I’m a 31 M (about to be 32) and I haven’t had sex in about 3 years. I’ve been on numerous 1st dates in those three years and had a few relationships, however there was no intimacy or chemistry between me and the women I was dating at the time (not all at the same time mind you, I don’t cheat). After all of that I decided to stop dating and focus on myself, which has been fairly productive with getting therapy and the right medication for me. I’ve been really feeling like I want to get back out there, but at this point I’m not sure if I’m willing to go back on dating apps and I have no confidence in striking up conversations with women at social events and such. And if, by some miracle, I do manage to find things going the intimate route, I’m not sure I’ll have the opportunity to be ready to perform or please the woman I’m with. What advice would y’all give me in this area?
Advice from men and women are welcome.
Thank you all!
Note: I’m nowhere near going down the incel path thankfully, I’m just looking for good advice on how to build my sexual confidence again.
4 comments
It actually is like riding a bicycle (sorry, ladies). But, if you were getting dates before, you likely will get dates again. And if you are medicated better and therapied better, it will likely go better. I say go for it. Nothing special needed.
When you go on a date next time make the move. When over 30 going to eat or drink on the first date in a good option, see how far the evening goes and if you feel chemistry ask if they have wine (or Disney + or something) at home and suggest that you move your date there. But making the suggestion is the critical part, if you just smile and tell that you had a lovely evening and go home, probably nothing happens if both you and the lady are not interested to see again.
Good to remember that a lot of women might want sex or are in the same situation as you. Be proactive and be respective.
And after long pause if you are feeling mental stress about “performing”, your doctor is probably happy to prescribe you 50mg sildenafil. Just be careful, those can cause phychological dependence if you use them often and start to believe that you only can perform with them.
Start small! Approach it as with any ‘big goal’– stop focusing on the sexual part and not performing etc. Your first goal is just to talk to a woman: start a convo, doesn’t have to be perfect, doesn’t have to go anywhere. Find a topic she is interested in, propose topics you are interested in, and see if she asks questions.
Women are just humans. Have a human conversation with ZERO sexual expectations. Once you start viewing dating as just a load of first conversations and meetings with fellow humans, it becomes soooo much easier.
Start small and slow. Have low expectations. Maintain your self-confidence always. Have low-pressure, easy first dates– nothing elaborate! Coffee, a drink at a normal bar (not a sexy date night low-lit bar full of dressed up people), walks, museum, etc.
The sex aspect will take care of itself when the time comes. Don’t rush to it given your current fears, but go slow, don’t think about it, and let things progress naturally when the time comes. Have the confidence that things will take care of themselves. Best of luck!!
On sex, Viagra, and keep it light and fun.