For the most part I can tell when something isn’t good manners. Or I have learned either through people talking about it, or seeing examples, etc. but there were so many times where I accidentally did something considered rude without realizing it. Or the way I learned a manner/something was rude behavior was when someone called me out for it. I didn’t intend to cause offense at all, I just….thought it was normal behavior. Or sometimes I’m confused as to why. Do you think the other person might consider I didn’t have ill intentions?
How is one supposed to know? Is it something you just have to learn over time?
I’ll give some examples
I didn’t know that it was rude not to say excuse me if you pass by two people talking in a hallway are against the wall and talking to each other. I always say excuse me now after some people got upset at me for it. Though, I don’t fully understand this one. A hallway in a public place is for people to walk in, so why do I have to say excuse me when it was their choice to occupy a public section where people are supposed to walk through, with a conversation? I don’t mean to sound rude with that if that comes off that way, I genuinely don’t understand it.
I also didn’t know that you’re supposed to offer drinks/food if you’re going out on your break at work. A manager at a job I had once said I’m supposed to do that, and no one has ever told me that before.
I didn’t know you’re not supposed to start eating your food without other people (if you’re in a group). I kinda don’t get this one either, but I see it enough in movies (how people wait first) so I figured it out. (I’ve had people explain that “How would you feel if other people ate before you did?” And I kinda wouldn’t care? Am I supposed to? I figure if we’re going out to eat, then….we should eat?)
There’s more examples, but I don’t wanna clog up the rest of the page. There’s even examples which I’m pretty sure caused friendships to end.
How do I figure out future manners moving forward?
2 comments
Manners are like the unspoken rules of society. They vary between cultures, ethnic groups, generations, and other endless stratifications.
When people get upset at you for breaking these “rules,” it’s often more of a reflection on them, not on you. People project their indignations onto others, which is why they have such strong emotional reactions when you break the rules. People get all bent out of shape over this stuff.
That all being said, it’s worth knowing the “rules” in certain situations to make life easier for yourself.
I know that there are professionals who teach these kinds of skills, so it might be worth looking up someone you can work with 1:1.
You have rude people around you. Pointing out other people’s faux pas is one of the rudest things people can do.
The first example, I would consider the people holding conference in the middle of the hallway as rude.
The second is very much local cultural norms dependent. If the specific workplace has a culture of doing that, then ok. I guess people might pick up on it over time. It’s not by any means universal though and it should also be considered perfectly fine to not participate.
The third, yeah. You just pick up from watching other people.
Most of these things are learned through observation. And from time to time, being gently corrected by friends.
If you are concerned about the “correct” thing to do, there’s a comedy podcast called “Were you Raised by Wolves” that takes etiquette dilemmas in amusing ways.