Advice? I’m (33F) in love with my close friend (38M)…and I’m scared shitless of telling him.

I’m in love with my close friend of nearly 10 years…and I’m a very honest person, but I’m afraid to tell him.

Ok. This is also extremely scary, but fuck it…I’ll take advice anywhere I can get it.

Some background:

I(33F) met my close friend(38M), nearly 10 years ago at a music festival. Specifically during the set of our mutual favorite band. I left the group I went to the festival with, to get close to the rail(none of them cared enough about the band to try and get close). Anyways, I got to the rail and these two cool dudes made some room for me to stand next to them. One of them was the guy I’m now in love with. He was with his best friend at the time, same age as him, and they had gotten Day passes to the festival just to see our favorite band, so they were already my kinda guys. So, we had an awesome time rocking out during the show and I could kinda tell both of them were attracted/into me. At the time, I was more attracted to the best friend(I was younger and stupider). The best friend and my phones were both dead, so I gave my number to the one I’m now in love with. He ended up helping his best friend get in touch with me and we ended up dating for a few months. During this time, I became very close with both of them as well as a whole group of people who went to see our favorite band a lot, together. We spent a lot of time together. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had so much more in common with, more similar interests with, felt intellectually equal to, had the same sense of humor as, and truly admired…the other guy. The one I’m now in love with.

Fast forward, the best friend and I break up, and some further drama happened within the group of friends, so I decided to take a step back from hanging with them for a couple years. I still kept in touch every now and then with the guy I now love. He and I both were in 2 long-term relationships each, in the nearly 8 years after the slight falling out of the group. During the first of my two long-term relationships(2017-2020), my friend and I rekindled our friendship more. Met up at a few concerts, went to a few parties he had at his house, etc. And my boyfriend at the time, who I was very much in love with and thought I would marry(thank god I didn’t as he was an emotionally-abusive narcissist 🙃) met him a couple times. I will say, I’ve always had a lot of straight male friends, grew up with brothers so for years I felt more comfortable with guys overall. I will also say that my ex-boyfriend was usually secure in himself and not threatened by any of my guy friends. EXCEPT the man I’m now in love with. I remember, in the car on the way home after a concert I brought my ex to, and one that we hung out with my close friend at, we got into an argument. My ex ended up saying something to the effect of, “Well he’s CLEARLY in love with you.” I told him I thought he was crazy/wrong, that we were just friends. Internally though, I thought “wow, really? I WISH.” Years pass and my ex and I went thru a really ugly split and I rekindled my friendship more with the guy I’m now in love with. However, he was then in the middle of his 2nd long-term relationship of his two since we met. A year goes by and I enter my 2nd long term relationship a few months before his ended(summer of 2022). His breakup was apparently as painful as my 1st one was. He took it very hard and became more reclusive for nearly a year. Then my 2nd long-term relationship ended at the end of 2022.

So, since the beginning of this year my close friend and I started texting each other more. Then we hung out at his house at the end of this summer and I truly realized how I felt about him. Nothing romantic happened, it was just a casual hangout, I even brought my best friend (33F) with me. Ever since then tho (September), he and I text every week, usually multiple days or about 3 times a week. And I just…I’m desperately in love with him. He is such a wonderful, kindhearted, intelligent, and FUNNY person. And he thinks I’m smart and funny too! I truly believe we could be a great team. A happy one. I’ve never felt this way about a friend who has always been platonic. Someone who really knows ME, gets me, and likes me for who I am.

But…I’m terrified. How on earth do I tell him? I’m a brutally honest person usually. But…What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if telling him changes our dynamic/friendship? Or, what if he feels the same and we give it a shot but it doesn’t work out and then we’re never able to be friends again?

ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED! Even if you tell me I’m insane, I will take it under advisement. I think my therapist is tired of telling me to be honest with him. 🙃

Thank you,
33F in love with 38M close friend

TL;DR :

I’m (33F) in love with close friend (38M) I’ve known for nearly 10 years. Not sure if he feels the same but part of me thinks he might. Not sure how to tell him or if I should. Any help/advice appreciated!