I’m a fellow who enjoys an occasional romp that isn’t PIV sex. Mutual masturbation, oral swaps, 69, stuff like that, as the main event. My wife is cool with foreplay, and anything goes when she’s horny, but she wants it to lead to PIV. When she’s not horny, she’s not really into giving me the rest. To summarize:
\- She, when horny: likes giving hand or head, but wants it to lead to sex.
\- She, when not horny: not especially into giving anything else.
\- Me: Sometimes wants a complete hand or blowjob.
If I ask her for attention, and if the timing is right, she will try to do it for me. Last night we ran into a common problem: She wants to know exactly what I want, but what I want is for her to just take control. I want her to do as much as she’s capable of mustering in that moment.
That comes across as “I want you to read my mind and know what I want” despite my best efforts to make it “You’re good at this and you know what I like. I’m begging you to please do those things.”
If her mouth is in play, I want that. If it isn’t, then her hand(s) can still be nice, but I don’t enjoy laying there while she mechanically makes me cum. If I do ask for something, like more lube, or a switch from her hand to her mouth, or to see her naked or touch her, it can send things downhill. When her motivation is low, so is her tolerance for requests or feedback. If I feel like she’s not into it, then mentally I’m out, and the moment really goes into a spiral. That’s when I wish she would have just not agreed to try, but also, deeply, that the act of pleasuring me was more fun for her.
It’s a real damned-if-you-do / damned-if-you-don’t situation for both of us. If I ask and she says no, I’m going to feel disappointed. If I’m rejected a few times in a row, it’s going to build up and get worse. If she gives it a shot and things don’t go well, everyone’s unhappy. The only path to a positive outcome (for me) is for her to do something she doesn’t want to do, which I know can only lead to disaster over time. I wish I could not want these things, but I do want these things.
Has anyone figured this out?
3 comments
One key thing that you mentioned here is that she’s most open-minded when she’s aroused. That makes a lot of sense which means that no matter what you find moving forward, you just have to remember that she needs time to get warmed up and be turned on before anything else is going to happen.
Second, I would float out the idea of taking turns. In other words, when it’s her term, sex plays out in the way that she typically enjoys that you also enjoy.
When it’s your turn, you both make sure she’s warmed up and turned on, you get what you want, And the two of you figure out how she can get her satisfaction and fulfillment either during or after.
When there’s that level of intention, both of you know what’s up so there’s less ambiguity to have to worry about and both of you know that every other time you have sex, it’s going to be on the terms that each of you preferwhile also providing a enthusiastic and loving accommodation to your partner the other half of the time. At least that’s the goal.
If you haven’t tried it, I don’t see why it’s not worth asking given your circumstances.
I personally get really turned on touching/blowing my husband. I feel slighted if I get him off and I get nothing in return. I am a giver. And will occasionally just go down on him randomly. But it makes me very horny and if he’s not in the mood for more/round 2 it makes me resentful.
I (F) had a very similar situation. some people just naturally have low libido, or don’t feel safe or connected with their partners- so they can only do things with their partner when their body takes over. Sometimes they numb their mind so that the body can take over. Sometimes people give in to whatever their partner wants because 10 minutes ago they felt attracted to them but then there is an incomprehensible reason for why they’re not attracted to their partner after 10 minutes.
Sometimes women need to go to a gyno to check to see if they have too much testosterone or too little progesterone in their system. doctors can recommend different medicines or physical therapy, but sometimes it can be healed through eating healthier and exercising regularly.
I had to talk with my partner before this pattern continued- because for me it was because I had previous trauma about shame so I couldn’t let myself “take over” or be more “dominant” because of a mixture of fear and anger. Also- resentment. It was all hidden to me because I thought of a lot of things as “small” issues- so I had to think deeper about those things- because he explained thoroughly to me those things were very important to him.
If she loves you, she will listen. and she will try to fix the problem, might take a long time, she might not be able to fix it herself. But if she doesn’t listen to you after you explain this to her- she is blocked off emotionally and is carrying some kind of dislike/ lack of attraction to you.