Basically, gf and I have been together for about a year and things have been great, about 2 weeks ago she brought up that she hadn’t been with many people before me and would possibly want to experiment with other people, either with me involved (participating) or without me, depending on what I was comfortable with. This was jarring to me because I have never even considered ever being with anyone else since I started dating her and I really believe she is the one for me, I said I needed time to think about it. We talked about it again yesterday, she said she would want to try both with and without me involved but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. I told her I had come to the conclusion this is something I could be okay with and into if I was involved but I don’t see any possibility of me being okay with her sleeping with someone else and me not being involved at all. I think all of this seems pretty reasonable and okay with me (for the most part, I was still hurt by the whole situation but I could at least understand where she was coming from) I said something along the lines of “I’m sure you understand and you would feel the same way if things were flipped” and her reply was “I can understand where you’re coming from, but if things were the other way around I think I would let you do whatever you need. In a relationship I would be okay as long as you had no emotional connection with someone and it was only a few times.”
Hearing that devastated me, because at least in my idea of a relationship I would never be okay with my girlfriend sleeping with other people. I am so hurt by her saying she would be okay with me doing it. Being with anyone else but her is not something I’m even remotely interested in, and it makes me feel like not good enough or unloved in a way that she would just be okay with me doing that. I’m not sure if this was something she was just saying or if she really really means it (she generally says what she means) How do I move forward in this and tell her how much that hurt me? Is it something I should drop? I feel like an asshole because she said she would give me what I need (which I really don’t need), and now I feel like by not being okay with this I’m not giving her what she needs.
Later in the conversation she realized that this was hurtful to me and she apologized and said we don’t have to drop it and she doesn’t need to do this. If we did drop it completely, will it possibly be something that will haunt us later in our relationship?
Sorry for the long post and appreciate any advice! TLDR: my girlfriend said she was okay with me sleeping with other people and I am devastated by it
40 comments
Both of you are right. Both of you are wrong for each other at this time.
I think it’s absolutely fine and normal for you to be hurt by this. I would be hurt if it was said to me. Don’t feel that you have to hide your feelings from your partner, it’s okay to let her know that what she said has upset you.
This sounds like a difference in kinks. She wishes to have sex with other people, you don’t. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or respect you, or that you’re not enough for her. It’s just a sexual desire.
It sounds like you’re going along with it, to some degree, just to keep her happy. Even if you invite someone into your bedroom and have a sexual experience with your partner and another, will you really be okay with that? Imagine watching your partner be with someone else. Imagine it in detail. Do you enjoy that thought, or does it upset/trouble you? You shouldn’t do something that will make you feel uncomfortable, even if it makes your partner happy. Your feelings are just as valid as hers, her wants should never over-ride your comfort.
I think you need to have a chat with your partner and discuss your sex life. Ask her why it bothers her that she’s not been with a lot of other people, try to get to the root of that issue. Does she want more varied sexual experiences? If so, you could discuss different things that you could try together, things that you will both enjoy.
When a woman suggests open relationship, you give it to her by divorcing her or dumping her.
You are probably incompatible.
Maybe you could ask her why is it a problem for her that she is not experienced? Does she feel insecure, or that she’s missing out? If she feels like she is missing out then you probably have stronger feelings for her than she does for you.
First off, if she brings it up, she already has another guy on the line, or has slept with one. EIther way, she has your replacement ready to go, and it’s over, Brother. Tell her that you have no problem with her sleeping with other people, as she is now single. Then take a break for about 6 years and work on yourself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, Intellectually (school or trade training) and professionally. When you get paid, pay yourself first, as my Dad told me. Put some of it away in savings, then take care of bills, and whatevers left over, that’s what you use for entertainment.
Take this with a grain of salt.
By suggesting that. One can say…She has already cheated on yea. That was said to remove some guilt she is experiencing.
Your relationship isn’t going to be a long term thing with her based on what you said. Take advantage of it and have threesomes with her before it ends. At least have some fun because she definitely is with or without you.
She’s either already cheated or is planning to.
Sounds like right person wrong time for her. I’d let her go/take a break if she wants this. She either needs to either come to terms with it or it will pop up again later. Id ask her what sleeping with new people a few times with zero emotional connection is going to get her and is it worth hurting the person she supposedly loves? Usually when this happens, it’s not totally just sex. They are looking for that excitement a new person gives too so there is a level of emotional connection. Sex with a complete stranger with zero connection at all is awkward. Even a hot one night stand usually involves some level of amazing connection for at least that one night. Are you comfortable with her having that level of attraction and intensity with someone else? I would not be..
