My (27F) Family Canceled our holiday plans saying they wanted to save money. Last week they went on a last minute, week long trip to Hawaii without me.

40 comments

1. They never had any intention of coming to visit you.

   This:

   > I tried helping them plan it for months but they always came up with some sort of excuse such as plane tickets still being too expensive, or “your brother doesn’t really like cold weather.”

   …was them showing you that they had no intention of coming, without having the courage and personal integrity to come right out and say it.

   People do exactly what they want to do. Every single time. So if coming to see you was a priority, *they would have made it happen*. You *know* that it wasn’t actually because of lack of resources, because if that were true, then they wouldn’t have gone on this other holiday either.

   So what you know with absolute, unequivocal *certainty* is: They *had* the resources to travel, but they *chose* to travel somewhere else without you.

   They made that choice to exclude you, and (what’s more) your mother is making it clear that they don’t even really care when (or whether) you come to visit them, either.

   I can’t explain *why* they have chosen to exclude you, and no one else here can, either.

   But they *have* chosen to.

   It’s important to remember that blood-relationship is an accident of genetics, and that *family* is those people (whether you are blood-related to them or not) who *treat* you like family, who prioritize you and include you and want to spend time with you. If that were not true, then neither adoption nor marriage would hold any meaning at all.

   So. Do you *have* family? *Actual* family, by which I mean close friends who actually care about you and include you and want to be with you and spend time with you? If so, put your energy into *those* relationships.

   Better a strong relationship with friends who have *chosen* to make you their family, than with blood relatives who have *chosen* to make you a mere acquaintance.

2. Ignore them when they call. That’s the best plan. Let them feel what you felt. See if they reach out on a non holiday. Choose to ignore or them or not.but sometimes family are the ones you choose. Not who gave birth to you.

3. First, all the best for your exams. It’s important to put this family drama behind you and concentrate on your personal goals.

   Your family has no interest in visiting Europe or experiencing a European Christmas. Their loss. Have they even taken your wishes into account for holidays, even when you lived at home? Are they upset that you moved away and punished you by pulling away and not including you on the family group chat? Mum saying she wished you were there in Hawaii was pretty bloody silly when she didn’t even invite you.

   My advice is to live your life for you and build your own family and friend network in your adopted country. Contact your parents occasionally to say happy birthday and Merry Christmas and let them know your travel plans for the year. You know that if they want to see you they have the money and time to make it happen. They will probably plan a big expensive European holiday next summer and expect to drop in to see you for a couple of days before they head off again with friends.

   You probably won’t hear from your mum until Christmas and even then she’ll talk about their fun and not want to hear about your Christmas. They’ve moved on and are enjoying their child free lives and the ability to have a vacation at the drop of a hat. Everything revolves around their plans with their friends and they will expect you to work in with them, especially when they want to see any kids you have.

   If you can stand it, ask to be included on their regular Snapchat group so you can keep track of their everyday life and travel plans and feel a little included that way.

4. She said the cruises were different because…they were with friends?

   So looks like your brother is the golden child and their friends are more of a priority to them than you, OP.

   That hurts. But you just got to give them that same energy then maybe they’ll realize how they’ve taken you for granted.

   If you keep getting your hopes up to see them and keep emotionally investing in them, you’re just going to keep getting disappointed. I would try to keep them at arm’s length and focus on finding new people who will reciprocate your friendship and care.

5. Can you tell us what made you move away from them to start with? And how often have you been home? Is it possible they feel like you don’t make an effort to see them or only want it on your terms so they’ve slowly been backing away? Just trying to find out more info because I don’t think this happened overnight

6. When she said she wish you had been there was the perfect opportunity to tell her no you didn’t or you would have invited me. So stop sending me pictures of your family vacation. I obviously am not a part of that.

7. It’s quite clear they have some issue with you. Maybe they are resentful you moved so far away. Maybe you dated someone they hated. Maybe they felt you were disrespectful. Maybe they just prefer your brother.

   Whatever the reason is, its clear they don’t value you. As to the why, that’s up to them. If you really want an answer, maybe send them a link to this post or an email just asking why they are freezing you out and if there is anything you can do to help thaw the relationship.

   I would personally keep things pleasant and let them keep their distance since that’s what they want. Focus on school and finding a good job and a great partner for marriage. But I can understand you would rather try to repair the relationship.

8. it sounds like they’re punishing you for leaving.

   honestly, it hurts but if you leave yourself open to them, they’ll just keep doing this. prioritise yourself.

