Repost, because the bots are picky.
Throwaway, even though I’m absolutely certain my husband would figure out it’s about us if he ever came across this post.
Also, before I get started, I am NOT interested in leaving my marriage. Our relationship is otherwise loving, respectful, kind, and balanced.
Now to the story:
This turned into a lonnnnnng diary-like post. My apologies for the length.
TLDR: we had a threesome, that was more like a twosome, and I can’t get over the hurt.
Me, F35. Him, M37. Married 16 years.
We had a threesome. Two, actually, with the same person. I set it up. It’s always been a fantasy of his, and although I was on the fence, there were things I wanted to explore, too. We lost our virginity to each other, so our outside experience was very limited
I went on my first “solo” vacation earlier this year. I don’t know if it was the whole “absence make the heart grow fonder” or what, but my husband and I were like horny teenagers again when I got back. That’s when the whole threesome thing really took off.
I set up the dating apps. I wrote what we were looking for. I initiated all conversations. Once I confirmed our match was 100% on board, he joined the chat. He let me lead, because in his words, he was happy either way. I’ve always been bi-curious, and he’s fantasized about threesomes. Seemed like the only way to flesh it out.
We met a few women in person. Our approach was conservative: talk, go on a date, go from there. Everyone was great about discussing boundaries, and I felt safe. We chose one woman, because I didn’t want to manage multiple “external” partners.
The first encounter was great, mostly for them. There was equal attention between all parties, but I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Nothing felt enjoyable to me, but they both came, and my husband and I went home. He was very affectionate and encouraging. I chalked my discomfort up to first time jitters.
The second encounter was two rounds.
The initial date was amazing. Dinner, sightseeing, drinks, great conversation. I legitimately like her.
Round one: I was more open. But still nervous. I realized then that I wanted to experience a woman on my own, not with an audience (my husband). I felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed. They again got along well. Great chemistry. He finished in me, and she and I took a shower together. If the night had stopped here, everything would have been fine.
Round two is what broke me.
It was late. We were all staying in the hotel this time. The three of us, in a king size bed. I didn’t want to sleep next to her, so my husband was in the middle. At some point, when I was mostly asleep, I could tell they were messing around, just the two of them. I FROZE. This was a boundary that he knew about, but I didn’t discuss with her because I trusted him. (“I don’t want to wake up to you two messing around.”) He asked my “permission” to have sex with her. I should have said anything other than “sure”, but I was legitimately frozen. I don’t know how else to describe it. Couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. Paralyzed by something – I still don’t know what. I was lying on my stomach at the edge of the bed while they fucked. I could see their shadows on the wall. I heard everything. She said I was a lucky woman as she came a third time (something I’ve never been able to do). He finished.
It made me sick. Right there. I finally got my senses back and ran to the bathroom and was sick. She offered to leave (I’m sure it was awkward), but I asked her to stay. We gave her a ride home in the morning. Hugged goodbye. On the ride back home, my husband and I talked. He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego – he’s lucky if I come at all, let alone multiple times.
I SOBBED for hours after we got home. I don’t know why it hurt so much. My husband was gentle and kind to me after. Apologized repeatedly for violating the boundary, and for the “ego” comment. It broke me deeply, but I felt there was nothing to forgive. I set myself up for this.
She ended things a couple weeks later. She said I wasn’t ready, and she’s right.
It’s been about four months since the incident I call “Round 2”. I canNOT let it go. How can I measure up to that? How can he be satisfied with me anymore?
He has reassured me whenever I’ve brought it up. Which was only a couple times, because I don’t want to burden him with this. It messed me up to the point where I have almost no sex drive, and I’m numb when he’s inside me. I miss our sex life…
How do I move on from this experience?
37 comments
I am sorry this happened to you. He crossed a boundary which was set in advance, and that was NOT ok. People can cheat in open relationships when they cross boundaries. Please find an ENM friendly therapist and go for couple’s counseling/therapy. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Take as long as you want and it is ok to never be ready. Focus on rebuilding your trust and your primary relationship. It can be very hard to let go of resentment and that’s where therapy can be most helpful.
Well title is a little misleading. the issue here isnt the threesome but the fact your husband broke the rules and did what could be considered cheating
If you can’t move past it then move on
The old game of fuck around and find out. Best of luck.
Yes I see you have an otherwise respectful relationship except for the fact that he fucked another woman next to you and loved it after you specifically told him not to. I totally understand. Stupid people on Reddit suggesting divorce because he clearly has no respect for you. Don’t they know this happens to every “loving” and “respectful” couple?