You’re young. I know this will bounce off your head right now but she’s just looking to cheat, not feel guilty about it, and keep you there as a fallback. She already knows who she wants to sleep with and it’s already setting it up if she hasn’t already done it.
She wants to have other experiences but doesn’t dislike you. She just can’t bring herself to be honest and respectful of you by letting you go.
Do her (and yourself) a huge favor and break up with her. Do it quickly and without looking back. The you that will meet someone better in 2024 will thank you for having self respect now.
Dude, you are too young for this crap. She wants the comfort of a relationship with you while also being able to act like she is single whenever the mood strikes her. There is a great time to experiment called being single. Put yourself out there, and find someone that is more aligned with you on how a relationship works. Don’t wait for the other shoe to drop.
You are both young and you aren’t comfortable opening up your relationship. I think when conversations like this come up it’s typically time to end the relationship. It either means your significant other will build resentment for not being able to experience what they think they need to, or you will for allowing them to. I think leaving the relationship and giving them time to figure themselves out is the healthiest thing for either of you.
The relationship ended the moment she asked to open the relationship.
There is no coming back from that.
I think it’s hilarious that dudes will jack off to other women their entire relationship, fantasizing about sleeping with other women but get offended if the woman is okay with it. It’s only cool for men if it’s psychological torture.
That’s a big red flag. If she wants to open the relationship she is probably already fucking someone else and just wants permission to keep doing it.
Yeah she wants to sleep with other people with or without him. At least have fun because the chances of he leaving him are pretty good. Have fun enjoy until they break up. She initiated it not him which basically means she is saying I want dick from someone else.
Anytime someone brings up sleeping with other people while in the relationship that person is already doing it. She brought it up to get your permission so she can feel less guilty. The answer you gave was the wrong one. You should have broken up with her in the spot. Now she knows that you care more than her so when you eventually catch her cheating she knows that she can pull you back in and you’ll forgive her. You played yourself. You need to break up asap.
The moment she wants to open the relationship Is the moment you walk out the door. She already has a guy in mind most probably or has already slept with someone. Don’t stay in this.
Shes trying to make what she wants ok by creating a situation where you’re “doing the same thing” lol. Its kind of pathetic IMO. She should just end it with you and experience all the experiences, but no, as someone else stated, she wants the stability of the relationship and those “outside” experiences.
Save yourself the trouble and move on from her. This will always be in the back of your mind and you know its not something you want to participate in. Consider it a blessing.
Huge red flag. Your monogamous relationship is already over.
I had a gf like this. “I wouldn’t care if you go meet someone else”
So I did. 👋
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You redditors are so extra!! Some people believe in polyamory, some people believe in not being monogamous but being able to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Some people might not even think about it until a conversation is opened about it. Some people may already be thinking that might be where they like to be at but unsure how to bring it up. Whatever OP’s partners reasons are it’s not up to us to judge. It’s up to us to offer sound advice.
OP, your partner might be questioning her sexuality at this very point in time. Or she might be very much into non monogamy, it’s not that she feels any less for you or that your not good enough, even though it can feel like that. It could be that your partner has a very high sex drive, or needs to experiment to get some identity answers. It might be something you will never get your head around. However your decision on what to do next should be based on how you feel and whether or not you can work through what’s going on for your partner.
If it is just a non monogamous situation and you don’t ever think you would be ok with it stand your ground, even if it does mean a break up, it’s not worth going back on your morals.
If it’s a sexuality issue, the thought of you (as your partners closest person/best friend, however you address yourselves) not hearing her out when she might be going through something tough it might be worth listening to her. There’s obviously love involved. And she trusts you enough to bring up her wanting to try things with other people. I don’t think she’s cheating, cheaters usually hide it until they get caught and sometimes then they still try to hide it. She may need to do some things in order to find out who she truly is and with acceptance from you, you can still have a loving committed relationship. (Yes I said committed relationship because commitment doesn’t mean monogamous, it means respecting your partners boundaries and not purposefully overstepping them)
Yeah she’s not ready for a committed relationship, my GF who also has an extremely low body of 2 said that she wished she had slept with more guys before me even tho our sex life is Great but she never considered an open relationship because we don’t want to be with anyone else and she would probably commit murder if another girl even looked at me in a certain way.
