Friends do not want new bf to come on trip

44 comments

1. You friends are right. You should have checked in with them before extending an invitation.

2. You’ve only been dating for 5 months. I think not bringing him along is the right choice, and I feel he should understand why.

3. this will be a terrible rom-com.

4. They’re more than valid. Expecting him to go at all was out of touch. You said yourself they’ve only met him twice & 5 months isn’t exactly long term. If anything it’s odd that he’s so in his feelings about it. If I were him I wouldn’t expect or want an invitation. An intimate international best friend trip isn’t a place I want to be with people I barley know.

5. 5 months is not a long time. Most couples wouldn’t have even gone on a vacation by themselves at that point. Maybe a weekend getaway, but it’s rare to take an international trip that early on.

   Your friends are right. This is a friends trip, where 2 of the friends happen to be in a relationship. Neither your SO or your friend’s SO are friends of the group, at least not close friends yet, so the invitation is rightfully not extended to them

6. IMO:

   It’s nice that his friends are okay with you going along on the trip.

   It’s also okay that your friends don’t want you to bring him along.

   It would also be okay with him no longer bringing you along on his trip with his friends and just making it a ‘friends trip without partner’ because you are going on one.

   Ya’ll have been together for 5 months and the other people going don’t know him well enough at all. As another has said, it would throw off the entire dynamic of your group by having a ‘brand new guy’ come along.

   If this was a kind of trip where it was fine that a new person was tagging along because there were a bunch of people coming, then it wouldn’t be a problem, but a group of four? Where there is 1 couple and 2 out of a couple? You realize that if you brought your man, than there would be two couples and one odd person out, right? I’m guessing you and the female not in the couple are planning on sharing a room, and the couple are getting their own room?

7. >So I asked my friends if he can join and they said no, they do not know him well enough so they don’t feel comfortable with him coming.

   Even if this was a pure democracy decision, and your new beau could vote in it, you’d still not win the coalition. This is a “one no, no go” situation.

   > do you think my friends are validated here?

   Yes. They don’t know him. Travelling can be stressful as it is, think of the added stress of having a stranger around?

8. Eh, sounds like it was an opportunity to have a close friend bonding trip, especially for your female friend who isn’t having a partner. The dynamic will shift to two couples and her 5th wheeling. It does kinda suck planning a homie trip in advance, and someone brings a relatively new bf/gf to the trip, because it means they have to babysit them the entire time because that person can’t keep up with the group – not in a physical way, but moreso in a vibe way, new person always ends up feeling awkward, either goes to their room and their partner has to follow, or they just wall flower. We’re super warm and inviting, we try to engage and ask about their interests, but it just happens every time someone brings a new bf/gf to something that was supposed to be relatively intimate.

   I’d say bring your boyfriend around more often so he has some banter with your friends and they can gauge his personality, at least to the point where it’s hopefully not awkward if they’re alone with him. I completely agree with your friends – your bf isn’t entitled to join along just because he brought you to his trip, especially when this is a trip your friends planned. They want a group experience as friends. Your bf will be attached to your hip the entire time. It’s a total dynamic shift.

9. Next time they want to plan a trip, ask if it can be a couples’ trip. I’m sure your other friend would want to go on a trip with her beau as well, but she didn’t extend her invite to the trip to her bf. If it’s just a couple of days then I’m sure your bf would be understanding that they don’t want him to tag along as they don’t know him well enough. Now if it’s for months, then I understand your bf standpoint and at that point would just say no to the trip all together.

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11. You can’t go places without your boyfriend anymore? I mean…. I don’t know if you’re just concerned because your boyfriend is having feelings about it or if it’s actually something you’re worried about?

    Because you can always go in another trip which you guys organise. Attempting to force the issue would be a mistake, your friends don’t know him like that and while it would have been nice for him to be invited, they don’t have to, you know?

12. He is choosing to feel excluded.

13. I think that you need to find some better friends, I think that their attitude sucks majorly.

    I mean really, what kind of people would say something like this?