He had sex with another woman, in the same bed as you, as you just lied there and had to watch? Knowing this was something that would bother you as you had discussed prior,
But went ahead and asked anyways in the moment? Knew you had gotten sick immediately afterwards and was ok with her staying the night and still made the ego comment??? He’s an asshole, I’m sorry. It’s not about you measuring up.
I’d say it’s time for a threesome with another guy and let’s see if that guy is able to make you come, and when he does, just tell him “it’s ok, ifs really good for my ego to know a man can actually make me come from sex”
Not sure what to tell you. There’s nothing wrong with you. For all you know, she could have been lying about orgasming. I think you both need therapy.
I think your body is trying to tell you something:
> I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable
>nothing felt enjoyable to me
>i was more open but still nervous
>i felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed
> i froze
>paralyzed by something
This just isn’t for you and you shouldn’t force your body to do this anymore
First he crosses the boundary you set then he flexes with this? “He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego” Jesus Christ, the freaking nerve of some people to boast about stuff is baffling. I can never see myself doing this nor a threesome, I love my wife too much. Time will rebuild your trust but please no more threesomes if you’re not really enjoying them and Mr. Ego over there gets to brag about it. I think this is salvable it’s just going to take time.
He cheated on you
If the boundary is that clearly defined in advance, that’s a problem. I definitely understand heat-of-the-moment, but your husband is having a different experience than you, I think.
I’m in an open marriage myself (40M/36F) – my wife did a lot of group scenarios and such with her ex-husband, but we haven’t done any same-room play. His boundary-breaking really turned her off to the whole deal, and while a threesome is something I’d like to explore, it’s not more important than her feeling safe and loved.
That said, I’ve been on the wrong side of a more minor boundary misunderstanding a few times (as has she). It happens. The trick is: can your relationship (read: he) learn and grow from it? Can you guys heal/graft further together? I also suggest therapy, both individual and couple. This thing won’t heal if left unaddressed; quite the opposite.
Your husband also stomped across your boundaries and cheated right in your face. Why are you so willing to accept all of the blame? Why didn’t you immediately put a stop to them f*cking? Why didn’t you immediately tell her to leave? Why didn’t you immediately break things off? (She did, weeks later.) It’s almost like you don’t trust your feelings. Ever.
What he did was grossly inappropriate. Why aren’t you more upset with him? Why are you internalizing all of the blame? (Although, yes, you had a big part in creating this fiasco.)
I don’t know how you repair this relationship. But maybe what you need is individual counseling to regain some self esteem and confidence. I don’t see a confident person letting her husband bang a woman right under her nose if it makes her uncomfortable or accepting all the blame for letting it happen.
Also, the grass is not always greener. Stop letting porn culture direct your marriage. It’s sacred. Treat it that way. FYI: A respectful husband would never do what yours did to you. Are you sure your relationship is otherwise so great?
You don’t want to burden him? OP, HE CHEATED. That’s what breaking a boundary like this is- it’s cheating. If you want to get over it, you two *have to* work on this issue the same way you would work on it if he went behind your back and fucked someone in a club. If he did that, it would not just be: he apologized, now I have to get over it. No, it would take actual work from him to repair the relationship, and it’s the same here. As long as you pretend there is no issue, or try to not burden him, you are making this impossible.
I know this may seem counterintuitive, but you are making it impossible to repair the relationship by lying to yourself about the seriousness of his transgression, and about the nature of it i.e. that it was adultery, and minimizing it. If my leg is broken, I’m not helping by pretending it’s twisted. I’m not saying: cut off the leg, but if you wanna heal it, you gotta start with what is actually wrong.
He needs to take that burden on, ASAP.
Thank you for sharing your story on just how stupid it is to have a threesome with someone you love.
Live and learn.
Holy shit I’ve read this same story a million times. Different people, same story. Sometimes a fantasy should stay a fantasy. Good luck.
Would just like to say, coming from someone who’s had almost the same thing happen to me, it doesn’t even get better in your head, the feeling of deep betrayal never goes away.
The only thing that changes will be how your husband goes from caring and apologetic, to annoyed that you’ll still be hung up on it for a long time.
If you don’t plan on leaving your marriage over your own husband breaking the boundaries you set in place, you have to come to terms with yourself knowing that you will have a thorn in your side forever.
Did you really not ever consider how you’d feel seeing him enjoy another woman? Seriously, there are thousands of stories like this right here on Reddit. I will never understand the concept of sexually sharing the person I married…it’s bananas to me.
So is your husband oblivious to how this has eaten you up?
“It was a fantasy of his, I was on the fence”
For the love of God why do people have threesomes if they aren’t 100% into the idea, even then it can irreparably fuck up a relationship. If one party isn’t 100% its almost a guarantee.
I dont think this is something you can move on from. You will just have to live with the knowledge of your husband having sex with and enjoying a different woman.
