My older brother has always struggled. He has undiagnosed ADHD (I also have ADHD) and I suspect Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
Some background about him: He’s a sweet and sensitive soul, with some nasty tendencies. He was very popular in high school, and then completely socially isolated himself after he left high school. He’s never had a full-time job that’s lasted longer than 6 months. He has so many wonderful ideas but never sees any of them through.
About a couple of years ago, he started asking me for money more frequently. I remember being very unfazed as we had previously (on a handful of occasions) asked each other for money to get out of a tight spot as we were living paycheck to paycheck. The money was always paid back so I thought I was just once again helping him out of a pickle. However, began to never pay the money back.
The sums were getting larger and larger, and initially I gave him money every time he asked. Now, it seems, I’ve become a financial crutch for him. I know he spends the money on trivial things (fueling his nicotine and gaming addictions, and I pray nothing else).
I’ve started telling him no by using half truths such as “sorry, I’m trying to save for ….” But the real reason is that I don’t want him to depend on me. I know this must ruin his self esteem and I want him to feel as though he can go out and make his own money! He has so much potential.
I struggle most to say no when he says he’s depressed and needs money for rent, to pay off some debt, or something else that is serious. I also am terrified about his mental state and the possibility of further isolating him, as I’m one of the few people still in his life. This keeps me awake at night.
My question is, how can I set these boundaries without pushing him away? How can I help encourage him (keeping in mind that he HATES being told what to do and will likely end up closing off)? He’s been burned by life and hates everything, including himself. I want him to see the good in the world, and the potential in himself.
I feel like this is a pivotal moment in both of our lives, and if I handle it wrong it will end in the worst possible way. I KNOW he’s not my responsibility, but I also know that people can be helped with kindness, encouragement and patience. I just don’t know how to do that without hurting him further (by either be his crutch or isolating him).
TLDR:
My older brother keeps asking me for money and never pays it back. I’m worried if I tell him no, he will withdraw from our relationship (I am one of the last people he has) and it might push him over the edge.
5 comments
I you want to point to another financial commitment (you called them excuses), it’s okay. If that’s the bridge that helps you get to a good boundary it’s okay.
At some point, setting an expectation that you’re happy to support him in other ways but can’t financially is great. Something like “I love you and you know I’ll always be there for you, but I can’t financially contribute to your expenses” may work a little better when he doesn’t need something right then. So I would look for a time to bring it up when he’s not in dire straights. Until that opportunity presents itself, those very good reasons can help get you there.
Keep it up! It’s clear you love your brother and are doing your best!
> I’ve started telling him no by using half truths such as “sorry, I’m trying to save for ….”
If this is working, why change It?
You’re only 26, so chances are you don’t have a ton of money sitting around generating passive income for you. I doubt it is an excuse or a lie that the money you’re sending him you really should be saving for any number of things: emergency living expenses in case you lose your job, medical expenses, car maintenance expenses, your own moving and housing expenses, retirement, etc.
Tell him you don’t have the money. But it’s beautiful you are so concerned for him and want to help him out. Ask if he wants to sit down and go over some options about what he could study, how he could fund his studies, or different employment ideas. Perhaps at a more neutral time, when he’s not asking for money? You’re not lecturing him, you’re genuinely thinking he would make a great medical assistant, or awesome electrician, and you’re wondering if he’s ever needed help planning out the steps to do something like that, or something different that he’s had his eye on?
After age 24, many states provide a lot of financial aid for people seeking to go back to school and get a first degree or to get workforce training in a shorter term program. “I heard about these funding sources for education and training” is super helpful. There’s money out there that doesn’t have to come from you. If he wants help brainstorming or making a plan you’re there for him
You’re going to have to just tell him. Before he asks for money again. “Hey bro, I don’t have the money to hide to you, especially if you’re not going to pay me back, so I’m sorry but please don’t ask me again for money, I just haven’t got it”.
I think you should tell him that you can’t afford to lend him money anymore. “I’m sorry, I can’t afford to give you money anymore.” It is absolutely true, and he doesn’t need more explanation than that. If you tell him that with kindness and without judgment, and he distances himself, then you have to accept that he only wanted a relationship with you for as long as you were giving him money.
You also seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself to save him from himself. But he is a grown man, and you’re not his parent. Of course doesn’t want to listen to his little sister tell him what to do. You say you know that, but you also sound determined to change him. (That surely can’t be good for your relationship dynamic.) You might look into individual therapy, because I suspect that you would benefit from having a place to unpack your relationship with your bother and your family history (“nasty tendencies” raised a flag for me). You don’t have to keep spending your nights worrying about him.