I (30M) am an EM physician, and I met a girl (30F) at the gym. She seemed nice, and I asked her out. Turns out she is a nurse in the hospital I work at. We’ve been on 5 dates, and she has asked/commented several times on my debt. I thought that was weird. She also asked how much I made and when I wanted kids. I said after 3-4 years because I wanna pay off my school debts and have a strong financial backbone before having children. She asked if I would be willing to wait for 2 years. I said possibly, and she was happy that I could see her side. She commented that she wanted a $4-10k engagement ring in passing for the Instagram likes. She said she was joking. However, another comment was that she asked what my dream vehicle was, and I said a 1993 silverado 4×4 truck. I want one because it my first vehicle, and I can maintain them easily. She said, again, jokingly that if I bought that truck, I would be driving alone in it. Then said JK. She also showed me houses in a park during a date, and asked me which house I liked. She said she only likes fancy restaurants, like the Keg and other steakhouses (somewhat expensive) in my city. She said Montanas was not fancy enough or something (my words).

However, the most concerning was that she asked if we had a child with Trisomy 21 (Downs syndrome) if I would be okay with giving it up for adoption. She said a good friend of hers did that and had two healthy children after that. She was wondering what my opinions were and if that was okay. It bothered me. To me, this sounds like a person that would abandon you with the slightest hint of trouble.

I was practically single for 7 years due to medical school and residency. Also, everyone in medical school was really immature, and my EM residency was no different. So, my perceptions on these may be skewed. So I am curious if these are normal questions as you get older, have more stable careers, and become more advanced in age?

I was just wondering if these are as concerning as I think they are? Thoughts and opinions?

Edit: Yes, this is real. This is not a joke. Yes, she said all of this, and more. Some mentioned she sounds like she wanted to be a SAHM, and yes, she did say that now that I recall. She wants to be a SAHM.

She also did ask how much I make an hour in my job.

I knew I needed to leave her, but I was torn. Now I am not. Also, my friends/brother give horrible advice about this stuff. Thank you for all the advice. Yes, this is real. It’s not fanfic or ragebait. This is really happening in my life.

Thank you all for the advice, encouragement, funny comments, and strength to move on, and learn from this experience. Thank you so much. I mean it.

42 comments

  2. I would absolutely not date her and no chance of a serious relationship.
    She clearly sees you as a wallet, not a mate/partner/husband.
    When someone says “I’m joking” it = I’m not joking, I’m scouting and feeling you out if you are the kind of man I want.
    You’ve been on 5 dates and already she is talking about houses, kids, money, and fancy restaurant.
    I’d advise you to walk away.
    You are a professional now, and need to find someone who will treat you like a person, not a wallet.
    I’ve been in practice for 38 years and I can’t count the number of gold-diggers that want to get with me…..well, get with my wallet.
    You have a lot of years and there are millions of women.
    You can do way better than that.

  3. I’d say they are “normal” up to a point…

    It’s realistic to ask someone if/when they would like kids. I’ve been asked in the past the “what if” if you had a kid that has Special Needs.

    But, the comments about wanting a $4k – $10K engagement ring, only preferring the high end restaurants screams red flag to me.

    If anything, I’d say she is looking for someone to support a fancy lifestyle for her

  4. Sounds like she wants a man that will take care of her financially and allow her to live like a princess.

  5. So many red flags here. Run for the hills!!!

    I say this as a woman. We seem to see things you guys kind of miss. Lol!

  9. Yikes! Does she care at all for you as an individual, or is she only interested in how much of her “Good BF material, potential husband, and future father of my children” checklist you can fulfill? I would have started running for the hills, the first time she quizzed me about my debt.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about knowing your personal deal-makers and deal-breakers in a relationship – and by age 30, most people have dated enough to sort those things out, although it sounds like your own prior dating experience has been quite limited, But she is asking extremely personal questions, before you have even discussed making this relationship “official.” Her questions would have been perfectly appropriate if you were a long-term established couple, and already seriously thinking about getting married. But after just five dates, while you are still in medical school, and unsure of where you might end up in residency? No, not appropriate. I would tread carefully OP.

    FWIW you NEVER have to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable, regardless of subject matter. Just shake your head and say “Mmmm, that’s private” or “We’ll have to get to know each other much better before we talk about that.” If she keeps pushing you for more information, smile and say “Let’s talk about something else” and then change the subject.

    You also don’t have to keep dating someone who appears to be pushing you to commit to her before you’re ready. If she continues to make you nervous with all of these interrogations and broad hints about how much she expects you to spend on her, she is probably never going to be a good fit for you. It’s OK to tell her that, and move on.

