Hey all. I 33F had a brief fling and I can’t seem to get over it. I really can’t talk to my friends because they’re his friends too. I would appreciate all the hard truths and wisdom and comfort.
I met someone 38M through our mutual friends in July. It was a big crush then, I learned he was attracted to me too. We didn’t go out on dates but we’d hang out and go for walks and dinner for about a month before he suddenly ghosted. For context he has over a decade sober in AA, works, and we share similar hobbies. He ghosted after a month of friendly back and forth texting and just hang outs (no sex or kissing) heck, he could hardly hug me largely because he is shy. Fast forward a month or so I see our friends and I told them he ghosted me. They were surprised. We all had dinner together and he showed up. He acted very awkward and strangely towards me and my friends called him out. One of them texted him to ask why he was acting strange, and he told her that he ghosted me, feels bad, etc etc. so as a peace offering i invite him out and he comes out. He apologized to me, says he’s not looking for a relationship and wants to remain friends. He said he ghosted because he had a “breakdown” and wants to focus on AA and get into therapy. All was well, and I knew we were cool as friends and I can let go of the idea of a romantic future with him. A week later he invites me out to a concert and we go. It turned into a really good time, we went back to his place and we kissed, sex and he wanted me to sleep over. It was amazing. He told me he wanted to keep seeing me, but no expectations and I agreed. So for the next month, we go on walks, to eat, and other events with friends. He was acting like my boyfriend, being very emotionally vulnerable , even showing me a house he wants to buy. I start to really fall for him and I think he’s falling for me too. We had an event planned and he cancelled last minute saying he lost motivation. I start panicking because it feels like he’s ghosting me for the 2nd time. I ask for reassurance that things are ok with us and he said yes, and we agreed to meet for dinner the next day. That day comes , it was a nice dinner, and we shared about what happened with the last minute cancel. I said how it made me feel like he was beginning to ghost and it was hard to ask for reassurance. He said he was getting annoyed because it started to feel like dating, and “it wasn’t suppose to be that way” I’m trying not to cry, and I asked why that would be such a bad thing. He says it’s because he has a hard time with understanding love, doesn’t get it, and doesn’t know what he wants. I told him I’m looking for a partnership with a commitment and he said he couldn’t meet me where I’m at. In the past he kept saying how he wanted to go to therapy to break relationship patterns. He reiterated that he’s worried about not loving someone. He said he cringes hugging his parents even. We ended things cordially, and we are still part of the same friend group but godamn it I’m having such a rough time I feel pathetic. This feels ridiculous that he occupies my mind this damn much. I really fell for someone who had clearly stated no expectations and no relationship. Then why oh why did he act like he wanted to date me? Why show me a house? I feel like I’ve made a pretty big impact on him if he realized that he wanted to change relationship patterns and go to therapy, but now I feel a huge loss. I am not on any dating apps and don’t plan on going back.
TLDR;
Met a guy through friends, hung out, he ghosted after a month, we reconnect after another month or so and we hook up, continue to see each other until he almost ghosts again, this time saying he was annoyed that it felt like dating and it “wasn’t supposed to be that way” despite him saying no expectations and no relationship, he very much acted like a boyfriend, being emotionally vulnerable.
25 comments
You have to be believe someone when they tell you they’re not ready for a relationship. He told you outright that he had to work on himself first and to have no expectations. You have to resist getting sucked into situationships like this by listening to what someone says and also paying attention to their actions. The ghosting was another red flag. His behavior seems avoidant, and he really should go to therapy to be a healthy partner.
You weren’t really dating. He got what he wanted which was some company and physical intimacy knowing full well he could not meet your needs. He was upfront about that but you decided to ignore it.
This one’s on you. You made no impact on him. He never had any intentions of changing. You might benefit from talking to a therapist if you feel you’re really struggling with letting this go. It wasn’t really all that long for it to have such a hold on you.
He’s in your head so much probably because of one or more of the following reasons:
1) This ended suddenly. A longer breakup would’ve been less traumatic.
2) Communication stunk. He didn’t make it clear in advance that a breakup was coming. And/or you didn’t make it clear that you had strong feelings for him and wanted a real relationship.
3) This might be the first time you’ve experienced something like this. It gets easier every time.
4) You don’t have other prospects that are equally (or more) intriguing.
5) You might have anxious attachment tendencies (very common).
He wants the advantage of a relationship without its burden. He’ll act nice and boyfriendish but with the right to unplug the whole thing when he wants it. He’s using you to feel good. That’s it.
I can only speak from experience, but i have a family member who was a alcoholic in recovery (was, because he started drinking again not long ago).
They are very charming people, but the alcool is not their only problem. They have « addicted personalities », and that doesn’t change with just ending the alcohol. Alcohol is only a symptom.
