My boyfriend isn’t able to maintain his erection and it’s causing confusion and concern for both of us. We talked about it and he has stopped watching porn and now he will stop masturbating (because he’s been doing that every day), as we think this may contribute to it. He did admit the first time that he felt like he was in his head and then after he went soft, the next time he kept thinking about it and putting pressure on himself (despite our talks) creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I figured I wasn’t doing enough to stimulate him too and simply not knowing enough about what to do since I’m less experienced so I blindfolded him and tried to give him a bj and I don’t even think I used much teeth. I even played around with his balls but he did not get hard at all. This is so different to my ex, where doing hardly anything he would get hard.
Despite his reassurance that he is mentally engaged and attracted to me, he goes soft, sometimes when he trying to enter me or sometimes when he has. Then he’s able to get hard again which is the confusing part. Sometimes he even gets a boner just talking to me in the car on a longer drive or when we’re cuddling or when he goes down on me so it sounds like he is attracted to me and he has said that to me so much too which is sweet and reassuring. But his boner doesn’t stay and can go away so quickly too. We have gotten rid of condoms, tried the blindfolding, and talked about it too so he does feel really comfortable with me but what’s going on? Is it about me? Could it be multiple things?
I know we’ll keep trying but I wondered if anyone has any advice?
I’m 29, he’s 30!
4 comments
Hello, unless this is a medical issue, which I am not qualified or informed enough in order to talk about, I think the reason is he is encountering ‘performance anxiety’. It makes sense, because he gets hard when he is around you, and even before attempting to engage in the act. It also checks out that when it first occured he was in his head, and now he probably is too self aware and anxious that it will happen again, therefore it just happens.
I honestly am not sure what the remedy is for this, I would imagine just keeping his mind engaged in the act, so it can’t be bothered worrying about this issue. However, I am pretty sure that it is indeed performance anxiety that is affecting him, so try googling that for results, maybe even dive deeper on some reddit posts about it.
I hope I helped and you can both figure it out. Also, don’t let this affect your relationship, I am glad that you are working together to find a solution and it is clearly a sign of a healthy relationship.
Not masturbating is a totally mistaken and ignorant idea. say, 99 percent of the time. Having orgasm hours, or even minutes, before a given moment does not at all impair the ability to get hard at that given moment, for 99% of men under about age 50. If you’re a normal man under 30, you can get a second orgasm within 5 minutes of the first one. I did have a 20 year male acquaintance who I learned through a third party could only come once a night, but this is really unusual. (Maybe he actually could still get hard.)
He should stop masturbating for a couple weeks and try again.
He has death grip from masturbation. It’s crazy how often this comes up. He’s also 30 so the chances of him not realizing what the problem is, is zero.