9. You are a grown adult who made the choice to move to the other side of the world to pursue your dreams. You made this decision for yourself. Own it, surround yourself with people who make you happy and share in common interests, and stop expecting others to accommodate you when it’s not realistic or even fair to impose your wishes on others. Re-evaluate your expectations, OP. The moment you accept and own your own decisions, the sooner you will find peace/acceptance in this situation you yourself created.

10. I feel like there’s more to the story. OP said she doesn’t have disposable income, so who would have paid for her trip to Hawaii? Who is supposed to pay for the spring break trip?

11. It is completely valid to have hurt feelings about this. I do this that you are jumping to conclusions about them not wanting to see you. Question: have they ever been to Europe? Maybe there is a mental obstacle about travelling internationally, separate from a cruise director.

    I have three siblings and they are all partnered. I am the only one who doesn’t live in our home town. I am left out of a lot of shi, but it was also my choice to move away. Maybe they needed a group chat to discuss trip logistics? Again, you are completely valid in feeling whatever way you feel.

12. **They *definitely* don’t actually want to go to Europe.** I’d take to heart that they won’t follow through on plans like this, and focus your future efforts for family time on warm destinations, especially in the US.

    You don’t have to just get over this, and you deserve to have the conversation. Try your father. Try your brother. Don’t try to have the convo while they’re all on the phone or they can gang up on you. But try to take the lesson that they’re not motivated by Europe, rather than them not being motivated to see you. They’ve seen you every year in the past. They seem to know they owe you a visit to your home, but when push comes to shove they just don’t want to go to your *location*. It’s not about you.

13. Listen… screw your family. I know you can’t openly say that or push it to the forefront. So I will. We have very different family issues, but I learned long ago to match energy when it comes to priorities in life.

    They didn’t make you one. In fact they made it clear your a bother. At least seeing you is. Having to admit it clearly is as well. My advice is just be as distant as possible. Call them or answer calls or call back purely at your own convenience. They aren’t worth it.

14. Personally, I wouldn’t bother with them. My parents did the same type of crap when i was married to my first wife. I’d find out about family dinners, outings, etc. days after happened. I’m 55 now, my sister 50. My parents always told her i busy. She was shocked when I told her the real reason earlier this year. She just moved back from Florida.

15. this will keep happening to you until you are 49 and your BFF says to you, “Angelsucked, your family just really sucks, and they don’t deserve you.” And then you realize they do, and you have tried for decades to make them not suck.

    It hurts.

16. Info: you say you don’t have a lot of money. Were you always or often expecting them to front the travel costs for you to come to them or them to come to you? What is the expected division of financial responsibility here?

    Yes, they have resources to travel. But most people don’t have UNLIMITED funds to travel. You have put them in the position to no longer have freedom to use what limited funds they have, if they want to keep a relationship with their daughter who chose to move somewhere it was REALLY expensive to get to. In their mind, if you cared about and prioritized THEM, you would ensure you had the funds available to visit and not ask them to financially sacrifice so that you could live in Europe

    Does this sound like that might be the problem?

    When it comes to the Hawaii trip, who would have paid? Did they expect or know you didn’t have the money, and that’s why they didn’t invite you?

    I don’t think they don’t like you or that your brother is (or was initially) the golden child or anything from this reading. They don’t like that you moved to Europe. They don’t like that you only have the money to visit them once a year if at all. They have decided they won’t make it “easier” on you by sacrificing more funds or time than they would have to see you if you lived closer.

    I say all this as someone who chose to move very far from my family. You have to take responsibility for the fact that you chose to not be close enough to see them as frequently as they all see each other, and so you’ve chosen to do something for yourself and your own enjoyment that substantially weakens the bond you all have. Obviously that is hurtful to your parents, and if you miss them you might consider what role you had in distancing yourself from them. Probably the longer you stay there the more frustrated they get about it. They want you to see the the world and have fun, but if you permanently leave the country (7 years!), you’ve made a choice that you want a different relationship with your family than they expected you’d have with them, I’m sure.

    I’m pretty perturbed by the group chat, but thinking about it it’s possible my own family has a separate group chat for activities that they do in town or with each other on a weekly basis. It wouldn’t make sense for me to be on the “anyone want to go apple picking Saturday?” or “can you watch the dog Thursday night?” chat thread, ya know?

17. I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings – but it just sounds like your family doesn’t like you.

    Honestly, I would block them all on everything and ghost them. Study for your exam. Turn everything back on, see if anything’s changed. Then address their horrid behaviour. Are they the kind to freak out if they don’t hear from you? Or are you the only one initiating all communication?

18. I empathize with you so much. Maybe, like me, you’ve been trained to smother your own needs, because you were taught that your needs did not matter. But your needs do matter. You matter. Just not to “family” who don’t value you for who you are, and you can’t change that.