This physically hurt me to read. I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. I truthfully wouldn’t be able to stay if I was you. I would feel insecure, incapable of making him happy, and betrayed. I don’t know how you’re doing it. I feel like it’s grounds for divorce for the simple fact that he destroyed your self-esteem for his own selfishness. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I don’t think you’ll be able to get it with him anymore.
>My husband was gentle and kind to me after. Apologized repeatedly for violating the boundary, and for the “ego” comment. It broke me deeply, but I felt there was nothing to forgive.
Let’s go through the things that he *does* need to ask forgiveness for. #1 being that he clearly knew and remembered that that boundary was already in place. Boundaries are not goalposts to be moved in the moment. They’re rules put in place before the situation presents itself, with the purpose of preventing the setter from feeling the horrible way you were made to feel when he decided that boundary didn’t serve him in the moment.
>when I was mostly asleep, I could tell they were messing around, just the two of them. I FROZE. This was a boundary that he knew about, but I didn’t discuss with her because I trusted him. (“I don’t want to wake up to you two messing around.”)
2. He was well aware of this boundary from the get go because you told him in those exact words that you did not want him to do the very thing that he decided fuck it, he’ll do anyway.
>He asked my “permission” to have sex with her. I should have said anything other than “sure”, but I was legitimately frozen.
3. He took what probably sounded like a numb, monotone “sure” because you were hurt and in shock as enthusiastic consent for him to fuck another woman by himself while you laid there and listened to the entire thing. Marriages do end over threesomes, because someone isn’t truly ready or able to handle it, and/or because one or both partners don’t stick to established boundaries in the moment because, spoiler, if they can’t do that then they’re *also* not able to handle it, regardless of whether they’re the one who gets upset.
You would still be well within your right to be angry and hurt if he had pushed for a more enthusiastic agreement from you (which he should have done no matter what), because he already violated an established boundary. The fact that he took such a weak “consent” from you as a green light to do what he did is the opposite of a respectful partner, no matter what you’ve told yourself about your relationship before this experience.
>She said I was a lucky woman as she came a third time (something I’ve never been able to do). He finished.
4. After he jumped at the chance to fuck someone else alone after your borderline consent, he fucked her long enough to get her off three times, and then came himself. That sure as hell doesn’t sound like someone who had any hesitation about how his wife felt about watching and listening to this ordeal play out. This was 100% about and for him. You and your marriage were absolutely not in his mind at this point.
>Nothing felt enjoyable to me, but they both came, and my husband and I went home. He was very affectionate and encouraging
>I felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed.
4a. He cannot attempt to make an argument that he ever thought you were thoroughly enjoying playing voyeur and would’ve gotten any great satisfaction or enjoyment from watching him screw someone else’s brains out while you laid there like background scenery.
>It made me sick. Right there. I finally got my senses back and ran to the bathroom and was sick.
5. More proof that this was nowhere close to an enjoyable experience for you, yet there’s no mention of your husband’s reaction so I have to assume he did nothing. Your third showed more compassion than your husband by offering to leave when you were clearly very upset.
>He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego – he’s lucky if I come at all, let alone multiple times.
6, 7, 8, etc… After violating an expressed boundary, taking a borderline at best consent from you as enthusiastic agreement, and watching you get so upset over his actions that you vomited, this POS *still* had the fucking audacity, selfishness and disrespect for you, his partner of 16 years, as to need to *verbally* inflate his ego further after everything that had already happened in your face.
Everyone who posts on Reddit thinks they have an amazing, respectful, perfect relationship. None of these people are correct.
I’m very sorry you’ve been left to feel like this. If you want to stay in this marriage, counseling is of absolute necessity.
Sexual Relationships involving two people are very very difficult.
That difficulty increases exponentially as more people are added.
You learned this the hard way.
First of all, I agree with the commenter who said that your body is trying to tell you the truth. It’s time to listen to that.
Secondly, I think what’s really bothering you is that everything is centered on your husband. You are doing this for him, but what is he doing for you? In a healthy marriage, each person centers the other. You center him, and he centers you. That’s not what’s happening here.
His first reaction was to be amazingly self-centered. He not only trampled your boundaries, but he then continued afterwards to put himself first. How could he not feel bad that you were so upset by what happened that you vomited? Did he even go into the bathroom to hold your hair? Did he do anything to take care of you afterwards? How did he explain that away to himself?
I’m going to go with you guys don’t have the loving marriage that you seem to think you do. How much of it is purely coming from your position and not from his?
I don’t understand why people do this to themselves.
I don’t get how people can see a person they love with another person.
Not for me
Who could have ever predicted this would happen.
I felt sick reading this
Open marriage, f, 36.