  11. My last ex worked at a gas station with 3 different baby daddy’s and had the nerve to ask how good my credit was and what I can/can’t fix. Obviously that didn’t last long. I’d recommend ghosting her existence man. That’s the type that would divorce you the day after a wedding

  13. Your intuition is spot-on. Trust it always. She sounds more concerned about money and appearances than anything else. She’s asking about debt so she knows what type of lifestyle you can provide. She also does sound like someone who will run from anything difficult. The question about the Trisomy 21 comes across like she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to bond with her own child if she/he is less than perfect. Run. You’ve worked too hard to get where you’re at to end up with someone like this as your life partner.

  15. She said all this after 5 dates? She doesn’t care about YOU she cares about setting herself up for life and getting what she wants. Cut it off now.

  16. She’s also could possibly be asking if you have debt for two reasons: 1. If you came from money and had them paid and therefore may have family wealth, or 2. If you had loans, how much because she wants to know how long it’ll take you to pay off before you become ‘rich’ and can spend. That’s a guess tho. Gold digger vibes are high with this one.

  17. When I grow up I want to marry a rich doctor. He’s going to buy me a huge ring, a fancy house, father picture perfect kids that I can dress up and parade around. It doesn’t matter if they need to be raised and cared for because my husband will make enough money to hire plenty of Nannie’s. I’ll go to nursing school to get good access to lots of doctors, I know most will be skeptical of someone like me but I’m sure I’ll find some naive guy, I just have to make sure he’s got real money potential. He’ll take me out on dates to fancy expensive places because I’m so genuine I don’t want him to think I tricked him, not like those girls who pretend to like dive bars and get mad when it’s revealed that it was all a lie.

  18. Devil’s advocate here. She seems driven and focused on the life she desires to live. HOWEVER, I would be hesitant to continue dating someone this shallow, immature, and unloyal. We all have expectations of our individual lives. And we all differ in experiences and character. Find someone your equal. Best of luck.

  21. I’m surprised you’re even asking , and I hope you already know the answer. She’s trying to use you for money I don’t think she plans on providing anything she’s talking about for herself. It’s bizarre for anyone to say she has higher standard lol given given that you’d be the one achieving everything and she’d just be taking it; that’s totally crazy. It doesn’t sound like she’d shy away from already planning to divorce you for money as well.

  22. Run fast and run far. She is only in it for the financial gain she thinks she can get from you.

  23. You’ve been on 5 dates and she has dropped this many red flags? It’s pretty weird to be talking about any of these things in such detail when you basically just met.

    Please do not see her again.

  28. She asked for my social security number mother’s maiden name and my checkbook. Is that concerning?

  31. Look, Brother, drop this one. She’s out for your money, that’s it. Right now, focus on getting yourself established in your profession, paying off your debt, and getting a good financial base under you. Manipulative women like that are a walking, talking red flag.

  32. sounds like she’s ’joking’ to gauge your reaction to see if she can line up your ideals with hers

  33. Ask her what her career ambitions are. I bet she wants to become a SAHM as soon as humanly possible. Then decide if you want that or not. Do not sleep with her without protection that you bring.

    It’s not unusual for people to be frank about basic compatibility questions like whether they want kids. But shopping for diamonds, houses, and babies on your dime after 5 dates is not normal.

  34. Usually there’s reason to give someone the benefit of the doubt in these types if scenarios but this one? Nah, run and don’t look back. Be careful when you end it too cause it’s giving crazy ex girlfriend vibes.

  35. This kind of conversation after 5 dates is a massive red flag. She’s telling you who she is..run dude.

  36. Shes not into you, but maybe just the potential of you providing the money…. Run shes a hot mess

  38. Look, this girl doesn’t sound all bad. I mean, she told you right up front just how bad the future would be for you. Yeah, clearly she’s a bit much, but she saved you months of horrible discoveries and just got it all out in one night. You got the cliffs notes version.

  39. As a nurse, I used to see people like that around me, so I trusted you. Run when you can. Don’t be ruush for relationships because it is long term investment. Also your job is stress enough so don’t bring another stress into your life.

  40. Tell her you are in $200,000 more debt than you are, and it will take you 10-15 years to pay it off. See if she keeps dating you.

  41. Yes red flags – 100% run. Before you leave I would consider telling her you want to be a stay at home dad and asking how much she makes. Just for fun to see her reaction…

  42. Interesting that you are going on a date when you said 9 days ago that your WIFE liked to work out at home…

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