Here’s some context. I’m going to attempt to summarize a lifelong time’s worth of abuse in a few paragraphs, so bear with me.
My mom is a terrible parent. I don’t even think she is a good person, honestly. My whole life, I grew up in an upper middle class household and never had to worry about financial things. My mom would always splurge on designer clothes for me. She would get me whatever I wanted for my birthday. She would take the family out to vacations, traveling the world and seeing things most kids don’t get the chance to see.
But money doesn’t buy happiness. And I was a miserable child.
My mom is one of the most emotionally vacant, manipulative, and narcissistic people I know. She’s the type of person who would tell a toddler to stop crying because “it’s not what a good kids do” because she simply cannot handle the emotional availability it takes to be there for a child. All throughout my childhood, my mom was both emotionally and physically abusive. Because of trauma, I’ve blocked out a lot of my childhood and I don’t remember much. I only remember snippets of those days, probably because my brain is trying to protect itself from all the messed up things my mom did – but just to give you an idea, here are some tidbits of things my mom would do that I remember.
\- When I was around the age 5 – 8, whenever my mom would get annoyed with me, she would pin me down forcibly with my hands pinned behind my back, her laying on top of me, and she would tickle me incessantly until I cried and begged her to stop.
\- Around the same age, one day she had a meltdown, started screaming at me, broke dishes, hit me, and locked herself in the room because I threw away part of a pizza slice I was too full to eat.
\- One day she locked me in our small guest bathroom with the lights shut off when I was very little, which scared me, until I was banging on the door screaming to let me out.
\- She would often punish me through physical means – spanking, slapping me in the face, punching, etc.
\- When I was a little older, approaching puberty as a 13 year old – I was sending “flirty” text messages to one of my close friends, who was a girl. They weren’t even flirty. I was just being a dumb 13 year old boy saying things like “xD you’re so funny.” One day my mom asked to see my phone, saw I was texting this girl, and for no reason at all, went ballistic – threw my phone on the ground and smashed it to pieces and proceeded to beat me. She said she didn’t give me a phone to talk to girls this way. (Honestly, even if I was flirting, this was an incredibly messed up thing to do to a 13 year old.)
My dad never stood up for me, because I think he was also controlled and manipulated by my mom is many ways. Even now, my mom retired early in her 50’s. My dad works full time to provide for her. And she controls all the financials and how they spend their money and what they spend it on. I think that’s so messed up. My parents have one of those relationships you see externally and think, “These people don’t even like each other, why the heck are they still together?”
All throughout my life, I knew I hated my mom. I was just so brainwashed that you were supposed to love your parents unconditionally because they were the ones who “brought you into this world” (something my mom would constantly remind me) and “provided for you.” I think my mom thinks she’s the greatest mom ever because of all the things she provided for me financially, and I’ve come to realize as an adult that she barely did the bare minimum, and all the extra stuff of buying things like the latest Nike shoes wasn’t being a good parent because it was devoid of any physical or emotional security.
I learned very early on I couldn’t trust my mom with anything. I was afraid of making B’s in school because I would thought she would beat me, or at least ground me for being a “failure.” So I kept secrets. And I distanced myself. And I was miserable. You could see it in family photos. 95% of photos of me as a kid I’m frowning with the most hopeless sadness in my eyes. For the longest time, I thought that was just my temperament as a kid. I didn’t realize until much later as an adult that kids usually aren’t this sad for no reason. It was because of my environment.
When I was 18, my mom kicked me out of the house because I kept making her angry with my existence. I started standing up for myself and mouthing back to her whenever she would throw me verbal jabs as I got older, and this infuriated her. One day, it was the straw on the camel’s back, and she kicked me out. Granted, I wasn’t homeless – because again, my parents always provided for me financially. Until I was able to support myself, my parents gave me money to help pay for rent for a couple years. I had to grow up really fast and learn how to tackle the world on my own as an 18 year old kid, and I’m glad I did, because it forced me out of an incredibly toxic environment.
Through a mixture of luck and very hard work, I was able to gain full financial independence within just a few years after getting kicked out. By the time I was 20-21, I was able to cover all my bills, including rent, by myself. My mom started going to therapy. She got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, was put on medication, and even though for a long time she would still send me angry, nasty text messages about how ungrateful I was and how terrible of a son I was, etc., she slowly got better.
