My girlfriend (19F) is incredibly sweet and loving. I (20M) couldn’t ask for a more loving partner. My problem is that she wants me to always be doing something with her, always cuddling, always paying her attention in some way.
We’ve been dating for a little over a year and we live together in a small apartment. I enjoy being with her and doing things with her, but I’m afraid to ask for personal time apart from her to indulge in my hobbies because I don’t want her to think I dislike being with her. I’m afraid to ask because she has some emotional disregulation issues and she can jump to conclusions or misconstrue my feelings if I’m not careful.
It’s not like I want a break from the relationship or anything, I just don’t know what is a respectful way to ask for time to do my own thing.
TL;DR: How do I politely/respectfully ask my girlfriend for time to myself/time to pursue my hobbies?
11 comments
Don’t ask, just tell her. “Hey im going to the gym for a little”
talk to her the way you talk to your dog when you leave the house.. “my cutie pie, darling girl, i am going to go do xyz for a little bit, please wait for me my dear, you are so cute, (kiss her nose) ill be back soon my love, ill be thinking of you, think of me too ok? you’ll wait for me right? my sweetie cinnamon bun” then give a hug then exit
Clingy. She’s clingy. I got some bad news for you bro, the only fix for clingy is she has to go to a therapist and want to change. Spoiler Alert: She thinks it’s perfectly normal to be clingy and eventually you will be repelled because she won’t give you enough personal time.
Talk to her though. Try to convince her that you need your own time and that it’s healthy to spend time apart. Make sure you tell her that you’re still into her but need some space. I wish you luck, I really do.
Be straight up. Tell her you also enjoy some alone time to work on stuff for yourself. That’s completely normal. Also encouraging her to have some of her own hobbies will help. If she doesn’t have one, help her find one she might like. It’s all about communication from the start. Don’t overthink it because of her feelings, honesty is best. Tell her you need that time for yourself to be happy and it doesn’t mean you love her any less. You just need to to be you and that’s ok!
Don’t be dumb. Clingy is a good thing…that means she wants to be with you. Id much prefer clingy over a woman that’s never there or cheats or disappears.
Your description of her emotional volatility is a red flag. What do you mean “emotional disregulation issues” and her frequently misunderstanding things and jumping to conclusions?
I’m worried that her issues are actually not something you should be catering to…your description sounds like you’re walking on eggshells and that her behavior might be pretty toxic. Can you clarify with some examples?
In a healthy relationship you do not need to ask permission to have hobbies.
>I’m afraid to ask because she has some emotional disregulation issues and she can jump to conclusions or misconstrue my feelings if I’m not careful.
Don’t date people who aren’t emotionally mature enough to date. I know you don’t want to hear that, but if people followed this very simple advice roughly 3/4 of the posts on this subreddit wouldn’t exist.
If you insist on doing this, then you need to be firm. Don’t ask, tell. You do not need permission to spend time alone, or to engage in your hobbies. Don’t say “hey, do you mind if I spend Saturday afternoon doing xyz?” Instead, say “hey just a head up but this Saturday I’m going to xyz.” You aren’t asking permission, you’re simply updating her on what you will be doing.
If she freaks out, tell her that having alone time is perfectly normal. If she needs a partner that is with her and focused on her 24/7, you aren’t that partner. Leave the ball in her court.
Go to couples counseling! Learn to develop and support each other’s independence. Clingy is good as long as she can learn to give and take space. Just give her lots of reassurance and over communicate. You both need to maintain your individuality to sustain a LTR
This is clearly a boundary issue. Neither of you have boundaries, and to top it off there’s a communication issue. But it can be fixed, that is if she can handle what needs to happen emotionally.
If I were you I’d ween off and create space and boundaries, beginning by sitting her down and suggesting you two create a schedule together. Date night. Gym. Work. Cuddling. Whatever you do together. That way there’s healthy boundaries and quality time balanced. Good luck!
Don’t ask. Just be straight up and **tell her** what you want and that you are going to do it with or without her approval. You don’t need someone’s permission to take time to yourself.
“Hey I need a me day. I’ll call you a bit later on or tomorrow. I love you”
If she flips the fuck out at that, she aint the one.
Everybody need time to do their own thing, if there is some that you want to do in your own, just say what it is, when and who you’re doing it with ( friends. Etc) and then say you’d like to plan to do something different with her afterwards, it’s good to have time apart, to miss each other a bit, makes spending time together more precious, just be open and ask about her thoughts and feeling while you talk