Throwaway account because he follows my original. I need to give you some backstory to grasp the full picture. Let’s call my boyfriend Kristoffer for the sake of the story. When we started dating three years ago Kristoffer didn’t want to share about his past partners too much. After I pushed him he admitted how he used to be young and stupid, so he doesn’t even know how many people he slept with. Kristoffer is very ashamed of it and doesn’t want to talk about it, although his friends constantly joke about it and call him a ‘harem king’. But Kristoffer is the sweetest man I ever met. He cooks my favorite food, supports me (helped me get a job as well), plays ukulele and sings, is absolutely amazing in bed, is extremely intelligent and used to work for CERN… I could talk about how good he is for hours but now to the point. Kristoffer is friends with all his ex girlfriends that he had more serious relationship with (except one but she is crazy). I didn’t mind in the beginning especially since he was so honest about it and was even showing me messages and giving access to his phone. But when I met few of them I saw how they interact with him and how in love they are with him. Kristoffer never does anything about it, on the contrary he kisses my head and cuddles me publicly while ignoring their advances. But it was annoying me so I talked to him about it. He understood how I feel and cut contact with all four of them. I felt bad about it because he looked depressed after that. Kristoffer loves philosophy and psychology as a hobby and he used to discuss it with them. I am not really interested in this stuff so much and failed filling this hole. After some time he found a discussion group that he joined and suddenly his mood improved a lot. But after few weeks he admitted that two girls from the group confessed to him. He rejected them and even showed me the messages, but I had a bad feeling about it so went with him once. There are five women in this group and four of them look at him like they want to eat him. Even when we go to parties if I leave him alone for more than 15 min I always find him with at least one girl that is trying to bang him. And the worst thing is that one of my best friends started having feelings for him as well. I noticed it few weeks ago and after confronting her she admitted it. I don’t know what to do anymore. He is the greatest guy I ever had but it’s just so exhausting to be constantly on my toes. Anybody had a problem like that? Any idea what to do? He even shaved his head one year ago and I thought it will get better… TLDR Girls keep falling in love with my boyfriend and I am exhausted with it although he is loving and faithful

46 comments

  1. >Any idea what to do?

    If he is properly rejecting advances, then why worry?

    >but it’s just so exhausting to be constantly on my toes.

    You don’t need to be his bodyguard. It’s his responsibility to reject these advances, not yours.

  2. I guess you don’t need to do anything. Your insecurities are going to ruin your relationship anyway. Just have some patience.

  3. From the looks of it, he’s proven that he’s fully capable of rejecting advances and showing that he’s off the market. Either you trust him or you don’t. Trust and communication is the cornerstone of a relationship. If the foundation is missing, can you really build a house?

  4. That’s the deal when you date someone who is attractive and charismatic. He chose you. There’s no guarantee that an ugly dude wouldn’t dump you anyway. We are all replaceable. He’s going out of his way to be open and to show you that he’s trustworthy; so don’t ruin this for yourself.

  5. Sounds like your partner is Matt Bomer clone. Very cool and sweet to have your life companion, but being with him is going to bring jealously forward, as other Woman cannot help themselves with him. He is reasonable and understanding, so he knows his boundaries. So loyalty is not going to be problem for him.

    He already stopped talking to 4 of his ex’s. He is very self aware of how it makes you feel, and is compassionate with you. The only thing you can do is just to be yourself with him and remind him of how much you love him. Trying to hang out with him always for the sake of making sure he does not overstep or do something stupid makes you his jailer. Trust me you do not want that (He will end up resenting you), you need to live your life without worry. If he cheats, then he destroys his integrity. Maybe more frequent communication would help to allay your fears, if you do not see him.

    If you feel like you are both going to marry in a few years, then just elope if you both are in love and be done with it. So you can put rings on each others fingers, without needing to worry. As everyone can publicly see the ring. He only show it to end any discussion (Woman with integrity will immediately see it and back off). That should put your mind at ease, plus you know in your heart he chose to commit to you instead of any other woman.

    Enjoy your time with him, and hope you enjoy the future for many years to come.

  7. You’re whining like a little child. Worrying will be the end of your relationship. If you are worrying that much, just break up with him. That’ll be easier.

  8. As long as you understand two things you will be fine.

    1. You are replaceable, but he chose you.

    He has worked on himself to be a better person. He no longer wants to be a player. Be on the alter for (but do not obsess over) red flags and date him for a long time before even considering marriage because his body count could cause life time pair bonding issues.

    2. Do not exhibit red flags yourself.

    This doesn’t sound like a guy who thinks you are his only option. He cares for you, and he is with you now, but I believe if you exhibited a red flag, he would replace you quickly. If you treat him with loyalty, respect, and love, he will likely never leave you.