We got to a point where we were cordial. At around age 21, my parents helped put me through college. They didn’t pay for all of it. I still had to get financial aid and was lucky enough to get partial tuition reimbursement from my work. My grandma also helped pay for books and other supplies. I graduated at age 24 from college without any debt, largely thanks to my parents. Keep in mind. My parents are rich. To give you some perspective, the current house they bought about 5 years ago was worth $600k. They paid in cash. That house is now easily valued at $1.5+ million. Paying for my school did not even put a dent in their financials. So, I don’t feel any guilt towards it. This is the only way my parents showed me they cared, by throwing money at me. So, it just seemed like the status quo.
Every month or so, I would catch up with my parents over dinner. I’d wish them happy birthday. We’d have family gatherings for the holidays. And this persisted for a few years.
Flash forward to recently – a couple months ago I tried to make plans with my mom. I got sick and had to cancel. We rescheduled to a different date. As the date was approaching, my mom made other plans to hangout with her friends instead and cancelled on me, so I tried to reschedule for beginning of November. My mom said, might as well just wait until Thanksgiving to see each other. I said fine. Come Thanksgiving, both my parents get sick – so I just went to my family’s Thanksgiving outing with my partner and didn’t see them.
My grandma packed some food for me to take home to my parents. I asked my dad to come pick up the food at my place because I didn’t want to have to drive up there and back again (my grandma lives in Houston, we live in Dallas, my parents live about 40 minutes away from me – it would have added another hour to our drive back home.) My dad said sure. Come the day we return, I tell my dad I’m home and he says they are still sick and that I should just keep the food. Obviously, it’s way too much food and I’m not about to let this go to waste, so I make the trek up to go see my parents. I tell my dad I’m going to drop the food off at the door because I don’t want to get sick. I tell him I hope he gets better, dropped the food at their door, and went back home. That was yesterday.
Today, here’s a string of texts I get from my mom:
https://imgur.com/a/5vMTzWx
I think this is totally bananas, and I sincerely believe my mom was having a BPD episode, so I’m not taking it personally, but what the heck, man? No, I didn’t text my mom hoping she gets better, because my dad had been calling the family over Thanksgiving and my grandma had been providing updates through those phone calls. We were all literally right there when my dad was calling my grandma over Thanksgiving to provide updates over how they were doing – how during Thanksgiving they said they were feeling much better than before, and so on.
My mom wants me to be emotionally available to her despite all my life of feeling neglected and abused, and I simply don’t think she is worth my energy. I see them once a month for dinner, for holidays, birthdays, and such because I am nice and want to do the bare minimum for my parents – not because I want to. My parents are terrible. I hate them as people, and I hate them as parents. My life got so much better when they were out of the picture – mostly my mom. And I wish my dad stood up for me. He’s not abusive, but he allowed all these terrible things to happen to me because he let my mom control everything.
My mom, to this day, does not think she was abusive. I tried bringing up things in the past like how she locked me in the bathroom that one day, and she vehemently scolds me saying I’m making things up and that she would have never done any of those things to her child. I don’t understand how she could think she was such a good parent and somehow forgot all this traumatic stuff she put me through. I don’t think she deserves my love. I think she should be grateful that I’m even attempting to do the bare minimum by seeing them and keeping in touch at least once a month. But she doesn’t even appreciate that, and now wants to cease all contact.
It’s so messed up. I really don’t know how to feel about it.
Thanks for reading.
35 comments
Oh man. She’s really toxic, I’m sorry.
You handled it perfectly. Let it be for now and just do as you said in the text. You’re also allowed to feel not ready to reconnect again when she reaches out so make sure you’re doing whatever you need to to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
I know it is your mom, but never feel bad when the trash takes itself out
Sounds like mom went off her meds.
Your mom is abusive and sick.
You can do nothing about it – it is between her and her doctor/therapists.
Tak this as a gift, and don’t beat yourself up over it.
Best of luck!
Yeah the truest example of a text book narcissistic personality disorder. She’s doing you a favour by ceasing contact but don’t be surprised if she tries to hoover you back at some point. That’s how they get their kicks.
