Hi there,
Before I get into this, I just want to be clear that I know I’m not being rational or fair. This isn’t an AITA post so please don’t tell me what I already know.
We have just had a baby and my in-laws are staying with us for a little while. I’ve not been getting on great with my mother-in law (MIL). I think the first issue I had was that she told me wife that the baby was always hungry because her breasts weren’t making enough milk, I was upset because I know that my wife is insecure about breastfeeding. I’ve been telling her all week what a good job she’s doing. She’d only been out of hospital for a day at this point. She sometimes says other things which are critical of how we’re looking after him. Despite this, she has been amazing in the house. MIL keeps things tidy and cooks breakfast and lunch for us. So there is a bit of a balance. My wife was really unwell (she lost a lot of blood and had to have a transfusion) so most of the housework is down to me and MIL.
The issue I’m having, I find myself getting very jealous when MIL handles my son. Like, she constantly fusses over him and I wish she’d leave him alone. Sometimes I think I’m justified in being annoyed but other times I think if it was someone else holding him, I would be fine with it. This morning, she was holding my son while she was taking a break from cooking and she asked my wife to prepare the bottle for him. I can’t explain why but I was seething with rage. I feel like she’s supposed to be here to help us, not be holding my son while my wife runs around. This lasted all of two minutes. At lunch time, she thought my son was stirring in the cot (he may have been) so she picked up. He started crying and she was asking if he had a cold, I said of course he’s crying, you just disturbed him.
I feel guilty that I am so angry over such small things. I don’t really know what to do about it, or how I can approach it.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is there anything I can do to feel a bit less grumpy about the whole thing? I feel like my hormones are wild. My wife keeps making jokes about how it’s supposed to be the woman acting like I am.
Edit: hi there, a few people have commented about the breastfeeding situation and whether my wife really wasn’t producing enough and whether it was dangerous for the baby. I wouldn’t say there are many benefits of spending your child’s first few days in hospital but one of them was that the midwives there helped us with feeding. They all said she was doing really well and not one of them said there wasn’t enough food. So, I’m not just being overprotective about that, I genuinely was told that my wife was doing fine there. And for those wondering, she picked up a blood infection while in hospital, (she is absolutely fine, I’m pleased to report) but cannot breastfeed currently while on these antibiotics.
28 comments
You’re sleep deprived with a new born. This is normal. Not only do you have a new baby in the house but also your in laws. None of your space is “yours” right now like it was two weeks ago. Also, paternal postnatal depression is a thing too. It’s something nobody really talks about. Look into it, because maybe this is something you’re experiencing.
Continue to advocate for your wife- especially if she has problems advocating for herself with her mom. But do not get openly angry on her behalf without discussing things with her.
She very well may not be producing enough milk. Especially if she was in the hospital for so long without consistent nursing from baby. Your MIL is there to help with baby and presumably to help her daughter adjust to motherhood. Part of that sometimes includes being honest about what might be causing problems for mom and baby- even if that might hurt someone’s feelings.
This time is for you, wife and baby to be bonding. MIL is helping with house, but overstepping with baby. You have every right to be upset. You and wife need to discuss and then set boundaries with MIL. It may be difficult, but try handling it with tact. Know this is your family of 3, but also extended family. Tell MIL that you appreciate her, but that you want to bond with the 3 of you and you are having a hard time with her doing so much…..
What does your wife say about all of this? Is she bothered?
I think what you’re experiencing is pretty normal. I’ll never understand why people have their family come and stay when babies are so young. I’d think they’d want to have time alone with baby to bond and find a routine. Hell, I wouldn’t want my parents or my in-laws staying with us period.
You get to feel how you feel. Nothing wrong with that. How you handle it matters though. And I would tell your wife to talk to her mother. You’re a parent too. And you shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home with your own child.
Your wife just had this child and your mother in law is not helping.
Your wife wants to breastfeed your child and your MIL is giving her grief about it.
Your MIL is making other comments about your wife, handling your child and just taking over.
She should not be there yet. Your wife is going through the last stage of pregnancy which is where her hormones are REALLY going crazy. NO ONE should be in your home much less making snide comments about how much your child is eating if it is being breastfed.
This is the time for you and your new family to bond and get your routines in place. Yes, it means more work for you but your wife does not need criticism right now. SHE NEEDS SUPPORT and your MIL is not supporting her if she is being critical.
Your wife needs YOUR help. Cooking and cleaning are nice but your wife needs to have emotional support right now so that her postpartum depression does not become something more debilitating and someone being critical is not help. It is a hindrance.
Tell your MIL Thank you for helping but that you two need to bond as a new family and you will see her in 4 months.
It’s perfectly normal. You are in love with your son as you should be and are protective of both him and your wife. I find it adorable.
