Hi – I’ll try and keep this short but also hit all the main points. My BF & I were best friends for 5 years, and have been dating over a year now. It started off wonderful and I have to say ahead of time I’ve never loved anybody like this. He loves me so much, and always provides me cuddles and makes sure to make time to see me.
Lately though, I get less of those sweet messages he always used to send me. I’m happy we’re comfy with each other but I need consistently to be shown I’m loved. I have a lot of problems with myself, and am unsure if I’m the problem here. He messes with me a lot and says I’m sensitive (which I am but sometimes it’s about stuff that’s important to me). Like he jokes about my anxiety. Granted I’m anxious literally every day (since a medical emergency in January that has caused me to struggle mentally). But he’ll joke about it in the moment, or how smoking weed makes me anxious now when it could “cure all my issues”.
He thinks he’s right about everything so when I try to tell him something I feel different about he usually says “well I’ll just shut up and kill myself then” or something like that. I don’t feel like it’s gaslighting because he doesn’t mean that, but I hate when he says that because it invalidates my feelings AND makes it seem like I’m invalidating his advice. I’ve said that kinda stuff upsets me when he responds like that, to which he says “when I can’t help you then I get upset”
He cares about me more than anyone ever has. He shows it a lot, but I see those actions dwindling. On my end, I am TERRIBLE at communicating and don’t know why. It’s so clear in my head but when I go to say things (to anyone) I get so worried about hurting feelings.
Currently, I am doing bad mental health wise and my dad is dying- and I just tested positive for covid tonight. I was so excited to see him & my friends I haven’t seen in months, now i probably can’t. He has not been a great support for me there, as he’s hanging out with his friends now and I sat with my dying dad and stressed out family all day. My dad is my best friend, I’m doing bad. Is it my mental health hindering my communicating? How do I get better at communicating?
Tldr: my boyfriend is slowly starting to do less and say less to support me. I feel I could be over-reacting and need an outside perspective because my mental health is currently in the shitter. How do I get better at communicating?
2 comments
His statements about harming himself are not gaslighting, but they are very manipulative. You’re right that he is invalidating your feelings. He says things like that in order to avoid or ignore what you feel.
I don’t think your communication is the problem. You explain yourself really well in this post. I think your boyfriend is the one with communication issues.
A real man would sit there and support you emotionally during a rough time. He does not value you or your needs and is immature. You should find it within yourself the courage to leave him and focus on spending time with your father. It kind of seems like you are using him as a form of escapism to cope with your difficult circumstances. You must face reality and be brave about it. I wish you the best and I hope you grow from whatever challenges you are facing.