Any advice helps. My boyfriend (M22) and I (F20) have been in a relationship for 1 & 1/2 years. The beginning of our relationship was perfect, we made plans, went out on dates, & spent most of our free time together. We both have a very high sex drive which worked well. The only issue begin since the start of our relationship he has only eaten me out once. We have discussed it but he has never given me a real anwser. However that is not the main problem or point of this post.

Around 3-4 months ago my boyfriend sat me down to have a serious talk regarding our relationship & sex life. He complained that my vagina was no longer as tight as it used to be & suggested I use kegels or “squeezing him tighter”. He also mentioned that I don’t dirty talk him, along with a few other things that were non sexual. When he said this I was heartbroken, I literally didn’t know what to say. I lied to him and say it was okay and I would try to make sex better for him. And after that I really did attempt to make our sex lives better. I basically did anything he asked (consenting of course) because I felt I had to prove myself.

Recently about 2 months ago we just stopped having sex completely, besides one exception which was not satisfying for either of us, just very uncomfortable & awkward. He couldn’t stay hard & I just wanted to stop. I have no sexual confidence anymore, but the problem is I’m unbelievablely horny. I’m very sexual frusted, and having a high sex drive isn’t making it easier. I masterbate, watch porn & read erotic stories. But nothing seems to keep me from thinking about actual sex. Another things is I’m very nervous of initiating intimacy. I can try if I get the sense my partner is horny as well, but with no reciprocations is feels way to awkward.

Because of this I have been going to bed every night disappointed and almost crying because we have done nothing. He teases me all the time but never follows through. I’m done emotionally and I don’t know how to explain my feelings in a productive way, I just want to yell at him to fuck me. I dont want to break up but i dont know what to do. I just would like advice on my whole situation.

Edit: I know this sucks to hear but currently im not planning on breaking up with him. I’m planning to have a sit down talk with him regarding death grip, cheating & possibly porn addiction. Following up with my boundaries & emotions on the topic. And addressing me lying for the sake of his emotions. Generally our relationship works well, we don’t fight or yell at each over. He has never mistreated me verbally or physically & I’m willing to try to change/improve our relationship. He is aware we are going to talk soon, just not about what.

37 comments

  3. Yeah, this dude’s got porn addiction and/or death grip syndrome.

    Vaginas don’t just randomly “get loose.” He’s fucking with your head, or in denial, or both.

    Your best bet is to just move on before he starts blaming you for any of his other personal problems.

  4. Ok, without even reading your whole post, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR VAGINA.
    This seems like he wanks off a lot and/or tightly grips his member.
    You need to sit and have a talk with him on how he masterbates and to maybe not grip as tight or go a bit without watching porn.

    I’ve been told I’m too “loose” before (one time) and I asked him how he got off, he was gripping his dick so tightly when wanking. I explained to him that no vagina in the world is going to grip his dick like that. So he laid off the porn and stopped wanking as much, and as hard, and we’re fine now.

    You are not the issue here.

  5. F here! Girl the red flags and flagging, if your man of one and half years doesn’t even go down on you to begin with, starts complaining about your body part that you don’t even have control of.. he sounds like an entitled toxic man. Us girls go through so much hormonally and mentally and these things are out of our control and these things can affect our body. Going through monthly periods and getting our lives together at the same time, girl your man is Toxic. You can’t make your vagina tight just because your man wants it to be tight, vagina tends to loosen up when we are horny, and it’s normal. And you can’t let these things keep you awake at night. Your body is perfect just the way it is, don’t change for anybody. That’s my advice for you. If he can’t accept you for who you are politely ask him to FUCK OFF!

  6. >he has only eaten me out once. We have discussed it but he has never given me a real anwser.

    🚩 He isn’t interested in giving you pleasure in a way you like and hasn’t properly communicated why.

    >He complained that my vagina was no longer as tight as it used to be

    🚩 He believes in the myth that vaginas become loose after either “too much PIV” or childbirth, which is damaging and sexist. Your value and what you bring to the bedroom is not based on how tight you are. And frankly, your vagina is *fine*. Guys will typically say this because often the real issue is they can’t feel much, which may indicate he either masturbates too frequently or possibly has an unknown medical issue.

