Perspective needed … trying to work something out in my head that’s been lingering for a while and I want to get over it.
If you are the person going out for the evening… And you tell your spouse what your plan is… And then that plan changes… do you text them and let them know?… Do you consider texting a sign of respect for the spouse who is at home?
If I’m thinking you’re going to be walking through the door at midnight but it’s now 2:30 am and I haven’t heard from you? Can’t you Simply ease my mind that you are not coming home when you said?
My spouse doesn’t feel that they need to notify me that they are not coming home or that there has been a change of plans. He decided that his night wasn’t over , he was having fun and they were going to stay out longer.
I think it’s respectful to tell the person waiting at home for you, that you are no longer coming home when you said you would be . He doesn’t consider that a sign of respect.
I’m a crazy for wanting to hear that he’s not coming home as planned? That he is safe and not in need of a designated driver? Am I really in the wrong?
Edit: I would also like to add that this happened a year ago… He still feels the same way about texting. He doesn’t think it is a sign of respect & he doesn’t think it is necessary. He has started to text me, because it is something I’ve relayed to him that I want. He has definitely gotten much better at it. But said he will never feel the same way as me about this being a necessary communication.
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I do think that it’s the correct thing to do, if you are the spouse who is “out” that you at very least text your spouse with changes in plan.
Eh, if I care about where my husband is I’ll text him and ask directly. Similarly, when I go out I usually give a rough ETA of when I’ll be home but honestly I don’t usually update him if that time has passed and I’m still out. I just don’t think about it, I don’t live on my phone. If he wants to know he’ll text me and honestly he’s usually asleep by that point anyway.
I would like it if my wife kept me abreast of what was going on. Not that I force her to, but I think it is respectful.
We’ve had this fight before. So now I do, but I hated doing it.
I personally wouldn’t care to do so to her, but I understood it stressed her out.
But it had to be agreed upon, assuming we both felt the same way was the initial issue.
I’m a lot more laid back then she is.
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I don’t expect to be updated every step of an evening nor do I want to. I do expect the common courtesy of my partner letting me know she is going to be out late or if there is a change of plans. As a personal rule I don’t go out solo at night and I’m not a big partier.
You are right.
He is being disrespectful by not keeping you apprised of changes. Especially when they involve being very late and at night.
Of course. I don’t think you need to notify your spouse if it doesn’t impact them, like you went to a different restaurant than planned or something. However, if it means you will be later than anticipated then yes, you should let your spouse know! For safety reasons alone, that is a standard practice to me. I think if your husband isn’t willing to do this, then there is likely a bigger issue going on in your marriage because this isn’t hard to do. I don’t think this is the only way he is showing you that he doesn’t respect you much.
The only time I could see a spouse doing this and it’s understandable (still not acceptable but at least has an explanation) is if you are giving him sh!t each time he lets you know he is going to be later than expected, like blowing up his phone or something. In that case, I can see why he might not want to even bother with it because he knows it will just be an issue and he doesn’t want to deal with it.
Lastly, how often is he going out late? I’m all for an occasional guys night out, I do this with girls night. But if this is happening a lot, and he isn’t taking YOU out for a night out or inviting you along ever (for example when other spouses, GFs are invited), if your marriage isn’t in a good place and he is spending a lot of time out at night, then that is also a problem and a sign that he is checked out of the marriage. If that is he case, then you might be focusing on the “notification” aspect, when that isn’t even the biggest problem.
My husband lets me know where he’s going and usually about how long. If they decide to go elsewhere instead, he’ll let me know. If plans change in a way that’s going to affect how long he’ll be out, he’ll check with me before agreeing to make sure it’s all good. If I’m out, I’ll message him here and there. Like I went to dinner the other week and it took longer than expected so I was updating him on when we received our food and then when we’d asked for the check and I was otw. We have two toddlers and try to be courteous of each other. It’s never been something we’ve had to talk about, we just do it.
I think there are 2 kinds of people and they have radical opposite views on this. My husband and I are the text people. It would be crazy not to text if we were too be hours later than planned at night.
