So as the title says, my (M29) GF (F25) of 4 months teases me about things I’ve said in the past that upset her even months later. Things I told her I regretted and apologized many times about. Just to give an example, I was cat fished for a year one time in my past and was a bit traumatized by photoshoped photos and photos with filters because after being catfished for a year and driving 300 miles to see that person, it just never felt the same seeing people im close to always using filters again. so i had nicely asked my girlfriend that when she sends me photos of herself, to not use a filter because I love her real face, thats the face i fell in love with and prefer that face. Well she broke out in tears saying “its just a little filter, i dont look that much different”. Ever since then when ever she sends me a selfie she says something like “dont worry, no filter!. hahah, love you babe!”.
Or like when i first met her, was had a great chat the first night, the next morning i woke up and I checked my phone and the first email I saw in the list was from the same dating site and a different girl messaged me, so i tapped on the link, saw the message, had zero interest in the person, deleted it and moved on. Well my GF, who i met just 12 hours before, saw my profile showing active on the dating site and texted me “seems like you are more active on that site, good luck on your search”. so i replied saying i had other conversation besides her and i dont ghost people because its rude and we are not official because i only met her 12 hours before and said her behavior was immature and toxic and to take care.” so she back tracked and apologized and we became a couple but i swear, she’s made some reference to it in the last 3 months like 10 times in a “joke” and it upsets me because i wasn’t proud of calling the girl Im in love with those names and she makes me relive it.
when i do confront her about her jokes cutting a bit to deep because she uses moments that hurt us both in some way or another, she breaks down and cries saying she’s bad, she not a good person” and it breaks my heart to see her cry like that.
so i wonder is there something i can do to not let her jokes upset me and just let it go so that i dont make it an issue and not make her feel crappy about herself afterwards? maybe look at in in a different way?
TL;DR! – My (M29) GF (F25) of 4 months teases me about things I’ve said in the past that upset her even months later and I want to find how to not let it bother me without confronting her and making her feel bad about herself.
10 comments
She’s doing this for one of two reasons.
1. She’s trying to make light of the situation to show that she’s not upset about it anymore.
2. She’s trying to guilt you and make sure you don’t forget it.
Gotta be honest, I kinda feel like it’s the latter. But hey, her response when you ask her to stop should be enough to know which one it is.
She seems deeply insecure, and that’s not an easy problem to fix. You were right that first day saying she acted immature and toxic. She was! She was on the dating app herself checking up on you! You’d known her for a SINGLE DAY?!!! You shouldn’t be ashamed of that incident, she should be. And she probably is. And that’s why she jokes about it, as a coping mechanism. I suggest, if talking about it doesn’t work, to make it into a reassurance moment. Like haha, isn’t it crazy how we almost missed out on each other, I’m so lucky to have you, etc. Don’t take her jokes personally, they are about her, not yourself.
Of course the real and true advice is that she needs to work on emotional management and accepting criticism without breaking down immediately because it really doesn’t help communication.
She is 25 years old. It’s kind of immature teasing in a way that sounds passive aggressive and crying when confronted. I don’t think you should let it go. You can be understanding but stay on your message and say something like “you are not a bad person but this behavior is bad, it’s hurting me and it’s hurting us.” Don’t start to give in just because she cries. Of you express yourself the way you do here you are gentle enough as it is.
Maybe she SHOULD feel crappy about herself because what she’s doing is crappy and she’s not seeing any actual consequences for her behavior.
She def seems like the insecure type. As for reminding you about stuff that’s done and over with, that should be a red flag that this person might be a narcissist. My mom does that shit and it annoys me and our family to no end. Yeah, I did *moronic thing done several years ago*, why are you hanging onto that, specifically?
I feel ya, and wish ya the best.
Actually I think you should confront her and just keep telling her not to bring up things that happened months ago. It’s over, let it go, move on ; you don’t want to and won’t talk about it anymore. If she cries about it that might not totally be a bad thing either as it might make her think about her behavior and give her motive to change. It’s very immature to dwell on things that happened months and years ago. and that goes for both of you.
wow maybe try not being controlling exactly how your girlfriend takes photos that she’s sending to you because she’s happy to be with you.
The way you say them they don’t sound like jokes. They’re comments intended to change the way she does something for no reason other than you want it.
Stop trying to control how she does things. It’s one thing to ask for a pic with no filter it’s another to say I don’t ever want you to send me pics with filters on them.
Shocked how others are agreeing with you. You all sound like teenagers.
Yall are younger than your ages emotionally.
You’re being controlling and immature with her and the photo thing.
She’s being insecure and passive aggressive in how she deals with the dating profile thing both initially and then with the jokes.
LEAVE DEAR GOD. Dated someone like this for 3 years and the resentment built up near the end just made every interaction impossible. How can you believe someone when they say they forgive you when they constantly live in the past.