throw-away cause they might know my account.
I (24F) been in a very bad mental state lately, barely going to work, hygiene on a spiral, haven’t went out socially in weeks, bad thoughts etc etc the whole package.
Last week my bsf (24F) texted me asking to go out, Im incredibly reserved emotionally and genuinely don’t like to talk or vent so I told them in a “light hearted” way that I’m “going through a winter depression” as my social battery is incredibly low and will get back to them when I can go out,
They texted back “you need a beating” left it at that and I haven’t responded to it.
They texted me again today saying “when are you going out of that depression this is your last warning” and asking why am I taking too long to respond.
She’s genuinely started to stress me out and don’t know what is the right thing to do here without losing our friendship, I don’t want her to feel like I’m pushing her away but at the same time she keeps insisting and not really taking what I told her seriously, I desperately need advice on what to do here.
TLDR: My friend keeps insisting on going out even after telling her I’m in a bad shape mentally and its started to stress me out, what to I say/do without starting a fire.
8 comments
People cannot hear the words you do not say, no matter how much you would like them to.
Telling people things in a “light-hearted” way, or any other attempt *not* to come to a clear and firm point, allows (and in some cases invites) the other person to interpret what you are saying as eitehr joking, or half-hearted, or otherwise not serious.
If you don’t want to go out, say clearly (without trying to make it “light-hearted”, without trying to talk around the issue) something along the lines of “I am going through a very difficult time, I do not have the energy to go out, and I need you to support me by not trying to get me to do something I do not feel up to doing.”
Don’t worry about whether that will “start a fire” or end the friendship. Because if being honest and open about your boundaries and needs is something that causes the other person to be angry at you…she wasn’t actually your friend in the first place.
Your friends messages, if they are “jokes” are pretty bad jokes with a lack of ear for tone. I’m up for assuming that she does think that she has a *wicked sense of humor* and that you do appreciate her sarcasm and it’s making you smile a little in your low mental state … at least a little.
Have you thought of simply talking and saying “I know you mean well, but I’m not in a joking mood about this, so saying you’ll beat it out of me makes me feel not very good”??
Second point: in a way, your friend is in the right here. It’s a given that taking care of yourself is very important and that you know your mind and body better than anyone else. But I can’t imagine any health professional signing off on a self care plan for depression that involves their patient acknowledging that they haven’t been social in weeks, that they’re neglecting their hygiene, skipping work … and then continuing to avoid social activities. Not saying you need to go clubbing all night followed by brunch followed by day drinking with your bestie. But getting coffee with a friend who can support you as you decide to find a mental health professional and build a workable and beneficial self care plan could be a very good thing to do.
What’s stopping you from being honest?
>They texted back “you need a beating” left it at that and I haven’t responded to it.
>They texted me again today saying “when are you going out of that depression this is your last warning”
This IS NOT a friend. Friends do not talk or text to each other like this, ESPECIALLY when one friend has just said they’re emotionally vulnerable due to depression.
Holy shit. I am so sorry that someone made you feel like you have to put up with this, or that people like this could possibly deserve to stay friends with you.
A handy piece of advice if you’re a people pleaser – really put yourself in the other person’s shoes (and in this case you will see that you would never ever do to someone what your friend is doing to you). As in, picture yourself saying those words to a friend who’s at a low point – “You deserve a beating. This is your last warning.” Are you a good friend in that situation? Do you think the person you said that to will have good feelings toward you and be able to trust you ever again? Why would they feel comfortable or safe with you after those words? And why would you expect them to ever speak to you again knowing you have no empathy for their situation and only care about what you want them to do?
That’s how your “friend” is acting, toward you. You deserve better. Drop them – either confront them or fade out from their lives by never being available to them for social stuff. And watch your life and your self esteem start to improve for every day you go without them imposing themselves on you.
I stopped at “You need a beating” because my jaw actually dropped. Wow. I
That’s not your friend. She probably keeps you around to have power over you.
Block her immediately. She doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
Your friend sounds toxic.
Ultimatums are a method of last resort in most relationships, and your friend isn’t listening to you, proposing alternatives or compromises, or being respectful.
It’s possible your friend just chose a very poor way to communicate and didn’t realize or intend for rhe texts to come off so badly. If you want to give her another chance maybe you could try a short phone call. But you don’t need to do that unless you want to, you don’t need to put in extra effort when she has been openly hostile.
Your friend sounds like an asshole with zero empathy. She is making this all about her wants and nothing about you. Is this a relationship you truly want to continue? Are you getting anything good from it?
I really hope that you are working with a great therapist to help you find coping methods. Mine has been a life saver.
“Hey friend, I appreciate that you want to spend time with me, but the messages you sent made me feel pretty bad. They make me feel as though I haven’t been truly clear on what I need at the moment, and I promise to do my best to communicate better in the future. Right now I’m not in a place where I want to go out and I need to really reserve my energy for managing my mental health. It would mean a lot if you could support me in this by not asking me to go out or not asking when I’m going to be out of my depression.”
I’ll also keep it real with you, she sounds pretty immature, and in my experience, immature people don’t respond well to honest communication no matter how gentle it is, because they tend to get defensive or feel attacked. So just keep in mind that communication goes two ways, and you could literally say everything exactly the right way, but if she’s not receptive to hearing that she hasn’t taken the right approach, then she’s going to respond immaturely. The best you can do is to phrase your requests as invitations in – you are trusting her with your honest needs, not shutting her out. You are inviting her to strengthen the friendship by respecting your boundaries, as opposed to building a fence.