Title: financially dependent \*\* (spelling error)
My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years now and I love our relationship and what we have going on. I love his family too, they are all really sweet and kind people! But the only problem is that his mom didn’t set herself up financially over the years and now she is in her mid 50s and lives paycheck to paycheck. She is single and didn’t have a lot of help from my boyfriends dad over the years.
She doesn’t have a retirement savings plan, she doesn’t own her own home (just pays rent), and she is in debt with a line of credit of about $8,000CAD.
Now, my boyfriend is considered the “man” of the family because he is her only kid. She is constantly asking to borrow money from him, but she never pays him back and he doesn’t ask for it back because he knows she is pretty poor. So he willingly gives her money every time and it is hard for him because he feels like he can’t get ahead and save because of it. He pays for her phone bill every month and he will send her extra money to help her bills. He talks about wanting to buy her a new vehicle because she has an old jeep that doesn’t run great.
She just got bad news that the house she is renting is going up for sale and she’s worried she will get kicked out if the new owners want to live in there, so now my boyfriend is considering spending all of his tax-free savings on a down deposit to buy the house for her and pay the mortgage so that she can live there basically for free.
I know he loves her and feels that he has to help her (in a way, he does or else she would basically go further in debt or become homeless). And I feel really bad for him because he works so hard to make money but he has next to nothing to show for all his hard work because he is always sending her money (usually every other week she will ask to ‘borrow’ $50-$300 and it adds up over the years).
I have this fear deep down that this is going to affect us in the long run financially. Unless we just keep our finances completely separate I guess but I don’t know how that all works if we plan to buy a house together some day or get a joint bank account, just typical relationship stuff like that.
I also have no idea what is going to happen when she needs to retire because she’s too old to work. My boyfriend was basically saying that he will have to take care of her because if she doesnt have a retirement savings plan and can’t work, then she won’t have any income. I know this is hard for him because he wants to get ahead for himself but he feels like he can’t as long as he has to support her financially.
For example, we were supposed to plan a trip abroad for next year, but now he can’t go because he needs to spend his savings on a down deposit to buy this house for his mom. I still want to travel because i’ve been waiting to do this trip for a few years now. But Im sad that he can’t make it work.
Any advice?
5 comments
You’re right to be concerned, unless he is wealthy it will absolutely hurt your life financially. Now imagine having a baby and trying to afford maternity leave, or child care.
He’s told you how it will be, he’s been clear. Odds are you’re going to end up living with her, it’s coming. Is this the life you want?
He’s probably gonna take care of his mother for the rest of her life, he does not seem like the person who will let her just figure it out, although she really should have done that along time ago. The only choices he has now to be able to afford her and you together is to make significantly more money.
And the only choices that you have is to hope that happens, or to find someone who has independent or dead parents.
If you’ve been with him as long as you have, you already know that nothing will ever change. He’s her only child and because she’s been unable to financially support herself, and obviously didn’t earn her own income or had child or financial support from his father or any other relationships she may have had, he is now her only source of income.
If you proceed any further and consider getting married, or having a child, nothing will change. The only thing that would happen would be that he would be exponentially stressed by all of the financial obligations. And for the most part, if you married him, she would also become your financial responsibility as well. You best believe she will either live with you or will be watching your child every day because she’s not going anywhere. They are a package deal. You are in for the duration, or, you end things while you still can.
I left an ex for this- it’s honorable to support his family but I wanted someone without that baggage. I didn’t want to be the villain in his life forcing him to cut off his parents so he could invest in our life together so I broke up with him. If she doesn’t end up living with you your man is still going to put her first financially and it’s going to be twice as hard to do the fun things he wants to do with you, which may mean that those things don’t happen. I would take a long, hard look at his realistic earning potential and see what kind of life the two of you will be able to afford if 30-50% of his income is going to be used to support someone else.
How much of his income is he spending on her?
You do realize it will only increase as she ages, right?