I (31F) was looking through my husband’s (38M) music on his phone to get ideas for concert tickets I could buy for a Christmas present. I then decided to be nosy and look around, not thinking that I would find multiple videos from multiple occasions of us having sex. I am distraught that he would film our most private moments without my consent and now I’m paranoid about being recorded. I know I violated his trust by looking through his phone, but I feel like he violated mine even more with the videos. How should I approach him on this?
36 comments
Jfc, like go to the police and divorce him. What a piece of dirt. Do you think he would post them online??
Get back on his phone, take a photo from your phone of the evidence, delete the videos, go to the “recently deleted” folder and delete them there too. Then sit him down and ask him to explain how and why he violated your trust recently. Do not tell him what you found at first, just tell him you know he violated your trust and you want to hear from him how and why.
Make sure he hasn’t got any copies save on a computer or cloud
I get the privacy & consent point, but he is keeping them to jerk off to them, so situation could be worse.
Phones are community property!!
Also, they are not extensions of our brains, but they are evidence of what people waste their brain power on.
You don’t approach him, you go to the police as what he did is a crime.
confront him, and ask him to be more honest with you about his desires in the future
Ya know, I just don’t think i could get over this level of a breach of trust. I just can’t imagine any explanation that would allow me to get back to a place where I could trust my husband and be intimate with him again. If you can think of a way or an explanation that after this you think you can go back to normal, go ahead and pursue that avenue. But if you can’t, I think you just start the process of getting divorced and tell him why (and tell the lawyer why). But I wouldn’t really want to negotiate it or hear excuses.
That’s your husband. You don’t just divorce or go to the police over something like this. Some men have crazy sex drives. And we know our wives sex drives so trying to tell them they want more sex or for them to get back in better shape is a lose lose situation. What he did is wrong, but not that creepy. He’s yours and you’re his. I doubt he’s posting them online. Most likely just fantasizing/masturbating.
At least it isn’t him with others and maybe he just liked to watch the times you guys had sex. Ask him about it and tell him how uncomfortable it made you feel to see them and to know it was done secretly behind your back.
He should have asked you. It is creepy. Confront him or wait to be intimate and catch him and ask if he has done it before. If he lies then that is a bigger issue.
Resolve this in yourself first. He has no consideration for your feelings.
Move on, tell him it’s over because you don’t trust him. If he objects then ignore the objections and block him either way.
Or, accept it and state your expectations. It’s okay to love an inconsiderate idiot if you have open eyes that they only serve themselves and you are happy with effectively having a crappy pet that hurts you. Don’t believe that the relationship is an equal one. They are a selfish person. It’s who they are.
It’s definitely fucked up and the recommendations suggesting talking about this is right on. Calling the police is a stupid idea. Cops are useless and getting the fucked up legal system entangled in your life will be a nightmare for everyone. If the marriage is otherwise good, getting divorced is overkill. Communication is very important.
Share the video, let see if you have to worry or not 🙂
Oh my (ex) husband did this too. And put it up online soooo watch out for that. He did a lot of other really shitty things too, but this is the one I will never forgive him for. I’m sorry for you, but yeah my vote is kick him out. And check his computer etc too to see if you can find where he’s posting the vids.
Y’all so toxic telling her you know her husband than she does. Also, stop with the divorce recommendation like it’s your only option. There’s an intimate part of a relationship called “working it out” ya know.
I’d be happy if it were me.
The classic “do you have something to tell me?” Then see what he says- you might get even more info about other fked up stuff he’s been doing that you don’t even know about.
Girl he’s very likely posting these online. This is a very popular form of porn. You might even find your video on Reddit.
Do not approach him until you make sure you’ve found it all. You should also check your home for cameras, particularly the bedroom and bathroom.
You should also consult with a divorce attorney. They’ll be able to help you with someone who can try and track down anything he’s posted of you.
You should check his messages and deleted messages. There’s a good chance he’s sharing these with friends.