    To me, it would be inexcusable.

14. Bringing him likely makes the trip more expensive for everyone, especially for the one friend who won’t have her partner there. With four people, you can share one or two hotel rooms easily and fit comfortably into most cars and taxis. A fifth person likely means getting another hotel room every night, and having to take two cars or cabs everywhere.

15. Dating for only 5 months and your bf wants to join an international trip with you that you have planned with friends? I wouldn’t want that either. I can understand the initial feeling of being left out, but he should absolutely be left out of this situation. That’s the safest most logical thing. This is a trip between friends, it just so happens some of those friends are a couple. It’s not supposed to be a couple trip.

    If he takes this with grace and gets integrated into the friend group more then later on maybe he’ll get an invitation. Even if you were going solo on this trip, it does not mean your bf is entitled to go.

    You’re not responsible for your bf’s feelings and you can talk to him about it to reassure him that you do want to go on a trip with him but it’s not the right time for this particular trip. Communicate with each other and make sure this doesn’t build resentment in your relationship. If he’s a good person then he should understand and be happy for you.

    Maybe decide to get a nice couple’s getaway weekend with the two of you or something. But it is definitely unreasonable for your friends to be comfortable with your bf at this stage.

16. I think it’s a little to late to invite him. Your friends don’t know him well enough so I understand not wanting to travel with someone I don’t really know. On a trip like this, not some weekend trip to the mountains where you can get home quickly, you’re kind of screwed if you don’t like someone. I also think if it were me, I’d want to go on this trip with my closest people and have a great time with people I love, not a random guy who’s been dating my friend for a short while.

17. I think your difficulty here is that your bf has gone out of his way to include you in all of the events with his friends. He feels upset because you have not done the same for him. I can’t really blame your friends for not feeling comfortable with him coming. I suggest you show your bf in some other way that you want him to be a central part in your life. Atm he’s not feeling that.

18. I find it odd that it’s only one guy and three girls, wouldn’t the other dude be happy to have another guy come along too?

19. When will they be comfortable with him? In 8 months, a year? The perfect opportunity to get to know him would be to do this trip. And there is a couple already going? They are not taking your feelings into consideration at all.

20. It’s not a “mistake” to respect your friends’ preferences even if your new boyfriend is upset about them. It *would* be a mistake not to pay attention to the glaring red flag – in the classic sense, not necessarily a dealbreaker but a *warning sign* – that is a new partner of less than six months acting like you need to be welded together at the hip and he’s being “excluded” if you ever want to do anything with your friends without him.

    That said, if the trip is several months in the future, can you perhaps arrange for your boyfriend and your friends to hang out more in a lower stakes environment sooner than that? Invite them (and the one’s boyfriend) over to your house, organize a day trip, give them the opportunity to get to know him. If you’re lucky and they all get on like several houses on fire, maybe in a month or two everyone will be comfy with making it a triple date instead of a four-person friends trip. & If they *don’t* get along then you’ll have found out in a much less expensive way than making a mess of the big annual trip.

21. They can say no. And, you can also say no.

    With some of my past boyfriends, i would have wanted my new boyfriend to understand and not be hurt and would have wanted to still go on the trio.

    With some others of my past boyfriends, things went very quickly in the emotional intimacy department, and our relationships became more serious more quickly. And, especially if the man went out of his way to incorporate me into his life and include me, I would have wanted to do the same in return. And, if my friends told me that my boyfriend couldn’t come, I would have likely backed out of the trip (or wanted to do so) when money and time off are limited and wouldn’t have rather done something with him in many cases. It likely would have depended on how much money I was going to have to forfeit in cancelation fees or if my friends were going to have to pick up more expenses because of me canceling.

