This morning I asked for a hug and some affection while we had a lull in our normal routine trying to get the kids out the door. Nothing crazy, just a moment for each other before the day starts. I was met with a sigh and an annoyed “I guess.” Ultimately we hugged for a few seconds, and then they pushed off and went to do something else. Beggars can’t be choosers, right? I’m curious if anyone else runs into this type of response and how it affects you?
I know there are good times and bad times, but it genuinely feels like more often than not, it’s a burden to show affection. And it’s hard not to think about how I wouldn’t even imagine responding in the same fashion if I was asked the same question.
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My wife and I both do this from time to time. Sometimes it’s hard to switch your brain off for even 5 seconds to get a hug in.
I’m hoping that generally you each do show affection in this way and other ways.
It’s just that sometimes when in the middle of something, it can be a distraction. I also understand that it’s a necessary and sometimes beneficial distraction to keep things in perspective.
An example for me would be….
I’m driving home from work going over and over in my mind about food prep to begin cooking as soon as I walk in the door because we have company coming. As I walk through the door head for the fridge to get ingredients, pull out the cutting board, and grab my knife, my wife walks up and wants a hug and to talk about our day. It’s honestly the last thing on my mind because I’m feeling a lot of pressure to get things done. So my initial reaction isn’t always the best. But I always accommodate and then she usually asks, “How can I help”. 🙂
This is tough because I think we can all be guilty of this. But I get it. My wife used to constantly push me away or was too busy. But as soon as she knew I was getting ready to do something, she wanted my attention. All the pushing away has led to me not even trying anymore. Sometimes I want to, but the feeling of rejection really gets to me. Especially from the person who I want to and chose to give my love to, and she doesn’t even want it.
I love this sub so much. I’m not happy that you are dealing with this, but I am fascinated by how other couples interact.
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> how I wouldn’t even imagine responding in the same fashion
I’m with you. I can’t imagine it. I would have to be on the phone with a client or otherwise really not present to act that way. It would make me really unhappy, I think. So I can see why it bothers you.
I am a very physically affectionate person and my husband is very receptive to it. There are definetly times where I am overwhelmed and don’t want to be touched and there are times where he doesn’t feel like cuddling. We just let each other know and respect each other. I’ve never felt bad for wanting or not wanting affection and we just give non physical instead.
Male perspective: It’s taken me a while to get here but I’ve come to realize my wife and I see affection differently. She needs to feel the love and wants hugs and kisses to feel it but to me everything physical is foreplay. She will kiss my neck or bite my ear sometimes when I’m sitting down and it used to make me mad because those acts are sexual to me (wouldn’t make me mad if they were escalated, but that’s not what I’m talking about) and to her she was just showing affection. Took me a while to realize I NEED to give her the physical affection she needs always or I won’t get the physical relief I need later.
Communicate your needs and recognize how different we are.
Edited: the wording sounds like I give her affection JUST so I can get sex. I give her affection because she needs affection and I love her. It just so happens that my reluctance to give her that affection used to contribute to my lack of overall satisfaction, if that makes sense.
I am like this sometimes, if I am in a grumpy mood or if I am in the middle of a task or something I can be very hyper focused on it and I don’t want affection at that time because that is like a different brain mode. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well. My husband on the other hand, he seems like he ALWAYS welcomes affection unless he is very angry which is understandable. We are just different people that way, so I don’t think you should necessarily compare yourself (like what would I do) because he isn’t you!
If this happens occasionally, I would just chalk it up to bad mood or timing. If this happens a lot, then that is another story.
In that case, I would ask yourself this question. Has your husband ALWAYS been this way? Have you been the one to initiate the affection? Is this new or has this always been this way?