I’m so glad I stopped talking to my mother before texting became a thing. You’re a good human for trying to maintain a relationship with her, foolish, but kind. The meds can’t make her *nice*, BPD always wins.
You weren’t really “kicked out” if they were paying your way. Imagine all that shit with no money cushion.
Please remember that you don’t owe any extra leeway or forgiveness just because they are family. You have the absolute right to remove any negative and/or toxic people from your life. You get one life and you don’t owe anyone even a minute of your time that doesn’t offer you respect in return. If you don’t want to make a huge scene or lose other connections just make sure all interactions or attendances are 100% on your terms. Should someone start with their toxic behaviour, make your excuses and leave.
Ps sounds like classic behaviour of the narcissist. They try to punish people who don’t tow their line by isolating them and separating them from their other friends and support groups expecting you to come back with your tail between your legs asking for forgiveness even though you didn’t do anything wrong
If your mother is really a Narcissist, learn as much as you can abt it. (YT etc). As she is your family it might be hard to go completely NC, so aim for LC.
Anyway I too have N in my family. If they have a meltdown and attack me in this way I do not respond. This frustrates them but then they get over it and move on. They then pretend like none of it ever happened. Meanwhile will be running smear campaigns and the usual BS Ns do, but whatever.
So my advice is to ignore her and wait til next time you hear from her, or run into her at a family gathering. **Act normal**. If you bring up anything she will deny it and gaslight so don’t even bother. Expect no apology or accountability EVER. Then you won’t be disappointed.
It’s hard to avoid family totally. (weddings, funerals) so just play the game, even if you have to be fake. This is what I do. Afterwards I am v v exhausted but it keeps the peace and I mainly wanna do this for other family members, as family matters to all of them.
Good luck.
ETA; this guy is good but not the only one. He does have tactics and scripts to use on Ns that seem to be effective for the most part.
https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism
You handled it well. Now it’s time to stop responding to her texts. Stop feeding her. She’ll reach out for sure, try to manipulate a response from you (because they always do). Give zero reaction. This ‘cease all contact’ thing is a manipulation contact, and she will absolutely be looking for an apology from you. Give her NOTHING.
If you have any social media she is linked to and you are petty (like me), post pictures of you having a good time and lots of smiling.
Her being the one to tell you to F off is a gift. Now you have an excuse to turn your back and let her scream and throw a tantrum for your Dad, who did nothing to protect you, to deal with.
You are no longer under her thumb and it makes her furious. She will do all sorts of shit to get you to twist for her, but you need to not react AT ALL. No ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, no ‘Merry Christmas’. No ‘hope you are feeling better’ or ‘are you okay’. No engagement. She said F off. It’s time for you to go on a long, happy vacation from her poison. If you talk to your Dad and he puts her on the phone, make a quick excuse and hang up.
Don’t feed the beast. She might even try to apologize – if that is so, make her do it in front of your grandma and Dad, make sure they hear you say that her involvement in your life is CONDITIONAL on her behavior, and if she acts in a toxic, aggressive way, then you will be taking another break from her until she works on herself.
You are in control here, OP, and she hates it. Enjoy this time without her and focus on the upcoming holidays and how you can schedule seeing family without bumping into her. And if she makes that impossible? Then tell the family that you will be seeing them after the holidays.
I cut my toxic abusive mother out of my life years ago, it was hard to do but also definitely one of the best things I ever did for myself in my life. Personally I recommend that you do the same.
The typo “you need hell” seems the best out of the whole thing. Made me giggle.
Do as she asks. Stop texting and go NC.
When she comes demanding attention then show her the receipts on you following her wishes. You can change relationship dynamics when she shows she is getting the help she needs as you refuse to subject a partner or a child to the circumstances you grew up under. I suspect you will live happier and healthier without all the stress from navigating that narcissistic manipulative relationship.
Your dads inaction is as bad as your moms actions imo. He witnessed his child being abused and wouldn’t protect them. For your sake, go NC and stay NC. Permanently.
My mother has borderline personality disorder. We have an okay relationship now that I’m an adult (I’m forty). But it will never be as it should be between a mother and daughter.