Your fwb sounds like my family member. They hurt people around them, not because they want to hurt people, but because they are hurt themselves. They can’t understand why what they do is wrong. Their suffering is too much to be able to recognize that they affect other people, and can’t acknowledge your suffering because theirs is worst than yours.
And unfortunately, you can’t change them. No amount of love and affection and time from you will heal them. They need therapy and to work on themselves to do it, and it has to come from their, not environmental pressure from partner, friends and family.
They *will* take action when pressured by their entourage… but it won’t be a real decision from themselves, just a quick act lead by guilt. And they will go back to their old way the minute they see an escape. This is what happened when he got pressured by the friends after ghosting you. He decided to start seeing you again because he felt guilty. But he did not genuinely wanted a relationship with you. And now, he shows you that he never wanted the relationship, he was just pressured by the friends.
You have to be careful around recovering addicts. And I’m not saying that they are bad people, there are that have learned to live with themselves and are well adjusted and have good coping mechanism and went to therapy and are still actively going to therapy.. this is good. But but the ones that are not adjusted correctly, the ones that still need to work on themselves… they will break you. The moment there will be something that make them tilt emotionally, if they did not learn to cope correctly, you have no idea what can happen.
Im sorry you had to live this. Unfortunately he told you many times he was not ready for relationship, because he is aware of his issues. And you still decided to go for it. He did not acted like he wanted to date you, he just appreciated the good company and the good sex. That’s it. You did not make him want to date you. These people won’t change just because you exist.
Unfortunately you did not have that much great impact that you thought you had on him. He’s 38, you’re not his first girlfriend and not the first girl that tried to change him. He already told you that he did not want a relationship, it’s not like you made him realize something by being around him. He already knew all this stuff.
And also, since he wants to work on himself and continue his AA meetings, the man needs to cut all « bad » factors from his life to make sure he can succeed this phase. It feels like a huge lost because you invested so much in him, but this was a sinking ship. You should have got out the first time he ghosted you and never went back. You already knew he was a recovering addict, and the minute he started to act weird (ghosting) was your cue to leave.
So this is the truth and wisdom you were looking for.
Now the comfort:
My words were harsh and I’m sorry. It’s just experience from having an alcoholic father who I saw pulling all the tricks in the world, the same tricks all family of alcoholics witnessed. They are all the same.
As yourself, you did nothing wrong. You’re just a girl who wanted a relationship, who went open hearted to a man she thought would be good for her. And that’s good. Don’t lose that hope that you will meet someone just because you met a sick person (alcoholism is a disease that can’t be cured, it’s for life). You followed your heart, and was hurt. It’s hard, because addicts who don’t take care of themselves properly are hurting everyone around them. They are charming and attractive personalities, but they are suffering. There is this little saviour in all of us who just want to bring them good and give them love… but they will only suck this good like leech and then act surprised when you tell them it was not free (aka you looking for a relationship).
Dont cut yourself out of other relationships and dating apps just because you met a wrong person, unless you feel that this is a pattern that yourself need to adress. We are not responsible for the wrong people that appears in our life. This man was a lesson you needed to learn so you can get closer to the relationship you are really looking for.
I send you love, take some time to heal your heart and you’ll come back stronger 💕💕
I think it’s very natural to get sucked in when there is a bit of a toxic pattern developing.
He definitely has some avoidant tendencies and people like this create a trail of dopamine breadcrumbs for you to pick up.
Personally I would have gotten out the first time he ghosted, but I come from experience with this already, and I know now people who disappear when they can’t have difficult conversations are generally very immature emotionally. A healthy person would have explained to you clearly why he needed to stop hanging out before he disappeared.
Even if he did tell you he didn’t want a relationship, he acted in a bit of a contradictory way after.
Next time, you’ll know to stir clear of this type of situation. They always end up in heartbreak for you.
Unfortunately we just don’t know what we don’t know until we have the experience and this has been your time to learn this one. Just sending you a hug, as I know this sucks right now.
You might look up “Anxious Avoidant Attachment Style”.
It’s more common than you think. And, it’s probably not you or anything you are doing other than trying to get closer to him.
I think it might be good for you to drop into an Al Anon meeting. What you’re describing sounds very common for people with addiction issues. There’s an expression, that no one moves faster in a relationship than an addict.
People in AA are advised to not get in a relationship in the first year of their recovery. He’s told you he’s not ready, listen to him and try to understand why you’re giving a man second and third changes that he hasn’t even asked for. That quality of giving and nurturing is not a bad thing, but it shouldn’t be used to try to fix or save someone. Reserve it for someone with healthy dating boundaries who wants what you want.