It’s just different strokes. You can’t expect him to change his opinion on whether or not texting is a sign of respect. If he doesn’t think that he doesn’t think that, and that’s fine.
If you’ve had a respectful chat (when neither of you are upset or frustrated about the topic) where you lay out why it’s important to you, then it is important that he respects your feelings on the matter, even if he doesn’t agree. And you should also respect the fact that he doesn’t agree with your opinion, and tell him that.
Figure out a solution that works for both of you. Relationships are about compromise. He is entitled to some leeway, but maybe ask if he’s going to be more than an hour later than planned that he gives you a heads up. I understand the people who are saying not everyone checks their phone, and I agree with that. To that I say, if he says he’ll be home by 12:30, maybe he can set an alarm for 1:15 just in case time gets away from him so he can text you and you know he is safe and he knows you’re not worrying.
It’s not about policing each other’s whereabouts, imo. It’s about knowing your partner is safe.
If he’s already gotten much better about it like you mentioned, and you’re just annoyed that he doesn’t consider it a sign of respect, I say kindly to just get over it. Because by texting you, he is respecting you as his partner. It doesn’t matter if he agrees with you or not on the why.
I always tell my wife if there is a change of plans. It is out of respect and she does not worry.
Not always, I’m not the best at texting in general. But we track each other’s location on IPhone so he knows where I am at all times. I’ll text when I’m leaving or otw home
It might be nice to send a text, sure, but with my wife it would go unnoticed. She’d be asleep and her phone on do not disturb so it would be almost pointless.
This is why I try to avoid giving myself a curfew. I’ll just tell my wife I’ll be home “late” and as long as the sun isn’t up yet I’m good to go.
I think part of the problem is that we expect our partners to predict the future.
I know where I’m going, not how long I will be there. I might get bored with my friends after 20 minutes and bail, or we might hang for hours. That’s how socializing works. Theres really no way to know the length of time or the end point.
So I text my wife when my location changes or if we add new plans or change old ones etc. but I don’t make any effort to predict what time something will end or what time I’ll be home.
If the plan changes (time expected to be home will be much later; location has changed to being much further away, etc.) dramatically, then yes.
That’s just plain rude not letting someone know if you are coming home late or leaving the house. This goes for not only spouses, but for anyone really. I wouldn’t be concerned about changing plans, but coming home 2-3 hours late should at least warrant a text.
I think it’s totally reasonable to let your spouse know when you’ll be home and where you’re at too.
When I or my wife go put, there are some rules for us. Who are you going to be with, where are you going, and what time can I expect you home. If anything changes, we text each other. If something bad happens, I need as much info as I can for Police or whomever. Not to mention puts my/my wife’s mind at ease knowing what’s going on.
Your spouse should text you if plans change. Married 22 years and I get mad if husband is going to be late and doesn’t text. It takes seconds to send a text.
if original plan was to a friends house and then they went to a bar, I dont care.
if he isn’t going to be home until 5am, then text me so I dont worry that he’s in a ditch somewhere.
Just a matter of respect
My wife asked that I check in with her more often when I was away on work trips. I didn’t get it, she was super upset.. So I started checking in more on work trips. LOL!
It sounds like your husband did this exact same thing. He didn’t think it was important, but recognized that you do. And, he complies.
Good boy!
It is def a sign of respect, and important for safety reasons in today’s world. Some spouses that are home don’t want or need the text, but I assume you do. I do it bc I want/need my wife to do it: if she is supposed to home by midnight, I’m worried sick by 12:10 if she doesn’t text, and in a panic by 12:20. Would he not worry if it was you out late at night?
If you guys are young and/or recently married, he may not yet be in “married mode” or “family mode” and could still be thinking like a single dude, although that is not an excuse. Tell him to man up and be more considerate.
In my marriage neither one of us would be staying out to all hours without the other. If that’s ok with you, keeping you informed of a change of plans seems like the bare minimum.