You’ve only been together a year. Let it go.
There’s no way you don’t come out of this hurt, she’s going to do whatever she wants to do regardless.
This nonsense that people wrap themselves up in like “oh, idk what it’s like, I haven’t had enough experience” what fucking experience? If you’re that curious experiment with your partner.
This is just a non committal way of saying she doesn’t see you the way you see her. You’ll be better off breaking up.
Can only go by the context you’ve written. Only you know her.
You’re both young with so much ahead of you.
You truly need to be onboard with this journey or it is going to lead to pain and heartbreak.
It’s only been a year and maybe you could consider moving on. Maybe let her go and you could reconnect in time.
Let me put this to you. Do you think you would be able to handle and adapt to this lifestyle?
She’s already fucked someone else. 💯%
Think long and hard about bringing someone else into your relationship. This sort of thing can destroy relationships due to jealousy and resentment. It also makes you wonder if your partner is cheating on you by sleeping with someone while you’re not there. You don’t sound ok with participating in a threesome at all and that’s perfectly fine. You need to let your partner know that you’re actually not ok. Trying to save this relationship may be a lot to ask as she is looking to experiment and you aren’t. You’re in different places in your life which is evident in your hurt. And again, that’s perfectly fine to feel as you do. It’s valid but I don’t think your partner is considering that.
Read “The Rational Male” by Rollo Tomassi. It’s what modern men need. She is not committed to you. So move on.
She wants to fuck other people. Bail.
Dude usually they means she has someone in mind, and is trying to find a loophole to cheat.
Open relationships never work, relationship is doomed
You said you believe she is the one for you, I would reconsider this after what happened
Bail!
It’s sad that this is considered normal thing in relationships, if you refuse it, you are considered ‘insecure’.
Mate; you’re not ok with this.
Don’t do it to yourself.
Have the self respect you deserve and let her do what she needs to do.
Find someone who has the same identity to you and the same basis for a relationship
I’m gonna not do the average redditor thing and say this is a red flag and that you guys should break up immediately. I understand it’s very jarring and upsetting to have this sprung on you when you thought you were both on the same page and under the same understanding, but I’m gonna attempt to reassure and advise you as someone who’s been in your position who knows a lot of open/poly people.
Some people just aren’t all that jealous and don’t view sex as super intimate and can have their fun time without emotion attached to it, even in relationships.
A lot of people (me included) are very much the opposite, where we prefer to focus and dedicate that part of us to one person. We get jealous because we want all of their attention in that regard because when we’re in love we only want that one person and expect those feelings to be reciprocated.
The fact that she isn’t upset by the idea of you having sex with someone else doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, value her relationship with you, or see the sex she has with you as less passionate and intimate, it just means she doesn’t put the same type of emotional weight on sex that you do.
I’ll repeat, she doesn’t love you any less, she doesn’t value you any less, and she can still reserve intimate and loving feelings for you.
My advice: If the idea of her having sex with someone else hurts you, do not agree to opening up the relationship and do not sacrifice your own comfort in that regard whatsoever to make her stay because you’re only going to get hurt.
Depending on how strongly she feels about being with just one partner, the two of you might just be incompatible to where things can’t work out without someone being deeply unhappy. It wouldn’t be fair to you to cry yourself to sleep when she’s hooking up with someone else and if experimenting with others is a necessity for her then staying in a relationship where she feels restricted isn’t really fair to her.
I wish you the best of luck and hope this helps <3
OP there is nothing wrong with either of you. In situations like these some people might have great chemistry across the board and just not be a fit. Thats what I think this is in this particular case. People have different wants and needs and you have every right to feel how you feel about. You might be great fits for each other but I don’t think right now is the greatest time. <3
She already met with someone else and feels guilty about it either way she doesnt view you as her main priority snd doesnt actually love you if she feels this way
It’s over. You just have to come to terms with it now. You are fundamentally incompatible and that won’t change. Take a deep breath, and begin untangling your lives. You will find someone else who shares the same values.
Let her go, spend some time single to come to terms with it (don’t rebound into a another relationship immediately). Then move on with your life. Sounds awful now, but I promise you will feel calm and happy once the dust has settled ☺️
Not worth your time. Go find someone who wants to be with you and only you.
More than likely she will experiment, and then come back saying she wants to go monogamous again. I wouldn’t take that either. Just know from experience.