Edit: grammar
i’m sorry you’re hurting, i’ve been through something similar and what i learned is you can’t rely on other people to uphold your boundaries for you. you have to believe that he doesn’t want a relationship, and when you notice him start to behave in ways that contradict that, you need to flag it to him and find out if he changed his mind or if he’s just getting swept up. only you can protect your heart babe.
Something that has worked for me in the past when I was hung up on them was to look at what things would be like if I did have a relationship with them. From reading your post, it’s pretty clear that your more hung up on him because of the rejection then you are interested in him because why would you want to date someone who has admitted to needing work but won’t do it. The fact that he ghosted you shows that his communication skills aren’t great and if you did some how get into a relationship with him, he would constantly have intimacy issues. I don’t know much about you, but you are so much better than this dude. Let this be a lesson in having standards because this guy is a walking red flag.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know exactly how it feels to keep ruminating on someone despite them being a walking red flag (which this guy undoubtedly is). One of the toughest things to experience is thinking you’re having an impact on someone and spending tons of time thinking about them, when the whole time you’re nothing more than an annoying option for them. He’s not spending even a fraction of time thinking about you, and you need to put yourself first here in order to move in. When someone pulls away without explanation you have to fight the urge to chase them because this is what happens the vast majority of the time unfortunately.
The best thing you can do is cut all contact with him. Someone who ghosts doesn’t deserve a second chance, and this guy is proof of why. He doesn’t deserve your time or effort, and he’s not interested. Definitely don’t give him a third chance if/when he comes around again trying to make excuses. If you see him in a social setting keep it cordial but I wouldn’t engage beyond saying hi. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It will get better but you have to put that effort toward yourself.
I fully empathize, but you should also look at your own patterns of behavior. You’re asking why would he do all this with me if he didn’t want a relationship, when the real question to answer is why would you go along with this when he is telling you (and showing you) he isn’t interested in a relationship. Not trying to criticize, just saying that it’s common for us to look for people who can’t truly love us, or give us what we want when we TOO have intimacy issues. And in fact, these situations are perfect for us, because they allow us to feel loving, and like we are the over-functioners because it’s their problems keeping us apart, not ours. But the reality is that we are CHOOSING partners that we cannot be truly close with and therefore both actively contributing to this distance. Anyway, something to consider. The book “Women Who Love Too Much” really helped me with this, and realizing and trying to change my patterns of the type of men I was engaging with. Good luck to you and sorry you are in pain, I wish you all the healing.
I have been here and feel for you, it’ll pass hang in there. However, due to this exact pain, I do not give someone boyfriend privileges (like sex mostly or more intimate activities like movies on the couch) unless they earn it. They have to prove they’re someone capable of being a bf while I’m getting to know them. Do they communicate well, show up, court me, treat me well? I am several years sober and in recovery and I don’t think it’s fair to chalk it up to all sober alcoholics hurt people like some of the comments have said. He seems immature like so many others — alcoholic or not. I think he’s actually addressing his addictions and shortcomings, he’s telling you he’s not ready. That’s honestly more than I can say I see in the general male population. Males not in the program in my experience are also addictive, it’s usually porn, only fans, exercise, themselves, work, food, rage, etc – and just because someone is open about what they struggle with doesn’t mean they should be shamed over men who keep secret their addictions. Everyone’s got ‘em is my experience it’s just like which ones can you live with? I’ve found people in program, not always, but often are more introspective because they have to be. Should he have not initiated, yes, but I also think it’s on you if he ghosts, treats you poorly and you go back for more willingly only to have him do it again.
He ghosted you once before. Why would this time be different? He’s the same , cut your losses and move on. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
I think you realize your mistake was getting involved with him. What’s done is done! It’s commendable that you are able to articulate that you want a committed partnership. Great, go find it! How to get over him- well what would help me is thinking how awful he is and what a dick he was rather than romanticizing him. I get that it’s nice to have mutual friends but like whatever. F this guy. Lol
Sometimes we get attached to the potential of something more than the actual relationship. Since that is an intangible idea, it doesn’t go away when the person does.
I find it takes longer to get over. Sometimes longer than the relationship itself. Be kind to yourself but also look carefully at your own impulses and actions.
For example, why invest in someone you know is unavailable? Are you avoiding people who are available? Do you rely on the chase for enthusiasm? Does your self esteem require that you convert someone who didn’t want you?
I think a lot of these comments are a little callous. It’s okay it affected you! Feel your feelings and move through it. This has given you clarity on your boundaries and that you aren’t capable being with someone who can ghost. You’ve learned lessons. Listen to them and take it into account moving forward. Journal, heal and yeah take someone at their word, always.
Your feelings are completely valid but as a guy I’m going to be brutally honest and this may hurt to hear but he’s just not that into you.
