I am a father of a 1 years old and a husband. I have 2 companies in two different countries and working really hard to provide for my family. My wife has no job other than being a housewife. She takes care of the household, my and our child daily needs. Im helping her as much as possible to make time for us, playing with our child, doing the groceries, taking out the child so she has time to relax and do her ‘job’. Yet she keeps telling me that taking out the garbage my job is. She refused to take it out. Keeps telling me that she is always tired. Wont cook a lot of the times, even for our baby she has ‘no time’ to cook etc. I wonder what to do in this case? I believe she is a lazy person and can’t manage her day efficiently. Once she has free time (when the baby is sleeping) she take her phone and start scrolling around instagram or calling friend. I am really getting tired to keep supporting her. I never ask her to help me with my duties. Its always her that needs the help with ‘her duties’. Talking wont help, she always act like the victim and makes me feel kinda lack of understanding to her. Whats the advice at this situation? The atmosphere in the house mostly getting very tense when at evening baby needs to sleep etc. I have no rest or peace at home when im back from work..
7 comments
Is she still breastfeeding?
> she take her phone and start scrolling around instagram or calling friend
You do realize that she’s home alone with a baby and no other adults all day… right? Can you understand why it might be important for her mental health to stay connected with her friends, while you spend all day working with other adults?
> I never ask her to help me with my duties.
Well except for taking out the trash, right? :p
> Talking wont help, she always act like the victim and makes me feel kinda lack of understanding to her.
Rephrased: “I don’t care about my wife enough to want to understand her feelings.”
> I have no rest or peace at home when im back from work..
Based on how critical you are of her, it seems like she also has no peace at home when you get back from work.
Your wife is clearly struggling to adjust to baby life. You’re being super dismissive. Have you cared for the baby for days at a time on your own?
I’m also the sole provider and my wife stays home with our 3 kids. The youngest is 6, and she has lots of energy now. But when we had babies, when she was breastfeeding, she constantly felt lazy and like she couldn’t ever get on top of her day. She was dealing with post-partum depression, but it’s also just more of a time and energy drag than either of us appreciated at first. She wasn’t sleeping well at all, caring for babies through the night.
Try some empathy my man.
Do you work 365 24/7? Why would you expect that from her? She is doing SEVERAL jobs, not just childcare. You should take care of the house because you are an adult and you live there as well. What would you do if she didn’t live there? Just let it be a dirty mess? Its respectful to take pride in and take care of the environment you live in.
Start by respecting and valuing the work she does and not viewing her as lazy. That perspective is what will send you on the fastest track to divorce and is negatively affecting the way you treat her.
She does have other jobs. She’s also a Mom 24/7.
When you get home from work, parenting should be split. You are still responsible for helping to take care of your home and children.
It’s a lot of work to take care of a child and a home and she shouldn’t be expected to do it all herself.
You are likely correct about her not spending her time efficiently.
However, it’s worth remembering that the life of a stay at home mom is difficult in unique and challenging ways.
If your kid is 1, I’m assuming she’s been a STAHM for over a full year. That means that for the past 2 full years, between pregnancy, breastfeeding, and childcare, her body has barely been her own. Since taking on childcare, she rarely gets adult company, and her body and her life revolve around this tiny human. She has very little autonomy or really any endeavors that engage her own capacities. That’s HARD.
You should take your wife’s concerns seriously. Work with her to find a different work/life balance if that’s what you need to do.
I doubt you’ve really spent much time with your kid then. A child won’t turn off after 5pm…you’re a parent round the clock and are in crisis management most of the time. If you find it acceptable to go out for drinks with your work friends to unwind and build rapport, then it’s acceptable for her to go online to socialize. It’s not as if she’s free to leave the house and your kid to bond with her own friends.
As for cooking…not everyone can cook or would like to. You’re looking at it like “she’s -just- a stay-at-home mom, of course, she has time to cook”. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with a kid, and when all is said and done, not everyone has the skills to cook. If you’re, say, a manager, people won’t assume you also cook in the restaurant, right?
My friend’s situation is reversed. She’s the breadwinner and her husband stays at home. They don’t have a kid, however, he helps take care of their niece and nephew. He just orders out because he’s too tired and he also can’t finish any project in the garage. She doesn’t take it against him.
Negotiate the chores with an open mind, or make both your lives easier by putting some of the money you earned towards hiring services to help with food/chores.
Were you under the impression that when you married her and got her pregnant, she was to turn into your slave?
Raising children and running a household are 24/7 jobs. She is handling the shift that occurs while you’re working outside the home. When you get home, you both continue the work that needs to be done. That includes childcare, housework, food preparation, home maintenance, shopping, driving, laundry, etc.
You’re an adult. Act like it.
To clear things out.
I know that a baby is very hard to take good care of. Especially when my wife is also breastfeeding her. I understand her situation, she has to adept to a lot of things. But its over a year now, and before the baby, she was lazy too. Its not new.
Btw, she chose NOT to work at the very start of your marriage. She said i don’t want to work. So i go out there and face everything, i dont bring any trouboe outside back to home. I enter my home with a smile, flowers, food etc. I take her and out and we love to spent time and money on anything we want. When she dont want to cook, i always said: when you dont feel good or something, just order some food and lets eat it.
Anyway, she chose this her self she always wanted to do these household job, cooking, parenting. Like very traditionally lifestyle, SHE CHOSE IT.
So i mean i fix every problem in the house, the car, the vacations, the money, protecting and providing, buying, etc. And it turned out that she had a very hard time to do her part, we are married 3 years now. Since the start of it she needed a long time to get it all done. She still is struggling with it.
Its not that im not doing anything at home? I clean the house, help her with the dishes, tidy the house, assisting her with anything she asked me to.
All this is from my perspective ofcourse. If you would ask her about all this, she would say: i just want your support, attention and love.
Should i support her even more? And keep doing that? Or draw a line and say that she should do her part. Exceptional things are ofc different, im speaking generally