    >I lied to him and say it was okay and I would try

    🚩 Don’t ever do this. I know it’s hard because you love him and want him to love and respect you, but this is not the way it works. Draw boundaries. It’s OK to tell him: “Hey, that’s very hurtful and I don’t appreciate it. Don’t talk to me like that.”

    >Recently about 2 months ago we just stopped having sex completely,

    🚩 More than likely, and I hate to say it, external stimuli (e.g. porn) has taken over in the relationship (probably even more on his side) and replaced the intimacy between you, and you’re both at an impasse now waiting for the other to initiate.

    He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t care about your pleasure, he was cruel and thoughtless with his comments about your body, he isn’t honest enough to consider *he* might have an issue here, you don’t feel secure enough to draw boundaries, and you’re both likely miserable and unfulfilled. You don’t deserve to go to bed every night crying.

    It isn’t your responsibility to fix him. Either address this together in therapy or leave. It isn’t worth staying in this situation, I can promise you that!

  8. I will never understand women’s fear of initiating intimacy. You’ll literally go to be crying due to sexual frustration rather than just give him a kiss here, a touch there and whisper in his ear that you want him.

    Sounds to me.like you’re incompatible. He’s got some death grip issues going on I’m sure, or he’s just not very well endowed. Personally I’ve never had an issue with lack of tightness and I’m just average sized.

  10. He may be experiencing a bit of erectile dysfunction and trying to make it your fault. A 20 yo vagina that’s had no babies can’t be that loose.

  11. He kinda sounds like a dick. It’s highly unlikely you’ve gotten looser as he claims at 20. I’ve been with my wife for over 30 yrs, she’s had 2 kids naturally and is now 50. Sure her vagina has changed a little with age (as is normal) but she’s not really much different than when she was in her 20s and no complaints here. If you’re really horny and turned on you may be wetter and the expansion of the vagina (tenting) may make you feel looser to him due to the lubrication and lower friction but that doesn’t mean you’re looser. I wouldn’t continue to waste time with a guy who isn’t compatible with your needs. Lots of guys out there would would be happy to satisfy you. This is a him problem not a problem with you.

  13. Tightness is not a thing. Your vagina is a certain size, period. His penis is a certain size, period.

    What does change is what you both are conditioned to need as a sensation to orgasm. Sounds like the issue is with him since he is the one complaining it doesn’t feel good. As others have mentioned, intense masturbation has probably taken over and is ruining his ability to feel much during normal sex. Or some other issue…with HIM.

    Blaming you, not catering to your needs whatsoever, and treating you like dirt is not good and that is why you should dump this guy before you waste more time with him. This is not a healthy dynamic.

    I’ve had two kids and one of their heads was so huge i almost had to have a C-section. Both my kids gave me 2nd degree tears and I had to have stitches. If that doesn’t ruin a vagina nothing will girl. My husband still has to think about baseball or his grandma or whatever in order to not finish first when we have sex.

    So, this is not a you problem, this is definitely a HIM problem and he’s also being an asshole to you. Not keeper imo.

  16. You’re not happy, he isn’t happy, and you make it sound like a hostage situation.

    He has his head up his own ass with nonsense and is failing to communicate. His unrealistic expectations need to be grounded.

    You need to communicate your needs as well. Don’t lie just to make him feel better. If he is anything like me he will take what you say at face value which will prevent him from putting the thought into making changes that will be good for the both of you.

    If you can’t properly communicate reasonable expectations or either of you are unwilling to make changes to meet those expectations, then take the L, call him a lousy lay or shrimp dick, and move on. If nothing changes all I foresee is resentment and infidelity from one or both of you.

    (As someone in a relationship full of resentment, I don’t recommend it.)

  17. At what point in the last year and a half does he think he permanently destroyed your vagina? Is he implying that someone else did? Does he believe you’ve performed some kind of vagina witchcraft to sabotage your sexual “value” to him?

    /s, kinda. I’d sit him down and ask him though. (actually, I’d dump his ass, but whatever). Try to find out EXACTLY what he’s trying to imply with this (unreasonable) accusation.