Whenever I’ve been wishy washy with a woman and told her no expectations or I’m not ready for a relationship what I’m really saying is I don’t see a relationship with you even though I may find you somewhat attractive and like you as a person but I don’t like you in a relationship sense.
In situations like this and I know this sounds horrible but when I know the woman likes me and I’m not quite on the same page I will sometimes give it a chance to see if anything can grow from it from my side but sometimes it doesn’t, hence the whole I’m not ready for a relationship bla bla bla beforehand.
You deserve someone who wants you in the same way you want them and I know it’s hard because you have caught feelings but in my opinion it’s best to put this behind you and move on, you deserve better. All the best.
Be VERY VERY VERY wary of people who tell you “no expectations” and then proceed to treat you like a girlfriend substitute. It’s a self serving act purely for their own entertainment and validation…. and you’ll leave feeling depleted and confused as hell.
Sounds like he has issues with closeness in general, not a reflection of you, he’s shown and told you he’s not available.
Also though…. Don’t feel bad for liking him, you’re human. Lick your wounds and feel your feelings and remember what this experience taught you. Apply that moving forwards when you start dating again 🙂
I used to do shit like this. Believe them when they tell you want they intend or you’ll continue to feel duped in future endeavors as well. He just wanted to have fun and not commit. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting more but it’s not going to be from him. So your best to take space, hang with friends (away from him) and take time to reflect on your patterns.
Girrrrl, you were practically trying to debate someone on whether or not a relationship would be valid. *-sprays water-*
Why did he act the way he did? — because he wanted to do the things he did and you allowed it. It’s really that simple.
Everyone wants the benefits of partnership: a companion, physical intimacy, fun, someone to do things with, someone to talk to, etc etc.
Him not wanting a relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t want those things. As he clearly showed you, he wanted those things *until* you were trying to get some kind of accountability and commitment out of him.
Please remind yourself 500x over that someone wanting a warm body and companionship is not the same as them wanting a committed relationship — especially when they’ve explicitly said “no relationship.”
This was a case of — as the kids say — being completely delulu. What did you think you were bargaining when you slept with him almost immediately after he ghosted you *and* said he couldn’t be in a relationship?
>I’m having such a rough time I feel pathetic. This feels ridiculous that he occupies my mind this damn much. I really fell for someone who had clearly stated no expectations and no relationship. Then why oh why did he act like he wanted to date me? Why show me a house? I feel like I’ve made a pretty big impact on him if he realized that he wanted to change relationship patterns and go to therapy, but now I feel a huge loss. I am not on any dating apps and don’t plan on going back.
You know you didn’t listen when he shared his intentions and feelings regarding your mutual situation. That was a mistake on your part and you are in the process of accepting it. You feel a huge loss because you liked him and you hoped.
Hope is such a big and powerful emotion, it’s hard to release it in small manageable quantities. It’s like a firehouse without a pressure gauge. When hope is dashed it just hurts more. I think you have to look your hope in the eye and say, “This is over. This is done. Here is where I found value in my situation. Here is what I’m going to change in the next situation. I forgive myself for my missteps and I give myself grace for not being perfect.”
Your search for answers is just hope’s way of fighting until the bitter end. It’s a lovely bold sentiment, but sometimes you have to step in and say, “Thank you but we’re redirecting your power and strength.”
Feel better soon!
Oh gosh, I’m currently reading at “it wasn’t supposed to be that way” … ah, I have been with this kind of man before, it’s brutal. I have long moved on, but the grief was real. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I don’t have any advice other than to be strong enough to go on no contact and never break it. Hot and cold is brutal. I’m very sorry to read this. I hope you will find a better man.
ETA: I cried so much when I was with this man. I definitely lost myself during my period with him. The unnecessary cortisol I had was … ah just never again.
This dynamic sounds very unhealthy and I wonder if that’s why it’s affecting you so much. The rollercoaster ride and having to pursue him likely triggered insecurities and emotions that you’re now having a hard time shaking. The familiarity of him being part of your friend group also probably heightened your attachment.
I’d try to focus on seeing this clearly for what it is: someone who cannot offer you want you want and who has made you unhappy. And I’d focus on addressing why you kept pursuing this despite that (no shade, we’ve all been there). If you can see him clearly I think there is a high chance you’ll get the ick. And then addressing why you kept pursuing him will set you up for healthier, happier relationships. Be kind to yourself OP, dating isn’t easy.
Dude is telling you left right and center that he doesn’t want to date you.
This dude is a piece of work.
OP don’t get sad, get fucking mad.
This guy knew exactly what he was doing, even if he never intended it to go the way it did. “It feels like dating” because that’s what it WAS.
I would tell everyone. He should be called out.