now your partner and you both have to be there for one another. There is a you and a her, but there is no room for ego in healthy, sustainable relationships and viewing it as a “her problem” is a part of your own ego too. If you care for one another deeply or even if it is a fling, be a safe space to her. Be gentle with her emotions. Ask her why she feels the need to rely on substances. She might be shy and inexperienced, she might like someone else, she might feel insecure, she might be depressed, she might have a history of feeling sexually used, she might be asexual or otherwise queer. There is no way for any one on the internet to know exactly what is going through her mind without projecting bias onto it. So be kind to her and ask her as a person. And know that you are never entitled to her body or to her mind, but that it is a decision that she makes and vice versa for you too. If I were in your position, I would tell her that I no longer feel comfortable continuing on if kissing only happens under the influence because even if it’s not enough to make her drunk it suggests that something is withholding her from consenting fully if that makes sense. Not even just in a legal sense but in an emotional sense. For example, if you can only be friends with people if you’re drunk and not when you’re sober then that is a pretty big problem.
If she is shy, you two can take it slow. If something else is up, you two can continue to work on it in whatever way is appropriate should you both find it in your best interest.
Talk to her about it, open communication is important.
It sounds like she is shy, not necessarily anything to worry about.
Do the two of you still have a nice time together even without PDAs?
If the two of you still get along even without alcohol, just give it some time, you’ll start to figure things out.
I have had an older chick when I was teenager who wouldn’t kiss me or do oral but was fine with other boyfriends previously. She just wasn’t a nice person & that was all there was to it. Never had any complaints from anyone else in the kissing department just her who was 20 & I was 15. Your situation sounds like she’s not secure with herself to be sober while being intimate. This is a her issue not you most likely.
Nobody mentioned something interesting: she’s drinking under age… Just a point that hasn’t been brought up
I would suggest that if you have only been dating for a couple of weeks, not to try to advance the relationship, get too attached, or commit until it gets resolved. Tell her you are uncomfortable with her needing alcohol in order to receive affection. If she is truly interested in pursuing a relationship with you and can’t move past the inability to be affectionate without alcohol, she may need counseling.