If he has always been this way, then you married a person who is not affectionate. That doesn’t mean he can’t make an effort and try to improve this, but for some people this doesn’t come naturally. There might be a compromise that works, but you might never get as much affection as you would like, and it seems like a compromise means BOTH sides have to accept that it won’t be perfect. In this case, you need to talk to him and tell him what is missing for you. Tell him specifically what you want him to do. Ask him if he is willing to meet you in the middle. Find out why he is this way, maybe it was his upbringing and he didn’t get much affection as a child, I’m sure he has his reasons. Understanding his perspective and how the affection makes him feel would be helpful too if he is willing to open up about it!
If this is new behavior, or has gotten significantly worse, and he has not been like this all along, then the next question is – is this a personal issue your husband has (is he going through something, a recent trauma, depression, loss of a job, a lot of stress, etc.), or is he resentful towards you?
If this is his personal issue, then I think as a wife, you need to tell him that he seems different. That you are worried about him. Explain all the ways he has changed, and what you have observed. Keep the focus on HIM and not on what you are missing for now. Ask him if something is bothering him, encourage him to address it with therapy or whatever depending on what the issue is. In other words, focus on giving him some support so he will hopefully he will recognize that he is going through something and take action on his end to help himself.
If you don’t think there is any explanation that is personal to him, then I would assume he is resentful about something and he has a problem with you. Maybe it is something he has told you about, and has not been resolved. Maybe it is something he has not even shared with you. Maybe your marriage has been on the rocks, in which case, this behavior makes a lot of sense. So – ask him. Ask him if he has an problem with you, tell him it feels like he is pushing you away, ask him if he has some unresolved issue, and then really listen to what he says…
Never.
I don’t think my husband has ever refused me a hug or done so with attitude. I’m sorry your spouse is unaffectionate
I am guilty of doing this to my husband. I am an overthinker and generally anxious about everything – nightmare. Sometimes he will come to me for affection and I will say NO even though I don’t mean to. It usually is due to me having something on my mind and me doing the annoying overthinking thing about it – we think I have ADHD. Luckily he doesn’t get offended, we have spoke about it lots and he knows it’s not because I think negatively of him in anyway. I still fancy him massively after 8.5 years. My brain just can’t really multitask sometimes. I would recommend you trying to do something for you both where you have to concentrate on each other and nothing else – easier said than done. But you will get affection believe me.
Me and my husband are pretty affectionate people. The ONLY times he gets snippy with me if I want affection is if I’m being annoying about it (like, if he has to leave and I’ve said “oh before you go just one more kiss!” Like 6 times haha). I get snippy with him a lot more often, not because I don’t want the connection but because I’m a SAHM to a barnacle baby and a jealous toddler so… touched out is an understatement lol.
For both of us tho we almost immediately apologize for being snippy and explain why we don’t have it in us at that time (or take a beat and give a compromise.
This is the default experience for me. 95% of the time any physical contact or affection I initiate is treated like a chore by my wife. We don’t even have kids, and she used to be much more affectionate prior to marriage, so I haven’t the faintest idea why this is happening.
Never, but we don’t have children so I’d imagine the dynamic is different.
It took my husband a while to get used to it because he simply wasn’t accustomed to getting non-sexual physical affection. He’s honestly not big on touching at all, wouldn’t even get a massage to save his life kind of thing. But he really enjoys the affection in our relationship now that he’s not mildly scared and uncomfortable about it.
Have you spoken to your husband about how his response makes you feel when you’re just looking to connect with him?
Most of the time when I hug my wife she just stands there like a statue and doesn’t hug back. She never initiates.
No, but I married someone who speaks the same love language. We both crave touch and intimacy, both to give it and to receive it. It’s a big part of how we give love and how we feel loved. There are of course sexual touches, but many non sexual touches throughout the day. Holding hands, stroking his face, being curled up on the couch with my legs in his lap. It would probably be an unbearable amount of affection for some, but it’s a huge part of how we communicate and love each other
Yes. It’s honestly so annoying that my wife can’t give me 5min of her day. I am about to pull heavily back and make her start to chase me. It’s starting to get old. She has time to go get her nails done, go shop, do her hobbies, but when I ask for 5min of her time she sighs and acts like she’s too busy. I think I have made myself too available to her.