My mother takes no responsibility for the things she did when I was a child and when I confronted her in the past she denied or try to become the victim.
At one point I figured I had two choices: I could go no contact or I had to accept that she is who she is and she’ll never be a mother like she should be. I chose the second option.
I have very clear boundaries and live my own life. I’ve learned that I will never get real answers or the love/support I need from her. It’s kind of like being in mourning while that person is still alive. Mourning for what I never had.
You’re going to have to figure out what you want for yourself. You’ll never get what you really want from her, sadly.
There are subreddits that you can join, like r/raisedbynarcissists or other subreddits about abusive parents.
Remember: you are good as you are, you did nothing wrong and people will love you.
Look at this as a gift. You would’ve eventually had to cut her off anyway, at least she made it guilt free
I thought you handled that pretty well. My dad is like this, where everything has to be a whole *thing*. Reading those text messages was like I was reading them from my Dad. Honestly, the best thing I did for myself was cut that contact. Yeah, it’s difficult, and there’s a lot of emotions there, especially as he’s gotten older (closing in on 80). But I’ve put too much into myself to pull myself *out* of that mess and recover to let him do it again. Best to you.
Your phone was right to initially suggest “hell” over “help” near the end there.
TLDR; what you’re feeling is valid. Listen to other parts of yourself. Talk to others about how you feel. Confusion is normal, sadness, anger and everythung inbetween is normal. Consider writing if you don’t feel safe talking with others. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this conflict, it is truly unfair treatment. you deserve much better…
You’re feelings of neglect, emotional turmoil, anger, resentment and helplessness are valid. Your experience as child and young adult is a terrible unforeseeable consequence of one parent with Bipolar disorder and another parent with what seems like co-dependency issues. All of the harm and pain you’re feeling is also devestating and real. I urge you to nurture yourself with as much compassion for how you are feeling because the reactions which your experiencing are absolutely normal.
Talking with your partner, if you feel safe to do so, about your emotions and receiving positive empathy could benefit you greatly to break the hard wire template of callousness your parent has given you. If you don’t feel comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable or like ‘ a burden’ to your partner, that’s okay! If you can access a therapist who deals adult children of Bipolar parents would be a great way to work through behaviours and emotional coldness you are trying to ultimately avoid. Even still, I know some men’s support groups exist but I’m not in Texas so you might have to look around online.
After reading your experiences I was struck by the words I heard a long time ago…
“The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice” quoted from Peggy O’Hara (a parenting advocate from the 90s).
Your experiences certainly reflect how emotional and physical abuse can have a massive impact on individual. However, I’d like to highlight how resilient you are despite the challenges you faced and are going through today.
Becoming independent of a parent who has bipolar disorder (type I or II) or has narcissistic tendancies is a massive step forward. It was obviously a good choice for creating boundaries in the relationship between your parent and yourself that led to a ‘cordial’ relationship.
I’m sorry you’ve lost access to this relationship, that is truly difficult to hold. I hope you understand and believe it was due to things completely out of your control as you had said. The feelings of being persecuted for actions you thought were correct and having consequences (removal of a ‘cordial but functional’ parent and adult child relationship) might stirr up feelings of grief beneath the anger and injustice. It’s okay to feel loss, every child wants their parents love, kindness, concern, and hope even if it’s conditional. It’s what every child deserves in an ideal world.
Many of the other commenters have noted taking the time to let things cool down as a good first step. This might be difficult when the historical patterns your parent has used the ‘time + attention pattern’ in the past relate to how your parent precieves how much you love and care of them. Often your love is balanced on an imaginary scale of how much time, attention and sacrificial your behaviour is translates into the reciprocal care or love or both your parent will return to you even if they have willfully placed a finger on their side of the scale. Take solace in knowing the expectations your parent has for you are theirs, and they are unfair. You explained working diligently to foster a relationship even though it was complicated with your parent, this is evidence of what you’ve learned from your parent. Learning what ‘ not to be’ is just as powerful as learning ‘what to be’.