It does sound like you, your wife and your son needs some time to bond by yourself. But you also needs support so be grateful for what you get. It sounds like she could have been much worse.
Sounds like she’s getting in the way of YOU bonding with your son and stepping in to meet his needs. Call her on it. Tell her you’re here on paternity leave for a reason and you want this time for the 3 of you… she’s extended family, you wife and baby are immediate family.
Two weeks is enough of a visit. It’s time your little family had some privacy again.
Postpartum anxiety and depression can hit both or either parents. And it’s common to feel rage at how someone else is intuiting with your baby when it’s different from what you are intuiting.
Just know everyone is there to help. Remind yourself out this and take care of your own well being. Get fresh air, take walks, sleep every chance you get, etc.
There are also support groups (postpartum support intentional is free) that are virtual. Just talking to others with newborn struggles will help tremendously so you don’t feel alone. Because even if it feels like you are, i promise you are not the only one struggling with these very same issues.
Edit: added international, as a commenter pointed out i missed
It’s an understandable reaction. It’s possible your wife also feels the same way but doesn’t want to upset her mother. Have a talk with your wife privately and then the two of you can discuss what boundaries to set.
Also if she just had the baby and she wants to breastfeed, bottles aren’t the answer at this point. Don’t let your MIL insist on a bottle.
Your MIL has been there for two weeks. That’s enough. It’s time for her to go home and let you and your wife bond with your baby uninterrupted. Talk to your wife and try to get on the same page; it will be easier if your wife is the one to say “Thanks so much for helping when I got out of the hospital. We’re ready to handle this on our own now! We’ll see you at [insert holiday of your choice].” If your wife insists that they have to finish their visit, at least see if she will assist in setting boundaries about letting the parents do the parenting. “Please don’t pick up the baby right now, he is resting.” “Oh, does he need a bottle? Why don’t you hand him to his mom while one of us gets the bottle, then?”
First let grandma look after baby so you BOTH can get some sleep. Then sit down with your wife and find out if she still wants her mother here. If she doesn’t, get mil some nice flowers and say thank you for the help you both can take it from here and would like some bonding time alone now
After two weeks of anyone else in my house, I would be raging, baby or no baby.
This is why it’s *not a good idea to have extended family stay with you just after a birth*. It’s an emotional time and much better to learn and bond together as a small family at first, before others visit. Even then, just visits, not staying in your home with you.
I don’t have a lot to say about the irrational anger, because I felt a lot of that for my own mother when she was living with me. I think probably she shouldn’t be staying with you if that’s how you feel but you have to accept that then you or your wife will have to make all the bottles and all the meals and deal with the baby everytime he is fussing. Which is fine (my husband and I did for all 4 of ours) but you need to acknowledge what she is doing for you and whether or not you’re ready to take it all on yourselves.
As for the milk comment, I would argue that the first day home from the hospital after having lost a lot of blood, your wife probably WASN’T making enough milk to feed the baby and it was okay and maybe even necessary to have someone acknowledge the baby needs more at that moment. It doesn’t mean your wife failed at breastfeeding.
It might help to verbalize every single nice thing she does, to remind yourself how much she really is helping. She won’t be there forever, and you and your wife are benefiting from her presence even if it’s a little tense at times. Make sure you’re getting a few minutes to yourself out of the house, even if it’s an extra trip to the grocery, going out to pick up takeout, or just taking a walk around the block.
Question: is your baby having a lot of wet diapers? If baby has many wet diapers during the day and is not losing weight, I think moms milk supply is sufficient.
I’m sorry you are feeling such rage. I have no advice except to talk to your wife about this all. Have her speak to her mother if you guys feel that’s necessary. Your MIL might not even be doing anything wrong and it’s all in your head.
Good luck! And congrats on becoming a daddy!
Sounds like it might be time for the in-laws to go home. Was there a set or approximate time frame that they will be staying?
You already know you sound crazy so no need to rehash that. Right now, all that matters is whether your MIL being there is a help to your wife.
If they leave, it’s you and your wife — and three meals coming from where and costing how much, and who is keeping the house tidy? Doing all the laundry?
Sure, the baby is your immediate family. That’s her grandson! And your wife is her baby. And if she’s not making enough milk and the baby is hungry, it is what it is. Cheering her on isn’t going to produce more milk.
I think that before, in older generations, men were expected to do nothing. They especially didn’t do newborn and baby care. They barely took care of their wives or were attentive to their needs. That’s why moms came and took care of their daughters and new grandchild. Maybe this is why she’s acting this way? Is she kind of old school? Is she open to discussion and change?
Because things HAVE changed! Your feelings are valid! First, you’re sleep deprived. That makes anyone touchy and grumpy. Second, some men have post partum depression. Third, you have stress hormones running through you and putting you on edge.