  19. Maybe you need to confirm his comment with someone else and report back that it’s actually him..? No way you’re all of sudden loose, he’s a d-bag! I mean, you could also have another guy tell him how tight you are and how great you feel, see how he takes it! Eye for eye tooth for tooth. Hit him where it hurts.

  20. Annoys me when guys say a woman isn’t tight enough. Such a disrespectful thing to say. If I was female I know what my reply would be to it. Followed by a we’re done.

  22. He’s a moron. You are turned on. Don’t suppose that’ll be happening much now you’re self conscious about it.

    So don’t worry. You’ll defo feel tighter to him when you’re too self conscious to enjoy it.

  24. 1st red flag is to insult you with telling you it’s too loose, even if you guys start having sex again this issue will always sit with you, maybe leave

  25. > I lied to him and say it was okay and I would try to make sex better for him.

    This is a big problem and I want to emphasize, this will kill your sex life and poison the relationship more than anything else. Successful relationships are ones where people are fully honest with each other so that you can resolve problems.

    I’ve been with partners who held back information from me like this, and those relationships not only ended, but often ended after great suffering. Now I’m happily married and my wife is really open with me about anything that is frustrating her, whether related to sex, or otherwise, and it’s great. Our sex life is amazing. On top of that, our relationship is amazing too, we are able to handle all sorts of challenges. It’s why we decided to get married.

    It doesn’t surprise me that your sex life has died, if you aren’t being up-front with your boyfriend.

    At the same time, it’s not constructive to blame yourself here. The way you describe him talking to you doesn’t sound super respectful. So it’s not clear to me how much of this is you taking offense unnecessarily, vs. him being rude or lacking empathy with how he presented his concerns to you in the first place.

    As to how to proceed? If I were in your position, I’d reflect on the relationship to the first time that you were less than fully honest with him, reflect on what you were *really* thinking, and what you remember actually telling him, and then go to him and apologize. Tell him what you were really thinking back then, apologize for not sharing that with him then, and maybe also explain to him the pressures you were facing, like why you felt afraid to be honest with him or why you held back. (This is important because there may have been things he did that made it harder for you to feel safe opening up, and you want to give him the opportunity to make you more comfortable. If you approach the conversation from a place of you apologizing and taking responsibility for what you did wrong here, it will make it much more likely that he also reflects on things he may have done wrong too.)

    Then see what he has to say and go from there.

    You may also emphasize what you want. Tell him that you feel horny a lot and that you are really attracted to him and that you wish you could have sex more.

  26. Young 20s F here, I suggest you initiate as much as you feel comfortable. You should also communicate your current needs and feelings. There’s a couple red flags: him only eating you out once (communicate the desire for more oral) and him saying you’re “loose.”

    The vagina “loosens”/expands and gets wet when you are aroused and the cervix rises all to accommodate a penis. If he thinks you’re “loose” it probably just means you’re aroused and ready for sex. The fact that he used that term is insanely rude. Like I said, communicate your current needs and feelings and if he disregards or continues on with his current behavior say bye and break up with him.

  27. Girl, he doesn’t like you no more, he don’t even respect you with the things he say! U should stay alone, to be free to find someone who will loves you!

  28. So many red flags on this. Honestly you need better boyfriend that actually cares to give you enjoyment in sex also.

  29. Nah it’s not you. I’m 40 and still tight. I do kegels and I’m sure that helps. But the big thing is the guy not masturbating a lot. Or if he’s cheating. He’s still young and maybe wants to break up but doesn’t want to hurt you. You both need to communicate. It’s good he already tried but not good he’s assuming it’s your vagina. You can’t communicate by making assumptions. Now that you’ve asked here, you can suggest that maybe it’s his masturbating habits and go from there.

  32. He’s either obsessively jacking off to porn or he’s fucking other chicks behind your back or he’s monstrously insecure about his performance so he’s putting the blame on you.

    Either way, I would cut my losses and move on. I would understand if you two were together for just a month or two but a year and a half and he’s acting like *this?*. And when you try to bring it up, he’s dodging the subject?

    Girl, run.

  36. Your vagina has not suddenly gotten loose. He’s probably been jerking off way too much and has developed death grip syndrome.

  37. He sounds like he jerks off so much he’s used to his kung fu grip , you deserve better

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