I’m sorry, but I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to recover from this. I’m going to say this was legitimately traumatic. Your best bet is individual therapy with a therapist who can empathize and not judge. In the meantime, would journaling help you?
Threesomes fall under *ethical* non-monogamy—what your husband did was unethical on so many levels, and just down-right cruel. Coercion is NOT consent. No one with integrity would do to their spouse what your husband did.
I am so sad for you, and so, so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t feel pressured to forgive him just because he’s apologized—some things you can’t fix with words.
Threesomes continue to ruin relationships. You didn’t want to do this on some major level. I’m sorry for you.
You experienced shock. Please talk to a therapist, alone or together with your partner (maybe first alone and later together). There is a lot to untangle in your mind.
Even with the best intentions and preparation threesomes are never a save well of joy for all involved. I bet they destroy more relationships than they enrich. It’s easy to get your feelings hurt because it simply is NOT just sex…OP said it herself…there is chemistry, maybe even like your own in the beginning, when everything was fresh and new and exciting. To witness that with your partner and a new person could sting very badly and can make you question everything that was once absolute certainty.
Good lord people – read some damn posts on here before committing to a threesome. I swear the relationship failure rate must be 95% based on these threesone posts 🤣
“I am NOT interested in leaving my marriage” 💀💀💀 you said this because you know this is the correct choice. You know that this is wrong and hurting you but want others to feed your delusion of the marriage getting better. It’s all downhill from here.
You threw up and cried and his response was that fucking her was great for his ego. What kind of sociopathic bullshit is that?!
Actual ENM person here. So this is a bit more familiar to me and I think you will get some less biased info from that community.
In all terms that apply, your husband cheated on you.
Your emotions are based on that one fact. Your husband cheated on you when you were RIGHT THERE.
He thinks this is a small thing. Anyone in the ENM lifestyle knows, or learns fast, that the boundaries are what make non-monogamy ethical in anyway.
Violating the boundaries = cheating.
So, how do you move forward? Close up the relationship first and foremost. Your husband has broken one of the fundamental points of your relationship.
Trust
He has lost your trust and respect.
Stop having sex with him if you don’t enjoy it.
Flat out, back out of all normal relationship activities until you reach a point where you feel safe and where you can trust again.
If that means him sleeping on the couch or moving out then do that.
Reintroducing the relationship slowly can rebuild trust. Go on dates again, see if the man you are married to is someone that you want to stay married to.
Your husband cheated on you. Start from there. Stop having sex that you don’t want and rebuild boundaries.
Yet another case of 2 people fucking up their relationship due to a threesome. Yall keep doing this shit. And it’s always the SAME flow. Man or woman does it because their partner “always had a fantasy”, then they freeze up and end up in the bathroom or something crying for hours. Was a dude who made a post not 3 days ago going through the same thing.
I should make a yt channel gathering all these stories. Capitalize off of yall fucking around and finding out
16 years together and he still hasn’t learned how to make to make you orgasm?! It’s an absolute guarantee that the other woman orgasmed because she knows what her body needs to get there, not because your husband is great in bed.
You should take some time to learn to self pleasure, learn what your body likes and wants.. and that doesn’t have to involve another party, husband or not.
You’ve been together from a very young age and haven’t had the opportunity to grow as individuals. Sorry to be blunt but what you might see as love and devotion could just be comfort and familiarity. Start therapy to help you understand your feelings and emotions around this situation, and don’t blame yourself for your husband disregarding your boundaries. That was his choice and he did it knowing full well that he was crossing a line.
Good luck OP, wishing you many future explosive orgasms x
This will probably get buried, but you probably need to treat this like he cheated on you, because he did. Before he asked you to have sex solo with her and you said sure out of panic, he was fooling around with her. He broached your trust the same as any other betrayal. He has shown a selfish side that I’m guessing you weren’t 100% aware of. So add to the betrayal, you lost some respect because he was disrespectful.
So to get over that, you both need to call it what it was and work through it as cheating. It will be uncomfortable and awkward, and I see you’re a people pleaser, so it’s going to be work for both of you.
Sorry your good time got marred by round 2. It sucks that you thought you had the security to explore and his selfishness shot that to hell. I hope you’re able to get back to happy and exploring your sexuality.
Have you stopped to consider that your husband is a fucking asshole?
Hi OP! Wife in an ENM marriage here. There’s a boatload of advice already so I’ll spare you more of that but I just wanted to say this: As someone who does have/has had group sex with my husband, if he pulled this shit with me divorce would absolutely be on the table. This is a HUGE breech of trust and is incredibly telling of his character. I would argue that it wasn’t just you who wasn’t ready, clearly neither was your husband. For different reasons, sure, but not being ready or willing to follow rules and set boundaries is about as unprepared as you can get. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending love.