But also, by her stepping in it infantilizes YOU. As if you aren’t capable. You know it’s always like “not all men!” This is one of those spots where the patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women. It hurts men. The patriarchy says that men can’t take care of babies and can’t show their infants love. And when a man DOES its either looked down on taken away. I don’t say this lightly cause I’m a raging man hater, but it takes a dad’s power away. (SO it isn’t really man hating. It’s down with the patriarchy!)
Is it possible to have a gentle call in? Talk about how grateful you are and glad she’s there. AND that you need to take care of baby too. Your parental instincts need to be listened to too. And that she needs to be gentle with your wife too.
Without uproar can you step in more firmly with things? Like if she asks your wife to do something, simply stand up and say, “it’s okay! Sit down babe, I’ll do it!” Or when she says something that your wife isn’t doing or producing enough, immediately say something encouraging like, “I think you’ve done a great job, any amount of milk is good for the baby. You got this!”
Don’t let outdated traditions and bending to the older generations take your power away. You don’t need to be aggressive or angry or jealous (feelings that we’ve been socialized to believe are manly emotions). Dont go on the defense.
Use softness and gentle care to take the power back. Be intuitive and kind. Show both your MIL and wife that YOU CAN do this and that you’re smart and capable and trustworthy. Focus on being the best dad you can be and you’ll prove it. You’re coming from a place of sadness and love. Your instincts and feelings are spot on. But you can acknowledge those and then work towards somewhere better and happier. You’ll all be a happier family for it in the end.
Congratulations and good luck
Both women and men have hormone fluctuations after having a baby. What you are feeling is protective over your son and that is an amazing thing! I would step in more as a father and let you wife tell you want she wants… have a conversation with your wife on what she wants because trust me she is way more worried and hormonal right now. Then just step in and help more with the baby if your baby is sleeping you take the monitor and tell her you got the baby and take out trash anything to help with cleaning… if she asked your wife to make a bottle you make it… let your wife heal, enjoy the help because I had a c section and did a lot without any help.
First look up lactation cookies. There are some oatmeal raisin ones you can make yourself with brewers yeast.
Secondly if your wife wants her mum there it’s rough but you need to let it be.
Whenever the frustration gets too much take a breath. When you see your MIL ask your wife to do something step in and say no wife stay resting and I will do it. Your MIL will get the point.
While I do understand the feelings, what’s stopping you from fussing over your baby and bonding with him? You’re whining on reddit when you could be making him bottles and changing his diapers. Not that hard to tell your mother in law “I’ll do it, you take a break” in your house.
She’s totally impeding on YOUR bonding time. Dads need to bond with their babies too! She needs to back off! I understand she’s excited and all but those first few months are supposed to be between you and your wife! THEN you have people come visit.
You’re not being irrational. MIL is overstepping.
INFO: what does your help and support look like here?
I think answering that would give a greater indication what’s going on.
Why are they staying? It’s just a recipe for disaster
If I was your wife & your MIL was my mom, I’d tell her (in nicer words) “You’re here to help, not to take over, so either stop controlling & start focusing on helping us, or LEAVE.”
SCeriously, if I were you, I would have leaned over and took the baby saying “Come to Papa. Now that I have him & your hands are free to make the bottle, since you so lovingly came here to help with exactly those kinds of things while my wife and I can bond with our tiny baby boy. Thank YOU so so much.” And then take the baby and wifey into the other room. But if she is breast feeding, was this pumped milk? It can take a few days for her milk production to get up to needs, so at one day I can see how this would be a sore subject. Make sure you confirm with Dr appointments that the baby is thriving as expected, and counter sweetly counter with what the professionals say. It seems that your wife is probably more used to her Mother’s criticisms, but there is no reason you can’t turn around and quietly and sweetly say “please do not criticize my wife, this is stressful enough. And I can’t handle feeling uncomfortable without being protective even though I know you don’t mean it that way…oh sleep deprivation is real.” You may even make yourself the butt of the jokes, “Look how possessive I am already, I am stealing you from Grand Mama.”
The key is keeping your comments polite, funny if possible, quiet and also very direct. Don’t raise your voice, and don’t say snotty or nasty things. Follow each counter statement with an appreciative comment about how the house work and food is such a huge help and so appreciated since your wife was so weakened by the rough delivery. Let her hold the baby, but do not let her hold the baby for hours while you want to. There is nothing wrong with you saying, “ok, I am having baby son withdrawals, my turn to hold my munchkin.” And simply reach over and scoop him up. And tell her again “I am so glad you are here to help.”
The magic of positive manipulation is real. Good luck, and congratulations on the little one. Take good care of your wife, she needs more rest since she had a traumatic birth episode.