In the beginning of our 9 month long relationship we used to send each other good morning, goodnight text messages and talk daily several times a day but it seems like has has been becoming more and more distant. The first time I addressed it with him, he told me, that I was living in his heart, and that there was no distance between us and that he loves me, and he was busy at that time and that he would talk to me later, In another instance he stopped talking to me suddently, for a good four days when before that we would talk every single day and of course it was very alarming as I thought he was ghosting me. He comes back 4 days later and he tells me he is sorry, he loves me and that he because of his job he did not look at my “news. It seems like the same issues keep happaning and he keeps telling me that he busy due to his job and that is the reason why he does not talk to me for 2 to 3 days.
During the past thanksgiving holidays he not talking to me for days but then sent me a message wishing me a happy thanksigiving, he told me he loves me, and he told me not to worry about him, and that he would always loves me, he is telling me that he will spare time to come visit me (its been 9 months of us talking, long distance and have never met him in person), and he makes all these promises like he telling me we will always be together. Thursday night he sends me a good night text message after he got home, but then he disappears again and I have not heard from him since thanksgiving. It seems to be a continous issue. My first instinct is that he is very avoidant, and I thought maybe it was a trauma process, now I am thinking he might be doing this on purpose and treating me like im an option, I am thinking maybe he is already in a relationship and is using me as a backup. I do not want to make any assumptions, but I feel like I have to guess because everytime I ask him he says he is fine and not to worry about him even though he disappears for days.
I do not want to ghost him because I would kill me to do that. I do not know he is able to disappear for days and not even check on me at all for that period of time. But the last message I sent him was telling him how much it bothers me when he disappears for days, the words I used was that “it feels like a knife stabbing my heart” . He has not seen or replied to my message yet and the next time I hear from him I think I will just ask him if we can be friends at least for now, because I do not want to have such high expectations and believe all his false promises and then be completely heartbroken and disappointed when he does not fullfill his promises. I do not trust what he is saying anymore. Its like dreaming about a fantasy or something that may never happen. Even though I really do feel like he has all the qualities I am looking for, it seems like clearly he has other qualities that I am not looking for. I do not know what is going on, but regardless I really do not deserve to be treated this way. How do I approach this situation? Is this acceptable behavior? Am I overreacting?
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I am very anxiously attached and he seems very avoidant? How do I approach this conversation without sounding like I am attacking him? I honestly do want to keep the door open for a potential relationship in the future when he treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
TDLR: My partner has become distant with me and talks to me only once every 3 days.
19 comments
There’s really no point in bringing this up, he’s set his boundaries and he’s not changing. If you’re not okay with that this relationship is pointless. That’s far too little contact for me but everyone is different.
Does he really have all the qualities you’re looking for if you’ve been together for almost a year, haven’t met yet, and he talks to you like 2 times a week? That’s not how you build a relationship. From your post history this has been a problem for a very long time, nothing is going to change.
I did long distance for 8 years, we spoke everyday (barring certain times/reasons that we couldn’t). I wouldn’t accept what he’s expecting you to, although of course it’s dependent on each person’s needs for communication. He is clearly not fulfilling yours.
This is not a relationship. He doesn’t want what you want.
This is not your partner. You have never met this man in person. This is someone who messages with you to spice up his day-to-day. When he’s busy / has other things going, he doesn’t need the spice. Like you said, this relationship is a fantasy, not real life.
Drop the psychoanalysing too – you don’t know him and can’t make statements about his attachment style.
>I honestly do want to keep the door open for a potential relationship in the future when he treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
This is complete fantasy too. If you’re not getting what you need in 9 months, he is not the person for you. Don’t go into a relationship thinking you can mold the other person to what you need. It NEVER works.
If you want a relationship, a partner, meet in person within two months of knowing (max).
Unfortunately this man shows he does not respect or value your needs. Long distance is hard as it is but you need both partners actively trying to make sure the other feels heard and loved no matter the distance. A man saying he couldn’t make time for at least 1hr during the day to chat with you and give you feel good conversation shows you exactly where his priorities are. It may be really work or it may be a whole other relationship…either way you deserve someone who can give you the time and love you need. I wish the best for you in the process!
I’d recommend just calling it off for now until he or someone else can show you just what you been looking for. I also just want to remind you that what you ask of him has been the bare minimum of what he should be doing, I manifest you find someone who will reciprocate your energy in the best ways.
You’ve never met before in person?
I would take a minute to really reflect on what you’re looking for here.
You’re in your thirties and a long distance relationship with someone you’ve not even met, who isn’t that into you doesn’t seem like a good use of our limited time on this planet.
Find something with a hope of a future and there’s probably a much better chance of one.
You’ve never met this person, the could be Anyone.
You haven’t sent him money have you?
Wake up please.. it takes two seconds to text or a few mins on the phone. No one is that busy. This guy has a whole other life, probably wife and kids. When someone loves you, they want to talk to you, and they want to hear your voice and make some sort of connection.
What you have is a pen pal. Maybe a married one.
Never met in person is all you need to say. Stop wasting your time.
The last time someone basically ghosted me for any longer than 4 days, I took it as a sign that he wasn’t interested and started moving on.
No one is THAT busy 24/7 that they can’t send a quick text here and there every day. People make time for those they want to make time for, and you are not on his list of priorities.
Add to that you’re long distance? Yeah, this isn’t a relationship. This is him using you as a person he talks too when he feels like it. Someone his age likely also has a wife and/or family, so that would explain why he’s so distant with you. He can’t keep in contact all the time without risking getting caught.
Stop wasting your time with him.
That’s not your partner, that’s a stranger.
You’re too old for this. Start over by finding someone local.
Break it off. I promise, you will feel better or at the most, the same way you do now. You’re not going to feel worse. Right now you’re hoping to hear from him. Once you break it off, you take the power back and you won’t feel quite as bad because you won’t be hoping or expecting to hear from him. My intuition says this guy is playing you and using you for someone to talk to when he is bored or lonely. Fuck thatttt. I’m sorry.
He’s in another relationship.
It’s impossible to truly know someone until you meet them in real life. I know this from experience – I’ve made the mistake before of texting someone I met off a dating every all day, every day, for weeks. When we finally met he was completely different in person to how he seemed online. If you were to ever meet this guy in person it would be the same for you too. Also, the fact that he’s not consistent with his messaging means that he’s simply not that interested. I promise you – men will move heaven and earth to talk to the people they love and care about.
Run ! He has a main chick! Trust me, I am going through right now after 5 fucking years. His man gf of 8 years called me last Monday, me and him were supposed to go to Temecula while he would be missing for her and then when we came back he was missing the rest of the week because he spent thanks giving with her. We both found out we are each others other woman.
This man sounds just like mine. Is his name Carlos? lol joke.
Anywho, run! Run to the hills! It’s hard but it’s better than wasting your time. HE HAS OTHER WOMEN. YOU ARE ON A ROSTER!!! He will NOT confess and he will string you along promising you he wants to marry you. RUN!🏃🏻♀️
9 months and this is it? it’s already over you just need to realize it