I’m writing here because I’m at a loss. Me (29F) and my bf (28M) have been together for a little over a year. In the beginning, our sex life was great and easy – it felt playful and fun, we had awesome chemistry, and I was never overthinking anything.
But within the past maybe 4 months everything has changed. It started with him telling me that he felt I wasn’t “tight enough”. I have some sexual trauma and I thought maybe it was because I was unintentionally disassociating, so I tried to work on my pelvic floor and fix things, even though I was extremely hurt by this statement in the first place and have never had complaints before.
Next, he would ask me all the time for specific role-play scenarios and dynamics, which I was happy to pursue…the issue is that I can be a little shy, and having already felt criticized, I was extra nervous to begin. But, despite that, I tried it anyway.
During the duration of our role-play sessions, he would constantly be giving me notes or getting frustrated with the direction I wanted to take it. He’d say it’s too “porny” or criticize the way I tried to ride him or give him a blowjob. It feels sometimes like I’m an actor with the world’s most nit-picky director…which obviously isn’t a good feeling.
Anyway, long story short, all of this has made it very difficult to initiate or want to try the things he wants to try. And he’s getting extremely frustrated – we argue maybe once every two weeks about it, and BAD.
I’ll tell him that I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position by not only having sex (which is vulnerable enough on it’s own) but also by trying things he’s interested in and wanting to make him happy, but never doing it “right”. He says I don’t care about him and he’s the only one putting in effort…that it feels like he’s playing a two-player game all alone.
I just feel like there’s something I’m overlooking. I feel ashamed and depressed that I’m not enough for him – I can understand if he wants me to initiate more and if he feels neglected, but I don’t feel like I’m getting the support to do it. Any advice on how to even approach this or get him to understand my perspective?
40 comments
ummm i’m sorry but if you try to talk to him about it and he doesn’t listen or he just dismisses you, the relationship probably doesn’t have a future
It’s not you, it’s him. Dump him
He doesn’t respect you and he’s basically just treating you like a sex object. You should be angry about this. Tell him straight up, “What do I get out of this arrangement? I feel like an object here to do your bidding. Is that all you want out of me? How do you think I feel?” *Maybe* that will get him out of his own fucking thick head to see what an immature piece of shit he’s being. That’s your only hope for a decent future with this turd, that he has some level of empathy. If he doesn’t get it, take out the trash. What a spoiled little brat he is.
girl, don’t ever put urself down over a grown ass man that doesn’t understand female anatomy and basic biology. dump him
You’re right you’re at a loss. This is all him. He isn’t listening to your needs nor cares. It’s all about him while you continue to make it all about him. Sex is something to be shared. You’re not his puppet. This is a loss. You called it! His loss!
He has images in his mind from either watching porn or a deep thought out fantasy, no one will be able to duplicate what he wants. Maybe try his way once a week, but then you get to have a night for what you want. I don’t think it will work if he complains your not , doing it right.You don’t need to be, what you are not if you don’t want to
>He’d say it’s too “porny” or criticize the way I tried to ride him or give him a blowjob.
And did he offer any actual feedback on what you could do differently? E.G. Move this way, don’t do that so hard, etc?
>He says I don’t care about him and he’s the only one putting in effort…that it feels like he’s playing a two-player game all alone.
Were I in your position, given his overall attitude described in this post, I’d ask him if he wants to actually be alone.
Also, OP – what do *you* want in the bedroom? Are you getting it?
Bro is trying to be Kubrick. ie a cunt
He really doesn’t seem to care about you. Just more about his sexual fantasies.
He’s just using you. I recommend leaving him
Please ditch this dude. He sounds like a massive emotionally abusive prick. I literally cannot even count the number of red flags. Run far. You deserve better. Think about this when you’re asking if this is abuse- “Would I ever do this to my partner?” “Would I ever stop him from giving me oral and give him notes back and tell him to improve?” “Would I ever say something hurtful about his penis?” You get the gist.. hugs. This isn’t love.
This definitely sounds like he has been watching a lot of porn and/or masturbating while doing so. This would account for “lack of tightness” and his selfishness and fantasizing. Don’t get me wrong, being experimental is healthy. But this sounds like a one-sided selfish attitude on his end. Any man who isn’t mature enough to understand real women aren’t like porn (and who tf wants that anyway?) isn’t worth your time honey. This isn’t you. It’s him.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? Seriously…..I’m baffled at the level of disrespect.
I’m pretty sure you could do better. Find someone worth the sort of effort you’re putting into him.
It’s only been a year and this is what your relationship is like. It’s not going to get better
Look up sunk cost fallacy if you are thinking of staying
Sounds like he’s another guy that watches way too much porn.
Throw him away. He sounds like a complete asshole.
His outright dismissive attitude about your feelings or concerns is awful. Especially given it’s about something as vulnerable as sex.
Sounds like he’s a bit of a narcissist, trying to relate to someone like that won’t really work.