Only when I do it on purpose but then I understand the annoyance and don’t get offended. Just give her a playful wink and walk away
I’m very guilty of doing this to my husband but trying to get better.
She might be overstimulated and touched out. This is so common and a hard balance with kiddos!
my husband will never turn down hugs/kisses but he barely initiates. it has made me distant and i have withdrawn myself. physical affection is my primary love language and i dont mean just sex but other forms of affection.
Dude it’s life, no one is perfect, and we are all dealing with different degrees of stress
Don’t get caught up on this, just let it go and move on
Yes, but it doesn’t matter if she’s busy or not (as some others have pointed out). We could be doing nothing at the moment or leaving for the day, right before bed, RIGHT AFTER SEX; doesn’t matter. Any affection, at any time annoys her. She “doesn’t mind” holding hands occasionally, like if we’re sitting in church or on a long walk on the beach or something, but it’s just for me. She gets nothing out of it but annoyance.
Never. Not once in almost 13 years together has my husband ever been annoyed or made me feel bad for asking for or needing affection. It comes completely naturally and we kiss/hug/ touch throughout the day. I always welcome his touch and same with him.
We hug and kiss every time one of us comes or goes from the house. Sometimes simply passing in the house we stop and do it. I was thinking of this when I left my wife a note on her steering wheel this morning that read “thank you for making me feel loved.”
No, honestly never for either of us. We always welcome affection from one another.
Was a bit overwhelmed a few days ago by stress of work,life and major water and termite damage to our house. I asked to get a hug. Indifference was the answer. Not a no,not a not right now,not a maybe later. Just ignored. Didn’t bat an eye or even acknowledge I asked. Kinda hurt to tell you the truth.
Context. We are currently separated,but trying to work thru things. No we haven’t been in an argument for close to two weeks.
Sometimes I get annoyed with my husband, which is ironic because I’m very touchy-feely (only with him), but also adhd and if he touches me while I’m busy (including actively thinning) I’ll act disgusted or annoyed without meaning to. He just distracted me, or touched me in a moment where I wasn’t expecting it and it takes me a second to pivot my brain from one thing to the other. That’s a me problem though so I make sure to mediate that response and not make him feel bad, and he does try to wait until my attention has shifted until he touches me.
I hate physical affection unless the mood is right, but my husband and daughter need it constantly, so I usually have to force myself to accept the interaction and engage in a somewhat affectionate manner towards them because they have differing needs and ai understand that. It sucks cause 6 out of 10 times because they use their affection as a distraction to get something. My daughter is infamous for asking for a hug and then grabbing something as she retreats or asking for something immediately afterwards. My husband is the same and doesn’t know how to be still, so whenever I try and cuddle, it ends up with him petting me down like a cat, and it makes me bristle. Then I move away, and he gets all butthurt. They can get very demanding for it as well, like my daughter (and husband) will literally latch onto me and start whining if I don’t give them a kiss or hug. It causes me to feel defensive, but no matter what I tell them about it, their behavior remains the same, so I’ve just kind of begrudgingly accepted it. But at the price that it will be awkward and likely end in rejection.
Really, the only people I feel comfortable showing affection towards are my parents and siblings. That’s because they are like me and rarely display a need for it, so whenever they do, it means they actually just want some interaction and nothing more. We probably look weird to outsiders because sometimes we just rustle each other’s hair or palm each other’s heads and walk away. Hugs are usually reserved for greetings and comfort during distress. My dad shows affection by throwing balled up paper at us. It’s probably why we have such fast reflexes now. If we catch/block it, we get a chance to toss it back and he will fall dramatically. It’s always funny.
Yes but it’s normally when he’s stressed or busy. So I try to get over it because every other time he feels me up while hugging and makes me feel loved 😁
Sometimes I’m the same way, it’s hard to forget everything going on and chill out for a sec to get some affection
Yes, and I think it means they are distancing themselves from you. Avoiding you for whatever reason. Emotional disconnection. Etc.