Okay soooooo this is a long one. We had started dating my junior year of high school and have been together for 2 years. She is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and she has gotten me through some awful times in my life. I’ve known the whole time since before we started dating that being Catholic is very important to her and her family, and she has known for a while that it’s not a big part of me (baptized Lutheran but not huge on that either). We’ve had several conversations about me having to convert to Catholocism if I wanted to marry her, and each time I said I would consider it because I do really want to marry her and it means a lot to her.
I personally have no desire to become Catholic because of their stances on the LGBTQ+ community, women’s rights, and view of other religions. I also no longer want to be Lutheran, or at least a different synod (current church is part of a synod that is homophobic, among other things). I’ve thought a lot about becoming Catholic and I can’t get behind doing something that I don’t agree with. I had shared some of this information with her previously and she seemed to be mostly understanding. Relationship continued to go great.
Fast foward to this morning. She says she wants to talk about some stuff. Later she lets me know that stuff between us doesn’t feel the same. So, about four hours ago I met up with her and we sat in her car and talked about us. She felt that our relationship wasn’t as exciting as it used to be, like it didn’t feel as romantic as it uses to be (I concede this point to her as I haven’t been making as much time for her as I should be.) But then she reveals the bigger issue that she feels that she can’t get married to me if the only reason I’m becoming Catholic is to marry her. She explained that it is such a big part of her and that if I won’t become Catholic or don’t want to, she doesn’t know if we can be together. I explained that I just couldn’t willingly go out of my way to entrench myself forever in a religion that in my opinion is rooted in hate of other communities. I told her that I respect and understand following the teachings of Jesus and being Christian/spiritual in general but can’t get behind the intolerance. I also told her that it’s hard for me to understand why she is so committed to being Catholic even though she generally has the same issues with the Catholic church that I do. Ultimatley she said that we need to take a break but that if I am going to stand on my hill that she doesn’t think we can be together. I still love her very much and don’t want to break up with her, but I don’t forsee either of us budging on this issue. Am I in the wrong for my position, and is there anything I can do to save the relationship?
TL,DR: Me (18M) and my girlfriend (20F) are taking a break because I do not want to become Catholic and disagree with their teachings, but she has a strong Catholic faith, and it is looking like we’re going to break up.
3 comments
I know first love feels like it’s the only love you’ll ever have. It’s not. You are far too young and you have way too much growing to do to “make it work.” Religious differences don’t get better.
It’s time to say goodbye. Both of you need to be single, go to school, get jobs and just generally grow up.
A break will not fix a religious incompatibility.
Many people belong to religions where they’re against one or more of the tenets, for a multitude of reasons. It’s her choice to stay catholic despite disagreeing with a few factors, and she’s made it clear she’s not willing to change. It sucks, it hurts, but this means she’s not a match for you.
I will also say that any religious leader worth their salt would be able to smell “I’m converting just to keep my GF” from a mile away and would tell you that you’re not a proper supplicant, and would gently tell you to go away until you want to convert for YOUR sake. Religion is about the bond between you and God, not between you and your GF. There are absolutely *some* community leaders that would convert you just because you want to, but a good one wouldn’t.
It’s okay to mourn the relationship that could have been, but you need to move on. You will find someone else that you can love just as much, who isn’t incompatible.
I feel like I can comment on this as a pretty darn Catholic person happily married to a Lutheran.
There are a lot of life things that come with Catholicism that don’t come with mainstream protestantism or Lutheranism. Confession, mass every Sunday and holy days of obligation, you have to be married in a Catholic church, she will have to vow to attempt to raise her children Catholic.
What are your feelings on church teachings on abortion, birth control and IVF? These are all things that Catholics take strong opinions on, and oftentimes can sour a marriage.
I’m not saying this to open my personal beliefs up for debate, so don’t come for me, redditors. I”m only saying this because I believe that marriage is too important to enter into with grave differences and little room for compromise.
Before my husband and I got married, we had hours long talks on what we could compromise on and what we both felt morally obligated to do based on the churches we belonged to. We realized that we, as two individuals, practiced our faith similarly, had similar worldviews, and could raise a family together.
We also confronted potential situations like infertility, in laws of a different faith, who’s church we go to on Christmas, what do we teach our kids about Catholic mass versus a Lutheran service, etc etc
This relationship sounds like it has hit it’s end, and that is okay. It’s nobody’s fault, you sound mature and reasonable and like a very caring partner. And she, while I disagree with her asking you to convert, is correct in her belief that shared religion does make a lot of things easier.
But right now you are as in love and unfettered by outside stressors as you are ever going to be. It’s not going to be easier for y’all to compromise when you have the added stresses of marriage.