  9. Damn, now I feel like I want to meet Kristoffer too. He sounds pretty awesome, definitely doing something right to get this much female attention.

    Look, you’ve hit the jackpot by the sounds of it. You have an amazing partner, clearly very well liked, honest, smart, interesting, and on top of that he’s completely dedicated only to you.
    He can’t help who other women react to him, but I feel the only thing that can ruin it is if you sabotage it.

  10. Have you considered speaking with a therapist to work through these insecurities. There’s really not much you can do but trust him. Your lack of trust and insecurities will 100% ruin your relationship.

  12. Is he your first relationship? Because you talk in the original post and in the comments like the most unexperienced teenager.

    I get insecurities! I had a tone at your age. And i also picked a man that attracted female attention. He knew from the start that I ain’t the woman to accept his cheating. I was 19 and i almost broke up with him because some friends told me he was dating another chick. The friends became ex friends, because that was a lie and they were just petty young dicks.

    You know what this type of worrying and fears are called? Digging your own grave! You will push him with your own anxieties ’till he will do what you fear the most and then you will be like “AHA I knew it”!

    Grow a spine! Grow a personality! Be sure of yourself enough that your happiness qnd well being won’t exist solely because of a man.

    Stop waiting for the end to happen. It’s demeaning for him. It’s a huge lack of trust from your part. It’s always expecting the worst from him. Imagine how it feels. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

    You can’t see the future. There are men who cheated who find a woman they love and never cheat on her. There are men who will forever cheat. Life and love is about taking risks.

    If he right now behaves in a way you like and enjoy, then live now in the present and have your fill of him.

  13. This is 100% a YOU problem. He is probably used to the attention and it sounds like he handles it very well. You need to work on the green monster inside yourself and allow yourself to accept the love that he shows for you and no one else. If you don’t, you’ll be the next ex.

  14. The problem is not him, it is you. You cannot control everything and making him cut four people off his life will be a big problem in the future. He will most probably resent you for it. The harsh truth is you are very insecure and you need to first work on yourself before even trying out a relationship

  15. You sound like a jealous boyfriend. This is how alot of jealous insecure men feel, and you would give them the advice that you aren’t responsible for how your partner responds to advances. You are responsible for how you behave, you need to relax, he’s giving you all the signals that he is interested only in you and you need to learn to let that fact be the only thing that matters to you.

  16. It sounds like you are trying to find a reason to pop your own balloon. You are the one he picked over all the others. He sounds like a catch, he is in your net, quit trying to throw him back! You can’t control all the thirsty outsiders.

  18. I can totally see where you’re coming from and why you would be upset. That being said, it sounds like you are very insecure regarding these advances towards him, even though he’s proven himself trustworthy. There are a couple things I would suggest:

    First thing would be therapy. As much as I love Reddit, and it can be a decent sounding board for things you’re having a hard time with, it’s still on the Internet and there are still going to be folks who have skewed life views or unhealthy coping mechanisms that they think are normal and/or beneficial. A certified therapist that you trust and vibe with well is going to be much more grounding and helpful in helping you figure out how to manage emotional reactions to situations.

    Second, would be to really sit and consider if this is a relationship you’re really willing to go through with. I understand that he is a great guy. I understand he hasn’t done anything wrong. Sometimes, though, reasons for breaking up can be about the person you become when involved in a specific relationship more than it is about the actual person you’re in a relationship with. Is this relationship worth it to you to go through this? Are you willing to continue dealing with the fact that women make advances on him? Because it’s going to keep happening. You can’t lock him up or keep him from interacting with members of the opposite sex. I think it’s fair to have reasonable boundaries like: “I’d prefer if you not hang out with a member of the opposite sex one on one,” or “I’d prefer you not to be texting your exes who are still blatantly in love with you.” But it sounds like he’s already following those.

    Finally, if you decide the relationship is worth it, I would really focus on controlling what you can control and not focusing on the rest. You can control the boundaries you have. You can control how you treat your boyfriend. You can control how you communicate. You cannot control his actions or the actions of women around him. Do you trust him? You say you do. So, the only thing you can do is treat him with fairness, honesty, and kindness, and expect him to treat you you with the same.

    As for your best friend, I would certainly ask that they not hang out alone together. Beyond that, you can either stop being friends with her, break up with your boyfriend (don’t be surprised if she pursues him after, though), be okay with hanging out with your best friend and your boyfriend together, or try to plan hang outs with your best friend separately from your boyfriend for a while.

  20. There’s literally no reason for you to be on your toes. He outwardly is affectionate with you, he doesn’t hide his relationship, he is open with you and considers your feelings to the point of ending friendships, he’s rejected all advances… you have an excellent partner here. Your insecurity could very well end what sounds like a fantastic relationship. That’s something you’re going to need to work on.