Emotional confusion is the least abnormal reaction to your current situation. But I’d like to pull your attention to the self-agency you found when learning of your parent’s diagnosis. It seems like it was a relief when you understood where your parents behaviour stemmed from, so during this cooling off period perhaps a book suggestion ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ by Lindsay C. Gibson can help you reorient yourself in the same self-agency you found learning about bipolar disorder.
Of course you’re the driver of your life, if you’re not up for talking with anyone, no therapists, no groups or not your partner or friends, at the very least let your thoughts and feelings out on paper. Writing a letter that will never be read can at the very least unload some of the physiological stress holding on to wreckage of emotional terrorism and physical abuse you’re having to carry with you.
Know you are worthy of love, deserving of honesty, care, and kindness. Most of all compassion. Compassion for yourself as well as those around you. Not everyone is given all the tools to navigate life let alone the all the tools to raise children. We don’t choose our parents but we can do lots with learning how not to be. It may feel natural to remove the love, care, kindness and compassion from both of your parent’s. You’d be valid for doing so. But know a stranger on the internet sees you don’t want to be like your parent.
Its so difficult to see other people enjoy their parents when you can’t even be yourself around your own parents. When you’re grateful for the things they “bought” for you, but neglected all the emotional stuff. You also had to deal with outbursts.
My mother was an alcoholic and we learned that if she kept herself downstairs in the livingroom watching tv, she didn’t become angry. There was the occasional time where she did stomp upstairs and yelled to us. But we learned never to ask her for things, because she couldn’t provide. Help with homework after school? My mom didn’t give a shit, she wanted to drink as soon as it was five o’clock (somewhere).
I went low contact because I had a kid and wanted him to get to know his grandparents. And I didn’t want to rock the boat with my other siblings who apparently thought this was all normal parenting.
But you need to decide what you need right now. I would think no contact is best here but it’s up to you x
Sounds like she’s doing you a favor tbh.
Try to think of it this way: what’s the worst that could happen if you go no-contact? You’re financially independent, seem to have a good life, and aren’t dependent on your parents for anything. It’s going to hurt for a while, but you need to get on with your life and stop worrying about what your mother says or does. Nothing is going to happen that really matters if you cut her off.
Your mom sounds exactly like mine, except I’m 10 years older than you. If my mom wanted to cut me off I’d bake a cake and throw a party. Take the out!! Take it!!!
“You need hell”
Sometimes autocorrect is right
Honestly, I’d take this as a good opportunity to really live for yourself. She wants you out of her life? Good, got it, goodbye. You went so far out of your way for people who really seem to despise you and you’ve given it more of an honest try than most people would. Cut yourself out of their lives.
Make the move have weight. I think you responded wonderfully, but don’t let yourself get sucked back into that maddness.
I want to reach through the computer and give you a hug. You’re handling all this so well. Let her put her money where her mouth is and minimize contact for a while, I would suggest.
I don’t have any great advice otherwise but I send my sympathies. It sounds like she’s having an episode, and I know myself how confusing and infuriating and all manner of other descriptors that one can never quite pinpoint it is to be on the receiving end.
Keep going to therapy, be sure to talk about this with a professional, and don’t be afraid to distance yourself a bit more if you need to. It always helped me to remember it doesn’t have to be permanent, either- maybe instead of calling each month, I’ll spread it to every other month until I feel ready to call monthly again. That kind of thing. Or reach out to just your dad instead (if you feel inclined).
Remind her as well that *she* is the one that wanted no contact the next time she reaches out, too (and she will). And keep reminding her when she brings it up, or simply refuse to engage with her when she’s being unreasonable. You can simply say as much, and then block the number for a while or silence your phone. But remember as long as you have contact only via phone, you have that control in your hands. You won’t get any apology or resolution, but it helps to have that kind of control over your interactions, I think. Best of luck.
I also have a toxic mom. Your mom is just using the threat of ‘no contact’ to try and control you. Call her bluff. If it’s not a bluff, enjoy your newfound peace!
I’m a slight bit surprised you are able to have positive feelings for your mom because it honestly feels like she did her very best to make certain you had not much access to your own feelings at all. Good for you for building up what you can and doing your best to be healthy in spite of her.
No matter what her real reasoning to things might be, she has stated the wish for space. All you can do is respect her decision.