Up this if you advocated for her moving on.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship especially if you will never be “good enough”. If he isn’t trying to build you up and you both grow through the relationship, he is probably a narcissist.
He sounds insufferable
It sounds like his been watching to much porn and now he can’t separate sex from a fantasy you need to talk to him tell him it’s to much pressure on you that it’s triggered your past trauma and that you have to set some boundaries
He’s sexually and emotionally immature. You are not. He will not change. You owe him nothing. Love yourself first and foremost. Grab your shoes and walk away.
End it. Move on. You’re going to anyway.
You ARE overlooking something….this has run its course.
This is not a good boyfriend. He was pretending to be. For a little while.
What you are overlooking is the fact that you are probably a fucking amazing lay with incredible head game. And that he is a fucking narcissistic loser who will not ever understand your perspective because he is so caught up with figuring out how to push your self esteem just a little further. I have written and typed and cried that last paragraph of your post 100 times over the span of 9 years. Go . Go put on something you feel amazing in and do you things. When you meet someone that makes you smile, go ahead and let him make you come too
Sorry but he sounds like a douche-bag who thinks you’re just a set of 3 holes designed to please his porn-inspired unrealistic fantasies.
Something else is going on. I’d move on.
Sexual compatibility is important. The give and take is essential to a healthy balance. If he doesn’t give and only takes and makes your effort demeaning this is not healthy. Sex is fun, intimate and a release done in a union. The bliss afterwards should be mutual. I don’t see a way to communicate you feelings any clearer. You are too young to be so worried about a natural act of love binding two people.
If you’re looking for our permission to dump this guy, you’ve got it. The pussy critique alone is grounds for that – if anybody criticized my genitals I’d kick them out of bed.
If you MUST keep him(please don’t?), you’re going to have to stop having sex with him unless you’re enjoying yourself enough to continue, as a ground rule. Maybe the BDSM community can help you navigate this kind of intense role playing in a more consenting and safe way. Without that kind of more conscious arrangement, it sounds like you’re in real danger of abuse.
You’re overlooking the fact that he is watching and masturbating to too much porn.
You’re a not “loose”, he’s just used to the grip of his hand and he’s trying to get you to act out his porn fantasies.
Find someone else. There are better guys out there for you than this selfish AH
This is so convoluted and fucked up. I have sexual trauma too from a long term partner. My advice is get out. All this is doing is damaging a part of you that has already been hurt. You deserve tenderness, sweetness, love, and comfort in the bedroom. Sending you big hugs.
I keep telling y’all to get rid of these dumbass trifling ass disrespectful ass demanding ass unnecessary ass tactless ass boyfriends. Cant be that much desperation and loneliness in all the world.
i was going to recommend how to talk about it until i saw that you tried. now i recommend no more of that. it’s not right. if he can’t respect your boundaries or feelings on what he has to say, kick his ass to the curb. it’s not that you’re not enough, he’s just doing too much- being overly critical. it’s not your responsibility to make every little thing to his liking. especially not how “tight” you are. what a gross thing to say. if you really want to approach it though, go deeper. ask him what his deal is because it is NOT a problem with you.
Tell him you’d like to role play where you break up. PEACE OUT to your idiot boyfriend.
Because:
1) your pussy is tight enough &
2) any person would be stoked to have someone who is willing to try out role-playing / other kinks that they’re into. Most people in the kink world are so PRAISING & thankful afterwards for their partner showing up for them in the bedroom. Cmon dude so disrespectful & discouraging.
I feel the majority of men would “over the moon” if their partner gave 20% of the effort you have! His loss and you will feel MUCH more comfortable with the next lucky guy!!
Pls leave
Plenty of other people are stating the obvious so I’ll offer you this instead: you honestly sound like you’re going to make an amazing partner to someone someday. You deserve someone appreciative of how attentive you are and how much effort you’re obviously putting in.
He might be cheating. Sudden changes and deviation of behaviours. He is a terrible person and worse boyfriend.
Man these younger be watching too much porn. What happened to just being physical with someone. Enjoying the most intimate parts of one another’s bodies. Exploring each other. To each their own I guess.
I stopped at “not tight enough” and you should have too.
I would stop explaining how difficult it is for you, that you can never seem to do right (which presumes to begin with that he’s the one to be pleased) and I’d tell him he’s not satisfying you anymore.
Tell him your sex life started out okay, but it’s supposed to improve with him learning how to fuck you, but if anything it’s gotten way worse. Be sure and let him know that in previous relationships, by this point they generally could make you come pretty consistently but that this feels like some awkward teenage fumble. The sex is terrible.
He’ll try to blame you again and say that he’s the only one making an effort. Just laugh at him and say his idea of effort is like some inexperienced pornsick fifteen year old. You’re a grown woman who needs a real man… Not this cheesy teenage crap.
See if that cures him.