    Just because others are interested in your partner, doesn’t mean you’re going to lose them. He honours you and your relationship in every way, it seems like. No wonder people fall for him – he’s literally perfect lmao.

    You need to consider therapy. At the very least you’re going to need a friend to confide these feelings in and work through them rather than going to him for reassurance. He is likely feeling guilty about your feelings of insecurity but he has done nothing wrong. In fact he’s doing everything right. I’m going to be straight with you – if you don’t address this, you will lose him, because he’s going to start feeling punished for your inability to self soothe/regulate your emotions.

    I really do wish you luck and hope for a very long and successful relationship for you both!

    EDIT: Okay Ive seen some of your comments after i posted this and it makes me wanna retract my previous comment. “He’s not that handsome” “I feel cheated” “if I’d known others would find him desirable I’d not have entertained the thought”

    It’s now starting to sound like you don’t love him – you want to own him and want others to act in a way that respects that ownership.

    At this point you’re not insecure your bf will choose someone else (you are to a degree, you’ve got some inner work to do with your sense of self there, but that’s not the main problem) you’re feeling slighted that people aren’t respecting your property.

    Thats gross.

  21. Your man looks like a good man. the quetion you have to ask yourself is do you trust him ?

    from what you wrote, he doesnt direspect you so i see no pb here just work on building up your self esteem.

  22. Men face this too, we get a partner we could only dream of, but the problem comes in when everyone else wants our partner as well, except typically if we feel any sort of way about it we’re labeled as childish and insecure, so I’ll advise you how we get advised (the healthy advice we get not the “you’re just insecure trash” sermon that gets delivered every time), either you accept you’re who he wants and has chosen and trust him and let everything else roll off your back and recognize that him staying with you has nothing to do with you if you’re being the best partner you can be to the best of your knowledge, if he’s gonna cheat or leave he’s gonna do that no matter what you do, so focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t, otherwise the only other solution that is healthy is to just leave and find someone who is great in your eyes but maybe not so highly desired by everyone else if you can’t handle the pressure that comes with being with someone highly desirable

  25. You sound like your complaining about winning the lottery tbh 🤣 like I get your concerns but if you want to make yourself less replaceable maybe take interests in his hobby or something… unless your bf does something just don’t stress about things you have no control over…and understand that this is what it’s like for most men lol

  26. I met my wife through a friend’s daughter and let’s just say she was older with two kids my cougar lol and way above my pay grade . I just joked to here one day we need to go out to eat and to go to the movies not knowing till her daughter told me the same that she had interest in me . I had the same worry for several months too before we officially dated were she went out with three other men before we finally did. I even took her to a date and dropped her off to meet someone too. She had the same problem everyone fell for her so three dates was the max with most of them . We finally went to a movie and dinner and hit it off . But if we went somewhere or had friends come over they would always want to be around her. I just learned to trust her and her commitment to me and we stopped having people over that would cause a problem and not go to places that would create a situation at times . She was a strong woman that could take care of herself let’s just leave it at that 5’3″ and very strong redhead . Part Irish and part Indian too. We all most made it to our thirty year anniversary last month till she passed away in hospice from a stoke and other factors over the past five years . She was the love of my life . Find common ground with him were you can discuss things and just believe in yourself and his faithfulness too you and don’t worry about if he is totally Committed to you or not . It will be fine and all work out in the long run

  28. The issue here isn’t him, but your insecurity. He is with you. He continues to choose to be with you. He rejects advances. There isn’t actually an issue here, other than what you have created in your head. I have to wonder if these other women are really hitting on him or “look at him like they want to eat him” or if it’s you projecting. I suggest therapy to deal with your self esteem, because your jealousy and insecurity are going to cause issues in your relationship. You can’t control what other people do, only your reaction to them.

  30. He has chosen you and is faithful, so stop fretting. Read about philosophy and contemplate your own life, and then maybe you can share in his love for philosophy too and bridge the gap. You could at least try it. Philosophy is thinking about what you believe and how it impacts your life. Anyone with religious beliefs has done this at some point. It might even help you understand yourself. Maybe even ask him to teach you at a beginner’s level, ask questions and tell him when you don’t understand something. It’s the kind of discussion he enjoys so sharing it with you and discovering your own philosophies, will be another thing to share with him.

  31. I’m married to a man who is a total catch. Brilliant, hilarious, charismatic, handsome, good in bed, all of it. I know for a fact that several of his female friends harbored crushes on him for a long time. It bothered me early in our relationship, but I realized it was entirely about my own insecurities. He has never, ever given me a reason to distrust him, has always been open about these friendships and firmly distanced himself if I was uncomfortable with the way they behaved around him. It was all coming from the fact that I didn’t think very highly of myself. I started to build my self-esteem by developing the best parts of myself and working on the more negative elements of my personality/behavior. Eventually I realized that *I’m* a total catch, too. We’re equals, we deserve each other, and we work hard to earn each others’ love every day. You need to focus on loving yourself and building meaning in your own life outside of him. If you stake your self-worth on someone else loving you, you’ll never truly be happy with anyone.