Even if he is not the type to post it online, how well is his online security habits. You already made it sound like he probably transfered this between devices. This means it may also be in cloud storage. Keeping digital images of this sort on devices with regular access from networks or on cloud storage really sets things up for possible data leaks. When I worked promoting Only Fans one of the biggest security advice i gave clients was to save all material and content created on and external hard drive that you disconnect when not editing or transferring images to your content services.
I honestly would just take the evidence I needed and quietly divorce him. He knows what he did and probably did other stuff too. Show the proof to your lawyer. Confront him with it as needed to ensure you come out well in the divorce.
There’s no coming back from this. How could you?
“Hey I was snooping through your phone and found the videos you recorded of us having sex”
Good luck!
That’s a big no no, nobody should film anyone else in this scenario without their consent. It’s an invasion of privacy, but more than that, it’s just wrong. It absolutely shows that he doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Me and my wife have recorded ourselves, it was in our younger days, and we both enjoyed it. Now she doesn’t want to be filmed anymore, so we don’t. I wouldn’t dream of doing it behind her back.
You confront him, then divorce him and leave. If it was a one of mistake, maybe you could move past it, but this is a concerted effort to gather multiple videos. This is a complete breach of trust.
Do not approach him without securing the evidence first. Do not allow him to delete it. Get a lawyer and divorce. This is a major breach of trust, violation of privacy, and illegal. Leave girl.
Head right over to a divorce lawyer.
It wasn’t a husband but my fiancé did this to me and he is on a sex offenders list now because I pressed charges. I don’t know where you are but this is a crime where I am
Send the videos to.yourself.through either text message or email. Don’t hide it. Confront him about it and ask him, WTF?
I would also start.thr conversation by saying, I went through your phone and found videos of us having sex. Please, explain why your did this without my consent? What are your reasons? Do you understand this is a huge violation of our trust? Has anyone else seen any of the videos? Have you ever shown anyone nude pics of me?
Pay attention to his facial expressions during the entire time and take note on his eye contact. Each of us have a specific pattern we follow when communicating. You already know his for the most part.
Just tell him what you found. Don’t worry about him being mad. What he did was worse. If you had consent to use his phone, you had consent to look at it’s contents. Tell him you no longer trust him, and stop being intimate with him until you figure out what to do.
Unfortunately this is a felony. Some men get off on the fact that it’s not consensual. That’s the point.
I would never have sex with him again. The intimacy has been obliterated. In fact, every single time I reject my husband from that moment on I would break out a vibrator so he knows he isn’t needed for the multiple orgasms that follow. Recording you without you knowing is so fucking disgusting…I don’t throw around the R word EVER because I was almost killed during that type of attack, but this type of violation by the man you should trust with your life is just as filthy as if he forced himself. The worst part is, if he would have asked it’s possible you would have agreed to record a session. Instead he chose to be a predator and I would never trust him again. I am so sorry this happened to you.
das fucked up u better start preparing to lawyer up cuz this is a breach of privacy no matter if youre in a marriage or not. i’d feel betrayed if i wasn’t consulted or even asked for consent on this.
redditors lack nuance. People are right. Confront him. But decide for yourself if it’s worth divorce or police. You’re married and for all we know he thinks you’re hot and did indeed keep them for himself.
Communicate clearly that you’re displeased with the fact that it was without you knowing. He must know that’s it’s unacceptable to do this without your explicit consent and that he violated your implicit trust. Discuss calmly and openly about your feelings on the matter. Make it clear that it’s not the act, but rather the secrecy that hurts, if that’s the case.
He violated your trust. Marriages are hinged on effective communication, so communicate clearly.
Theres a chance you’re married to an idiot that thought “we’re married so it’s ok.” Obviously untrue, but certainly within the realm of reason.
God damn some of advice is ridiculous if not just laughable. Surprised no one suggested putting him 6 ft under.
Him doing this without your knowledge immediately makes me suspicious that he’s showing that to someone else.
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delete them from his icloud and keep a copy for yourself on a thumb drive. you’ll have them if you need them someday.