Sorry for the superlong post, there’s a lot of details
I (34F) am really into my coworker (37M) “C”. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner- kind, helpful, smart, intelligent, capable of admitting when he’s wrong- he’s also slightly dorky which I love. This was a slow burn thing, I wasn’t attracted to him when I met him, and I objectively know he’s not really that good looking even now, but the more I got to know him, the better looking he got and now I find him insanely hot. For reference, I’m blonde, blue eyes, 5’3, and I look younger than I am. I get hit on enough that I am satisfied with my looks. Also, he and I are both single.
I dont work for C, but he is on the same level as my boss and they have similar visions regarding the future of the company so C and I work closely together and we have developed a friend-type relationship. We aren’t actually friends bc he doesn’t believe in being friends with coworkers. You can guess his views on dating them.
I understand his point, and respect his decision, but he doesn’t treat me like a coworker and it’s really messing with my head. He’s not American and has been here about 1 year so far. He told me when he was first coming over, our company had him take an etiquette class where he was basically told don’t touch the Americans, they hate it, and when he asked, I confirmed that Americans don’t like to be touched unless you have a close relationship, so he knows how our culture is.
This man touches me all the time and it’s always really awkward-idk if its me or him making it awkward. He’ll pat my shoulder or gently squeeze my arm. If we’re standing next to each other, our arms are always lightly touching and the other day, he patted, then squeezed my knee for emphasis when he was making his point. He also hugged me before he left to go home on his most recent vacation. To be clear, it’s not unwanted touching, it’s just disconcerting since he doesn’t even want to be my friend.
He also tells me personal, private information that he doesn’t tell other people. He recently told me about a job offer he is considering that will bring him extremely high on the corporate ladder, and I am the only person he’s told. Even my boss doesn’t know. He vents to me about his dysfunctional relationship with his current boss and all of the cultural issues he has run into since coming here, but he also told me he likes it here and doesn’t want to return to his country. He specifically said he wants to build a life here while he looked meaningfully into my eyes.
Everytime we talk, even if we’re in a meeting with other people, we make eye contact often and hold it for long periods of time. Personally, I can’t help myself, I can’t look away. We had a work lunch where he was being celebrated and when everyone was mingling, he and I made eye contact and he gave me a huge smile then came right over to talk to me even though we had just been together less than an hour ago.
He has done almost everything he can to show me he’s interested. He remembers small details I tell him, he asks me questions about my personal life and actually listens to my answers, we have inside jokes, he is always available to help me anytime I ask, he compliments me on things I find important like my work ethic, intelligence, skills, not the way I look.
So, I made a move. I knew he never would since we’re coworkers and he is higher seniority and could lose his job [not now if he takes the corporate job] but I figured I would find a new job if we actually started dating since both of us would look bad. I invited him to a group thing saying I knew he was going to be alone for a holiday and I felt bad. It was low pressure and I made sure he felt comfortable saying no which he did giving the excuse that we’re coworkers. I made sure that things didnt get awkward between us after he turned me down, but now, he’s ramped up the touching and the compliments and the eye contact and I don’t understand what’s going on. Is he messing with me on purpose? Is he just being nice and friendly and I am imagining interest where there is none bc i want him to be interested? If he’s not interested, how do I get over him? I’m about to give up dating bc everyone comes up short compared to him.
Tl,dr: my coworker acted like he was interested in me, but turned me down when I made a move. Afterward, he increased his attentions and now I’m really confused and I don’t know what’s going on or what I should do next.
2 comments
He has already indicated to you that he doesn’t want to date coworkers. And he’s already shot you down for that reason. I think you need to respect that.
If he ends up taking that other job you can shoot your shot again… or if you leave the company… otherwise, there is not much you can or should do.
As for the rest – try not to read too much into it. Yes, he’s just being friendly.
My take on dating co-workers is:
The more the job/career matters to you long term, the worse of an idea it is to date your coworkers. Like, you’re a 16 year old at McDonalds … sure, date everyone you want (though know that you’ll probably get a reputation). But by the time you’re in your 30s, you’re working, if not in your preferred job at your preferred company, you’re probably working within the industry you want to be in, so screwing around in the pool you want to stay in isn’t wise.
And then on top of that, he’s turned you down, but still acting inappropriately? At best he’s just someone who can be a little overly effusive with compliments and doesn’t “get” social norms. At worst, he’s a skeezy dude who knows you’re into him and he’s working up the nerve/grooming you to be ready to jump into bed with him … but as a “let’s keep this on the downlow” sort of way … and then he gets his groove on, but on his terms, not yours.