    This is my second holiday season without “family” after coming to a breaking point with my mother. After I tried to tell her about some childhood abuse memories that came up during therapy, she told me to stop talking to her and to have a nice life, which was the first good advice she’s ever given me. So I decided to take her up on that.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that both of my siblings would cut me out too. I didn’t see my family again until my brother’s wedding – he had asked me to officiate, but recanted that request without even bothering to tell me. It was an absolutely agonizing three days of continuing to smother my own needs, just like I have done in that family my entire life. They seem to look at me and think “My daughter” or “My sister,” but I’m my own whole-ass person!

    They are just a family of very self-involved people. There was no room for *me,* who I really am. I had no energy left for developing *mutual* relationships with people. But over the last year, I’ve developed two friendships into two best-friendships, built a support network of friends that I never would have had otherwise.

    Being honest about my experiences has allowed me to support other people who are going through traumatic family situations too. By not hiding my pain and doing the hard work to actually *recover* from trauma, it’s showed other people that it’s possible. My massage therapist had been drinking away memories of her own past abusive family. She’s now sober and tells me my strength is inspirational.

    Search for a community, or build a community, where you are valued for the unique, wonderful person you are. I can tell you love your family deeply, and there are other people who would cherish that love.

    The pain from losing who I thought were my family is still deep. But I’m not alone: the people with me now are not the family I was born with, but the family I made.

19. I understand why you’re hurt, but when you made the choice to move so far away that created emotional as well as physical distance. You’re in a different time zone. It’s hard to stay as close with someone you barely ever see and 7 years is a long time. After you graduate and have a bit more money, go visit them. Quantity time sometimes counts more than quality time

20. I’m so sorry this is so horrible.

21. What country are you in now?

22. Sounds like they don’t want to go to Europe.

23. I have a similar situation something going on with my brother which is living on Europe due to college. Slowly the relationship its being taken apart due to him being the way he is. But I can tell the lack of communication change things a lot, specially if they are the ones living closer and you on the other side of the world.

    You dont need to hold any grudge but take some distance and re-evaluate your relationship with them. They just wanted to distance themselves, well let them be! If they want to spent some time with you, cool, allow them but you know how things are.

    Dont take it so bad! If they end caring or realizing the situation and why you are being so distant, they might make an effort and fix things slowly, so be aware of that!

24. I would go nc and wait for them to make a real effort IF they even do this.
    Let them feel how hurt you are. Tell them that you don’t want contact anymore because they don’t give a damn about you.
    I bet they think you don’t even mean it.
    No parent who loves their child will do this.
    I would never go on holiday to Hawaii with a kid i see all the time if it means I can’t see my child in another country like wtf

25. As an American who moved to Europe and has a family that did the exact same thing yours is doing… All I can say is the best thing you can do for your own energy is to accept it. Accept that they don’t want to come see you. Accept that they’re going to be distant. Accept that You are just not going to be a priority in the family anymore.

    At this point I kind of feel like the exotic cousin that shows up once every 4 years. We talk on the phone once every 6 months and it’s usually very surface level and I don’t really give them any actual details about my life. I usually just let them talk about themselves and act like I’m excited for them and then I don’t have to speak to them again for another 6 months.

    Every now and then they point out that they want to come see me in Europe but they never actually make a move to come see me so I always say the same thing, “just let me know what your plans are and I will make a plan to get together with you while you’re here.”

    No one ever makes a plan, I never bring it up, I basically treat them like that coworker who you don’t really like that well but you need to be professional with at the mandatory happy hour.

    Did it hurt my feel? Of course. But I mourned it like I mourned a breakup and now I have surrounded myself with other people who are my found family and who do treat me like they want me around and do reach out to me and make the effort.

    The thing that I realized was that my effort was never returned and you can’t force people to want to be in your life. There’s no amount of contorting or conversations or blocking them and punishing them and trying to guilt trip them that’s going to make them want to be in your life. The simple fact is they don’t want to be in your life and you are not a priority. The quicker you can accept that fact and move forward knowing there’s a hole there and fill it with other things and other people and people who do love you and want to know you and are interested in you and care about you and see you for who you are, The quicker you’re going to feel better.

    The more you argue and fight and try to punish them and change them and change the fact that they don’t really care that much about you the more you’re going to suffer.

    Radical acceptance is the only thing you can do here. Focus on yourself, focus on meeting new friends and meeting new people and finding a found family, focus on your career and your health and the relationships that do support you, everybody else can fade away.

26. Wow they must not have really wanted you to come along if they went and created an elaborate lie like that. That having been said if I were in your shoes. I’d simply cut ties with them.