  32. He’s faithful, hot, attentive, and compromises for you.

    What more do you want from a partner? Instead of focusing on your insecurity, be in the moment and appreciate your relationship.

    If he’s unfaithful then it wasn’t that great to begin with. He’s given you zero reason to doubt.

    Get out of your head.

  33. If OP was male, this sub would immediately call out OPs behavior as abusive. That’s what this is, your need to control him and everyone around him and your extreme jealousy is 100% abusive behavior.

  34. He shaved his head to try to get him less attractive?? 😂😂😂

    Very funny story..

    Hmm.. I think I’d be cool with that. I don’t mind my boyfriend very popular. Probably just trust him as long as he doesn’t make me feel unloved or neglect my needs.

    I can’t control what other women do. It’s their business not mine. I can only control what I do.

    My ex boyfriend was very popular too. The girls first met me said to my face : Brian had that many girlfriends in the past we all had slept with him and let’s see how long you last.

    Lasted 13 years. I broke up with him when he proposed. It didn’t end well.

    Anyway, I never felt the fear of losing him even there was once this girl knocked on my door midnight, told me she was pregnant with his child ..

    That was a dramatic episode .. lol

    I think back, I realise those women don’t make any difference, but Brian does. The man himself and how he handles these things matter THE MOST.

    The way my ex handled them all has made me feel I never need to check his phone.

    What’s mine is mine, what’s not can’t be forced to have. I just go with the flow.

  35. I don’t know why you’re on your toes. He’s being faithfu, transparent and honest with you…what more do you desire in a partner? Sit back and glow in the knowledge that he chose YOU. If you keep nagging about this and he keeps feeling he has to defend himself, I guarantee he’ll be choosing one of those that’s showing interest.

  37. Ugh, everything about your post and replies are gross. Your guy is a catch and you don’t even know it. There are five other women that do know it though…

  38. Okay so everyone finds him handsome.. except you? You said in a comment that he isn’t even that handsome, but everyone else thinks so.

    Do him a damn favor and let someone who actually is attracted to him and finds him handsome be with him.

  39. ok but also why is he letting these girls get so close to him and to the point where they start to have feelings for him hmmmm

  40. I think what needed to be done is already done- he cut contact with his exes and was very honest about 2 of them confessing their feelings. As far as women being drawn to him in public/at parties, what can you do? Ask him not to engage with them? That’s too controlling. He made the right actions, you just need to change your mindset. Think of it less like he’s going to leave you for one of these random women- and more like damn- there’s my guy, women can look and try to get his attention all they want and you’re the one he’s devoted to. This guy sounds great, you must be great, too. So you’re a little jealous, it just means you care for him. If there’s anything wrong about this situation, it’s your best friend catching feelings for your boyfriend- that’s not very best friendly to say the least.

  42. Calm down there OP. You’re making him cut contact with his friends who may or may not be exes, not over something that has actually happened, but over the possibility of something you are afraid of? Girl you are going to poison your something great into something toxic, stop it.

    He’s *your* boyfriend, revel in it! I have the exact same thing happen where my fiance is beyond charismatic and attractive.He works in a hospital and trains and fights in Jiu Jitsu and is very sexy and kind and fun to be around. All women just love him, he is friends with a ton of women. But they are just friends, and I am his person.

    You cannot rip half a flower’s petals off and expect it to still be full and whole. You aren’t all his petals babe, you are only some of them. His friends and life before you are all petals too, or were before you ripped them off him. You complete him, you don’t own him.

  44. My girlfriend is absolutely amazing and drop dead gorgeous, her inbox is insane. She rejects everything that isn’t me and puts an immediate stop to anything I am not comfortable with. It’s taken me some time to not be weird in my head about it. I’ve come to find that the cost of being with someone who is amazing all the way around is that other people will think so too and that will make you feel possessive. So you really have to hold yourself in check or you’ll drive them away. As long as you trust them everything will be fine.😊

  45. I actually enjoy watching people hit on my hot boyfriend, knowing that he’s only interested in me and that I’m the one he’s going home with!

  46. I’ve always wondered why my boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a jealousy problem when I get approached as often as I do. When I asked, he said he KNOWS he’s dating an attractive person and he knows he’s also dating a good person so it’s only expected that I be approached or looked at often.

    The internet says, don’t date a baddie if you can’t handle one.

    It sounds like you can’t handle the fact that your boyfriend is a good, interesting and attractive person because you yourself are insecure.

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