Hi r/Marriage lurkers and commenters! I am here to get some advice and opinions. I was brought up to pay attention to when someone may need help and outright offer it, without having to be asked. The whole “don’t just stand there, do something!” philosophy. My husband doesn’t seem to subscribe to this view. It’s led to many arguments between us. Just now, I opened the refrigerator to find a scene worthy of Jeffrey Dahmer. A 20 lbs order of meat from a nearby farm wasn’t sealed properly, and there was blood EVERYWHERE. The meat was on the top shelf, so the blood was all over the lower shelves, pooled in the produce drawers, every nook and cranny. My husband walked in on me hurriedly trying to absorb it with paper towels, assessing the damage and awkwardly removing drawers that were in turn, spilling blood everywhere on the floor and walls. He asked what it was, I replied “blood form the meat, it wasn’t sealed all the way”, and he replied “gross!” and walked away, to scroll obliviously on his phone laying down on the couch. I confronted him about it, and his reply was the same as always, that I didn’t ask for help. My reply was the same as always, that any adult with eyes can assess a situation like that and realize they are needed. What do you all think?
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Obviously I don’t know all the history between the two of you, or prior relationships.
Sometimes people have tried to help others in the past and maybe it was with someone who was a control freak and didn’t want help/reacted negatively so they’re reluctant to jump in. In my husband’s case, he was just raised differently and people asked for help if they wanted it so I will ask him if I need help instead of expecting him to do it automatically simply because that’s what I would do. It’s automatic to you and me, but obviously isn’t for him and that may not change. If you ask him to help though, does he? To me, that’s the most important part. If he refuses to help you when you need it, that’s a much bigger issue.
On the opposite side of that, I never jump in automatically to help my husband with stuff because he doesn’t like that. I’ll ask him if he needs help, and if he says no, then I leave it alone. Sometimes people will interact with others the way *they* prefer to be interacted with. Does your husband ask you for help, or does he expect you to just jump in?
It all comes down to communication.
Eh, if you want help you should ask for it. Cleaning a fridge is kind of a one person job, if you seemed like you were taking care of it he probably just didn’t think you needed help.
When he’s doing a task do you often offer help..even when he doesn’t want it?
People sometimes talk about cross-cultural relationships, and they don’t realize that this sort of thing is exactly that. It’s a situation where you need to both make some concessions.
Personally, I’m more on your husband’s side here, but not because I think there is some objective rightness to it… just that I personally prefer to communicate that way. Also, there is little more frustrating to me than being in the middle of something and having my wife interrupt with unneeded “help”.
IMO a good compromise (and what I’ve taken to doing in my own married) is *offer* help if my wife is doing something, then take her word for it whether she says yes or no. I don’t think that’s too big an ask for your husband.
Also, if you’re going to be frustrated if your husband doesn’t help with something, you should absolutely ask him. Stewing in silence is about the single worst choice.
I think that adults typically have learned that if they want something they need to ask for it. And personally I get really annoyed when I’m trying to do something and someone volunteers themselves to “help” me because they usually just get in the way and make it more difficult.
I can’t think of a single scenario in which hoping that someone will “take the hint” and getting annoyed when they don’t is in any way preferable to simply asking for what you want and getting it.
Look, if you want help ASK for help. I’m the type of person who would not want anyone else helping to clean that up because I like the fridge done a certain way. I’d shoo my husband away, fridge cleaning isn’t really a 2 person thing. Everyone is different. Use your words and communicate, it’s not hard
I am honestly shocked at the replies you’re getting. You paint a picture of an emergency, and to me blood from meat ruining the entire refrigerator is an emergency, and everyone’s like “yep, he’s in the right for prioritizing his phone at that exact moment. You shoulda told your grown adult husband how to be an adult.”
If you’re the partner that assumes you don’t need to do literally anything unless you’re asked, then you’re probably the source of most of the resentment in your relationship and seen largely as a child to your spouse. If you’re the spouse that thinks you should have to ask for valuable phone scrolling time for them to hold the bandage on the kids leg so you can free a hand to call 911, you have a grown ass adult child sharing your bed.
There is a difference in asking if someone can swing by and pick up milk on the way home, and expecting someone to recognize that you’re overwhelmed in a very important task in the moment.
Get outta here with the “cleaning the fridge is a one person job”. Frantically sopping up blood from the veggie drawer isn’t a lazy Sunday afternoon fridge cleaning.
So yes, your husband is clueless and clearly needs to be told to wake up and be somewhat aware of his surroundings, or maybe you will ask him…for half his pay on your way out.
In this given situation, I could never picture my wife or myself not immediately jumping in to help. This would be a huge fight in either direction.
I can’t believe what people are replying you. I also can’t believe you purposely choose to stay in a partnership where your partner doesn’t help unless asked? That dynamic would make me feel like their mother, having to point out things they can do or asking them to get off their phone to step up. And that would ultimately lead to me losing respect for and not wanting to me romantically involved with my partner. That being said, having a partner who is self responsible and considerate of me/our space is a priority for me, and it might not be top of the list for you. Is everything else in your relationship great? Is it just this that’s unsatisfactory?
Theres no such thing as “any adult can see they are needed”. What are they seeing exactly? That mercury is in retrograde?
You have to use actual words.