    Bottom line: You learned something from this… that if you’re invited to almost anything social going forward, in most cases, you will want to be clarifying pretty quickly that you’re a package deal. (I can see some exceptions – like maybe a baby shower or a bridal shower that isn’t advertised as a “couples shower” or a girls’ winery weekend or a sorority sister event or something like that. Honestly… unless there was a limit on seats, tickets, rooms, etc. or unless I knew I was specifically invited to round out at an even number to make things affordable for someone or the whole group, I cannot imagine myself telling someone they can’t bring their significant other. I know that clearly isn’t everyone’s opinions by the replies I’ve seen, but that is my personal take on it.)

22. Yeah no. I’m with the majority here, this was a friends trip so trying to add on someone they don’t know is a no-go. I like the suggestion to propose a couples’ trip next year. Doesn’t sound like the group wants that this year—it’s a different vibe than a friend trip.

    BF can deal with his feelings. I don’t intrude on my partner’s stuff with her friends beyond like making sure we don’t have anything scheduled to do together.

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24. Bringing a new partner definitely changes the vibe of a vacation. *Especially* when it takes the total number from even to odd. Be honest, the effect of bringing a partner is going to be shitty for the one single woman. She’s probably going to be stuck paying more for her accommodations and she’s going to be awkwardly fifth-wheeling the whole time. She’ll be on her own every time there’s a pairs-based activity or seating arrangement and she’s going to need to entertain herself while the couples are having couple time. For that reason alone, it’s a bad idea for you to bring your boyfriend along. There are lots more reasons also though.

25. Hmmm, I can see both sides here. Five months isn’t a very long time but it’s not like you just picked him up somewhere in the last couple of weeks. How do they respond when you talk about him? How do they interact with him and he with them? How long has the friend’s relationship been going on? If it was strictly a girls’ trip, of course you wouldn’t expect him to be invited…but it isn’t. Is the other girl’s boyfriend super controlling and will only “let” her go if he can go? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

    I’d push for the switch to a girls only trip. What’s good for one should be good for the other. No one is married here and if the other girl’s boyfriend throws a fit, it sounds like they have bigger issues. It’s a “friends thing” or it’s a “couples thing”. Make it a friends trip and both guys can stay home.

26. 5 months and they only met him twice. If he’s butt hurt about this that’s a red flag.

    Make a point of having him around when seeing them so they get to know him and he can be included next year.

27. His feelings are valid, just as your friends’ concerns are valid. It sounds like you feel it wasn’t right to exclude him, but you need to clarify the expectation with your BF going forward.

    Will the expectation be that you take all trips together going forward, unless with family or something? I think having that conversation would soften the blow of you going on this trip without him.

28. Despite the others saying “this is a friends trip”..no it isn’t. If the other girl is allowed to bring her boyfriend, you should be too. Their problem is, that they don’t know him well enough? Okay, what about getting to know him on a vacation? 😉 He belongs to the friend group now.

29. Ah! It appears I’m not with most commenters here but I strongly believe your friends are being quite nasty and unfair – especially as there’s a couple already coming on the trip, it’s not exactly a girls trip then. I think it’s wonderful of you to invite him and you should! 5 months is plenty of time to have dated and he has gone out of his way to make you a part of his life. I believe your friends should be more accepting and accomodating of you wanting to do the same. Why would they reject a person who brings love and light to your life? That doesn’t exactly make him a stranger and that is really not very supportive of them.

30. Really confused by the responses here. 5 months (going to be like 7-8 by the time the trip happens) is not new.

    Unless you have a history of messy partners, I think it’s pretty weird that they’d say no and wouldn’t want to spend more time with him. Maybe they really didn’t like him when they met him?

    Outside of something like that, I really don’t see what grounds they have to stand on. You’re 1 of 4 people going on the trip. You’re not allowed to invite someone really important to you? That would make me feel really small in the friend group. I get not being thrilled about a stranger on the trip but I’d absolutely prioritize getting closer to my friends partner + wanting my friend to have a good time over that feeling. Zero doubt my friends would too.

31. Yea, your friends suck and your bf is going to resent you. You’d be a shit partner if you went without him.

32. What’s the biggest trip you and your boyfriend have taken together up to this point?

    >Also, the 1 female friend has a boyfriend but didn’t ask him to join, I told her she should

    Can you say with complete honesty you’d ask your friend to bring her boyfriend along if you weren’t currently dating someone who wanted to also come on the trip?