27. How sad this situation is for you. I’d be upset too. Why do you think they are trying to avoid being with you?

28. Sorry you’re dealing with this. My parents did something very similar years ago, even though I was paying for the hotel. They only needed to fly themselves (domestic) and buy tickets to the activity we were doing. Then, I went on the trip anyway and invited a friend and her family since mine didn’t come. While I was on the trip, my mom sent me a photo from Mexico. That was when I realized that this was the latest in a string of events over my lifetime with me trying to beg for or earn their love and them continuously showing me how little they valued me. I went no contact from there and I haven’t seen my parents since then.

    You’re never going to be able to explain yourself and how you feel about this in a way that will get through to your parents, because if they are like mine – and it sounds like they are – they’re never going to value you over what they want to do in the moment. They don’t want to understand because that might make them feel bad, and they would rather lose their relationship with you than feel bad about how they treated you. Therapy helped me, as did research into dysfunctional families, NPD and emotionally immature parents. Going NC was the first step but I do believe it gave me the space I needed to start healing. It’s a lot of work but it was worth it to me.

29. When I think of parents like yours, it breaks my heart but then I think of eldercare costs worldwide… so, it’s a dark silver lining, but congratulations on not having to provide that! They forfeited a certain degree of care when they leave you out like this and play alienation games and favoritism.

    But your relationship with You sounds firm and like it has a lot of potential. Even when you were hurting, you knew that you needed to remove yourself from drama and focus on exams– and you should be proud of your discipline.

    If you keep good priorities and save time for the things and people in this world who will love you back, that makes room for better people to come along and treat you properly.

30. It’s okay to grieve the family you should have had.

    You are learning things about your family that are difficult and hard. This is adulthood. It sucks.

    You are also finding out you are not a priority and they are fine lying to you. This also sucks.

    To them, you are easy to exclude. Out of sight, out of mind, out of heart.

    You are young and you have many years to come to terms with this and build your own family. Your bio-family burned bridges this year and THEY have to do effort to rebuild if they want to.

    I would advise you to try to forgive but never forget. As in, do not harbor hate or bitterness, that eats your soul, but just accept they do not care as much as you thought they did. So they deserve to be kept at a stick distance, and they should never be a priority again.

    You have been given a gift: the truth.

    If you need some spotters to keep you on track as distant relatives start complaining to you:

    * First ask what they have been told.
    * They never intended to come to Europe.
    * They didn’t even tell you about the trip.
    * You were excluded on many levels already.
    * The cruises with friends? So friends are worth more than family, then?

    In any case, you now get to build your own life, and surround yourself with people who actually care.

    Good luck! You can do this! I believe in you!

31. When I moved away from my family (east coast to west coast US) my mom and brothers distanced themselves from me, too. It was really difficult to deal with, because I didn’t understand why they needed to—I was always just a phone call or plane ride away, right?

    I think that unfortunately, sometimes when we geographically distance ourselves from our families, they feel hurt, and then they push us away in an attempt to avoid that hurt. It doesn’t really make sense, and pushing us away just hurts everyone, but it’s hard to get them to see that or change their behavior.

    I think you’ve done the right thing by shutting some lines of communication that felt disingenuous to you, like the rarely-used family group chat. But don’t shut things down entirely. Relationships change as time passes, and there will likely be a point where one or both of you feels the need to come back together. Try not to take it too hard, and lean into your other close relationships. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

32. >She said that they planned it last minute and that she “wasn’t doing this today” before hanging up on me.

    This tells you all you need to know. She knows what they did was messed up and they did it 100% consciously. This wasn’t a last-minute trip, and they consciously left you out of it.

    I think your decision to go LC/NC is the right one. You’re putting much more time and energy into this relationship and doing all the work. Stop doing that and let them come to you. My guess is they won’t even realize you’re not communicating with them anymore. You’re at the stage in life where you can choose who you invest your trust and love into. Put yours into someone who returns the effort and love.

33. Sounds like they are punishing you for living away and living your best life. They won’t come see you because they’d have to see your life and be faced with their jealousy head on. Sounds like they resent you for having “a more exciting life” than they have, and the reason they rubbed their “great time in Hawaii” in your face and then gaslit your feelings on the matter.

    Sorry OP, but it sounds like how you view your family relationship is one-sided. I feel for you. That’s gotta hurt.

    Build your life without them. Surround yourself with *chosen* family.

34. I have no advice unfortunately, just some commiseration. My entire family is currently on vacation without me too, no mention of it to me and no invitation to join them. Just got asked to check on their house while they’re away. So I feel the heartbreak you’re currently experiencing.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this too but very happy you have a chosen family to support you. Lots of virtual love and hugs!

