My partner has two sides.
The first is charismatic, chivalrous, and kind. He takes care of me when I’m sick, brings me gifts and flowers just because he feels like it, knows my favourite snacks and is the only person who makes me feel better when I’m lonely or anxious. This is the part that makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy to think about, and that I know I’d never be able to replace.
The second is unmotivated, stagnant. He works a part time job and just started university but doesn’t know what he wants to do with it, and basically has no aspirations. I have to guide him through life, remind him of appointments, chores, and homework and I feel like a mother.
I recognize that the part of him I love is just how he treats me, while the aspects that annoy me are who he is as a person. And that alone should tell me that I need to leave him, that I love only his actions and not who he is. But the thought of breaking up makes me so sad it feels like a mistake.
I don’t know what to do, has anyone been in this situation? He’s the only person I’ve ever loved this way but I can’t see a life with him as he is now.
Before anyone asks: I haven’t talked to him about this in particular, I don’t think it’s possible nor is it right to ask your partner to change who they are just to suit you. I have asked him if he wants me to get him a day planner to help with homework and appointments but he’s adamantly against it. I know he himself is sad about not having direction in his life, but he’s not doing anything about it either. I do think that everything I would want him to change is in his control but it isn’t my place to ask him to do that and would probably make things worse, I could see myself becoming more of a nag/slavedriver.
1 comment
Please listen to your gut. What’s missing is huge and could definitely be a serious problem long-term, trust me. At the very least you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest about how you feel and about your concerns. *Our relationships are only as real as we are*, you’ve got a major withhold here, and how that conversation goes will be very telling about the future of your relationship.
Besides, I’m sure there are plenty of men out there who will also treat you well **and** be more self-motivating — and it can be scary to leave what you know for what you don’t know.