    >he’s been great at including me in everything, even a trip he already had planned with his friends prior to meeting me

    If I was one his friends, I’d be very surprised that happened.

33. Just because he invited you with his friends doesn’t mean he must get an invite back and when he doesn’t get invited, it’s not because of a negative cause. It’s just because this isn’t his friend group.

    The fact that he plays hurt because he wasn’t invited to a group of ppl he basically doesn’t know, the fact that he disregards others feelings and is making an issue out of thin air is what you should be focusing on. You’re in your 30s, not 15, that’s weird behaviour. Are you sure your bf has his priorities right? Why is pressuring you to join?

    You extending the invitation was not the right move. Now, you can amend the mistake by saying that you can all plan another trip with the group, once he has gotten to know your friends better. You can explain that they need to know the ppl they travel with and plan according trips. For example, I have friends who like to be very active, I wouldn’t put them with other friends who love to just sunbathe all day.

34. It’s a “friends trip” not a “bring your fairly new boyfriend” trip. Your friends are in the right here and Mr. Sensitive BF needs to chill and understand that he’s not part of the group just yet, sheeeeshhhh.

35. Yep. He doesn’t need to come. He’s left out because it’s a new relationship. That’s normal.

36. INFO: where did you go on the trip with his friends? Was it as involved a trip? Did you have to pay? Make sure you’re not equating an international trip with a “come with” to someone’s parent’s lake house or another situation where they needed you to split the costs. Either way, going on this trip without him is important for your maturity and a test for the new relationship.

37. I think everyone is being relatively reasonable here, or at least I can understand everyone’s motivations.

    You can square the circle by offering to not go on the holiday and stay with your boyfriend. This has to be a genuine offer, though, with the expectation to follow through on it and stay behind with your partner. I’d be surprised if he didn’t tell you that it’s unnecessary and that you should go with your friends. That way, you’ve reassured your partner that you value his feelings more than your travel plans.

    If you decide you do *actually* want to stay with your partner, rather than take this trip, communicate this to your friend group and offer pay whatever costs come from the cancellation. No passive aggression, no snarky comments, just “I appreciate and respect your positions, I’d prefer for us all to be together, but in the absence of this as an option, I’d like to spend the time with my partner.”

38. 5months is so fresh / basically dating you might not even be together in a few months

39. Your friends are right. Going on a vacation with someone you don’t know means that this entire trip can become really awkward.

    Also, your friend would have to hang around two couples, with you staying near your boyfriend the entire time because you’re the only one he knows. You’d be forcing her to be a fifth wheel. It creates a really uncomfortable dynamic.

40. Yep, that’s how the control issues started with my ex husband. He was always “hurt” or “feeling left out” or some fucking thing.

    Go on the trip with your friends, if this guy really likes you he will be *happy* for you and not sulk or pick a fight.

41. Completely valid not to want him to go. They don’t know him, it’s still a somewhat new relationship and the other friend with a boyfriend isn’t bringing him either. Plan a trip with your boyfriend separately. And be clear with him no partners are going and that they barely know him. Why haven’t they spent more time with him?

42. >But then I also feel bad that my boyfriend feels excluded and left out.

    I understand why you feel this way, but truly, it’s on him to get over it. If he can’t understand why a group of people wouldn’t want a virtual stranger along on an international trip, that’s something for you to keep an eye on moving forward.

43. What was your thought process for not automatically thinking of him to include? That’s probably what your friends feel.

    Just tell him your friends wanna meet him a few more times first before going on a big trip together and if he makes it a transactional “well I did it for you” then you can just say “and I appreciate you for that greatly! I asked for you to be included and my friends just arent as comfortable as your friends were so quickly” cuz it’s not up to you.

    Then suggest a trip for just the 2 of you elsewhere

44. 5 months is nothing. It’s okay for him to be sad but he should understand.