35. You moved away. It’s not that they don’t want to see you, but as someone in the comments said, “”YOU were the one who left, and now we have to chase after you, and visit this random, cold, boring city every other year? Use our vacation time for that, instead of the beach? And you want 3 people to spend money and effort on travel, instead of just 1?”. I’m sure they love you and miss you, too, but you moved away from them.
    Source: Am a parent of children who moved away, has limited income and limited vacation time.

36. You explained it correctly every time you told them how much they hurt you. They just don’t care 😞.

    I’m sorry they are doing this to you, it really sucks when people can’t be adults about their feelings.

    Have fun with your friends and put your focus into relationships that are mutually rewarding for you and the other person.

37. Sending hugs and healing thoughts.

    When I moved away, my mother came to visit twice in over 25 years. Neither were particularly enjoyable or memorable.

    They were retired by this time. I had 2 jobs and a special needs child. They made more from their retirement accounts and rental properties than I made with my 2 jobs.

    They just didn’t have the time.
    They just didn’t have the money because they just got granite countertops/bamboo floors/new cover for the pool/ etc, etc,

    I created my family of choice. The people who make ME the priority I make them.

    I mourned the family I wished I had for a while. A good counselor really helped me deal with that.

38. Spend your emotional energy elsewhere. I’m so sorry you’re hurting and I agree that you are being punished for moving away. Do you have a friend group? A significant other? Any hobbies you’ve wanted to try? Fill the void with meaningful people and activities and your family’s antics won’t hurt as much.

39. My in laws are like your parents and now that the daughter that lives in Europe has a baby and a house they are going there for the first time at Christmas in 12 years. It’s up to her how she feels about it. She’s in therapy but I think her expectations are too high and they are going to disappoint her. They are already talking about a side trip away while they are only there for 2
    Weeks. Some people are just too self centred to
    Maintain close relationships. We have a strained relationship and live in the same city.

    They also love to complain that they don’t see us enough but either want just my husband to go see them (who excludes thier grandchildren?!) or are cold/wierd and mean to me so I won’t go anymore.

    And they love to complain about how close we are to my side who lives 5 hour flight away. It’s about effort and priorities. My parents spend all thier extra time and money to visit us. Video call every day and really make the effort.

    I’m sorry your parents are being crappy to you. It’s them and not you. Hopefully you can find friends that are like family. You deserve close loving relationships. ♥️

40. > I have the impression they simply just don’t want to see me because when they want something, they usually make it happen.

    This seems pretty obvious to me.

    They don’t want to visit you where you’re at. You keep insisting, they keep deflecting.

    There is no relationship in your life that could have survived unchanged by a move of that magnitude, especially as you’ve indicated you intend to stay there long term after you’ve completed your studies.

    > My parents (M & F late 50s) and brother (25M) all live in the US so they have limited vacation time but make enough money to go on a few nice trips a year.

    You’re comfortable with them spending time and resources to stay close to you.

    > I moved away for some better opportunities career wise that I couldn’t obtain in the US. It wasn’t anything against them. I also always planned on continuing my studies but it is so expensive the US I would have just been in massive debt.

    But not spending your own resources to stay close to them? After all from your POV it’s not a big deal for them to come see you, it’s JUST MONEY right? Except when it’s your money, then it’s an unfair burden, and debt you can’t afford. How many trips do they need to make to see you before it’d cost more than the difference in your cost of living and tuition?

    > so I have plenty of weeks of vacation but not a whole lot of disposable income at the moment.

    You didn’t ask their permission before making the decision to move to another continent did you? Why should they ask your permission for how to spend their vacation time. By your own admission you wouldn’t have been able to afford the Hawaii trip. Are you saying because you don’t have the resources to fly to them they should spend 3x the money to fly to you rather than trying to kill 2 birds with one stone and co-ordinate get togethers where you both get something out of their limited travel dollars.

    Everywhere in the comments people are saying they are showing their priorities with their actions, neglecting to note you showed your priorities with your actions first. YOU MOVED AWAY FROM THEM, to save some money, and because it sounds like you value living in Europe more than you value being close to them. Why would you think that wouldn’t affect how much they wanted to reciprocate in your relationship?

    If you want some actual advice, lay all this out for them, taking responsibility for how your decision to move precipitated the situation. Then ask for some help, say you can’t afford on your own to fly out to them as often as you’d like, that you RECOGNIZE asking them to fly to you is inherently 3x more expensive. Then ask them to help subsidize some travel for you, I’d be surprised if they didn’t jump at that deal.