It’s not texting. It’s communicating, that is a big difference. I tell my wife every minor change that is happening, both so that she knows, and then we can talk shit about why the change is happening. Also I like to be home before 9 so I may not qualify for this. Communicating is huge in any relationship. Why may impetus would someone have for not sharing a change in plans?
I will update my husband about my whereabouts if they change or I’ll come back late. My husband does not always do the same. It bothers me bc I worry a lot and we don’t share locations so my mind starts racing. I wish he would text me more. We have gotten into small arguments about it. It’s mostly instances where he’ll go to Lowe’s or something after work and idk where he is. I should add he regularly takes like 2-3 hours when shopping at Lowe’s or similar stores.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You have made it clear that it is important for you so he should check in with you to make you feel more comfortable while he is out.
It’s respectful to let someone know if you will be late.
I think it’s respectful and I always text my whereabouts or any changes, but my husband feels differently and doesn’t always, and it’s definitely frustrating.
In his defense, he grew up in a family with really poor communication habits. He knows it upsets me and it has gotten a little better over the years.
I always tell him – it takes 5 seconds to send a text, and it will save me a lot of anxiety worrying about if you’re okay.
This is going to hit attachment styles probably. If someone is sensitive to feeling controlled then they are going to land on the side of the king extra texts are unnecessary. I agree with OP, if plans change it’s respectful and courteous to tell you. I also have anxiety and telling me helps me feel more secure.
(I would never have married someone that thinks your feeling of security in a relationship is 100% your sole responsibility.)
Mr. WineAndDogs2020 and I will text a heads up if we will be late getting home if it will exceed an hour or if something comes up. Easy and ensures no one is waiting up on the other.
I think if you are going to be more than a half hour late, you should text to put your partner’s mind at ease that you haven’t been in an accident, etc. It isn’t that you’re thinking they are cheating. It’s fear that the one you love dearly could be hurt, in the hospital, being held hostage, in jail or whatever.
My husband and I don’t really do things on our own. We have two young kids and personally we prefer to just be together as a family. And normally if we do go out it’s a date night so we are together anyways.
On the odd occasion we are doing something solo, whether it’s a night out or just having a personal day, we text or call each other with updates. Not every 10 mins or anything, but a “hey I’m coming home now” or “something came up” or whatever. I’m usually the one home alone with 2 young kids, it’s nice to just know when he will be home. There have been instances where I’ve gone to a concert or two this summer with my brother, and it was downtown, so I’d text my husband when I got into the Uber and, was heading home, when the concert started and ended. He liked to be updated and prefers it that way. Personally, I like knowing my husband wants to be involved and cares about what I’m doing and if I’m having fun.
100% should give our spouses an update! Shows true respect for the other. Something may have happened on the home front we may need to know as well. Id hate to walk in way later and not told my spouse about the change in plans!
I don’t, but I’m like your husband, I do it for my spouse if I remember. On the other side of things, if he’s out, I’m sleeping, so his messages will most likely go unread.
these posts are odd to me, if i’m being honest. Its odd to me that married couples go out to bars separately and into the wee hours of the night. As my parents used to say, and as I passed on to our daughters, nothing good ever happens after midnight.
My wife and I spend our evenings and free time together, not apart, whether we are at home or elsewhere. On occasion I might have a work function (e.g. team dinner) but those don’t go past 10pm and I definitely text her if plans/times change. Of course I’m old and we’ve been married almost 30years but even when we were younger we would spend time with others only as a couple, not separately.
I can’t believe people are down voting the idea that you should apprise your spouse of when you are going to be much later than what you originally told them.
It just seems to be common sense and courtesy.
I know that if I expected my spouse home by midnight and 3 am rolls around that I would be very concerned about their wellbeing, mostly from a safety aspect.
That there are so many people here that seem to blow off their spouse or SO concerns is amazing to me.
But I guess that’s just me. I love and respect my spouse too much to make them worry needlessly when a simple call or text would do.
We both text if plans are changing. When one of us is going out, we will give a rough estimation about when we will be back but if things change we inform the other. But we don’t text constantly or update every step, it’s just major changes.