Meanwhile you also need to honor yourself by doing what you need to continue to be as healthy and happy as you can positively be for yourself. Take care of yourself, make you be the best you that you can possibly be.
She’ll come around, or she won’t, and that isn’t up to you. You have no influence over her as an adult human being in charge of her own path. All you can do is wish her the best.
Go no contact. You don’t owe your family anything of all they bring to the table is angst and annoyance
Block your parents for awhile and beware of flying monkeys. Siblings and other relatives
Plan not to speak to these people until 2024.
Stop letting their weirdness affect your life.
Re-evaluate in January if December was fantastic enough without that negativity and she’ll walking to keep it going.
Getting rid of toxic people can be scary if that’s all you know. But once you’re free, the world is AMAZING!!!
I have an emotionally ill ex-wife.
BDP
Narcissist
Major Depression
A-Holes R Us.
My kids and I went through some rough times including physical abandonment and abuse.
She is unapologetic.
A good read is How To Stop Walking on Eggshells.
The sad part is through the anecdotal revelations, the common factor is that the ill parent or partner is unable to reconcile with the family.
You’re right that your mom needs therapy, but I think you can afford to seek some of your own therapy to deal with your childhood.
I don’t like to say it, but the financial stability, gifts and clothes etc your mother gave you most likely had absolutely nothing to do with wanting the best for you personally, rather for the self gratification and pride that comes with showing off wealth, success etc, but ultimately the power and control and how they will be viewed from the outside looking in.
Narcissists are generally wholly unable to act empathically or altruistically towards others without gain or benefit for themselves.
The act however selfless it initially appears, will alway, ALWAYS be driven and devised for personal gain, ego, to be recognised, envied or idolised by others and ultimately to reaffirm their own idea of superiority and grandiosity.
The seemingly generous act is always the side effect, not the intention and just a means for them to furnish their ego.
It must be hard to bear, but it’s nothing personal. It’s nothing that you have done neither is it because of who you are.
Narcissists act rampantly and without prejudice. Treating everyone they come across as a potential crutch to exploit and feed their ego.
Unfortunately, it’s probably a compliment to someones character to have a narcissist attach themselves. As it’s the most decent and empathetic of people that unwittingly attract the narcissist as they have the most the offer them, I guess because we inherently try to see the best in people and therefore put up with them for the longest allowing them to fed their egos at the cost of ours vs the less empathetic who don’t even entertain them and show them the door without hesitation!
why do you want a relationship with her? she’s fucking horrid.
The best thing you can do is not play into her narrative. Live you life as you see fit. People who are mentally unwell are very difficult to deal with and when they are so reactive, you need to give yourself space. Their narrative is often untrue and they do this to make themselves feel better. They find it difficult to accept the truth. I’m sorry you are in this position but honestly, it’s for the best that they want a pause, or space in your relationship. Don’t respond to her lengthy, blaming texts again. Let sleeping dogs lay
Come hang out with us at r/raisedbynarcissists
I have bipolar disorder, as did my father. My father was very much like your mother. When I was diagnosed, I was very afraid that I would become my father.
But I didn’t. Bipolar Disorder is not someone’s fault, but their actions are still their responsibility. The disorder doesn’t make you do (frankly) evil things to your children, like lock them in a dark bathroom or pin them down and tickle them until they cry (my father literally did both of those things to me, too). This disorder requires patience and understanding, but it doesn’t require everyone else you know to suffer from it.
I have grown children now (20 and nearly 18). They both still live at home while attending college. I’m still very close to them. I have never raised my voice or hand to them because, no matter how I felt inside, I remembered how much I love them and want the best for them. I know the world will hurt them (it already has: their father died when they were young); I don’t ever want to add an ounce of pain to that pile.
As to my father, I ultimately cut contact with him about a decade ago. I sincerely miss having a father, but he can’t give that to me; he never could. He brought nothing but chaos and pain into my world, and my decision to cut him off was mostly based upon my own children: I wouldn’t let him hurt them like he hurt me.
You handled this situation the right way; there was nothing better that you could have done, and I suspect this is likely all punishment that related back to you initially canceling plans because you were sick. For now, I’d do as she wishes: don’t contact her. Wait and let her contact you when / if she wants to do so, and then go from there.